I know this is long.... I hope someone can read and give feedback... thank you.....
My sister and I (early 40s) have been caretaking for my parents (late 60s) for the last ten years and live with them. Dad had a tumor in his pancreas and refused surgery. About a year ago, he went into respiratory failure and at the hospital, doctors found and surgically removed the tumor. He still has cirrhosis of the liver, a liver mass that could be cancerous, and chf. Over the last year, he has become increasingly aggressive and angry. My mom has chronic pain in her legs and feet and severe dizziness for years and refuses to see a doc.
A few months ago, she woke with severe dizziness and nausea. Within days, her personality changed. She used to talk mostly to me and my sister and not to my dad. She wanted to divorce him. Now, she only talks to him and has become passive with him and controlling with us – ridiculous requests to kneel before her or water a tree NOW in the middle of my meal and if it isn't done right then, they'll start screaming at us. Within days of her dizzy spell, she and my dad angrily decided to move out of state, buy a fixer-upper and sell the house we currently live in. They don’t want any questions from us and won’t share any information even though this affects our living arrangements and they expect us to move with them. They whisper and hide the computer screen from us. They’re also scheduling fixtures for our current house like flooring for our bedrooms without discussing it with us and throwing out our high school photos.
A few weeks ago, I finally told them they are loving and caring parents and lately have not been speaking to us at all, why? Mom started to respond calmly, but dad interrupted and yelled and used profanity. My sister walked away and I stayed asking if we could speak calmly. His response: "If I were standing closer to you, I would slap you in your face." He moved towards me to hit me but my sister came to move me to my room. He yelled, “If you walk away from me, you better pack your bags and leave my f*n home” and threw clothing at me. Mom came into my room and said we needed to apologize to him. She supported his violent behavior. She said parents never apologize and we need to do what she says when she says it. We apologized to him just to keep the peace because we live together. Apologies don’t fix anything, though. Their secrecy, anger, controlling and violent behavior is concerning. My sister and I don’t know of anything we’ve done wrong to either of them and they can’t seem to tell us either. They are just angry at everything. It seems like the ultimate form of control that they sell the house we live in and buy another one out of state and expect that we do not ask questions and move with them, which we will not do. For now, my sister and I are staying out of their way and not asking anything to avoid their verbal and physical abuse. They have never been physically abusive and only verbally in the last ten years while sick. Our family dogs have always barked at dad, but since her personality change, they bark at mom, too. Mom has always kept dad in check, but now she is letting him control everything and has joined him in his anger towards us. Is this early onset dementia? Did mom have a TIA? Any advice?
I would move out with your sister because physical violence and demands to kneel before them is not acceptable. Call APS on your way out and report 2 vulnerable elders living alone and acting violent. That's what I'd do. APS can place them if they find them unfit to live alone.
Best of luck with a tough situation.
Do you have jobs?
They are not behaving like ‘parents’, and you shouldn’t be behaving like ‘children’ – or carers. Leave – without guilt.
You both need to move out.
Your parents can take care of themselves. And if they can't someone can and should report them to your States Elder Abuse hotline. The report would be 2 vulnerable seniors. An investigation would determine if they are safe living alone.
But you and your sister are not able to do anything if you do not have POA.
You can't make them see a doctor, you can't prevent them from moving, you can't prevent them from doing anything they wish to do.
What you can and should do is move out and begin living your lives.
If at anytime you are threatened or are afraid for your safety (or your sisters) you have to call 911.
You also call 911 if your father becomes aggressive with your mother, or anyone else or your mother becomes aggressive to anyone.
I googled and found Shared Psychosis. This seems something like what is going on with them:
Yes, two parents can experience identical or strikingly similar psychotic delusions at the same time, a phenomenon known in psychiatry as shared psychosis or Folie à deux. [1, 2]
How Shared Psychosis Works
Inducer and Recipient: Usually, one parent (the primary case) develops a psychiatric disorder with active delusions, such as schizophrenia or paranoid delusions. The second parent (the secondary case) gradually adopts the same false belief due to their close emotional bond and constant isolation from outside perspectives.
Simultaneous Onset (Folie simultanée): In rarer instances, two people who are both predisposed to mental illness experience the same persecutory or depressive delusions co-occurring at the same time, without a clear single-origin transmission.
Your parents clearly need medical help. When they get it, ask about shared psychosis. I have heard about it and may have seen it with a family that seems highly delusional within their own family culture. I wish you luck in dealing with your parents' issues, but don't become part of them! These don't seem like the kind of issues that can be easily treated or go away on their own. You and sis need your own lives, so report parents to APS and get out of there!
It sounds very unhealthy to me and I think to most reading your post.
NO loving parent would ever want their children giving up their lives and happiness to look after them in their own home.
You and your sister could have looked after both parents from across town in your own homes or apartments, so I'm guessing there's way more to this story than you've shared.
So bottom line...you and sister need to grow up, be more independent and move out ASAP and even get a place together if you so choose, and then call Adult Protective Services and report what's going on with your parents. They will come out and do an assessment and if needed, take things from there.
Oh...and if and when they actually decide to move, please let them and don't you dare go with them. It's much healthier if you now stay behind and live your own life by yourself or with your sister...don't you think?
And one more thing...your parents are still quite young and could live another 30+ years or so. Are you truly willing to give up your life for 30+ more years living with them? I'm just curious.
As said, if you get hit by either of them, call 911 and tell the operator that you are afraid of them. Let the police take them to ER. Tell the staff there what you have seen. Make sure that the SW knows they cannot come back to the home. That the other spouse cannot care for the other and they both have become too much to handle. The State will need to take over care.
Yes, get APS involved. Again, your parents are aggressive and won't see a doctor. Make a list of changes now for each of them and any new ones coming up. Both will probably need LTC. If you allow the State to take over they will do everything.