I am really in a situation and I am not sure what to do. My mom is an independent 60 year old woman, but four years ago she decided she did not want to work anymore (because work was too stressful to her) and since my sister and I have a great career that she would stay with us. She never asked us she just said she deserved it. Since I got married in 2017 and lived with my husband, I shrugged her off because we were in our honeymoon stage so she stayed with my sister. They then moved 5 states away. I got pregnant in 2019 and then all of the sudden my mom appears saying " I am here to help take care of my grand child." Since she doesn't work, she gets money from my sister and then she started staying with me for a few months, she demanded I pay her. I would pay her 600 a month but then she started to make demands like " I deserve to sleep in the master bedroom." "you need to build a fence" "You need to create accent walls and put hardwood flooring in the rooms". She wanted me to spend money and give her money. Then she started picking on my husband, I put my foot down but she blamed me for being mean and told me I owe her. I literally told her multiple times, I can't take care of her, pay her, pay my mortgage and my kids bills and I just had a second kid. So being nice, my husband and I decided if we move closer to her, she can just come and visit from my sister house. But now she's adamant to have her own room at my house and complain she doesn't want to live with my sister anymore because my sister invited my dad (my parents still married) to move in permanently with her. (my sister is single, so she loves the company). My mom says she's going to get a job but makes excuses that she wants to take care of her grandchildren. When I am capable of taking care of my kids myself. I feel bad, because my kids are her only grandkids but she is so stressful. She brings drama with my dad and she wants to run my life. Everything I do at home is wrong "How I cook. How I clean? How I raise my kids". I love my mom but honestly it's like she wants the life of luxury but not wanting to work for it. She wants to drive expensive cars (she buys it but can't pay for it), she wants to go to 5 star hotels only, she wants me to spend 1000$$ on making my house look lavish so she can brag to her other family and gets mad when I don't. And lets not forget her Gambling habit. I gave her $1000's in her gambling habit.
Sorry for the long post. I want to gently tell her that I can't live with her but she has this image in her head that this is how her life is going to be and my husband and I need to accept it.
You don't say a lot about your parents' relationship-only that they are still married but living apart. But it doesn't sound like they are very involved in a relationship with each other. I saw that a lot with my ILs. MIL, once my DH and SIL were out of the house, did her absolute level best to avoid my narcissistic FIL at all cost. She was only around him if she had to be. When MIL passed away a number of years ago, FIL's narcissistic behavior went into overdrive. And he zeroed in on his kids - who up until that point had been some what sheltered from him for a number of years except for the occasional visit.
For what it is worth, my dh and his sister literally have a mental block on a lot of their childhood - with a very strong lock on it. We pick at threads a lot and discover things periodically. But at the crux is that he spent YEARS basically grooming them to never tell him no. To be afraid to upset him, to fear him. To worry more about making him yell and making him angry than what other people would consider far more serious reactions. I think most people in 'normal' relationships with their parents don't want to disappoint or upset their parents. But this goes way beyond that. It's almost pathological - the need to please him. And there is never the corresponding positive feedback response that should come with pleasing him. No thank you. No "I'm proud of you". It is expected behavior.
He yells, screams, belittles, calls names, never praises, everything is all about him all of the time.
You have children. I'm going to gently suggest that you really take a good look at her behavior. We were lucky in some ways in regards to our children. They were sheltered from a lot of this behavior because MIL had a tight rein on FIL when the grands were younger. When she passed, his true self came out. And I will tell you that every single one of the grands have walked away from him and will not have anything to do with him. They call him toxic.
You mention that there are fun times, and then it gets hard. And that this is a yo-yo situation. Honestly, we've seen that with FIL too. Showtime - when he is on - he can put up a good front. But he is 27 years older than your mother. As the years go by, it gets harder and harder for him to keep up the front. We see way less of the good times and a lot more of the angry, frustrated, unhappy side.
If I'm wrong here, I'm wrong. But if I'm right, you need to give serious consideration to your living situation and get it under control soon. Your sister is ok with both of them living with her. Maybe not the best idea either, but it is an option that works and she is ok with. Your mom isn't perhaps because all of the attention isn't focused on her? But you have a full plate and have expressed that you don't have the bandwidth.
I honestly don't understand why your mom needs care. I haven't seen where she has dementia or any reason she needs physical care. Just that she doesn't want to work anymore and expects you to provide her care. My SIL is almost 60 and is providing full time care for my FIL!! Your mother is not old!! VERY far from it. My mother is a good number of years older than your mother and providing care for my grandmother! It sounds to me as if your mother is taking advantage!
Is there something cultural we are missing? What is the key that we are missing to unlock this puzzle?
I am now wondering if your story can be rescripted?
It was 'how do I explain to my Mother' etc which opened a chapter on how hard it is to say no to Mom.
There are big issues here to why your Mother is not thriving in an adult independent way.
1. unfinished divorce
2. no stable address
3. lost purpose
These are huge barriers.
The story could now turn to how you & sister help Mother overcome those barriers.
To find a good lawyer so she can finalise the divorce. Once she is freed & has her finances sorted out, then she can take steps towards a new home - for herself. A new purpose may take a while to discover. No longer a wife she will need to redefine herself. She choose to leave the workforce & be a Grandmother. But the reality of her situation may be she will need to work part-time. It would be good anyway: socially, mentally, financially & help her adjust to a new area.
Mother has been in transition staying with you & sister. But hopefully she can restart her story & it becomes a tale of a fresh start.
Like a butterfly 🦋
In any event, take actions as recommended below.
Best to you all.
She told your sister SHE had to foot the bill for the divorce?
Such a load of cr@p.
You ALL need to understand that your mom is playing you.
my dad should take responsibility since they are still married but he says his kids need to take care of her. Even though he’s the 20th time cheater in the relationship and doesn’t want to pay her a cent. It’s very messy. I’m not sure why my sister wants them all to live in harmony. She says they to old to be fighting.
If you truly want to improve your situation, first and foremost, you have to rethink and change your relationship with your mother.
Right now, you think and behave as:
a frightened little girl
who is afraid of her mother's disapproval, and
that her mother will be mad at her, so
she'd better tiptoe around her mother and be gentle, and
puts up with whatever and however outrageous mother's demands are
You need to change the above to:
I am an adult deserving of respect from anyone including my mother.
I am a mother who needs to protect my child.
I am a wife who needs to put my man first.
My first priority is to protect myself, my family and marriage.
I will do whatever is needed to carry out my first priority.
I have the courage to withstand anyone's disapproval or push back.
How do you change from A to B? That depends how badly you want the change. If you want it badly enough, you will take the many good advice that others have offered you. And I really hope you do before YOU allow your mother to destroy you, your family and your marriage.
You said it all by saying that it is better to be motherless!
.Maybe an independent living apt? Don’t ask her..:tell her! Set up appointment to tour...it will only get worse as she sounds jealous of any happiness you have & wants to destroy it. Good luck & hugs 🤗
🐘
Or the elephant in the room, Mom actually wants to leave Dad & is running away. To live with daughters to avoid actualyl officially leaving her marriage?
I apologize in advance if way way off here!
But if right... Time for a heart to heart with Mom. She needs to take responsibility for herself regarding her marriage. Go or stay. But not running away or denial.
there is a lot of crazy stuff going on in the background with my family so I was trying to shorten it.
No one has to put up with what you're putting up with regardless of what age someone is.
Would mom have jumped through hoops or even mildly tolerated this kind of entitled behavior and unreasonable demands from you and your sister when you were kids? My guess is OH, HELL NO!
My guess is she would have had you and your packed bags pushed out the door on your 18th birthday if you even attempted behavior like this with her.
Don't tolerate it from her either. Stop enabling her freeloading and allowing her to treat you and your home with such blatant disregard. You don't need her to watch your kids if it means you are now beholden to her in some way. She expects pay to babysit? You can pay someone else to do that, and let her know this. Throw her out. Let her know that she gets 30 days (one month) to find another living arrangement or you will start the legal eviction process. You or your young family do not need this burden in your life from a 60 year old. She's too young to start playing that card with her adult children.
Then talk to your father. Since they are still legally married, he has some responsibility for her.
DO NOT allow her to emotionally blackmail you regarding your children. Oh, no! That would be a low blow.
So if she threatens you with that she will no longer be able to see the kids because you are keeping them from her, tell her straight out that you are not falling for that nonsense!
None of this is likely to happen, not even remotely likely. Your mother has it organised the way she likes it, and why should she want to change? If you force it, she will be hurt, angry, then repentant …..and then back to the beginning again.
You have no options besides:
1) Giving away the next 30 years and probably your marriage too. Or
2) Force her to go ASAP (I wouldn’t wait til June, too much can happen in the meantime, including fake injuries). Put up with the hurt, anger, blah blah blah. You know it’s going to happen, so toughen up in advance.
Remove all her stuff from your house, and just wait until things calm down and she can see the grandchildren with more reasonable expectations. When she is living somewhere else, things WILL change. Living with Sis is not a good answer, because it isn’t permanent, and your mother needs a new HOME.
You are stressed out and I don’t wish to add to your stress.
I respect everyone as a human being, including your mom even though she has lost touch with reality. I do not respect her character.
You are extremely kind. As a matter of fact, too kind!
Your mom sees your kindness for weakness and clearly has used this for an opportunity to take advantage of you.
I agree with all of the other posters on your thread. Mom has got to go! Pronto! Give her a cut off time and make it short! Very short!!!
Please listen to Barb about not caring if she gets mad. She is going to get her feathers ruffled! So what! It can’t be helped.
Why on earth does she feel that you owe her? It was her responsibility to raise you after giving birth to you.
A more important question is, ‘Why do YOU feel as if you have had to accept her into YOUR home?’
She isn’t old and isn’t sick. She may have some good qualities but overall she is lazy, feels entitled, is an interfering mom and looking for a free ride.
You deserve better than the treatment she gives you.
Who do you know that hasn’t had stress on their job at some point in time? That’s part of life. I figured that out with my very first job!
Please don’t enable her any longer. You aren’t helping her and you are prolonging your agony.
Everyone who posted on your page wants the best for you, your husband and children.
You know what is best. You’re smart. You just don’t want to hear her flack. Trust me, I understand. The circumstances are entirely different but I gave into my mom when I didn’t want to hear flack back from her. Guess what? I paid too big of a price for it.
So let me give you an important piece of advice, like someone very close to me once said. “Pay now or pay later. If you pay later, you will pay a much higher price!” Oh, if I had only listened to that wise person years ago, I would have saved myself and others years of misery!
So, pay the very small price of hearing her complain now OR pay the bigger price of being utterly miserable for who knows how long if you keep her in your home, because she will not voluntarily leave on her own.
Wishing you all the best. Come back soon with an update about you telling her to leave. Cry on our shoulders when she hurts your feelings but also remember that we will be here to comfort you.
Take care.
Just be aware of traps on the path.
1. Time trap: June will never come. Stalls, delays, job fell through, oops I have a health crises & now I will sit like a queen on my throne (in your house).
2. Sibling trap "I've had enough so YOU have to take her now". Nope. Your refusal does not equal sister's acceptance & vice versa. Each sibling decides for themself.
3. Emotional trap "If you loved me..." Do not fall for that faff. I loved my Grandmothers very very much. I did not need to live with them 24/7 to prove it.
4. The Doll House trap: where Mother lives in her own little home but is just playing house. You & sis are have taken on all the responsibly (bills, maintenence, groceries).
If Mother really isn't capable of independence, be through cognitive issues, physical needs, mental health or even personality then AL is a good option for her. Be warned that needy folk can still be needy wherever they are!
Good luck ☺️ (& get yourself a copy of that Boundaries book before June).
she gets on his nerve, thanks to covid he can hid in his office/man cave all day and never have to interact with her until later in the evening. I on the other hand, have to entertain her or speak with her all day.
I will talk to her because I do think she is a great grandma but I do need my space. And she knows I try really hard not to sound rude but I really just want space. So I will give her a time line and I will tell my sister she needs to figure out her situation with our parents because she knows they are not on good terms and my dad works and has his own place and I feel he’s just wanting to move in to start drama( they have a long history of A horrible marriage but won’t divorce).
I will give her until June and hopefully she can either find a part time job or move back with my sister.
Not the best outcome for mom, but really that's the only card she has left to play. At 60 no one is going to hire her for real employment that she can provide for herself with.
That's not gonna happen.
Dad has to take that responsibility on now or divorce her. In which case the court will force the responsibility of mom on him if she can't take care of herself. Better he gets to choose it rather than have a judge order it.
He took the vow of 'for better or worse' with mom. So let him take over dealing with the 'worse' now.
Narcissists are tough...
You can try to get her out again, but you and hubby need to tag team her and support each other when she boomerangs back. Maybe not talk with her about it AT ALL unless you're both there?
I really would suggest that you talk this through with a counselor/therapist, who will be able to help you to be more comfortable with your mom's anger and disapproval. You don't want to go on like this, do you? They can work with you so you can identify when she tries to manipulate you and how to best handle it. Hopefully she can move forward into a more mutually respectful relationship with you. You can only be responsible for your own actions, not hers. You sound like a nice person--If she chooses to be a jerk when you put your foot down then that's on her, and her loss. Your mom will know how to push your buttons, which is why a counselor is so helpful--the third party voice of reason that tells you, ''No, you're not wrong to see or do things this way, you're absolutely right!''
You can do it!
The mom wants to maintain the status quo because she's selfish and lazy, but finds herself living the easy, good life. There is no way she's going to give that up her sweet situation willingly because some therapist makes her see the light.
The only way she's going to go is if she is forced to go.
They will have to legally evict her from their home.
So she gets mad. So what?
What is the downside to her being angry?
Your mother very effectively manipulating you. Would you like some help in managing this situation?
There is a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. It is a great place to start.
Sweetheart, your mother DOES understand. She understands that you are defying her. Gently or downright brutally, in whatever way you try to tell her that you are not going to sacrifice everything you have to her wants and whims, she is going to be mad and she is going to try to hurt and frighten you. As far as she's concerned, your choice is between eager obedience or death-to-her.
Fortunately, she is not the world's only decision-maker; and although she can hurt you emotionally and frighten you in various ways, you are not helpless and you can defend yourself very effectively without hurting her back. The fact that she doesn't recognise the myriad alternative choices available to you does not make those choices any less possible. But boy! - do you have a way to go.
Has anyone ever talked about boundaries to you?
What exactly do you love about your mother? It's certainly a tribute to your worth as a daughter that you do love her, despite everything.
Going only on what you've said, and of course not knowing the lady, I have to say that she sounds as mad as a hatter.
Have you consulted your other, involved and less involved family members about this?
my sister wants her to live with her permanently and I don’t. But she wants to stay with me more cause I have her grandkids. Even if we are only five miles away.
You are a grown woman, with a husband and children, and a life of your own. You must now act like the adult and put mom in her place and quit allowing her to run your life. I'm shocked your husband has put up with it this long. I can't imagine he will much longer though. You MUST put your husband and children first, and tell your mom that you're taking your life back, and that it doesn't include her living with you. She's going to have to figure out how to live her life on her own or with your dad, and with no financial help from you or your sister. She's only 60 years old, for crying out loud. That is young by today's standards. You best nip this nonsense now, as she could live for another 40 years, and surely you don't want to deal with this for that many more years do you? Only you can make the changes necessary in this dysfunctional situation, and I hope for your husband and children's sake you will. Best wishes.
"My mother is living with us and craps on the floor and screams at my whole family. My kids have to sleep outside because she runs the house. We give her our paychecks every week. She insists on driving and wrecked our car. My husband is miserable. She yells how much she hates us. She won't go to a doctor. She eats all our food. She hates our pets. She's making our lives hell and we're going broke. I'm so miserable and tired, please help!!!"
People reply with solutions, such as placement, hiring help, therapy, having a sit-down talk, setting boundaries.
And 9 times out of 10?: "Oh, I just can't place her in a home or assisted living. I'd feel sooo guilty and it would make her mad! She might yell or hate me. I don't really need help. We just need to keep prayed up! Maybe later we'll think about it. I don't want to upset her. I don't know. We'll just keep suffering. Thanks everyone!"
She says you owe her? Haha. She owes YOU to not drain your family (and money) dry. She's the boss right now and she knows it.
Telling her she "can't live here forever" is too soft an approach. You will have to give a firm date. No matter how you phrase it, telling her she must leave won't go over well.
She is bossy and manipulative. Once she sees this is for real, she will start what I call the 'sweet old lady act'. She's just a sweet, sad, helpless little old lady who only wants to help! And oh, what a hard life she's had, because she had to raise children. You owe her everything for such a horrible burden! Millions of people have raised children, but surely she had the worst time of it in all history of motherhood.
Be ready for whatever she throws at you. Do not argue, do not debate, do not work out some kind of deal. She'll go to any length to guilt trip and make you feel like dirt. You can't give in if you want to save your own family.
Why on earth do you think you should be gentle to someone with no boundaries who is attempting to run and ruin your life and your marriage?
"Mom, you will have to make arrangements to live elsewhere starting June 1. No, I will not discuss this. Crying and screaming will not change my mind".
She needs to be evicted immediately.
The gravy train needs to dry up at once.
Not one thin dime will mother be receiving from you, ever again, for anything.
I am 63 years old myself. The very THOUGHT of doing to my children what your mother is doing to her children leaves me nauseous. It's wrong at every single level.
The time for being 'gentle' with mother has long passed. In fact, you are doing her a disservice by pandering to her this way. It's time mommy stand on her own two feet now & suck it up, like the rest of the adults in the world, get a job, make money, and use it as she sees fit without expecting her children to finance her life!
Wishing you the best of luck evicting your mother & taking your life back! You deserve it, she deserves no more of your kindness.
You do not give her one cent more. Tell her that, too.
You do not explain. You have done that already. That has gotten you nowhere.
She will be angry. You will live through it, and come out the other side.
Save your marriage and your sanity.
Do it now, or you will do it down the road, when it will have gotten worse.
Your choice.
BUT, should you decide to "try", here is my advice.
Once you let someone into your home it is a good deal more difficult to remove them. I surely do wish you luck. And I would forget about "gently" with this woman; clearly THAT won't work. She steamrolls "gently" just for fun. You and your husband need to sit down, decide how much time you will give her to arrange other living conditions, and then TELL HER. Tell her at the beginning that it isn't open to argument or discussion, and that you understand she will be very unhappy about your decision, but that your decision will NOT change.
You may have to ultimately evict her from your home. But that would be the "kind" thing; I myself would use a forklift.
Wishing you luck.
You are not wrong to set boundries. I hate the word "owe". Your Mom and Dad chose to have children. They chose to sacrifice. Once you turned 18, they owed you nothing and you owed them nothing but to be the best person you can be. If you chose to care for them in anyway, thats your choice. Not everyones childhood is fine and dandy so there are some parents we need to walk away from.
Your Mom has made a choice to stop working which will effect her Social Security which she can start getting 75% of when she is 62. Medicare at 65. Till then she is Dads responsibility. You need to set those Boundries. As its said alot on this forum "No" is a complete sentence. "Sorry Mom I love you, but you cannot come live at my house. It just doesn't work. You take over like it is your home but its not its ours. My home Mom. My rules. And I cannot afford to give you any more money. You get it out of Dad or you find a job," She needs to see her reasoning is not normal.
If you don't put ur foot down now, it will only get worse. Your mistake was moving closer. I really don't think your Mom should be around your kids too often. I really feel she needs a good physical with labs. May be a CT scan to rule out Dementia or even a stroke if this is new behaviour. Your Mom is not old. I have friends who both are 72 holding down jobs. Lots of people are waiting till 70 to collect SS because they get 135% then.
Goid luck and please come back to tell us how things work out.
I know that you think that you have some entitlement from me and I am sorry that you feel that way, because you are NOT entitled to hijack my life. So we expect that you will be gone by the (insert date).
We look forward to enjoying family gatherings and holidays with you and wish you all the best.
Love,
your grown woman daughter.
You need to stop being a child with her. You are a wife and a mother, you need to get over feeling like she is your boss. You have every right to move her out and put boundaries in place. If she chooses to throw a tantrum, then let her but, it shouldn't change anything for you.
I am thinking that she takes the cake for audacity.
Time to stand up and put your foot down with this manipulative, petty woman.
Mom has GOT.TO.GO.
Like, yesterday.
You're gonna 'nice' yourself out of a marriage and home.
Sounds like she's a tad narcissitic---all right, a LOT.
How do you solve this? You invite her to leave and move in with sis. I wouldn't even couch this discussion wrapped in cotton gauze--she won't 'get it'.
Tell her what you've told us. She's NOT the owner of the home. She's NOT the parents of your kiddoes. She's NOT got a voice in what your place looks like or how it's run.
Be kind, but firm. Ask her to take a weekend to pack and then she needs to leave.
She's 60???? She could live 35 more years! My mother has lived with my YB for 26 years and it has been alternatively a nightmare and a worse nightmare. Some families can live together and it's a lovely thing. Sounds like that's not your deal.
Tell sis that mom is coming back to her place. So what if she doesn't want to see your dad! She should have planned better. That's not your fault.
And QUIT GIVING HER GAMBLING MONEY!!! You want to throw money away, take it outside in a brisk wind and let it go. That's gambling with the same outcome. She's not winning and repaying you, right?
Stop being her enabler, it will get worse over time. You can't change her, but you can change you.
BTW--NOBODY who responds to your question is going to think that this (mom living with and mooching off you) is a good thing.
Think about that. You already know the answer don't you?