The memory care facility banned me from visiting and phone calls. Can they do this?

Hi Carney,

I don't think that a MC unit can ban you unless your sibling tells them to. Have you been able to speak with anyone at the facility, such as the Administrator or the case manager? Have you talked to your sibling about this? That might be the place to start.

Carney, I see from your profile that your Dad has Alzheimer's/Dementia so that being the case, anything can disrupt a routine. Sounds like it is nothing you are doing, it just Dad's mind is not working correctly.

Do the other siblings run into this same situation? Are they no longer allowed to visit Dad during this time frame? Hopefully this will be just a phase your Dad is going through. Just let the phase run its course.

Would you be able to ask the Memory Care admin to set up a meeting to get some suggestions on what to do? This isn't their first rodeo so they could recommend various things.

If you are visiting a lot, maybe it was too much, not allowing Dad to get accustom to his new home, the Staff, and the other residents.

Were you actually banned or just asked not to visit or call for a while? If a resident is easily upset and acts out after a relative leaves, that relative may be asked to hold off on the visits for a while. You are within your rights to call a Care Conference. It’s a law that they have to have a meeting with the family every 3 months or when the family requests one. You don’t have to have a POA to call one, or permission from another family member. It could clear things up for everyone.

Can you please elaborate on what type of acting out hapoens or is it yelling to go home and when seeing you is a means to this?

The care facility can ban anyone from their facilities regardless of what the family members or POA say. Both my sisters were banned from the entire property where my 91 year old mother resides due to an altercation with a caregiver. I asked that my sisters be allowed to visit my mother but the administration responded that they could only visit if a member was of the facility security team was present to supervise each visit. My sisters blame me for the restrictions but the CEO explained that I had no say in the matter even though I am the POA. They indicated that the facility is under their management and that they make the decisions regarding visitation and other forms of communication for their residents. My sisters took their lawyer to meet with the CEO who did not change his mind regarding the restrictions and now my sisters have gone after me with their lawyer to sue me for not abiding by the terms of a POA! You should have an immediate meeting with a mediator present to determine why the restrictions were established.

After witnessing disruptive family arguments in the dining room at mealtimes where my mom resides, I wish to God somebody WOULD ban some people or at least act more quickly to shut the arguing up. It scares the hell out of some of the more sensitive residents. I nearly got out of my chair the other night to ask a few sisters of one gentleman to take it outside.

I would not hesitate to call a Care Conference and get some answers. Should the outcome not be to your liking, you, as POA , might consider moving him to a different facility. You will have to weigh the plusses and minuses of such a move.

If they banned you they have to give you a reason. Does your sibling have POA, and is it possible that they had you banned? He is your father, and you have certain rights.

The only power we have is how we act and react to situations. I would examine what I was talking about when I was with him and how I felt about him being in a facility. Do you feel really bad that he is there? Do you console him because he "has to be there?" In some way, he feels he can go home with you and your sister may not be conveying that same sentiment. I would feel some guilt and sadness if I were in your shoes. I have found that it is good for me to say "They sure are taking good care of you here". "I sure wish I was here but I am so glad [caregivers name] is here with you!" These type of comments convey peacefulness and contentment to your father. When it is the only care you can provide, it becomes your job to make him feel totally at peace.  PS. It does seem unacceptable that rhey could ban you.

I don't believe they can ban you, I found this link very helpful:
http://www.canhr.org/reports/VisitationRightsGuide.pdf

I would be interested in why you were banned as both of my parents are in MC and I can't imagine being banned from seeing them.

When they both moved to the facility I didn't visit for a couple of weeks because my visit did stir them up and they just wanted to ask why they are there and can they go home. They still have days when the visit deteriorates into them asking all kinds of questions, wanting to go home, complaining.. when that happens I quickly leave. I only stay around when the visit is positive and they are enjoying it.

While I am there I try to be positive about the place, the residents, and the employees there. I never act like I feel sorry for them being there... and point out all the positive aspects as much as possible. If I have any complaints about the place.. I don't discuss them around them at all.

I haven't seen any disruption from any other family visits yet.. but I'm sure if there were they would suggest for the family to hold off on visits until they become better adjusted.

I notice the new residents all go through this adjustment period (some are so angry and confused). Even visits from other residents family members gets them stirred up. One lady just moved in and walks around with her purse.. and follows me asking for a ride when I leave the facility.... which complicates my visit and my escape route from my own parents... lol.

I believe the original poster, Carney, has left the building.... there hasn't been any response back to our questions, not even on the day of posting 8 days ago.

I agree. You have to find out the reason and u have that right. Not sure about the Care meeting. Health issues can only be discussed with the medical POA. Maybe at the meeting u can discuss what u say to him. This may help find the triggers. We found never to say the word "home". I would just say I am leaving now. My daughter would say she needed to get back to work. If Mom mentioned home, then we'd tell her she had a nice apartmart at the AL and new friends. Home means different things to a Dementia patient. It could be a childhood home.

I think there is more to the story here, they have to talk with you, especially with these issues. Family members are often asked to give their loved one a few weeks to adjust because some patients don't bond with the staff and others if family shows up frequently in the beginning, there should be a meeting set up to discuss this at length, its the law, seek counsel if this continues.

I had the same thing happened to me with a couple different people and I never knew they acted out after I left. This went on until someone pulled me aside and told me and was I shocked! Chances are you'll probably never get to see the person again if you were barred from contacts, especially if a guardian took over, especially more so a professional one. They are just in it for the money and want to keep any potential heirs away so they can drain the person dry, leaving nothing for the rightful heirs. I'm not sure exactly what you can do except to see if a lawyer will look into this for you and I hope you're not alone when you visit, take someone with you. There's power in numbers, the more the better

Get this document: It is based on and backed by federal law.
https://downloads.cms.gov/medicare/Your_Resident_Rights_and_Protections_section.pdf

Look on page 3 - the resident has the right to PRIVATE visits and to visit with anyone they choose to see, when they choose to see them. The only exception is when a visit impairs another resident's rights -- if that is the case I would insist on knowing the particulars of when and how, and then deciding what to do.

Mother was in Personal Care at a rogue facility. I was and still am her POA. They were negligent and intentional in abusing her. My brother and a cousin neither of whom spent any time with her except a few hours a year at most between the two of them wanted me out.
I went to Caregiver Support Groups where we were supposed to be able to speak with confidentiality. The facility had residents attending these meetings who were given special perks for bringing back what was discussed.
The facility wanted to hit up Mother's trust fund and they wanted me out. Mother lost her Independence and her Independent Living Apartment when they forced her into the Health Care Center where the Dr. was not called in upon my daily requests and received no medications for her worsening cough and congestion until I called 911 emergency. Pnemonia set in and it was a week without a visit from the facilities assigned Dr.      After her hospital stay she was forced to go back to the facility and then soon back in to Personal Care where she  almost lost her eyesight because the Nurses were not giving eye drops as written by her eye Dr. /she was having scary visual hallucinations/ she was being sexually harassed by a maintenance man / she was falling on her head and getting more and more confused by Nurse Aids who wheeled her back to her PC apartment in the living room and left in her wheel chair instead of being taken to the bathroom or tucked in her bed (I put up signs not to leave her unattended in front of the TV, etc), she could not balance sitting on a chair. At this point I was Asking Questions on Aging Care and tried all of the suggestions that were given to me. My hours were drastically cut back, I was dragged thru the mud, the corporate climate was to lie.  My son stepped in, staying with Mom as much as he could when I had hours badly cut back and banned from the Dining Room and any activities with Mother. He managed to get her out of there. We moved Mom to a facility in our neighborhood where I am treated with respect and I stay here with Mom.  It is 10 months later and we do not leave her alone. We don't want her to have any more falls.  There has been a big improvement in Mom's health and mobility.  She is a very sweet lady, conversational, sharp for her age. We are having her 100th Birthday Party this coming Sunday.
        Something is wrong with the facility asking you not to visit. The Church where I belong helped me and Mom through this. I took her to services and we got prayer after the services and prayers in our Bible Study Group. Will keep you in prayers. Don't let them steal your Mother away from you. Remember, you and God love her, they don't. They are a cold institution relying on their rules for their convenience and financial goals.
       Also, the rogue facility where Mother used to be had a very bad memory unit. Friend A's Mother died in the hospital after aspirating on clear liquids in memory care when she was to get thickened liquids. When his Father was placed there several years later, also on thickened liquids, my friend stayed in his Personal Care room with Father in Memory. He was with Father every day. He had to go back home(out of state) for a week. I agreed to stop in several times a day to see his Father.  The Nurses Aids put clear liquids  next to him.  I never saw a thickened liquid next to him.  He was recovering from pneumonia and I was really scared he would die. I called my friend and he asked me to put up signs on the refrigerator for thickened liquids. I did so. The facility was angry with me. I said alright, I'll agreed to post the signs on the side of the refrig instead of the front (because they did nothing to assure me that they would give friends Father thickened liquids). I had to take away his water or ginger ale and make thickened liquid for him to drink.  Friend got back and stayed with him until he passed,  several months later.
       Another friends Mother had a Nurses Aid with her in Independent Living who was called away when anyone needed a Nurses Aid and all others were on assignments. They were charging more than one resident for the same time periods and this time they left friends Mother alone. She wandered out of her apartment and fell down the back concrete steps. The facility put her in bed instead of sending her to the hospital and told the family she was alright, no damage. That was the start of her fatal decline. The family moved Mother and Father to an other facility right away.   Subsequently they found out in xrays from falling at the new facility that she broke her shoulder at the rogue facility and it did not heal correctly.  She died within several months of moving to the new facility having never recovered from her fall down the concrete steps.
        Will keep you in prayers that you find a way to get your LO out of the facility that has banned you.

Ask the head of the memory care this question.

I am troubled by the facility's action. Since your father has dementia, he is not fully capable of representing his personal medical history to staff; it is incumbent upon facility staff to reach out to family members to determine salient features of your father's medical history. Do you have Power of Attorney (POA)? That could prove to be helpful although not determinant. I have found that being a court-appointed guardian for medical purposes gave me more of a say in my loved one's care. If you do not have at least POA, you may want to enlist the help of an elder attorney who can apprise you of your rights and help you navigate the labyrinthine world of long-term care. I sincerely hope that you are able to get to a place of real communication with the facility that is supposed to render care to your father.

This conversation has me thinking about the resident at a bad facility where Mom was, back quite a bit and when I read how family is asked not to visit for several weeks in some circumstances so the LO can adjust better to the facility after they seemingly do not have the support of the family(for them). Are they being forced to submit and accept abusive behaviors in that time and place? I have seen that happen in Personal Care when the residents are intimidated in the dining room. There were only 2 servers for 40 LO's. The servers brought them what the server wanted to bring them and would yell and intimidate them if they said anything. Some were not feed their special diets. When I was there with my Mother I would watch and see someones loved one shut down in acceptance. I would intervene and say, NO that's not what she ordered. I got in trouble. That is the way a rogue facility operates. How do you know which it is? One daughter got along chummy with the staff. She tips the DR staff when there is a no tipping rule. Her Mother is over accommodated there when she visits and stays overnight for 2 weeks at a time, I was told no-one but a resident was permitted to stay overnight. When the daughter is gone, the resentment kicks in among the staff at the Mother. The Mother then gets the same bad treatment or worse in the Dining room and all about. The Nurses Aids get back at the resident by not answering her call button. She was yelling help, help when I was under restricted hours and not allowed in the dining room or at activities. From her door I asked what was wrong. She was sitting up in front of the TV and her leg that was elevated was slumped into a awkward position. I told her I wasn't allowed to help her but I would get her a Nurse or NA. In the Nurses Room there was a gathering of N/NA's. They said, we have been hearing her alarm for an hour now (like it was a big nuisance to them.) They weren't in a meeting it was just BS and snack food. I think the daughter didn't care as she saw what was going on in the dining room and about. Her Mother had to adjust to abuse, not speak about it, but she got played nice to when her daughter is there. Don't be accepting and nieve when you are cut back in hours or banned.

Don’t know how he acts out the place doesn’t tell me anything. Won’t even tell me if he’s fine or not.

If a person is a resident of the Facility of another, it would seem that THE OWNER/MANAGER could indeed ban you, for cause...which should be specified, reasonable and not arbitrary. However, the POA has the Power to change facilities, if authorized under a Durable POA. I agree with another commenter who noted that the POA has to weigh the Costs of making such a move v. acquiescing in the Actions of the Facility/Administrator.