My Dad has mild to moderate cognitive memory issues…still lives at home alone with a lot of assistance from me and I have three volunteers that visit to help with medication reminders during the week. His days are usually spent in front of the TV which saddens me as he was a very active member of his community. Me and my family are planning to move from NY to SC. We’ve looked into Assisted living for Dad and found a couple close to where we would be that has levels of care and memory care. Dad really wants to stay in his apartment where he’s lived for over 60 years but he actually should be in assisted living as his quality of life would greatly improve. Plus AL in SC is more affordable.
wondering what the best way to make the move would be….
having him live with us first and then move him to AL or move him directly to AL. Moving him to AL may be tricky since we will be moving as well…I just can’t wrap my head around what the logistics would be. Also…how best to ease him into the reality of the move as he thinks we can leave him behind and he’d be just fine.
Will we were waiting for step parents furniture to arrive from AZ to Fl, the home lent us some furniture to use for a few weeks so they moved directly in upon arrival. Went very smoothly!
Just takes some planning.
If it's possible to hire out as much help with packing, culling out the 'junk'-so the actual move is smoother.
How cognizant of things is your dad? Could he go through his own things and with help, pack his place? Can the CG's who come in take that project on? I think the hardest part of this will be trying to pack up 2 households.
My MIL's A:F would lend her furniture if that were needed. It's not, but it would be helpful to have a bed, table, recliner & TV in the ALF before you move in all his stuff. Treat that part of the move like he's staying at a long term hotel. After you get yourself settled--you can do dad's place.
I sure wish you luck--this sounds very challenging!
Once in AL he will need some time to acclimate, where you are not calling or visiting him extensively.
If he does happen to remember what you said, you can tell him he can leave when he can demonstrate his ADLs to his doctor and then the doctor allows him to leave. This way you are not to blame and not the object of his anger.
Is he on any meds for depression/anxiety/agitation? If you think he made need this I would work on this before the move. It is very very common for elders to need meds for this, since dementia robs them of their ability to use logic, reason, memory and judgment and therefore they are not able to bring themselves to a place of mental and emotional acceptance or peace. They need help with this going forward.
right now he thinks because he’s mobile, gets up, gets dressed, and can eat on his own that he is independent and has his ADLs in order. When I bring up how I do everything else, how I have cameras that help me keep track of him, how he has volunteers that help bring meals and medication reminders, that he doesn’t shower unless reminded , etc… he just has a blank stair and says but I’m here and am fine.
He has a wellness check coming up so I’ll definitely ask the dr about meds to help ease the transition. I may need some myself LOL. The stress this is causing me is immense. Since Dad doesn’t remember and is not dealing with purging his apartment I feel like the stress of moving doesn’t linger with him.
You will see, if you have spent any time here at all, that taking a senior into your home, unless that is your permanent intention, seldom works.
And that I can see, you do not yet have your father's permission on any of this. You moving may not mean to him that he goes into care in a unknown place to him. So I would start with his understanding, after taking some virtual tours of the planned living facility, that he will make this move.
I wish you luck. Hope you'll update us on this interesting dilemma.
It might depend on how strongly D will object to the move to AL. If he will be sorry but compliant, do him first. If he will fight tooth and nail, move yourselves first and run down the support he is getting now. This may make his real ‘dependence’ clearer, and the move to AL more of a relief to him. There is also a possible ‘middle step’ for D, namely he goes into a hotel at the time you move, at your new ‘home’ town. You focus on your move, then have the time and energy to shift him from the hotel to AL. A lot depends on the detail, but you can think through how the different moves will work for you.
YOU and your family move first. Settle in then go help dad pack up and move him in to a PRE SELECTED AL or MC facility.
With the help that he has he should be alright for a week or two.
The other option and maybe the better one would be to move him first into the Pre Selected facility. Get him settled and then go back and move yourself. If any items are left in his house they can be packed up and put in storage in SC. That way you can go through items when you are settled in. Chances are you are going to have to go back to deal with his house anyway.
Why do you feel you need to move him at the same time you are making this big move? If he is happy and comfortable in his own apartment, where he has friends, I would leave him there for now, with people to check on him and help him out, as he has now. When the time comes that he declines and can no longer live on his own, you can then move him to an assisted living, or nursing home.
Hopefully you will have settled in to your new home by then and be ready to address his move.
It's wonderful that you have volunteers to check on your Dad, but you may want to consider hiring trained caregivers, or professional attendant care providers.
If he can not afford that, help him apply for medicaid assistance to pay for a home caregiver.
He's happy where he is. It would be so disruptive and upsetting for him to move. Things could change after you move away, and he finds he wishes to be closer to you. Focus your energy on getting your family moved right now. That is enough work without adding the complicated logistics of moving your dad.
I assure you, he's not going to go easily, and will add so much stress to your life! He will stubbornly argue, fight you on every decision, and express his displeasure, so that you know he is upset.
I appreciate that you care about your dad and want to take care of him, but take care of yourself first.
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