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I’ve been my mom’s caregiver almost 5yrs, I have no help for anyone and I’m so burnt out and worried about my own health what can I do? I’ve put adds on FB for help with no luck.plz help
If your Mom is considered low income, you may want to try Medicaid for "in home" help. It will not be 24 hr care but she will get some hours to give you a break.
Actually, when she is in rehab is the best time to place her in Long-term care. There are probably places much better than u mentioned i ur profile. You can always change the Rehab if you are not happy. Rehab is a choice not mandatory, even though they don't tell u that. You can refuse it and ask for in home therapy. If you feel that your Mom is not getting the care she deserves, you can complain to the State Ombudsman.
If Mom is in rehab you ask to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If they find that she is, you can then have her directly transferred to a place of your choice. No money, you apply for Medicaid.
Yes to all of this. Get her transferred directly from rehab to a long term care facility and talk to an elder attorney about applying to Medicaid to pay for it. Don’t bring her home, she needs significant help.
Liz. I feel for you. I spent 5+ years daily (on avg 8 hrs/day - typically 1 PM - 9PM) with my mother in a "high end" nursing home to give her some quality of life. She was effectively financially trapped (due to a Life Care contract) in the facility, and subject to routine institutionalize neglect. My mom was immobile, incontinent, legally blind the last 2-3 years, and could not initiate communication, though she could hear and understand. What she and I went through at the hands of the owners and management left me with some PTSD. My mom "departed" last June. I am slowly recovering and recreating my life. I share this not to garner sympathy, but to let you know I have much insight into your predicament.
I assume there is no money for private aides or you would have enlisted them for some respite. If you haven't already, check local agencies, religious organizations, and non-profits to see if there is any organization offering respite care. Also, maybe your mother would be better off in residential care home (see https://www.aplaceformom.com/care-homes/tennessee/gainesboro) if it could be arranged.
Unfortunately, there are no easy solutions. BTW, I have 3 brothers and 3 step-siblings. None of them provided any substantial help to my mother. Not one.
Hi Liz, you either have to hire caregivers from an agency to help care give in your home(FB is not the place to try to hire someone) or you have to place her in a facility. I read you didn't like the facility she was in, perhaps you can find a better one. You can also reach out to the local hospital or her DR., or the local Agency on Aging to see if there is any other help available. Facebook or ads in the paper are not the right way to go, you want a licensed accredited agency to help you, not someone off the street that you don't know anything about.
I hope you have POA (Power of Attorney). That document will give you authority to easily remove her from rehab, even if it's AMA (Against Medical Advice). It doesn't sound like you have POA however, otherwise you would have mentioned it. For many reasons, it's a good idea for you to get POA. To draft a POA, you'll need a lawyer.
As you said, your Mom has aphasia (when she speaks, the words come out jumbled up; incomprehensible). Luckily, aphasia doesn't always mean mentally incompetent. If she's able to make her own decisions, then she can discharge herself from rehab.
Even without POA, you can bring her home if you wish. ...if you can convince the doctors that you can take care of her safely at home.
You can try to find a different rehab.
You said you need a break. Options: a. I guess your Mom doesn't have much money, otherwise you would already have hired caregivers to replace you at home years ago. b. You tried to put ads on FB. Instead, speak directly to caregiver agencies. Speak to churches, if they know of any private caregivers who'd like to be hired. Interview candidates carefully. c. Or you can completely walk away and let APS (Adult Protective Services) take over. Most likely they'll put her in a facility. And then you can visit, and not be a caregiver.
I really hope, whatever decisions you make, you can have a break. You fully deserve it.
Lizreece doesn't respond to comments, apparently. I wondered what happened with her mother? Is she still in the rehab?
Presuming she reads the comments, I'd like to ask her why she can't ask her brothers to come to give her a break? I wonder how often they have visited in the 5 years that Liz has been the mother's caregiver.
I also wonder what the mother's financial situation is. Does Liz have POA/HCPOA?
Hi Liz, I read your profile. When did your mother arrive at this rehab place? I'm hoping she's only just got there and it was just a bad first impression.
Planning to bring her home - she's more likely to get home and stay home if you work closely with her medical and care team. What have they said so far about her rehab goals?
Care.com , people post on the Next door neighborhood app looking for Caregiving work , respite care , day programs - call your Alzheimer’s association they may have some referrals .You can bring your Mother home have the primary care Doctor write her a script for in home rehab 4 times a week Medicare pays and see if a social worker can get you a CNA for bathing and light housekeeping like Laundry . VNA can send a nurse . Have your Doctor get you a social worker who can navigate the system . Meals on Wheels isn’t great depends on the menu but it helps . Good luck You can always bring your Mother home 🏠 Just make sure to immediately see her primary care doctor.
Speak to her and your Physician about your " caregiver exhaustion". Ask her physician for new " level of care assessment" for her; request a case manager/ social worker be assigned or referred to you as they can help you navigate the systems for either potential in home help ( if she is at home) and or placement options in appropriate level of care. Do not delay these steps toward helping both yourself and, ultimately your mother; because when you collapse or become too ill to care for her, neither she nor you may be able to participate in decisions. This is a safety issue for you both. Get help ! If she is at home and declined from a already diagnosed illness, perhaps it is time to call in hospice. The interdisciplinary care hospice will provide will both help at home possibly and or help you in making placement decisions.
It would help us address your needs and concerns if you gave / give us more information about your mom:
1) what are her physical and mental diagnoses 2) what are her needs now?
I do not understand why you would go on Facebook to fine a care provider, however, perhaps you have a wide range of 'friends.'
* Does your mother have a social worker? Can she get one?
Caregiver needs:
- Call a caregiver agency. There are many (costly, but if you need a day off, it is worth the expense if you/r mom can afford it). However, you need to interview and train, and supervise.
- Ask churches for referrals - ask if you can post on their bulletin board
- Create a small (index card size) ad stating your needs: If you need help getting this together, post at a college (Speak to college Employment Dept), or ask a friend to assist you. You need to be clear on what your needs are and then put in writing-sounds like you need help with this.
"Caregiver needed for xxx (specific type of needs for your mom... list 1-3):
- prepare easy meals - assist with bathing and getting dressed - laundry
* List hours per day (flexible days and hours - to be discussed)
* State: Please let me know your caregiving experience and provide references. - DO call references
* Must be reliable and dependable
* Indicate: "Hourly wage will be discussed based on experience. (put a range if you wish $15-25 per hour (I do not know the going rate in your area-you need to figure out what you are willing to pay). PUT EVERYTHING IN WRITING and have caregiver sign it (that they understand it - the duties and the payment.
CNAs are certainly better trained although this may not be necessary. It is an excellent idea though - (an/other/s suggested below).
You could (post with College employment dept)
1) Ad asking someone to help you figure out what you need and how to write and post announcements, what questions to ask... 2) Ad looking for a caregiver - state specific needs
Call local college and ask to speak to Dept Heads: nursing, geriatrics, social work, healthcare services (or any field to do with healthcare).
- Many students may need/want part-time work. (If you do not care if they have experience, and you can clearly tell them what is needed, train them, and supervise (watch them for a couple of weeks), you may get more response / interest.
- Dept chairs might be able to post / ask students in their classes. speak to the chair of these departments:
DO interview and ask questions. DO offer a lower hourly payment for a 2-week try out and then increase by $5 or something like that.
Get more than one caregiver in case primary one can't make it due to: Calls in sick Can't come due to a sick child or another client Quit without notice Is not dependable / reliable
In addition, you should ask for: - Look at their driver's license (and make a copy of it). - Ask for copy of their current car insurance. - Ensure they have current TB test (I have to do every year) - Covid test results (ask to see document) - If they are foreign born, ask for papers indicating they can work in USA (if you care).
You may want to do a criminal check (finger printing) - - - as a vetted care provider at a facility/senior community and as a massage therapist, I had to get fingerprinted / criminal background check.
Ask for personal references (not just professional). While they may not be truthful, you can ask and see what they say.
If you mom has dementia, call the appropriate association and ask for support. Call your MD office and ask for referrals depending on what disease your mom has, i.e., Alzheimer's Association.
You must take care of yourself in order to care for your mom. If you do not, she won't have you and then what? Get into therapy yourself if you an. Get support in getting the caregiver(s) you need.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Actually, when she is in rehab is the best time to place her in Long-term care. There are probably places much better than u mentioned i ur profile. You can always change the Rehab if you are not happy. Rehab is a choice not mandatory, even though they don't tell u that. You can refuse it and ask for in home therapy. If you feel that your Mom is not getting the care she deserves, you can complain to the State Ombudsman.
If Mom is in rehab you ask to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If they find that she is, you can then have her directly transferred to a place of your choice. No money, you apply for Medicaid.
I assume there is no money for private aides or you would have enlisted them for some respite. If you haven't already, check local agencies, religious organizations, and non-profits to see if there is any organization offering respite care. Also, maybe your mother would be better off in residential care home (see https://www.aplaceformom.com/care-homes/tennessee/gainesboro) if it could be arranged.
Unfortunately, there are no easy solutions. BTW, I have 3 brothers and 3 step-siblings. None of them provided any substantial help to my mother. Not one.
As you said, your Mom has aphasia (when she speaks, the words come out jumbled up; incomprehensible). Luckily, aphasia doesn't always mean mentally incompetent. If she's able to make her own decisions, then she can discharge herself from rehab.
Even without POA, you can bring her home if you wish.
...if you can convince the doctors that you can take care of her safely at home.
You can try to find a different rehab.
You said you need a break. Options:
a. I guess your Mom doesn't have much money, otherwise you would already have hired caregivers to replace you at home years ago.
b. You tried to put ads on FB. Instead, speak directly to caregiver agencies. Speak to churches, if they know of any private caregivers who'd like to be hired. Interview candidates carefully.
c. Or you can completely walk away and let APS (Adult Protective Services) take over. Most likely they'll put her in a facility. And then you can visit, and not be a caregiver.
I really hope, whatever decisions you make, you can have a break. You fully deserve it.
Presuming she reads the comments, I'd like to ask her why she can't ask her brothers to come to give her a break? I wonder how often they have visited in the 5 years that Liz has been the mother's caregiver.
I also wonder what the mother's financial situation is. Does Liz have POA/HCPOA?
Planning to bring her home - she's more likely to get home and stay home if you work closely with her medical and care team. What have they said so far about her rehab goals?
Ask her physician for new " level of care assessment" for her; request a case manager/ social worker be assigned or referred to you as they can help you navigate the systems for either potential in home help ( if she is at home) and or placement options in appropriate level of care.
Do not delay these steps toward helping both yourself and, ultimately your mother; because when you collapse or become too ill to care for her, neither she nor you may be able to participate in decisions. This is a safety issue for you both. Get help ! If she is at home and declined from a already diagnosed illness, perhaps it is time to call in hospice. The interdisciplinary care hospice will provide will both help at home possibly and or help you in making placement decisions.
1) what are her physical and mental diagnoses
2) what are her needs now?
I do not understand why you would go on Facebook to fine a care provider, however, perhaps you have a wide range of 'friends.'
* Does your mother have a social worker? Can she get one?
Caregiver needs:
- Call a caregiver agency. There are many (costly, but if you need a day off, it is worth the expense if you/r mom can afford it). However, you need to interview and train, and supervise.
- Ask churches for referrals - ask if you can post on their bulletin board
- Create a small (index card size) ad stating your needs: If you need help getting this together, post at a college (Speak to college Employment Dept), or ask a friend to assist you. You need to be clear on what your needs are and then put in writing-sounds like you need help with this.
"Caregiver needed for xxx
(specific type of needs for your mom... list 1-3):
- prepare easy meals
- assist with bathing and getting dressed
- laundry
* List hours per day (flexible days and hours - to be discussed)
* State: Please let me know your caregiving experience and provide references.
- DO call references
* Must be reliable and dependable
* Indicate: "Hourly wage will be discussed based on experience. (put a range if you wish $15-25 per hour (I do not know the going rate in your area-you need to figure out what you are willing to pay). PUT EVERYTHING IN WRITING and have caregiver sign it (that they understand it - the duties and the payment.
CNAs are certainly better trained although this may not be necessary.
It is an excellent idea though - (an/other/s suggested below).
You could (post with College employment dept)
1) Ad asking someone to help you figure out what you need and how to write and post announcements, what questions to ask...
2) Ad looking for a caregiver - state specific needs
Call local college and ask to speak to Dept Heads: nursing, geriatrics, social work, healthcare services (or any field to do with healthcare).
- Many students may need/want part-time work. (If you do not care if they have experience, and you can clearly tell them what is needed, train them, and supervise (watch them for a couple of weeks), you may get more response / interest.
- Dept chairs might be able to post / ask students in their classes.
speak to the chair of these departments:
DO interview and ask questions.
DO offer a lower hourly payment for a 2-week try out and then increase by $5 or something like that.
Get more than one caregiver in case primary one can't make it due to:
Calls in sick
Can't come due to a sick child or another client
Quit without notice
Is not dependable / reliable
In addition, you should ask for:
- Look at their driver's license (and make a copy of it).
- Ask for copy of their current car insurance.
- Ensure they have current TB test (I have to do every year)
- Covid test results (ask to see document)
- If they are foreign born, ask for papers indicating they can work in USA (if you care).
You may want to do a criminal check (finger printing) - - - as a vetted care provider at a facility/senior community and as a massage therapist, I had to get fingerprinted / criminal background check.
Ask for personal references (not just professional). While they may not be truthful, you can ask and see what they say.
If you mom has dementia, call the appropriate association and ask for support.
Call your MD office and ask for referrals depending on what disease your mom has, i.e., Alzheimer's Association.
You must take care of yourself in order to care for your mom.
If you do not, she won't have you and then what? Get into therapy yourself if you an. Get support in getting the caregiver(s) you need.
PRINT THIS OUT ... and keep it handy.
Gena / Touch Matters
See All Answers