Is it normal to feel as though you have betrayed your mother when you have to put her in a nursing home?
My 94-year-old mom was hospitalized on Memorial Day after a fall. Her 3rd fall in 3weeks. She spent the month of June in short term rehab, where they insisted she was strong enough to be released to her home on 6-30-2023, even though I told them she lives alone and still can’t go to the bathroom without help, not to mention dress herself, feed herself, etc. They set her up with home healthcare a couple hours a week. I did not think this was enough but they insisted she could be alone in the house. She fell again on 7-1-2023. She is completely incontinent, refuses to even try to get up without my being there to help her in her walker or wheelchair. After spending most of the day that she fell in the ER with her, we set up a plan to put her into a nursing home. She agreed she would go there. I felt good about it at the time. Of course, because of the holiday, she is still in my care until 7-5-2023. She is virtually helpless. I am stressed out of my mind. Today I am beginning to feel remorse that I am taking away her independence and betraying her. What is wrong with me? I know she has no choice given her current condition and this is best for her safety, but I am so upset by all of it.
Her options at this point are allowing caregivers come in and care for her 24/7 OR go to Assisted Living if this is the level of care that she needs.
A "nursing home" is what is now called Skilled Nursing facility and it is for people that require move medical attention. Assisted Living is for people that need help with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living such as toileting, bathing, fixing meals, dressing and so on)
And you are not taking away independence, from your description she is not independent. What you are taking away is the Illusion of independence.
That said, it's natural to feel guilty and sad over having to make such decisions. Then we often get to hear guilt trip lingo from chronic SNF-phobic posters here on the forum who should be ignored. In a perfect world, we'd all die before old age diseases and conditions set in to a degree we'd need managed care or help wiping our own butts. But we don't live in a perfect world and often have to make hard choices from a selection of ALL bad choices. Such is life.
My mother lived in a nice Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life, in a wheelchair, with advanced dementia and incontinent with severe neuropathy in both legs. She was beautifully cared for by "her girls" as she called them, and had a decent quality of life, too. In her condition, it was the best of a bad situation. I didn't feel guilty about the situation, but I always felt sad and tearful whenever I saw her.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
What is wrong with you? You answered that question. You’re stressed out of your mind. Stop rethinking it and give yourself the credit you deserve. Get mom where she needs to be and take her some cookies. The aides too.
Even so, at times I have flashes of guilt. Probably the realization that both our lives have changed and life won’t be the same.
Please take time for you - to process all these emotions. Wishing you peace in the midst of these changes.
Old age and the diminishment of our abilities comes to us all, whether we have children or no.
You are doing what is best for her and all concerned.
Upset is normal however you need to reframe your thinking, you are helping her not hindering her.
Nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, with aging there is no better, there is no betrayal only your grief that she no longer is the person you once knew.
If necessary, get some therapy to help you through this difficult time.
Sending support your way.
You didn't cause any of this. You can't fix any of this. You are human and have limitations and cannot be a 24/7 chief cook, bottlewasher, nurse, doctor for your Mom. We have seen people here get strokes from this. We have seen them have breakdowns.
You have done what you can. You have told her you are sorry and cannot go on and you love her I would bet, and she has told you it is OK, which will hurt you even more to your core. Anger is always easier because it gives you something to think about other than to stand witness to the awful --the DREADFUL pain and loss upon loss upon loss.
You are grieving. What kind of person would you be if you couldn't grief this loss. And is it not worth your Mom's tears, all she must go through, whether you stand witness to it 24/7 or not. And to know she is a burden to her beloved daughter, because the honest truth is (I am 81 and know) that's what we become, no matter our good intentions.
I am so sorry. There is no way round this grief but moving through it. Remember, guilt belongs to felons and they NEVER feel it. Just love your mom. Just love her. And please love yourself and accept that you are not god, you are not even a Saint. It's a bad job description anyway, I always say. It's a kind of hubris to think we can be perfect. We can't. We are human beings.
My heart goes out to you.
You are not betraying her. You are saving her from more falls, falls that could possibly really cripple her.
Don't beat yourself up about this. You are doing the right thing.
Now you can return to being her daughter instead of her caregiver.
You have shown her that you care by placing her in a facility where her needs will be met.
You can help by being a wonderful advocate and oversee her care.
Do not feel any remorse. You are doing the the best thing for her. You should feel proud of yourself that you were able to get this done.
Watching our parents lose the life they knew, we knew, is very sad and worth mourning. BUT, be as positive and upbeat about how much it is the right thing around your mom as possible. If you show any hesitation, it will give her an opening to work on you being her 24/7 caregiver or it will create fear for her, neither one is going to be helpful for the move.
You got this. You know in your head and heart that she now needs a village and you are ensuring that she has one. That is the most loving thing you can do for her.
I would encourage you to be her tour guide, meaning, join her for events, help her meet new people and meet them yourself. Homemade sweets are a HUGE icebreaker. I loved this time of year, I could do yummy fruit based deserts and not feel bad about jacking anyone up on sugar :-).
You will be her advocate and her daughter and that will be more beneficial for her then killing yourself to keep her home.
Great big warm hug! I found placing my dad to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, time does make it easier.
Please don’t question your decision to place your mom. You absolutely made the best choice for her. You’re being responsible!
I truly admire you for knowing your limitations instead of pushing yourself beyond your limits.
I wish I would have been able to see things as clearly as you have. I was one who continued to push myself way past my limits. Trust me, it doesn’t end well. I ended up in therapy.
Thank God, I had a great therapist who worked with me and helped me to realize that I didn’t have to be superwoman!
My mother was being cared for at home and was suffering as no one was capable of providing her the level of care she needed. Placing her in a facility was the best thing we could have done for her. Her health has drastically improved, and she is happy as she is getting more socialization.
I am grateful every day that my mother is in a facility, and I can care for my own kids, have a career, travel and enjoy life. Not all facilities are bad and if your mother needs a high level on hands on care, will be the best place for her.
Bless you! I understand! I know that my dad will eventually need assisted living but I do feel guilty. But.. I feel better about it after posting here. I got some great responses! As you said , it is for her safety and if you are like me, you can not be there 24/7.
I talked to my therapist about it and she asked me, 'how is arranging care NOT caring for your mom?'
We all feel this weight like it's our responsibility when it is actually help and assistance, and acting responsibly. Especially when you have secured finances, safety, security, medication, medical care... How is that a betrayal.
A betrayal would be like, I don't know, dumping her on a curb and saying "who are you?" Arranging OUTSIDE care is not a betrayal. It. Is. Still. Care.
Right now what you can do is make sure the facility is looking after her carefully and properly. That's the important part. Is it up to you to 24/7 your mom? No. Keeping your own mind, heart, and health intact, while overseeing the same for your mom is not betrayal, it is care. And if said facility sadly falls below that standard, you do like we all do and move on to the next that will better oversee her.
I have a mom that at any given minute would be worthy of walking away from, as many of us on this forum have. But the fact that you have a plan in place? How is that betrayal. "Hey mom, I looked out for you." Whisper that every day. Then ask yourself if you betrayed her.
Because you have not.
It turned out to be far better than I ever imagined. All the daily therapy, activities, and social stimulation has allowed him to regain strength and now he has a much better quality life. A lot better than laying in bed all alone!
You being stressed out of your mind won’t do anything for your mother. Nobody could give that kind of care 24/7. Her being taken care of properly and you living your life as her daughter and advocate will help make her remaining years as good as they can be. Please, take care of yourself and her, as you know you should.
He is better off where he is, he is getting better care than his daughters could give. He actually is doing better than he was his last year at home.
I am still managing my mother’s in home care and working on placing her there as well. No guilt about this either.
I know it is hard but try not to get too emotional about it. It doesn’t help. I’ve done what I’ve done out of love for my parents and I am sure you are too.
It is extremely difficult to make these decisions when necessary - for the welfare and safety of the loved one. It is a major life transition.
Feel as you feel. Allow your feelings to come up and out. Cry as you also acknowledge the love inside you for doing what is for her best interest. What you are doing is loving her.
Watching / observing a loved one slowly - or not so slowly - decline is difficult. We want the / our parent to be as they were. We do not want them to decline / die. This is human nature. As declining is.
Be present and love her as you are and can.
There is ABSOLUTELY nothing 'wrong' with you. You hurt, you love her. This is normal. You do not want her to suffer.
Gena / Touch Matters
You are making sure Mom gets the care she needs. You are a caring person . That is not a betrayal.
You are not responsible for taking away your mother's independence and betraying her, so don't accept false guilt. Your mother's age, frailty and physical limitations are what has taken away her independence.
Don't be taken by surprise that you're upset and stressed, because it comes with the territory. It's hard to watch, it's hard to make decisions, it's hard to care for someone who can't care for themselves, it's hard to process.
It's the hardest job we never wanted.
Your mother's care and safety are what is important - not necessarily where she receives it. You're doing what's right for her.
Peace and blessings.