Hi everyone. I e been posting for one year as I’ve watched my dad decline ( mom too) and decline offers to be close to me and finally last week he agreed and I had everything in place for him to come to Buffalo. Then 3 days ago they called me at noon from hospice and told me he wouldn’t last the trip and to go to him. So here I sit . He’s in an enhanced assisted living. He’s on hospice. He gets morphine every 3 hours and extra on PNA. He gets Adavan every 6. The evening I arrived he was out of it but knew who I was and then quickly started to deteriorate to “ I’m going to die, do you know what that means” , and hallucinations , which I understand. Today, he is unresponsive. I’m 61 but he’s my world. I’m a daddy’s girl and an only child and im here alone. I’m doing ok until I realize that I’ve already had my last conversation w him, looked at him in his eyes last time etc. so, the question, hospice only comes once a day. He’s moaning every time he exhales. And then maybe 20 -30 seconds between breaths. The moaning is just awful. Is he in pain? It’s almost like a loud snore ? I bath his arms and forehead, put lotion on, play his favorite music hug him, tell him I love him and NEVER cry in front of him. I tell him he can go. I just don’t know how much more I can take. Im
aleeping on a blowup bed here bc I don’t want him to be alone but I’m barely holding it together. They told me maybe by end of weekend. I have no regrets and he knows I have loved him “ the most” but what else can I do to make sure he’s comfortable and that I don’t regret anything in these last few hours or days. I’m sorry for rambling. 1/3 of me is afraid of how
calm i am and 1/3 one step away from losing it and 1/3 kind of in disbelief. I think this is the worst part. Im
lucky to have had 61 years with him but I’m still 8 when I’m around him. Reaching out to you all because frankly husband not too much help and is 6 hours away and recovering from hospital stay , can’t burden him , son in boot camp ( week 3) and dad and mom divorced so she’s in the dark. Any advice especially on is he in pain and what is that moaning sound he’s been making for 2 days ???!!! Hospice can’t tell Thank you again for the advice you’ve all given me over past 10
minths. It’s sad to look back and see what’s happened. Rambling again. Sorry!
I do understand that it’s important for some people to be there until the end. They feel honored to be at their loved one’s side.
I have never had any desire to see someone that I love draw their last breath and have that as my last memory of them.
I would rather have the memory of them being alive as my last image to remember them.
To each his/her own, I suppose.
I am so glad you made it in time to see your dad. He knows you are there. It is surreal to be at a parents death bed and so wonderful that you are able to tell him all that’s in your heart. What a gift for you both that you are that 8 yr old with her daddy.
Is he on oxygen? He might be more comfortable if he were.
Some dying people do make noises as they are dying. There is the death rattle which are secretions gathering.
Why not call the hospice nurse and let her hear his moaning and ask for more pain meds to see if it helps. Could you tell any difference after he had it last? Would you like to speak with the chaplain? Please call hospice for the services they provide.
Do step out for a breath of fresh air, a drink of water. Walk around. Know that sometimes they won’t pass if you are there so be willing to let him go however he chooses.
We are here for you Buffalogal.
You might ask if he should have something to moisten his mouth. With the moaning, it may be uncomfortably dried out. For my dad, we used something that looked like a lollipop. It was specifically for someone in this situation. Just insert it in his mouth and swab it around a bit. Also his lips - maybe a chapstick or a little vaseline.
With dad, he had a coughy sort of respiratory gurgle, which Rude Aunt angrily insisted was a cold that a family member had brought into the house. It was not. It was a death rattle, but I'd never heard it before and it was scary. Your dad's moaning might be akin to that. Just know that if that happens, there isn't anything to do. It's caused by secretions, and I was told that it didn't mean he was suffering.
I hope this helps a little. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
The sound varies. It may be a crackling, wet noise that is amplified as the person breathes. In other cases, it may sound like a soft moaning with each breath, or a very loud gurgling or snoring. While the sound may be unpleasant, the person emitting the death rattle feels no pain or discomfort.
These sounds can get VERY LOUD.
With both of my parents, by the time this breathing pattern emerged, it was a matter of hours before they passed. 12 hours or less in both cases. I strongly believe their souls have already transitioned and we're just witnessing their bodies shutting down. I found it very hard to watch this process for more than a few hours, especially with mom who had very loud hiccups wracking her body periodically as well. So I left and went home to wait for The Call, then came back to say my final goodbyes. I didn't want my last memory of either mom or dad to be them taking their final breath.
I'm sorry you're going thru this, especially alone. May God help you cope with the loss you're about to face, and give you peace of mind to know your dad is safe with Him on the other side, whole once again.
I took care of my parents too. I was a ‘daddy’s girl’ also.
Since it’s important for you to be with your dad during this time, I’m glad that you’re able to be there.
I am terrified of seeing someone that I love die in front of me.
I was the last person to see my oldest brother before he died. He died the second after I left the room. The hospice nurse called me just as I was getting ready to drive home.
I spent lots of time with mom and dad. They knew that I loved them. They didn’t expect me to be there at the end. They weren’t afraid to die. My brothers were with them at their time of death.
I really hope that I die before my husband. I don’t think that I could bear watching him draw his last breath. I never want that to be my last memory of anyone that I love.
Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult time. This is the most difficult time. It’s so very hard to say goodbye.
I am sorry you are losing your Dad. I, like you, loved my father so very much. But I can tell you that in the end he was so ready to go, and I was so relieved I never had to witness him struggle, be afraid for him again, or worry what more he must lose before he found peace.
I am so very sorry. You Dad will always be with you. I am 81, and mine certainly is with me.
I did, left the room to go to the bathroom, came back and he was dead.
Sorry to hear this, sending support your way.
This is the way a person breathes at End of Life. It almost looks like a fish out of water.
To determine if he is in pain look at his face.
If he is grimacing, if his brow is furrowed, that might indicate pain.
If his face is at ease then he is not in pain.
If you hear him making "gurgling" sounds those are secretions and you can help turn him on his side or use a swab to clear his mouth of any fluid. (Do not put the swab real far back that can cause him to gag)
While the sounds are scary to you they are not painful to him.
I am very surprised that Hospice has not told you about this.
And if you do not want to be alone with him at this time you can ask Hospice for a Vigil Volunteer. It is someone that has been specially trained to sit with someone that is either alone or sit with family and support them.
Great big warm hug!