Follow
Share

My mother is 93 years old, but very strong and difficult. Also hard of hearing and won't wear a hearing aid. Last night when I tried to pay the staff person for her hairdressing, she wanted the money back and grabbed the staff lady by both arms and wouldn’t let go, saying she wanted her money back. She was hurting the lady and I was scared. I ended of giving her a very small light slap on her cheek like what you would do to wake someone up, she then let go and we went back into her room, and she settled down. Now the facility is saying I hit her and won’t let me in, saying I am a danger. I am devastated. She has been there for 3 years, and they know me. I can’t believe they think I would hurt my mother. It didn’t hurt her, just turned her attention, and made her let go. I didn’t know what else to do, no other staff was around at night. Now I feel like a monster, I am 71 years old and smallish. They won’t give me a written report or return my calls, can they really deny me access to my mother? Should I get an attorney? Thank you.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
So sorry this has happened to you.

One thought from me only, which is, whenever you talk to anyone concerning this (lawyer, Director, facility staff) I'd strongly suggest you LEAD WITH talk about something like, "an awful incident where I was trying to stop my mother from assaulting the hair dresser" and never with "when I slapped my mother."

As I hear it, the narrative would be something like, "the lady came to collect her pay for doing mom's hair while I was visiting Mom. When I went to pay the woman, Mom suddenly attacked the woman violently and wouldn't let go. I was terrified and felt I had to break it up and protect the woman. Mom wouldn't listen to me and she wouldn't let go. I have no experience or training in anything like this, I just kept trying to keep my mother from really harming the woman or knocking her over. I was afraid to go look for help, I didn't think I should leave the woman alone in the room with my mother, I didn't know what she would do."

If other people have advice about what they think you should have done, you can say "yes, now I can see that that would have been better, at the time I was just too scared about what she was doing I guess."
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Your mom needs to be in a higher level of care now. You might lead the discussion with that sentence and explain that you didn’t realize and don’t have the training to deal with her. My thoughts on the slap: whether it was assault depends on the laws in that state.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
lealonnie1 Nov 2022
This. Why is an AL keeping a senior with this level of dementia, which is a dereliction of duty? Clearly she belongs in Memory Care where this NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED bc residents are not permitted to carry cash or pay for services in Memory Care Assisted Living! All services are added to their bill so a scene like this can be avoided.
OP, this would be my stance.
(6)
Report
Yes. Call an elder care attorney immediately to find out what YOUR rights are in this situation. If no police report was filed, I believe the ALF has no right to prevent you from seeing your mother bc no charges were filed.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

To oreominnie:

1. you drove 10 hours to have thanksgiving dinner with your mom. That is giving. And sacrifice.

My hubby’s oldest daughter cried about how much she missed her daddy and wishes he lived closer to her. She drove from Florida to some state up north west to see her stepson. She stopped here in Kansas and stayed 2 hours then left. She barely talked to her dad.
Such a loving daughter.

2. You kept your cool when dealing with your mom. You talked with her and checked her emotions with about both her and your actions. Plus, you are questioning your action and feel shame. You did not yell, scream, belittle her.
That is patience.

I'm a natural caregiver and used to have really good patience but I tell you what the first few years of being 24/7 caregiver almost drove me to murder. Lots and lots of coming to Jesus conversations with myself saved me. And hubby.

3. give yourself more credit.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Sorry for your situation. I’m hoping it will get sorted out and will be okay.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Oreo, I am not trying to freak you out further but, if the AL files assault charges they will probably file an emergency guardianship at the same time. You won't be able to move her, see her or speak with her until everything is settled.

If the ED hasn't reached out to you, they are probably waiting to hear from the attorney they have on retainer to figure out what to do.

Obviously the hairdresser was shook up and reported the whole incident, she is your and the ALs wild card, nobody knows what her perception of the incident is. She can report all of you if she feels the AL isn't protecting the residence and family is allowed to be physical with demented seniors.

Right now the AL is covering their butt by keeping you away. It will be Monday at the earliest before their legal counsel advises them.

Personally, I would not wait around, I would head home and speak to an attorney from the comfort and safety of my home and state on Monday. Because you could be dealing with a real mess depending on the ALs actions and you don't want to be 10 hours from home doing it.

Best of luck in this unfortunate situation.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Where is the staff person she grabbed ? I would Have her explain what happened and that she was hurting her and you Had to Intervene .
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Since they are keeping you away and not returning your calls perhaps they are awaiting instruction. So this happened Thursday night? As in On Thanksgiving?
Perhaps due to the holidays they decided this was the best course of action until they are advised by their attorney. They may be required by law to report it to someone and then the department who they reported it to will have their own procedures that they will be negligent if they don’t follow up on.

They would not be able to justify that behavior if it had been the staff who “slapped” your mother.

By the way, I would not be leaving any messages or using the word “slap” as to what happened. I think I understand what you mean you did but your mom is not a child and it is never appropriate to slap anyone. If anyone finds themselves wanting to or actually using violence against a vulnerable person, it is time to get yourself help and at the least step away.

I know you are sorry and it must feel awful. Yes. I think I probably would feel better if I had an attorney.

I like what Bandy wrote. She made a good point about your trying to protect the hairdresser from mom. Did anyone take a photo of mom to show a red mark? What was the hairdressers intention if you hadn’t helped mom regain her composure? Was this her first time to have your mom as a client?

And Lea has an excellent point as well. I thought with an ALF your mom was a resident and not a patient? A care meeting seems more appropriate than a ban.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
oreominnie Nov 2022
Thank you for your reply. I expect they must report any incident to someone, though i don't know who. There were no marks, and no this hairdresser has done moms hair before, but I always paid her surreptitiously because mom thinks it should be free and always gets upset. My mistake was paying her in front of mom when she came to the room to collect her pay. I don't know what the HD would have done if I hadn't been there.
Mom is a resident here. As for your suggestion of help for me, I agree, I am not a naturally good caregiver.
(2)
Report
U should have ran to an attorney right after this happened. I wouldn’t have slapped my mom for nothing and no one. I would say ma’am I will take the money back and given it to her before I left. Or if I had extra I would have said hey mom here is the money it’s ok. Now it’s going to look like ur abusive and that at any situation it’s possible that that’s the way u would handle things. That’s y I don’t like those places bc it’s kinda of like prison once u sign urself or anyone over u belong to them snd there goes the fight for ur rights . U know it’s not free lawyers etc. now u have a serious problem.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Keep record of dates and times u call. Names of ppl. If u visit take someone with u to video record. Send certified letters to show proof u had been trying to contacting ur mom. Get a lawyer asap. If u want mom to move with u so be it if possible or if u want her stay there make amends and visit
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
oreominnie Nov 2022
Thank you for your advice. I talked my mom this morning, she was fine and in good spirits, but doesn't remember anything about that evening. I know it was terrible, Im still in a state of shock. I have never raised a hand against anyone, have no experience with attorneys. I don't want to move her, I think it would be too much for her at this stage. I guess i will have to if charges are filed. I am still hoping to talk to the Director.
(3)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter