I became the durable power of attorney for my 86 yr old mom in 4/10, before she went to live in an ALF.My sister and brother were livid that I took it upon myself---my sister is dumb as dirt about a lot of stuff and doesn't even own a computer or know how to use one! My brother just didn't spend any time with mom to know what she needed or to help with the paperwork of getting mom admitted to an ALF and making sure that her finances would allow her to live there, even when she runs out of money.
As POA, I have had to go thru bags and bags of papers and photos that mom had in closets and drawers in her house---going back more than 20 years!! In the process, I duscovered that my sister managed to manipulate over $7,000 from mom for things like boarding their dog when they went on vacations, to paying for my niece's class trip to NYC, and over $1,000 for a car payment!! MY brother managed to manipulate (which wasn't hard for him b/c he has always been mom's "golden boy")about $20,000 over the past 20 years. Most checks were either $100-$200 but their were big checks like $800. $1700 and $3100!!!
When I confronted my sister, who couldn't believe that evidence of her deeds existed----she told our brother abouit my findings. I got an e-mail from my brother, typed all in CAPS---ie yelling at me---that he paid the money back years ago, in cash. This can't be proved. I couldn't find any deposits in mom's accounts and my brother can claim that they were in small amounts that mom never deposited!!! I don't believe him!
I am angry and hurt beyond words. My husband and I never asked mom for a penny of her money since we are adults and responsible for ourselves. Mom would probably have given me money if I asked, but I didn't want to dig into her money needed for her old age and, as I said, we are responsible for managing our own finances.
Now that mom is almost 87 and won't remember if my brother paid her back or not, there is no point in asking her.. I know my anger is not rational against mom but she calls me whenever she has a panic attack, gets upset about something that she perceives as a problem, etc. She will also call me and ask me to buy her stuff that she needs such as a soap dish or neck chain for her reading glasses. I feel that my brother and sister should be taking care of all of her needs and phone calls since they've benefitted from her money,
Mom doesn't know about any of this and I do call her and stop by to see her but feel reluctant to take her to any doctor appointments, manicures, etc. I work part-time (20 hours/wk) and have a lot of other stuff going on in my life.
My questions:
1) can I get paid for all of the time and effort that I've put into preparing her house for sale (cleaned out the house by arranging charity pick-ups, interior prep such as painting, carpeting and new kitchen counters, etc). I know my brother can be paid as the personal representative/executor of her will.
I hope that my mom dies penniless but taken care of my her ALF and later Medicaid nursing home.
2) Some people have told me to "let it go" and continue taking care of mom. (Mom was never real smart about a lot of stuff.)
How do I get over this feeling of anger and hurt? One of mom's checks to my brother was $500 for his birthday and I was lucky if she took me outr to lunch for my birthday. My brother has always been her favorite.
Sorry this is so long but I am so wound up and this is taking over my life---I've forgotten 2 appointments over the past week!!
Thankyou! Even though your advice for yourself was to"let it go": is difficult for me, it may be the only option. Mom gave my sibs all this money before the dementia---when she was just a weak person unable to say "No" to my brother (the golden boy) or my sister. If I were to challenge her about what she did and ask her if my brother REALLY PAID HER BACK IN CASH (which I seriously doubt), it would just send her into horriblr panic attacks. I am angry and hurt that she gave money to my sibs but it won't do her any good for me to confront her now. I now want nothing to do with my sibs who took advantage of her weakness---not thinking ahead to mom's old age and need for financial security. I can at least sleep knowing that I didn't take from her.
My advise, there is nothing you will be able to do about the past except learn from it, and who(m) to trust and not trust. I know I have.
To keep your sanity, keep the records, and forget about anything that isn't helping your mother. You really will be able to rest well knowing that you didn't take advantage of her! God Bless you!