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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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I will probably get fussed at for this, this is just my 2 cents worth. Unless she asks, I wouldn't say anything.From what you stated sounds like her short term memory is going.If she is in a peaceful state at present I wouldn't upset the apple cart. Let sleeping dogs lie, etc. I personally wouldn't fault you for not telling her,especially upsetting news like this.
Daughter, don't drive yourself crazy over this. If you tell your Mom, she will be incredibly sad AND may not remember the next day. Would you then tell her each time she forgets and have her spiral into deep depression? If she asks for him, he is at work, a sports activity or whatever would be appropriate. And, of course, he sends his love. He'll be here soon ---- IF she asks. My personal feeling, why cause such sadness when it would have to be repeated. Don't spend your energy angsting over this. Just love her and enjoy her for now. AND, sorry about your brother.
"Therapeutic Lying" - give her what she wants to hear, because she will not remember in a little while. She will only remember she is sad, and won't know why. Love her enough to sacrifice your own grief for her well being. Yes, it's hard, but it really is a medical condition you are working with and against.
It sounds like her memory is beyond the moderate dementia stage. If she had early or moderate dementia, I think it would be good to tell her. But if the dementia is advanced to the point you would have to tell her repeatedly, then it would be a hurtful thing to do. From what your wrote, your mother's dementia is more advanced, so I wouldn't tell her if it were me.
Depending on your religious beliefs, it might be appropriate to say, if she asks about him, to simply say "You'll be seeing him soon." or something similar. You never can tell--my MIL, toward the end, was seeing her mother and sister, who had already passed.
One of the ways the human mind deals with death is the I initial shock, sadness, anger or whatever emotions death may bring to the surface is felt and then accepted. Over time we never get over the death but the sharp knife of it is not there as much. In most cases acceptance takes it's place.
I would think with dementia and not being able to process the death and recover but being told over and over again would be almost cruel. Just my take on it. You are not trying to hide the fact of her son's death but sparing her reliving the initial shock each time she is told.
Or at least that is how I would view it. Also, I am sorry about the loss of your brother. Take care
My mum has advanced dementia. she is living in a care home now and is happy and comfortable. My sister has had cancer for about 6 months and is nearing the end of her life and my family members have insisted that mum be told about her daughter. What they do not see is after they leave and go home mum lets me have all guns blazing, so i feel that this will end her life also
In my situation my brother had passed while my mother was in the care home. She also had advanced dementia. We, as a family, decided not to tell mom about her son. Not only would she forget soon after she was told but we didn't want her to re-live the sorrow again and again. Since my brother lived far away, mom hardly saw him. He was diabetic and was frequently receiving dialysis. When she asked about him we just told her he was doing ok and taking care of his health. It seemed ok with her.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I would think with dementia and not being able to process the death and recover but being told over and over again would be almost cruel. Just my take on it. You are not trying to hide the fact of her son's death but sparing her reliving the initial shock each time she is told.
Or at least that is how I would view it. Also, I am sorry about the loss of your brother. Take care
she is living in a care home now and is happy and comfortable.
My sister has had cancer for about 6 months and is nearing the end of her life and my family members have insisted that mum be told about her daughter.
What they do not see is after they leave and go home mum lets me have all guns blazing, so i feel that this will end her life also