My 87-year-old aunt suffering from moderate dementia fell and broke her hip resulting in a rehab care home. Her husband is deceased and she has no children. She lives alone. My mom (her sister) is detached so her business is left up to my brother, sister and I. She never gave anyone power of attorney or signed her home over to a family member. So now the arguments between us have begun. My brother and I want her to go back home if possible and my mom and sister want her to stay in the care home. What can/should we do?
What is the professional assessment (by the rehab discharge planners) of what level of care she needs?
Can family members provide that care? Does she have the financial resources to pay for that care privately? Have you looked into her eligibility for Medicaid?
What level of home care will Medicaid cover in your state?
The bottom line is, not what anyone "wants" rather what she needs and how to get that put in place.
I would hope the family could figure this out and help her make arrangements. I would likely see an attorney to get advice on the matter, options, etc. It may be necessary to have a guardian appointed if no one has Durable POA or Healthcare POA.
With dementia, as stated above, your aunt will not know her home when she IS home. My mom thought we moved her into a brand new house every night along with all of her clothes and furniture. Every night Sundowners, a very usual part of dementia, would cause her to not know where her bedroom was, or who my dad or I were. Within just 3 months of first showing signs of dementia, she would wake up around midnight and get dressed for the day and then start wandering. My dad would be awake most of the night helping her find the bathroom, her bed, her clothes, etc. This was only going to get much worse.
I know this is hard to even fathom when you have never seen this before. But please trust us. We have been there and know the anguish, stress, and hurt that this causes. A protected 24/7 care environment will be so much better for your aunt - and your whole family - than going alone through the constant changes as the dementia progresses.
Also there is a group you can find online called A Place for Mom that will offer advice/referrals for free. Each county also has an Area Agency on Aging that can give you resources/info for free. Praying for you, your siblings, and her siblings as you make these decisions. It's not easy, but please know you are not walking this journey alone.
I know that you would want her home but that is a HUGE undertaking. Just read some of the posts and comments and place yourself in the Caregiver role.
What might be better is to have a discussion with the Social worker where she is and begin the process of application to medicaid. They will help you with this process.
If you have family yourself and a job I would strongly urge you not to bring her into your home. I guess I should say unless she has the financial resources to pay for caregivers so that all does not fall on you and your family.
If your mother, you, and your sibs can visit your aunt regularly in a care center that will go a long way toward improving the quality of her life, right where she is. My 3 sisters and I each visited our demented mother in the nursing home once a week. That enabled us to observe the quality of her care and to be her advocate. One of us always attended the quarterly care conference. We did various activities with Mom, wheeled her around the neighborhood on nice days, and generally let her know that she was loved. After a rough adjustment period, she blossomed in the nh in ways we never expected.
Please don't think of this as all or nothing. Even if she can't afford the care she would need at home, that doesn't mean there is nothing you can do to contribute to the quality of her last years.
I had a similar issue with my Dad. The lawyer and notary together interviewed my Dad. They determined that he did understand the document he was presented with and what it meant. This was not to say he could function normally....that is not the legal requirement. He signed the POA, the family lawyer witnessed and attested to his assessment of Dads mental state...the notary signed and sealed it. And it was filed with the county clerk
Done
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