Hello, my mother was recently diagnosed with an aggressive leukemia. We have had a strained past few years and have started to reconnect (where I feel safe) over this past year. Her overall prognosis isnt good. I feel like I'm grieving already. I am scared to deal with my dad (he is an emotional mess with sadness) and just struggling all around. Then my husband is just mad at me for feeling sad because there is nothing more I can do, they are at an age “where something is going to get them.” So I feel like I have to really control my own emotions so he thinks I have it together when I'm really falling apart here. I leave my phone at home because I'm so scared to get a phone call about one more negative thing. Like last night my dad called it twice. I didn’t call back as I just went to lie in bed, unable to deal with anything. I feel depressed. I'm trying to find a balance of support while not over involving myself. Its a lot, I'm overwhelmed and just need some advice from anyone else who has experienced something like this.
If it makes you feel any better, my husband is a lot like this. He is the logical one in our relationship. Sometimes his mansplaining gets really annoying when all you want is a hug and a little empathy, After 40 something years of this, I finally told him that I really don't want to hear why I am wrong to feel the way I do, I am entitled to my emotions. I told him all I want him to say to me when I come to him about an upsetting situation is this: "I am sorry you feel this way". That's it. nothing else, And that's what he does now. I don't get so angry at him anymore. Maybe you should try it,
I hope you have some girlfriends who can support you emotionally as you go through this awful time. That's how I get through my life -- with a little help from my friends.
(((hugs)))
"Tears are God's gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow.”
― Rita Schiano
Wishing you peace and strength as you navigate this difficult time.
In your first post, March 2025, you say you parents are in their early 70s. You think that Mom has dementia because of personality changes. Has she been formally diagnoised yet? If not she needs to be. Because decisions concerning her treatment could depend on that diagnosis. Chemo treatments are hard on the body and the mind.
My Mom, at 86, was pretty much into her dementia which got worse by the month. If it was found she had any type of cancer, I would not have put her thru treatments.
You are entitled to your emotions. Holding it back will only add to your frustrations and fears. You need to have a talk with your husband and tell him your feelings are valid, whether he agrees or not, and he should be nothing but supportive.
You can talk with your doctor about depression. This is not good for you.
Maybe find a therapist you can talk to and go ahead and cry and grieve and express your emotional distress to someone who will listen. Your husband doesn't want to hear it. He's getting overwhelmed. He still should be supportive of you and allow you your feelings - just saying he probably doesn't want to hear about it all day every day.
It's hard for me to relate, because I am more a realist and don't get overly emotionally involved. I would urge you to put a little distance between yourself and your parents. They are pulling you emotionally into their problems, and you are getting overwhelmed. Remind yourself that YOU CAN NOT FIX THIS! Every single one of us will one day face failing health and death. Being sad and depressed is not going to help your parents one bit. They will still struggle. That's ok to let them struggle and deal with this. Life is not always easy and not always happy.
Don't feel guilty about taking needed breaks for yourself. Let phone calls go to voice mail when you are not up to it.
I also gently suggest counseling to deal with your marriage issues.
Good luck and HUGS
Give yourself permission to feel, let others also feel what they feel.
This is so tough and your kind words are appreciated. It’s the worst part of life….. dealing with death. Ive never been comfortable with it.
Emotions are like weather. They just happen. They aren’t right or wrong. They may not be convenient or what we or others expect or consider “proper” in the situation, but they just are. And they have to be experienced to pass through.
I highly suggest therapy as a safe place to process your own feelings without judgment. You need support. A grief support group is another idea. It makes total sense that you are grieving already.
I once read that what gives people universal common humanity is we all lose our parents.
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