I know this is long.... I hope someone can read and give feedback... thank you.....
My sister and I (early 40s) have been caretaking for my parents (late 60s) for the last ten years and live with them. Dad had a tumor in his pancreas and refused surgery. About a year ago, he went into respiratory failure and at the hospital, doctors found and surgically removed the tumor. He still has cirrhosis of the liver, a liver mass that could be cancerous, and chf. Over the last year, he has become increasingly aggressive and angry. My mom has chronic pain in her legs and feet and severe dizziness for years and refuses to see a doc.
A few months ago, she woke with severe dizziness and nausea. Within days, her personality changed. She used to talk mostly to me and my sister and not to my dad. She wanted to divorce him. Now, she only talks to him and has become passive with him and controlling with us – ridiculous requests to kneel before her or water a tree NOW in the middle of my meal and if it isn't done right then, they'll start screaming at us. Within days of her dizzy spell, she and my dad angrily decided to move out of state, buy a fixer-upper and sell the house we currently live in. They don’t want any questions from us and won’t share any information even though this affects our living arrangements and they expect us to move with them. They whisper and hide the computer screen from us. They’re also scheduling fixtures for our current house like flooring for our bedrooms without discussing it with us and throwing out our high school photos.
A few weeks ago, I finally told them they are loving and caring parents and lately have not been speaking to us at all, why? Mom started to respond calmly, but dad interrupted and yelled and used profanity. My sister walked away and I stayed asking if we could speak calmly. His response: "If I were standing closer to you, I would slap you in your face." He moved towards me to hit me but my sister came to move me to my room. He yelled, “If you walk away from me, you better pack your bags and leave my f*n home” and threw clothing at me. Mom came into my room and said we needed to apologize to him. She supported his violent behavior. She said parents never apologize and we need to do what she says when she says it. We apologized to him just to keep the peace because we live together. Apologies don’t fix anything, though. Their secrecy, anger, controlling and violent behavior is concerning. My sister and I don’t know of anything we’ve done wrong to either of them and they can’t seem to tell us either. They are just angry at everything. It seems like the ultimate form of control that they sell the house we live in and buy another one out of state and expect that we do not ask questions and move with them, which we will not do. For now, my sister and I are staying out of their way and not asking anything to avoid their verbal and physical abuse. They have never been physically abusive and only verbally in the last ten years while sick. Our family dogs have always barked at dad, but since her personality change, they bark at mom, too. Mom has always kept dad in check, but now she is letting him control everything and has joined him in his anger towards us. Is this early onset dementia? Did mom have a TIA? Any advice?
I would move out with your sister because physical violence and demands to kneel before them is not acceptable. Call APS on your way out and report 2 vulnerable elders living alone and acting violent. That's what I'd do. APS can place them if they find them unfit to live alone.
Best of luck with a tough situation.
They are not behaving like ‘parents’, and you shouldn’t be behaving like ‘children’ – or carers. Leave – without guilt.
It sounds very unhealthy to me and I think to most reading your post.
NO loving parent would ever want their children giving up their lives and happiness to look after them in their own home.
You and your sister could have looked after both parents from across town in your own homes or apartments, so I'm guessing there's way more to this story than you've shared.
So bottom line...you and sister need to grow up, be more independent and move out ASAP and even get a place together if you so choose, and then call Adult Protective Services and report what's going on with your parents. They will come out and do an assessment and if needed, take things from there.
Oh...and if and when they actually decide to move, please let them and don't you dare go with them. It's much healthier if you now stay behind and live your own life by yourself or with your sister...don't you think?
And one more thing...your parents are still quite young and could live another 30+ years or so. Are you truly willing to give up your life for 30+ more years living with them? I'm just curious.
You both need to move out.
Your parents can take care of themselves. And if they can't someone can and should report them to your States Elder Abuse hotline. The report would be 2 vulnerable seniors. An investigation would determine if they are safe living alone.
But you and your sister are not able to do anything if you do not have POA.
You can't make them see a doctor, you can't prevent them from moving, you can't prevent them from doing anything they wish to do.
What you can and should do is move out and begin living your lives.
If at anytime you are threatened or are afraid for your safety (or your sisters) you have to call 911.
You also call 911 if your father becomes aggressive with your mother, or anyone else or your mother becomes aggressive to anyone.
I googled and found Shared Psychosis. This seems something like what is going on with them:
Yes, two parents can experience identical or strikingly similar psychotic delusions at the same time, a phenomenon known in psychiatry as shared psychosis or Folie à deux. [1, 2]
How Shared Psychosis Works
Inducer and Recipient: Usually, one parent (the primary case) develops a psychiatric disorder with active delusions, such as schizophrenia or paranoid delusions. The second parent (the secondary case) gradually adopts the same false belief due to their close emotional bond and constant isolation from outside perspectives.
Simultaneous Onset (Folie simultanée): In rarer instances, two people who are both predisposed to mental illness experience the same persecutory or depressive delusions co-occurring at the same time, without a clear single-origin transmission.
Your parents clearly need medical help. When they get it, ask about shared psychosis. I have heard about it and may have seen it with a family that seems highly delusional within their own family culture. I wish you luck in dealing with your parents' issues, but don't become part of them! These don't seem like the kind of issues that can be easily treated or go away on their own. You and sis need your own lives, so report parents to APS and get out of there!
Do you have jobs?
He can flip in a day..does anyone have a living trust or POA on your parents?
He needs yo have his blood checked again. This is a really messed up disease.. liver cannot filter so poison builds up in blood which travels all over, right?
My experience : One week he was fine, and the next he was not, extremely angry, confused, and wanted me arrested..
this is more serious than just trying to move.. he probably needs to be evaluated and how bad the cirrhosis has progressed.
He could actually turn on your mom as he has turned on you...
They actually need you n sister. You snd sister need to talk to their doctors snd you two need to find the living trust snd POA's if they have those.
How scary that he wanted you arrested. It feels like that over here, too. I am unable to call his doctor because if he found out, which he would, I am scared of his violence and my sister and I live with him.
He has angrily thrown out all his prescriptions and he returned all his prescribed oxygen equipment a few days ago without doc approval (he's supposed to be on oxygen at night along with CPAP for sleep apnea). He had a CT last month to see if the pancreatic tumor did not grow back; it was the final follow-up for his surgery last year. My sister or I always accompany him to every appointment. This time, neither parent asked us to and they did not share the results with us.
If he ever makes it into ER, what blood test do we ask for?
Dr prescribed: Lactulose to help reduce the poisons built up in the blood by more bowel movements and urinating more..
You need to call Dad's doctor and talk about Hepatic Encephalopathy and does he have it.
As said, if you get hit by either of them, call 911 and tell the operator that you are afraid of them. Let the police take them to ER. Tell the staff there what you have seen. Make sure that the SW knows they cannot come back to the home. That the other spouse cannot care for the other and they both have become too much to handle. The State will need to take over care.
Yes, get APS involved. Again, your parents are aggressive and won't see a doctor. Make a list of changes now for each of them and any new ones coming up. Both will probably need LTC. If you allow the State to take over they will do everything.
HE is caused by the buildup of poisons
in the blood since the liver can no longer filter poisons out of the blood..
as Joann says if dad looks like he is 10 months pregnant, the liver is done..
you may not want to wait and get him into ER now however you get him there.
call 911 and I don't think you should wait for an angry episode. Dad may cooperate with police or fire department, someone with authority and not family.
Once dad is in ER and mom is actually separated from Dad, she may be less combative.
Probably best to get her into ER ASAP too.
Call dad's doctor and let him
know that dad is being delivered to ER.
Do they have the same doctor?
Your dad needs to go to hospital now.
However you get him there is up to you.
He most likely has a really really bad liver. He needs to get tapped. His body is filling up with fluids. Thus excessive fluid will affect his heart, lungs, all the organs. The organs will not have room to expand or move. When the lungs can't expand and contract as needed to flow oxygen, it's not good.
Call his old doctor now. His body is literally filling up because the liver is not functioning. When they tap him, they will extract at least 1 liter of fluid, probably more.
The first time, my LO was tapped they took out 1.3 liters.
The last time he was tapped, they pulled out 9 Liters = 2 gallons.
So how big is your dad's belly and is this normal looking?. No.
The hospital will keep him there until his vitals and all his fluids are stable and that could take a couple of weeks honestly.
Then for palliative and or Hospice evaluation on your dad when he gets home. Talk with the hospital social worker when he gets admitted.
They will also have a ultrasound so they can locate the best place to insert the needle to draw out the fluids.
The fluids will be sucked into the machine with a gauge of how many liters are being collect collected the fluid looks like beer, bubbly, and foamy.
Look up the dangers of low potassium and liver disease. Honestly, you are going to get a reprieve from your dad because he will most likely be admitted into the hospital for a number of days until those levels are close to being normal..
this is truly a bouncing act.
Can you imagine walking with 1 or 2 liters of fluids in your abdominal cavity, let alone 2 gallons?
if your dad returned oxygen tanks and all his equipment, I believe he has made his final decision..
HE is putting himself on Hospice..he doesn't want to go through anything else..
he doesn't want to do this anymore..
your mom is getting the brunt of his anger just as you pointed out..
I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
He is on his own hospice..when it comes time, just know this is his decision. It is so easy to jump on the train of guilt. Do not feel guilty. You two did everything you possibly could.
🙏
you may want to go to your local fire department and talk with the station's fire captain, and explain your situation.
i had to call my local station to come help me get my spouse up off the floor. He started falling at least a couple times a week..
my scenario was not an emergency. the call I made to 911 ended with the operator hanging up on me when I said it was not an emergency.
The paramedics are there, they may give you really good advice snd how to handle this situation..
the police department may give you similar advice.
my local FD is very close to home, it was very easy to go up and talk with someone in person.. it helped me..
how can anyone pick up a 200 lb person when they are not capable to help you help him? It took at least two if not 3 firemen to get spouse back into bed..
I finally got hospice involved..
my MIL fell several times, the caretaker would call the 80 year old neighbor to get MIL off be floor. We finally called the neighbor and told him no more.. just call 911..
It's not safe to try to pick up a man or deal with a man who can become violent., yes, talk with fire department in person.
I know you haven't dealt with your parents falling yet..but if it does become an issue, let the paramedics transport them..,do not move them yourselves.. you stay out of harms way.
ur parents may react better with authority..