I feel a bit guilty about my mother not having a phone, but then again I don't. Feedback?
I recently had to move my elderly mother to an assisted living facility. When we moved all of her things in, I asked her where she wanted the phone. She said she didn't think she needed one, and I was relieved.
When she was living alone in her house, she would get "robo calls" or surveys and not understand what the people wanted. In addition, she is extremely hard of hearing and trying to communicate over the phone is nearly impossible, and her short-term memory is highly compromised.
If she feels she needs to, she can make a call from the nurse's desk, as she did today.
She has a doctor's appointment 2 days from now, and called me to ask if we were still going tomorrow morning. I tried to explain where we are in days-of-the week, only to have her say she couldn't understand me. She also asked why we were going (she needs to be established with a doctor closer to her new residence) and I was unable to get her to understand that either.
Yesterday, when I visited, she said, 4 times, "tomorrow is Christmas." Each time I corrected her that the holiday is a week away, but it didn't seem to stick with her.
So I'm sure some may think I've isolated her by her not having a phone, it's a bit of a relief to not get phone calls from her when she doesn't remember what was said and can't hear.
Am I terrible for being relieved that she can't call me for every little thing and that she needs to use the facility phone?
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Your mother finds it difficult to use the phone. Using a new phone of her own would be a waking nightmare for her. When she uses the facility phone, there is assistance right there if she needs it.
If keeping track of appointments worries her you might like to get her a good, clear calendar and ask her helpers to write everything down that she needs to know. You can probably get one that has TODAY marked with a slidable tab to help her stay oriented.
Does she use the facility phone? Or rather has she used it since she has been there?
It sounds like it would be very frustrating for her trying to use the phone based on her current limitations.
Although the younger generation would never believe it today, humans did just fine without phones. I’m assuming she interacts with people face to face where she is rather than over a phone.
If there are those she misses talking to perhaps you can bring your cell phone and make a prearranged call as a special treat for her. If it’s a success you can do that often. If it’s too difficult discontinue.
I have also given her a paper calendar, and wrote "Doctor" on the day we are to go.
And...I wrote a large reminder note on 8½ x 11 paper and taped it to the inside of her door, so she sees it least 3 times a day when she goes for meals.
Before i moved her, there were several times when she called at night, thinking it was morning, or vice versa. And after the conversation today, my voice is actually a bit hoarse from trying to be heard (to be addressed at the doctor).
Just wanted others who have faced the same to reassure me that for her, not having a phone is best.
My dad's AL facility has doctors that will take on residents as patients. They come there to see them every 6 weeks. Does your mom's ALF have that too? It’s been wonderful as they can order labs, prescriptions etc and I don’t have to transport him.
My question is just how workable are these van services? My mother takes forever to walk anywhere, needs to have the elevator door held open or she panics, can get turned around sometimes and not know the way out, etc. If the van takes them, are they just dropped off and expected to be totally self-sufficient beyond that?
(I'm sure my mother would expect me to still be her taxi service if she were in an AL; would consider herself too good to take the van. My thought would be that she is PAYING for that service, and should therefore utilize it. Besides, she doesn't allow me in the back for medical appointments, anyway. But I'm sure there would be a temper tantrum -- in her case, a crying/shaking fit -- because in her mind I OWE her.)
The phone is another good point. I don't want my mother to be calling me all the time with complaints/demands/etc.
My mother lives on her own and never needs help but I leave my phone turned off for weeks at a time because she leaves messages in a hysterical tone of voice that upsets me for days.
In high school I had phone phobia and didn't use the phone for two years. It never went away entirely and is getting worse with her calls. To me phones are like bombs that could explode at any minute.
Your mother grew up without a phone and it sounds like you found a way to minimize interruptions into your daily life. At least she can call you by using the facility phone. Maybe she forgets "why" by the time she reaches the phone.
Stress is a killer.
She doesn't need a phone, it will not make her life better and will make YOURS a living h#ll. You have my permission to not give her a phone. Let her make calls from the nurse's station or the front desk or wherever, but TELL them no more than one a day if that. It will give her something to do, walk down and cal you and speak some nonsense, but you can put limits on it.
was removed. He was well taken care of and had assistance
if it was really necessary to call. Calling my sil many times a
day to ask where his car was really was difficult.
mom calls with several issues/questions, +/-10x each within 1-3 days - forgetting that we've already discussed [within those 1-3 days]
this disease is boggling my mind with its cruelty - removing dignity from afflicted person - and - baffling baby-boomer caregivers
Though it is certainly true that loneliness and isolation are no good for anybody's mental health.
Fortunately, this lady has lots of nice people around her who can help her use the telephone as needed, and can chat to her the rest of the time.
My mother cannot use her phone, no matter who has "set it up" for her, or how easy it is to use... The "swipe" thing--she can't do it. She almost never answers it, unless she's expecting a call from a drs' office. I've had the same number for 39 years and she never remembered it. The skill to use the phone is just over her head now, and you cannot understand her when she does pick up. She'll get rid of it on her own, eventually. Robo-calls and such were making her nervous and upset, as she doesn't understand what they want.
OCC isn't being mean, she's helping. No need for guilt.
He can still call her now, but his time is limited. Has to call the care home. He tried calling and keeping her on the phone for hours. They nipped that in the bud. He and his wife haven't spoken to me since. Oh well.
There are several family members who call regularly. She forgets it 5 minutes after they call, though.
I felt guilty for quite a while, but not anymore. Took time to adjust. It will be OK!
In the ALF she had her cell phone and a land line. I now have the cell phone (cancelled that service), and the land line she used for all of 17 minutes last month. I think she is losing the ability to call out on it, very often she has the nurses call from the front desk because she is having trouble with the phone. . . or lost her key and could not remember what to ask the front desk person on how to get into her apartment.
She does still answer the phone if she is in the apartment when it rings. I made a phone list with the top 10 people that she used to talk with on the phone, but she misplaces that all the time also.
CTTN55, at my mom's ALF, they do transport, but don't go into the exam room, they expect that whoever has medical POA to be with her at the actual appointment. They do have a RPN who can see the residents, order tests and medication, they do the blood work there, and even call in a portable x-ray when needed. It has saved me several trips to the ER, and to the lab first thing in the AM for fasting bloodwork.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.