My father lives alone at a senior complex. He has friends there, gets involved in the activities, and goes on some outings.
He stopped driving a few months ago so I’ve been doing his weekly grocery order and taking him to appts. But oh my goodness, he is calling me so much that I’ve had to block his number sometimes and then check voicemail(which he always leaves) to see if it’s an emergency.
It’s like he calls anytime he thinks of something to tell me or anytime he thinks of something he needs. I have given him a notepad that’s on his fridge so he can write down what he needs for his grocery trip once a week.
Often when I do call him or answer the phone, he will then start calling me repeatedly to tell me things he thought of after we talk.
I’ve tried telling him that if he calls, I will call him back when I’m available. That doesn’t work.
I am feeling so guilty about not answering his calls but this is very disruptive. Please help.
Not easy but it definitely helped. What REALLY helped was, when she was calling me up to 17x/day , I got a second, ‘dumb’, flip phone, didn’t tell her that #, and turned off the ringer on the phone number she knew . She still got her daily call to me, but when she filled up the messaging on the original line, it was no big deal because I’d given that second stealth number to folks who I didn’t want to miss calls from. This worked so well for me. Just fyi this was about 3-4 yrs back, I have Verizon, and had to pay the usual blarg installment fees. After that it’s been an added $6 a month for that second line .Best 6$/mo I’ve ever spent.
Now she can’t call, but I call her once a day around the same time, and even with her extremely garbled memory, she knows it’s me calling because I’m consistent on the timing.
Guilt is a doozy and I still grapple with it. I’ve found that reading around this forum helps with the guilt more than near anything.
Truly wishing you the best!
I am assuming there is some dementia here? Because anyone else can understand "NO! You cannot and must not do this". If you are dealing with dementia severe enough a person cannot understand not to do this, then it may be necessary that his phone is removed for some hours of the day or YOUR PHONE is. We did not always live in a world where the phone is attached to our hips.
I would stop answering any calls such as this. I would tell Dad he may speak with you once in a.m. and once in evening. Again, if these simple instructions cannot be understood ONE OF YOU is going to have to turn off your phone for a while daily.
Talk to others in the facility, someone there goes shopping and can take him along or possibly they have a bus.
My mother is 98 and in AL she takes the facilities bus to shop, once a month my brother takes her shopping as well, that is it, she eats her meals in the dining room so the food is just supplementary.
If you do not get a handle on this now, it will continue to get worse.
Sending support your way.
It is healthy to establish boundaries.
there is no reason to feel guilty about doing what is healthy for you.
You can give him a block of time that it is ok for him to call. For example if you work and can take a lunch between 11:30 and 12:00 tell him he can call between 11:30 and 11:45, if he does not call in that timeframe but calls later, the call can go to VM. This still gives you a bit of time to have lunch uninterrupted.
My MIL did it in AL (and she was not only calling us, but everyone in her contact phone book so we had to erase their numbers because some of those people were in way different time zones).
My Mom is now doing it (calls her sister in FL every day even though sister has told her not to and is annoyed by it).
My good friend (newly diagnosed) just called me yesterday, started chatting away and then said "Why did you call me?"
1) don't feel guilty about not answering his calls. Responding every time he thinks up something will exhaust you. His urgency isn't your emergency.
2) get him diagnosed or tested so that you know what you're dealing with. There are other medical issues that can mimic dementia symtoms, like a UTI - which is treatable.
3) make sure he has all his legal ducks in a row: are you his PoA? Is anyone? Does he have a Living Will? A Last Will? A pre-need guardianship? These are must-haves in you are going to oversee his care.
4) check his phone history to see who else he is calling and how often. Does he have a smart phone? With access to the internet? You may need to put limits on who he calls and if he goes online (where many a scam is waiting for someone just like him).
Watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to get educated and find strategies to better interact with people with cognitive and memory impairment so that you can have more peaceful and productive interactions. I learned a lot from her - so very helpful!
But I can definitely tell that he has some decline.
He has been stubborn about getting a POA and any other legal documents I have suggested. I am actively working on that with him.
I thought that maybe he wasn’t remembering calling so many times.
He seems to get fixated on a task or item. For example, this past weekend he decided he wanted new laces for a pair of dress shoes he hasn’t worn in awhile. He called me so much about them to see if I ordered them. I finally ordered them and had them shipped. Then he kept calling to see when they were going to arrive.
It’s like no good deed goes unpunished.
And fortunately, he does not have a smart phone. It’s an old style flip phone. No wifi on it.
He has a computer but it is new and he has a hard time navigating it because it’s not like his old one so he doesn’t use it.
It sure sounds like dad needs more help than he's getting in independent living and needs Assisted Living now. Most elders in AL have short term memory issues going on, so dad would be in good company. OCD behaviors occur with cognitive impairment as well, such as obsessing over shoelaces for dress shoes he no longer wears.
Wishing you the best of luck with getting dad into a better care environment. He may not stop calling you continuously, but you'll know he's in good hands.
I have suggested AL to him pointing out that he could be getting meals prepared for him and more help. He is very stubborn and thinks he’s fine, likes where he lives, and doesn’t want to spend the money.
Told my cousin, I just mute it if someone calls, if it's important, they can leave a message.. Pretty simple.
And now this, my daughter won't answer my calls either.... :(
I just want to hear her voice. Maybe your dad is lonely and wants to hear your voice. If he has a cell phone, just text him, sorry dad, I will call you later. I love you.