My 100 year old mom lives in Oregon with my brother. He has recently filed with the state to become her guardian and conservator. She has lived in his house for two years. My mother calls me daily saying that she is afraid of him and wants to come "home" to die with me by her side. She says she does not want to die at my brother's house. She lived in her own home nearby me here in Arizona until she was 98, when she fell and broke her arm. It was not an option for her to live with me or in a home at the that time due to covid restrictions. I wish I knew what to do. I am 73 and am not able to drive up there to pick her up and even if I could she cannot live in my home. I do not have facilities for her or a room. A nursing home would be out of the question due to costs. But if she truly thinks she is going to die in a few days, like she says, I'm not sure if getting her all the way to Arizona from Oregon would be a good idea at this point. My brother claims she's "confused" and he told her he will not drive her to Arizona. I really feel awful and don't know what I can do to help.
You won't go to his house because you fear for your safety.
And your 100 year old mother is afraid of him because she is "confused"?
Um. Is your brother the only person in the house taking care of her?
IIf your brother still won't talk to you, I think you'd better call her local APS for advice. They should be able to access all the information they need about the guardianship application, they can talk to your brother, and they can talk to your mother.
When you visited in May, what were the issues that you felt needed addressing and that your brother refused to talk about to the extent of asking you to leave?
This is not to say she's 'lying' and your brother is a saint; he may be arguing with her or some such thing and she's upset, with good reason, who knows? Is there some way you can fly to see her for a visit? That's what I'd do, w/o jumping straight into crisis mode based on her throwing a statement like this out there all of a sudden. If I had a dime for every statement my 95 y/o mother threw out there which turned out to be nothing, I'd be able to retire in Maui. I wound up having to dye my hair 2x a month instead of once based on all the things she'd conjured up over the years.
I'm sure you feel awful and helpless right now. What does your brother have to say about all this? Is he prone to anger? Does he have a history of flying off the handle and being a hothead? If not, again, your mother may be having delusions associated with dementia. Ask your brother exactly what's going on that he needs to get guardianship and conservatorship for her. Dementia can turn very ugly very quickly, especially at 100. And if she's having delusions, those can also be very ugly to witness.
Best of luck.
He also needs guardianship to be able to "force place" her in a Nursing Home, even if she doesn't want to go.
He may simply be doing the best he can in a bad situation.
I'm sorry he won't speak to you. It's good you can speak to her.
If she thinks she's "dying" in 5 days, I will again suggest that she's very confused and that something--a hearing or a placement is going to happen then.
In NJ the monthy income cap for Medicaid LTC is a little more than $2300. Anything over that limit can be put in a Miller trust to meet the cap allowed. When the person passes, that Trust reverts back to Medicaid. An elder lawyer is needed to set this up. Needs to be someone who understands Medicaid Law.
You also need to meet other criteria like spending assets down to $2000. A house and car are exempt assets until death, then they become assets Medicaid can recover the money the put out. There is more to this that an elder lawyer can explain or a good Medicaid cadeworker.
Here is some general information that might be applicable:
https://www.oregon.gov/oha/OSH/FRIENDS/Documents/DRO-Guardianship-Handbook(1).pdf
A good straight-to-the-point cooperative conversation with your brother might help give you direction as to what is 1) really going on (those with dementia can do and say whatever happens to be in their mind true or not) and 2) what is in the best interest of everyone involved.
If he won't do this, an attorney visit would possibly be the next best step. You can personally contest the GS/CS. It doesn't have to be your mother.
It may be that you need to hire a process serving company (not an attorney) that does court filings so they can mail the documents to you.
It would be a red flag if your brother did not mention your mother has a daughter, whether or not you can care for her, you are an interested party.
Oregon is known as a euthanasia state. I don't know about Arizona. Nevertheless, we all try to get our parents the basics of what they need, and safety is on that list.
If you are afraid of him, it seems to me that you (or someone else) have an obligation to get your mother to a safer place?
Some will say to call APS in Oregon, saying the elder prefers to come to Arizona and is afraid of her son.
There are many ways to get the facts without you having to do it yourself. That and your age should not stop you.
God Bless you and your Mother.
Call the court today is my advice. But don't panic, she has been living there two years-and nothing was done. This does not mean you have been negligent or failed in any way.
Do you think some kind of action is needed?
Sorry, these are just suggestions from a non-expert. I too am at a loss of what you can do.
Is it perhaps that the hearing is in 5 days?
With regard to NH costs, is she not eligible for Medicaid?
Has a Guardian ad litem been appointed for your mom as a result of the application for guardianship?
With that in mind, DOES the OP have reason to be concerned and call in the police? That will cause a world of trouble for her brother that may be unwarranted.
She does not know what is going on with the guardianship. She is not eligible for Medicaid. My brother is her temporary guardian.
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