Mom’s health is declining, impacting her mobility, vision, memory, and general well-being. There is not much she can do for herself as she has taken several falls which took her already crippled back in the wrong direction. My husband and I retired in the last 5 years. I lost my only sibling 6 years ago and mom’s family are also gone. She is the last one standing, well, lying, in bed a lot at the time now. Due to physical pain and limitations, her only outings are to medical apts and an occasional ride to the beach or sitting in the car while I shop for her. She is tired and I am tired. We have a caregiver who comes in 2 mornings a week, and it feels like jail break on those days. I would like to know what the best situation for us would be at this time. Because of my feelings of responsibility and loving my mom, I feel guilty about the idea of her residing somewhere else. At the same time, my husband and I are deferring our retirement dreams, in part due to mom. I never thought about her living well into her 90’s, with lots of wear and tear but no major terminal condition. Just a slow and steady chipping away of her life force….and ability to take care of her needs and joys of daily living. I’m wondering if her primary care doc could help with an assessment of her needs and where to get those met? Has anyone had an outstanding good experience with a geriatric care assessment by a geriatric care manager? Or do I leave well enough alone? Any input, would be so appreciated. Thanks!
I can't see how it could possibly do anybody or anybody's feelings any harm at all to go and have a look at what's available locally. Have you started any research into facilities or communities or residential care homes near you?
It might be, you never know, that you will stumble across a place that seems to fit your mother to a T. In which case, rather than starting out feeling hang-dog about it, you and she will be looking forward to a positive change *before* it's really too late for her to adjust.
But you know her best. Has she said anything about how she feels about her declining abilities, and how they affect her living in her current home, and impact on you and your husband?
While I'm not able to advise you about what your priorities should be, your post does suggest that you're feeling at least a little burnt out, but wanting to avoid feeling guilty -- both of which are pretty common feelings, if not nearly universal for caregivers. To answer your question about whether you should "leave well enough alone," it doesn't sound like things are really "well enough" to leave alone. So, I recommend getting the elder care assessment for your mom before things get worse, as they almost certainly will. I think that assessment will increase your awareness of your situation and its likely progression and thus, will help you start investigating and planning options. Best wishes to all of you.
1 - Respite care. Use mom's finances - or yours - to pay for mom to be cared for 24/7 for a short period of time. She can either be cared for at home or in a residential facility. You and your hubby can have some time to travel or fulfill some of those retirement dreams.
2 - Move mom from your home into a residential facility. Seems your mom may need "total care" since she can not move enough to eat meals in the dining room of an assisted living facility. Research facilities in your area and compare prices and services. Then, you can move into fulfilling more of your dreams while visiting mom regularly.
3 - Enroll your mom into an adult day program. She would be cared for by others in either a personal care home or residential facility Monday through Friday during the day. This would give you more "time off" from caregiving during the daytime to do other things.
Whichever options you decide to use, know that having others care for your mom is more expensive than caring for her yourself. Consider that the price is and investment into nurturing yourselves and your relationship, not money down the drain.
I understand caregiving is a lot but if you're asking what would be best for your mom, the answer is staying where she is.
What you need is yo hire more Caregiver help so you are able to enjoy your retirement.
You and your husband should plan a vacation and hire 24 7 Care for mom while you're gone.
If your Dad was in the Military, they you can check and get up to 30 hrs a week free Caregiver help.
Im not Keen on Nursing Homes because they are all understaffed and not a nice and loving invirment to live in.
Please consider hiring more help to give you and husband much needed time off and keep mom at home with you.
Ots of accidents happen in Nursing Homes and Way too much medications given to patients they say to calm.them or keep them from being depressed, ect when all it's given fir is to.maje it easier on the Employees and make the patients zombie like giving them no trouble.
Perhaps you could explore adult daycare a couple of days a week. See if any local service clubs might be visiting, Covid carefully, shut-ins like Pet visits, reading, singing, etc. or just talking. Anything to give her something to look forward too.
Love comes in many shapes and forms. Those telling you to keep her at home b/c 'that's the only place she will feel loved' do not know what they're talking about and are playing the guilt card on you HARD. My mother knows darn well that I love her and have been doing tons of things for her for my entire life! There should be no 'guilt' whatsoever in taking your OWN needs into account now b/c it's not JUST your mother's life that's important here! Why does an elders' life matter more than yours? It doesn't. Yet we're supposed to feel 'guilty' or told to feel guilty by others if we dare to take our own lives into consideration! What's wrong with that picture? You're allowed to be tired & your mother is allowed to be old & in need of more care than you're capable of providing.
Hire a geriatric care doctor for your mother & get her evaluated right away. Allow common sense to prevail instead of emotions & a useless sense of guilt, and take things one step at a time. Once you figure out which type of elder care community your mom belongs in, go visit a few of them to find one that feels good to YOU.
Wishing you the best of luck.