I, 50 this year, have been taking care/living with my now 78yr old mother for 10yrs now. She fell and had to have a total reversal shoulder replacement within 6months of my dad passing away. Things have been slowly getting worse. She has a host of medical issues and I did quit my job at one point to be here more but that did not go as we expected. My dad's pension is too high for any outside help. And I recently applied for my old job, then she had a TIA (mini stroke) I have to go back to work, which I did. There is so much to this, there is not enough room to write everything but I need support and understanding. My support system does not understand the difficulties of caregiving for not only my mother (also dysfunction from my childhood is a factor), raising a 14yr old daughter (the main, healthiest support for her as well) and being the main support system for my 32yr old son who suffers with Bipolar Disorder.
The other issue is to have your priorities straight: you and your minor daughter are primary. You are in Burn Out. You may need to consider transitioning your mother into residential care to save yourself and your future. If you are completely depleted you won't be able to help anyone, and there'll be no one able to help you or your daughter. Moving your mother out does not mean you don't love her. And, she won't like it -- but it may be the only feasible solution.
When you say your dad's pension is too high, did you actually contact social services, the VA (if he was a vet) or fill out a Medicaid application? Sometimes people make incorrect assumptions. Talking to the elder law attorney will help you a great deal. You will get much support and good insights on this forum. I wish you courage and wisdom and peace in your heart as you plan to help yourself.
Due to the circumstances I have been in, I can not support myself and my daughter without her financial help here. Just going back to work it will take awhile to get myself in a position that I could. And I have to say, I had codependency issues until like, well I still deal with some. But yes, total burn out. Still in the middle of doctor appts from the TIA and what the future holds. I have a brother that was just here for a visit with her, she appeased him while here and that was it. My half sister who claims no responsibility to my mom, I have not even talked to in years. I have 4 adult sons who help when and if they can but I will not ask them for more than that, they have their own lives that are just beginning. My ex husband helps with certain things but is not real reliable as he fights an addiction. My son who suffers with BPD fights for stability not just from the disorder but from addiction as well. My boyfriend has an addiction.
Back to mom, since this is an aging caregiving area, she has never processed her grief from my dad passing. She self diagnosis's one minute and acts like a child the next. She still has most of her cognitive skills about her, she can bathe and use the restroom herself and her own laundry. I know it is difficult for her losing so much independence. That all being said, she has had a liver transplant 25yrs ago, 2 heart attacks, 2 mini strokes, diabetic, macular degeneration in both eyes(legally blind), COPD, constantly off balance, high BP, high cholesterol and her total reversed shoulder replacement(arm doesn't move the same now) most of these are manageable on their own and no big deal until you add them all together. So I created an account here to gain some more knowledge and get support from people that understand.
Thank you again for your suggestions!
I don't completely understand what your mom needs are, so I would encourage you to encourage her to do all the things that she can. As we age the saying "use it or lose it" gets more real. So her staying active is a great way to get through some of her challenges.
Have you ever had counseling? I don't want to sound mean but, you sound like a rescuer and that puts a whole lot of pressure on you to take care of all these individuals that have addictions. I believe in loving people as we find them, I also believe that we let them own their issues, as we all have plenty of our own. You are surrounded by men with addictions and I think that would be my 1st step, moving away from their struggles until I felt like I was in control of my life.
Please do not take that wrong. You have a heart of gold and that is why you are wanting to help these people. However, gold is a soft material and easily shaped and broken. You have to take care of your daughter 1st, then you and others come later. Coming to terms with that is hard for many people, myself included.
You can do this, you can start getting things prioritized for your wellbeing and that of your minor daughter.
Great big warm hug!
I listed my mothers actual medical issues in another comment, there are many. I try really hard to draw lines with my son, he is well old enough to deal with some of the things he has going on. I am not his rescuer anymore but I will always be here for him. Just some days, I feel even irritated with him on the phone as I try to have time for myself or whatever when he calls. Which is all in all better than him showing up here. So there is progress there. The ex, I only deal with him when absolutely neccessary when it comes to our daughter.
Thank you for the hugs, very needed!
Hooray! Identifying an issue is usually the biggest hurdle to fixing it. So you are well on your way to getting beyond the codependency.
Remember to forgive yourself when you mess up. It's okay when we goof, we are all trying to figure it out and we make so many blunders. Self love is so vital in our journey and so often disregarded because we don't forgive ourselves.
Set boundaries with the people that are vamping your energy. Dear son, I love you but I need to go now. Talk to you soon. Don't be a sounding board for an indefinent amount of time, for anyone, give them 1, 2 or 5 minutes and then end it. People will use you as a dumping ground if you allow it, don't allow it. You matter too!
Great big warm hug! Can't ever get to many.