I'm physically, financially, emotionally and mentally unable to care for my father anymore, yet he has no one else but me. What do I do?

Question

I'm physically, financially, emotionally and mentally unable to care for my father anymore, yet he has no one else but me. What do I do?

Follow

Share

My father's health has rapidly decreased in the last year (limited mobility, obesity, COPD, CHF, and severe depression). For the last 5 years, he has come to depend on me more than ever before to the point where I am managing everything in his daily life apart from dressing and manually relieving his waste. Unrelated to his condition, my own circumstances have become unmanageable due to personal reasons, and this has rendered me unfit to both care for his and my own health, income, and hygiene. I have been unemployed and out of college for 3 years now, as we share his single income of money in the form of early retirement checks. I'm very worried that it's all becoming helpless. The roles have reversed in our relationship so suddenly and I'm less capable than ever to help or even find him the necessary help to keep him alive and happy. We are below poverty level and very unhealthy both physically and mentally, so making progress in setting up a coherent plan of action is extremely difficult. I have no idea where to go or what to do from here. I am very inexperienced with life and responsibility and am constantly in a state of ashamed panic with my inaction.

I would very much appreciate and am eternally grateful for absolutely anything this community might have to advise. I'm not very tech-savvy so I apologize if I'm using this forum inappropriately. Thank you very much for reading!

Burnout Care Decisions Care Plan Family Caregiver

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

26 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

I've been a senior caregiver for 5 years now. This last year has included an Aunt who never had kids and has only 1 sister who is unable to care for her. My sister and I have worked to get her on Medicaid so she can get either paid in home care or eventually a medicaid bed in a skilled nursing facility. She wants to be home. It will be a trial. Find a social worker who can help guide you through the hoops. You need to be able to take care of yourself and make a life you are happy with. You are burned out. If he has Medicare you may be able to get some respite care where he could go to a nursing center for a period of time to give you a break. You need to contact an agency for elderly who can guide you. Best wishes. I know it's not an easy thing at all.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

seaofworries: Whomever has the substance abuse issue (you or your father), you must seek help by reaching out to local support groups. Here is one: Reformers Unanimous.com.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

When your dad gets onto Medicaid, there may be an adult daycare program available that he can be part of. That would free you up to work on improving your own situation. You can start by exercising. Get outside and move. It's amazing how many things you can think over (and sometimes solve!) while on a walk or a run. On a similar note, make sure you are getting adequate sleep. Contact AlAnon or something like it for your substance abuse issues. There are all kinds of apps available to help with anxiety, stress, depression and addiction. Research them and try them out. Dedicate time on the phone or computer every day to find and tap into social programs and ways in which to better your and your dad's life. Locate food pantries, energy assistance, food stamps. Is your dad a veteran? If so, call the VA. Look for work for yourself. If you can't find any, volunteer your help. Deliver meals on wheels. Cut grass for the elderly, whatever. Getting out of your own funk and helping people can really feel good. You didn't say what you studied in school, but contact your placement office at the college and see what they can do to get you started on the road to find work. You said that your dad is 65. He should have applied for Medicare at 64 1/2. Did he? Will he be eligible for social security soon? I know this is a lot of suggestions all at once, but just pick one thing at a time......one step in front of the other and see what happens.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I would be somewhat careful about getting government agencies involved if you are relying on your father’s income. For many years I worked at a food pantry that also had people to help navigate all the sources available. If you can find a program like that it would be a good first step. Many religious groups have such programs, the most well-known being Catholic Social Services. Look online for food pantries that are nearby and see if you can get an appointment. Normally you have to provide some proof of income and residence because each food pantry has their own service locations and income requirements. Normally you will start with someone who handles the paperwork. You can tell that person all your issues and they will set you up with someone who handles the social side of poverty. At the very least, you could get some free food. If you’re fortunate you will talk to a very knowledgeable and caring person who can lead you towards other sources of help.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This person needs to get her father help to relieve herself of the burden of trying to care for him. Needs to get on own two feet and earn enough to support self. Medicaid won't take the home if it's in his name. There are many benefits available to help and she needs help to get her life on track. You gave helpful advice but it isn't food she's looking for. It's help to care for her father. She's become overwhelmed doing it all

(3)

Report

I would suggest you start thinking about Medicaid. My mother was in a similar situation and had few assets beyond a small house. She needed to be in an assisted living facility.

We contacted a lawyer who agreed to take his fee from the sale of the house. He managed her assets, did all the legal work, charged a lot, (which came out of the sale of the house, and was well worth it. )

She is now safely cared for in an assisted living facility. She has professionals watching over her. We feel good about it all. We sold the house, the money goes to the State of Connecticut, that allows the lawyer fee and any other expenses paid from the house sale and pays the assisted living cost on Medicaid.

She was not happy with it at first but soon realized that it was indeed the best option for everyone. She is safe, doesn’t have to worry, has new friends and the children are free to have non- stressful visits.

I never thought Medicaid would work this well.

best wishes to you. I know it is a stressful situation.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I can sympathize with you. I took care of my alcoholic brother after he suffered 3 strokes. He is also mentally ill. He got kicked out of both nursing homes here, and now is living with 2 other alcoholics. He owns the home. I had POA but he fired me. The roomates steal his money, and keep him drunk and drugged up on his prescriptions. All of the stress caused me to have a nervous breakdown. There is no mental health care in the rural town I live in that takes my insurance. I am unable to function and just want to sell my house and move home to Michigan to get the healthcare I need. But I am too sick and can't find help. My brother is angry at me because I quit helping him. I have tried for 2 years to find help getting my house ready to sell, and finding something in Oakland County, MI that I can afford. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't. Take care of you 1st. It's a hard decision to make, but for your own sanity try. Maybe you can find a group home for your Dad that takes Medicaid. If he owns the house, and you live there, try to buy it from him 1st or the state will kick you out and auction it off IF he is on Medicaid. In group homes they get more personal attention. I'm not sure of your financial situation, but maybe you could rent a room to a college student for rent and some chores. I know you are overwhelmed right now. Take it one step at a time and know that one day you will have your peace of mind back.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

You must contact the local Office on Aging and the medical people. This is a sad situation but I think YOU must start taking care of YOU. I think the obvious solution is to get him placed into a facility where he can be cared for while you take care of yourself. You can apply for Medicaid if there is no money and he will be taken care of. Talk to the medical team, doctors. Also call your local and state representatives - they can often get the ball rolling with advice. They do this for their constituents. You need help - start making calls now for advice.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Hi seaofworries,

You received excellent advice from some of the members here. I read in your profile that your Dad is 65? Anyway, perhaps contact the Department of Elder Affairs in Merrit Island, FL for your Dad and perhaps they can guide you in the right direction:

http://elderaffairs.state.fl.us/

You have nothing to lose.

Wishing you and your Dad the best!
Jenna

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I cannot know what part of the system you and your Dad are currently enrolled in. Medicaid? Is there a social worker involved anywhere in the line?
If not, then it is time to call Adult Protective Services and ask for a visit. Tell them that you are BOTH in trouble now and in need of services and aid, and ask them to open a file. Tell them you cannot mentally, emotionally or physically care for your Dad, and at this point, due to your illness, for yourself.
You need some guidance in getting into the system, inadequate as it is, for whatever help is available. As you can see by the number of homeless flooding our streets, there is not always a lot of help to be had, but access what you are able to now. So sorry for your predicament.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Hi, Seaofworries:

May you get a social worker or ombudsman for assistance? Please ask his doctor how to get help as you can no longer handle this emergency situation on your own.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I would immediately dial 211. They have 24/7 advisors for any services needed and available. It is a free service. The best to both of you sweetheart.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

It sounds like you both a relatively young. I certainly feel for everything you're going through if you're just 3 years out of college. This is when you should be having the best time of your life. You definitely need a social worker. Call your doctor or his and just unload on what is going on. You need help and you keep calling until you get someone can help with you with concrete plans. You can even start with your local county or city health department. Many have social workers who can provide assistance, in home care, etc, especially since it sounds like you have a financial need. Stay strong and keep posting on here so we can give you encouragement and some advice. Wishing you all the best!

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I'm confused. Who has the substance abuse issues? If you are the person suffering from this terrible disease I urge you to get help. There are ways to get help depending on the type of substance used. If it is your dad, then does his primary care physician know about this issue? Please don't give up. Just take it day by day and the people on this forum will do their best to point you and your dad to the right resources to help. Prayer to you both.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

here is the reason substance abuse came up: Another poster said - wow are you doing a valiant (and difficult and draining) thing for such a young man! I want to repeat what is in your profile, that you father (age only 65) has substance abuse problems as well. I have to bring this to the forefront of this post because it greatly changes the advice and support people give you.

(2)

Report

First, take a deep breath, take a few. Get pencil and paper and make plan as to what next steps to take. Good advice given by many here. Step 1- Call your doctor and tell him whats going on with you. Ask for help and support. Listen to his advise. Step2- Call your Dad's doctor and tell him what's going on with your Dad. Ask for help and support. Listen to his advise, too. Step 3- Be sure to contact Social Worker (doctors will help you with this). Step4- Go to your State's Aging Care Department for more resources. Step5- (which probably should have been Step1) ask GOD to take this load from you. Step6- Take more deep breathes between steps and do something nice for yourself every day. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Step 6 Apply for Medicaid for your dad if he's unable to do it.

(0)

Report

Talk to your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling. They may prescribe an anti anxiety or anti depressant for you. They, hopefully, will be able to put you in touch with social services resources to help you out. Best wishes.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Your post is well-written. You have expressed yourself honestly and succinctly. You have admitted to your inexperience with life and responsibility, and have confessed to "ashamed panic" (an excellent choice of words) with the situation.

These are all good things! They show that you are intelligent, well-spoken and aware. And the fact that you came here for advice is an enormous step. It shows that you're not completely helpless.

If you have substance abuse issues, find an appropriate support group like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. COVID restrictions might make in-person meetings difficult or impossible, but a group leader may be able to help you by phone.

The first thing to do is to help yourself. Once you get a handle on that, you can do anything.

Have faith in yourself. All of us here have faith in you. You can turn life around. And remember that with God, anything is possible.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

These have been my thoughts, exactly.

Your post is extremely clear, well written, and shows self-awareness and that you are ready to get some help. The fog that these situations create can obliterate any mind, so any time you think that you have mental problems, think that it's not you, it's the fog.

Everybody has given you excellent advice here.
I will just add my most heartfelt encouragement to you.

(1)

Report

Ask his primary care doctor to connect you with a social worker. Does dad have medicaid? This should help with assisted living. I do not know how you have been holding on and this is definitely affecting your health. I had to find sitters for my mom because she is happier with them. She gives me a hard time and is argumentative. I had to back off a little as long as she is well cared for. She is all sweetness and smiles with her sitter. God help you. Please don't lose hope.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I have found that over the past 4 years, I have gotten into the same situation as you. My relation fell and broke her hip the other day and is now in the hospital, she also has Parkinsons, deep in Stage 4. In terrible shape physically and mentally. I asked her yesterday why she looked so much happier and is joking with all her attendants and smiling like I have not seen in years. She says to me, do you want the answer ? I said of course. At the moment she was thinking clearly, she usually does good in the mornings, but afternoon and evening that all goes South, she gets in a terrible shape. They , I think call it Sundowners. Which you would think would be after dark, but believe me it is not. Anyway, she told me in the hospital and on Monday in hip rehab people let her make her own decisions with limitations of course. I thought as her caregiver I was protecting her, as her caregiver she had me making her decisions for her because of memory issues due to Parkinsons. But I was just taking away her joy in life. So if your father is in bad shape , you need to tell a social worker that you can not do this anymore, and they will help him get on Medicaid and place him some where he will be safe .Being a caregiver to a relation ,you would think would be ideal, but it is not, it is hard to do, breaks your heart, kills your spirit, and ruins your health. Be honest and you will be relieved, happier, and so will he. If you need to talk, email me at jeffiriesmichael@yahoo.com ,

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Or perhaps she is so much happier because she's on some type of steroids for her medical conditions--steroids can give patients a huge burst of energy and improved mood. Or maybe she's on new prescription or higher dose of psychiatric drugs like antidepressants or mood stabilizers. I'm sure you weren't taking away her joy in life--she just doesn't realize she's flying on drugs in the medical environment.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

This organisation -

https://www.nbcfl.org/about

- was set up primarily to support homeless people in your region; but looking at their programs and their range of services I think they might be able to offer you good advice and suggestions about where to start. If they can't help you, perhaps they'll know who can.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Don't go around telling authorities you can't function! Wait a week--yes, a whole week! Sleep, eat, re-hydrate, no recreational substances or alcohol. It really makes a difference in your abilities to plan. You must work the benefits and aid systems to your advantage, or else you'll be destroyed by it. If you can concentrate just 1-2 hours per day, you can do this!

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

You can't change the past. You can only move forward. Don't waste time comparing yourself to others, the so-called "normal" people. You've done some things right--you've taken care of your father. You are probably more capable than you give yourself credit for. Yes, ask for help, but be super careful who you reveal information to. Be very careful getting involved with APS and the state. If your father's benefits are supporting you as well, you don't want them to suddenly pull the rug out from under you. As we should all know by now from this pandemic, the state might not be there to help you when you need it, so carefully guard what you now have. Yes, read read read and inform yourself. It's all about YOU. You have many good years ahead of you. YOUR years, YOUR life. Don't give up!

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

You could, in the meantime, educate yourself about how to access resources by going to:
how to get on.wordpress.com
There is also cheerful drawings in color you might be lifted up by.

as well as relying on the excellent advice of caregivers here.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

I agree with the writer that you should contact a Social Worker who has access to information on the wealth of resources that you can take advantage of. I would visit your doctor and ask to be connected with a social worker or even Google the words Social Worker and your town and call the contacts you get. You can do this! You're not alone!!

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

It would help me a bit if I knew who is living with who. Who rents the apartment or owns the home where the two of you reside. You have problems of income apparently. I cannot know what the financial support is for either of you. I think this is truly the work now of a licensed social worker. Whichever of you has a doctor who cares for you should now be informed that this living relationship has moved beyond your ability to function, and a licensed social worker is needed to help you negotiate what might help moving forward. So sorry for all you are going through.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

seaofworries, wow are you doing a valiant (and difficult and draining) thing for such a young man! I want to repeat what is in your profile, that you father (age only 65) has substance abuse problems as well. I have to bring this to the forefront of this post because it greatly changes the advice and support people give you.

You are not responsible for your father's happiness. You can't have his recovery for him. Help him apply for Medicaid and get him into a facility (even if he doesn't want to). This is the only real option you have, given your financial situation and his health issues. In a facility he will get all the medical help he needs, and he will be with people his own age so he'll have more socialization. You will never be able to fly on your own successfully trying to care for the both of you. You won't be able to financially support the both of you. He is dysfunctionally dependent on you and you propping him up may be enabling his addiction issues. Therefore, putting up a boundary will force him to deal with his crap. And it is crap. He won't want to do it. He won't like. He'll resist it. But this is your only option. I wish you much wisdom, success in getting him re-situated and peace in your heart that you are doing the right thing for the both of you.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Hi Geaton77, I didn't read read that Seaofworries father has substance abuse problems. I read that Seaofworries is the young man of 23 with substance abuse problems along with depression and other problems.

For Seaofworries problems to get better he must help himself first and then and only then can he help his Dad.

Please correct me if I read his profile wrong.

Jenna

(0)

Report

Depression is something most care givers struggle with at some point during their care giving years. Substance abuse issues just make that harder. I commend you for being able to see past your own challenges and realizing you are not able to provide the quality of care you want for your father and having the strength to ask for help. God bless you.

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and ask the SWs there for help. There are some free Community Medicaid programs/services just based on need and monthly income. You can also get the long term Medicaid application started. The AAA SWs can place your father in LTC pretty close to immediately if needed. Ask the SWs where you can get some help for yourself too; they know where the public resources are.

If you believe you could and want to continue providing care, call your father's PCP's nurse and request Medicare bathing assistance and evaluation for PT and OT. Ask if there are other benefits and programs to help seniors in your father's situation.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

I'm physically, financially, emotionally and mentally unable to care for my father anymore, yet he has no one else but me. What do I do?

26 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions