My husband has frontal variant Alzheimer’s diagnosed four years ago. Two years ago he had a hospital stay for viral encephalitis which took him down both physically and mentally due to brain swelling to the point that he would not be released unless he had 24/7 care. I was able to place him in assisted living first but then he wandered out and needed to be placed in their memory care unit. It was there that he began his quest for physical intimacy with other female residents, culminating in me walking in on him and another woman undressed in his bed. I moved him to another memory care unit where they are better at keeping an eye on him, but he continues on his quest, kissing, holding hands, putting his hand down women’s blouses, and squeezing rear ends of residents (and staff), and attempting to bring them to his apartment. I have tried staying away for a week, but mostly I go every day or every other day to visit or take him on outings thinking with more interaction I can change his behavior. We hold hands and kiss, but it’s harder for me to want to. Previous to his Alzheimer’s diagnosis we were living in separate homes for a year due to his emotionally and verbally abusive behavior towards me (he tried to keep me away from my family). I will not be able to care for him at home even though I know that would solve the problem. His two sons are incapable of helping out (one alcoholic, one barely independent due to autism). So I’m the responsible party, trustee, and POA financial and medical.
Because it doesn’t seem like I can control or change any of this, I’m looking for advice on how to not care what he’s doing with the women. I find myself full of anger, stress, embarrassment, hurt, and frustration to the point that I feel that I’m not treating him kindly. I’m not sleeping well. I actually asked staff if they could let him go .. stop redirecting and let him find a companion and do what he wants so I know he is content and happy. Then maybe I can disappear into the sunset at least to where I’m just doing the necessary doctor and dentist visits, etc., and not be around so much to witness his antics or be told every little detail about them, but staff feels they can’t just let him “go.” Apparently there is a family there with a mother he’s pursuing and they are NOT happy with what’s going on. So I feel that my only solution is for me to get an attitude adjustment and I don’t know how. I’ve tried so hard to just think about him as an older brother or something and it’s just not working. I have loved this man and don’t know how to flip the switch and not be hurt. It’s possible it’s just exhaustion. There is way too much caregiving in my life with my husband’s needs, autistic stepson’s needs, and babysitting grandkids etc.
Thanks for any advice and hope you all have a great day. We all deserve that.
Hypersexuality is not uncommon in dementia, and if it is causing problems (as here) and behavioral management isn’t enough, there are medical treatments (pills and patches) that diminish sexual drive or behaviors. Does he have a doctor who could investigate these?
This is a medical problem.
I am quite shocked that no one at his facility has discussed that fact with you.
It is time to speak to the doctor about the hypersexuality he is suffering due to his broken brain.
This is not the man you loved and married. His brain now, if scanned, looks like "swiss cheese" as a neurologist I recently read about his own case of Alzheimer's put it. No one is at fault here. Hopefully medications will help.
Can you cut the emotional tie, the way you would if heading for a divorce or permanent separation? You say “we were living in separate homes for a year due to his emotionally and verbally abusive behavior towards me”, so you were on the way there before he went into care. You also say “I have loved this man”, and it’s ‘have’ in the past, not the present.
Set yourself free, let the professionals deal with the problem, and walk away. It won’t make anything worse than it is now, and it will do what you ought to do for yourself. You matter too, and you know it. If you want, you can keep in touch and visit every couple of months. It doesn't need to be a bitter separation, but you really do need a separation that lets you off the hook.
Medication! I hope his doctors can recommend something that works. Of course you're going to care what he's doing with other women - he's your husband. What would help me to put it in perspective is that you were living separately due to his emotional and verbal abuse. He is your abuser. ABUSER! We owe our abusers nothing. He is not worth the agony you are experiencing now. Once abused, we need to slam our emotions into a different gear. We need to learn to think differently. Yes, you loved him, but realize that he's a jerk, was a jerk before, and getting sick does not excuse him from what he did to you before.
Because we feel sorry for them, because we loved them, we give them a pass. So they, with their sense of entitlement, keep on doing it. If husband hadn't become ill, he'd probably be abusing someone else by now. Well, actually, he is. He's a sexual predator. Yada yada yada, yeah, but he's sick. That's a fact. He's still preying on women, though, and that's a fact too.
As long as you continue to accept being the responsible party, no, you cannot "just let him go" since what he's doing is assaulting people -- and even the other residents who seem to "consent" don't know what they're doing. I'd be outraged if he were doing it to my LO and his PoA and the staff were looking the other way.
Yes, you do definitely have too much caregiving going on. You need to let go of some or all of it. You are in control of this but for some reason your guilt (or something) is imprisoning or paralyzing you. You can resign from being your husband's PoA and trustee at any time... you just have to be willing to accept what happens after that and be at peace with it.
Your autistic stepson... are you guardian for him too? If so, you can relinquish this as well. None of it will feel good but it will help you keep your sanity and health. Sometimes there are no good solutions, only "least bad" options.
This kind of behavior eventhough it's beyond his control, makes him a dangerous predator to the women who are residents in the same memory care and it has to be stopped.
Have a meeting with the care team at the memory care and give your permission for them to medicate him at their discretion to stop the hypersexual behavior.
As for you coping with it. There's nothing for you to cope with. Your husband is in memory care not home with you. Don't let yourself fixate on his behavior because you'll drive yourself crazy.
You aren't the one who needs an attitude adjustment here. Your dementia-sexual predator husband is the one who needs to be medicated to stop this behavior. It's not up to you to medicate and baby-sit him. That's the job of the memory care he's in. It's also the job of the memory care to take him to the doctor and dentist. You don't have to do that and you shouldn't.
As for the "mother" he's got his eye on at the memory care. You can't blame her family for wanting to keep her safe. He needs to be medicated immediately.
My friend, you have a right to have some contentment in your life. Stop visiting your husband in the memory care and only check up on him through staff. Or cut the visits down to once a month. Stop babysitting for your grandkids too. You raised your children already. Now it's time for them to grow up and take care of their own families.
Where's your autistic step-son's mother? Why isn't she responsible for him? You know the state will appoint a conservator over him if he needs to be taken care of so he's not your responnsibility.
Let yourself have some kind of a life. You deserve to.
First and foremost is to the point of Calligrammie's title of the post - how to help her to emotionally and mentally deal with whats going on, realizing this is her husband.
- I'm sorry you are going through this. As AlvaDeer mentioned, try to keep in mind that its his disease and broken brain that is doing this. I know that is not easy to rationalize with.
Other elements of the topic are whether to get the behavior suppressed (medically ), versus address it in other ways. That is so difficult, but I hope the OP has other people including the ML staff to think about solutions to how it may affect other women (residents, staff) in the facility etc. It would be hard to expect the OP, in the position she is in and how it affecting her, to be responsible for how to decide to treat the behavior too.
I would think safety of staff and other residents and solution to that should be ocming from ML staff and OP's husband's doctor, and care team?
No, it wouldn’t. You and staff can re-direct him but can’t change his thinking. He needs medication that can curtail the behavior.
Rely on the facility to take him for his doctor visits. Just do as little as possible.
I would definitely meet with his team to talk about what could be done about his hyper sexuality. This is not fair to the women on the floor.
Your husband needs to be in a more secure facility on strong meds because he's a danger to women. Most people are sad that meds are making their LOs dopey, but that's exactly what's needed here.
It's not his fault, but that doesn't mean that women near him should be at risk of sexual harassment and abuse. That is exactly what's happening at the moment.
Stop visiting. He's no longer the man you knew. Now it's time to take care of you.
The facility has got to step it up to do whatever to curb this behavior just as they would with any other behavior that is having a negative effect on other residents. Of course this particular behavior affects you deeply and personally. But to them, it should be like any other problematic behavior like if he were stealing food, or creating hazardous or unsanitary conditions or too much noise.
Please do not feel hurt, or responsible for his actions, it is not him, it is the disease. I had to deal with that with my father.
There are several studies examining hypersexuality in dementia, including its prevalence, contributing factors, and management strategies. These studies often involve clinical observations, surveys of caregivers or healthcare professionals, and neuroimaging to understand the brain changes associated with hypersexuality in dementia patients.
Some findings suggest that hypersexuality can occur in various stages of dementia and may be more prevalent in certain types of dementia, such as frontotemporal dementia, which affects areas of the brain responsible for impulse control and social behavior. Hypersexuality in dementia is influenced by individual factors, including personality, past behavior, and the progression of the disease.
There are meds to control it, but seriously to what end. AL/MC facilities are aware of it ad it is common. Talk with the MC administrator or the Director of nursing or both to see if/how they manage the situation and also speak with his Neuro as to develop tailored treatment if that is the route you want to take.
I would, as others did recommend you to cut down on visit.
If you are interested in specific studies on hypersexuality and Alzheimer's, dementia, take a look at academic databases like PubMed or Google Scholar, they can provide access to relevant research articles.
Best wishes.
Sandra Day o Connor quit the high court to care for her husband, whom she later placed. The husband got a “girlfriend” that she walked in on holding hands, so she just took the other one.
This was before the 2015 court decision finding that people with dementia still could have sexual consent. Since then, more homes have moved to the philosophy above.
Our OP isn't being asked to accept inappropriate behavior.
She is being asked to accept that her loved one's brain is broken utterly.
Two different things.
This is creepy!! Women are being sexually assaulted by your husband who can't help himself.