Can someone tell me how not let her push my buttons?

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Can someone tell me how not let her push my buttons?

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I'm having a very difficult time with not letting her upset me. I'm my mothers caregiver and she doesn't realize she is having memory problems and now believes she can live on her on. I quit my job and move in with her so she could come home from assisted living, which is what she told me she had to have someone 24/7 last may. I offered to do move home so she could. Now she thinks I had to move for her help, she is thinking I'm using her, she had said everything possible to get me to leave, telling lies to family, friends and neighbors, doctors and nurses. Thank god the immediate family and nurses and drs know the truth and are giving me support for the job I'm doing. But she has nothing to say to say to me but complaining, I try to ignore it but it is getting harder and harder to ignore.

Burnout

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Get her back in assisted living, find a job or get your old one back and see a therapist to help you overcome the buttons that your mother put inside of you as a child so she could press them later on to get what she wanted from you.

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Thanks to all who have responded, I finally realize I am not alone on this agonizing other/daughter merry-go-round. My mom had a minor heart attack, and a second that they called "broken heart syndrome" where extreme stress and fear cause a reversible heart "attack". Her fear was the reality of being told she could no longer live alone. Her life-long anxiety and refusal to take prescribed medication for it wound her up to the point that her minor dementia suddenly became moderate to nearly severe. We moved her into memory care assisted living and deal with the same daily baiting and spewing anger at us that you talk about. It is a painful new reality and I go back and forth between trying to be blunt with her about her victim-like behavior and self pity to feeling guilty that I could not care for her at her home or take her in or support her getting a caregiver. She has made choices to be miserable her whole life and I cannot get caught up in them. For me, putting the stress if dealing with her into its own compartment and refusing to give that stress time or permission to consume me has become the path to survival. Try that as you wrestle with taking back your life from her manipulation and giving yourself permission to live again. You can and you will.

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Good heavens, ALL of you are describing parts of my mother! I am still trying to figure her out! I've never heard of cluster B personality disorders but I'll bet mine has them all too. From the time I was old enough to understand what a lie was all about, I've been aware that my mother is full of them....and denial. Any situation that she was involved in that leaves her in a bad light in any way....HAS to be someone else's fault, no matter what the tale is. And I only WISH that she could be huggable or that I could have a serious conversation with her. Because of who she has been all my life, I already know she could never come live with me or me with her. I can hardly stay with her at her place for 4-5 days without wanting to scream and yell and throw things because she is SO consistently wrong and thinks she is right....even before dementia. Now it's just getting worse. There is a book called 'Boundaries' that may help you with your mother. When I can stop and think about using the ideas in it...they do work. By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend. I bought that one and a couple others about dealing with elderly parents and boundaries, as their child, from AMAZON. All were paperbacks and not expensive. I would also try to get other authority figures, like her doctor, or an attorney give her the consistent message that she is not able to live alone and isn't it wonderful that you have come in to help her. She needs it reinforced from people besides you to clarify the truth of the situation. Do you have POA yet? Without that, you would have no authority to move her to AL down the road, or a memory care unit. And if she's getting worse, and you have to declare her incompetent in order to have that ability to care for her safely, you will have to go for guardianship, which is more expensive and time consuming. I am recommending a long term plan, even if you do want to stay there with her and keep her home.....you are going to need it later on. This never does a thing except get worse.

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You see now it was a big mistake to take her out of Assisted Living. So send her back there. No other way...

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I am another person telling you to put her back into care.

My mother has cluster B personality disorders (Narcissism, Borderline Personality) + Bipolar + Dementia + other medical problems. She was 100% convinced she could live on her own despite the fact that all the food in her fridge was rotten and there were huge spiders & vermin living in her cabinets, and her well water was mostly sulphur.

You mom's decline is only going to continue, and she will need more & more care. It will be a big transition now to put her back into care, but it will save on even bigger more difficult transitions later. And it will save your sanity, which is priceless.

You deserve to live a life free of the manipulation, guilt, control, and second guessing.
Me gutting my ability to pay my bills and save for my own old age is a no go.

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My MIL also told lies and was hateful with us earlier this year. I realized looking at it now, that she was pushing us away because she hoped she could get us to get mad enough to throw up our hands and leave her on her own -- THAT was her goal. We had to be strong. Some did better than others.
Good for you for having a support system encouraging you. That will be very helpful - for you, and taking care of YOURSELF is key to being able to be of any use to your mom.
Plus, I think that when it's a mom and daughter, there's just more baggage and buttons that get pushed, so that just makes it all so much harder. {{{hugs}}}

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I can relate, and I'm trying to learn this trick myself. My mom seems to go out of her way to bait me in to arguments that she can then blame me for starting. Thankfully, not all the time. One thing I have figured out is she does this when she is in a bad mood. She's always kind of suppressed her negative emotions, I think because she has this self-image of being the demure, sweet little mom, and will go out of her way to make any contrary behaviors someone else's fault. I've taken to flat out telling her, if she's in a bad mood, own up to it, and stop trying to bait me. I try very hard not to get pulled in, and sometimes fail. But I'm getting better at it. Sometimes, you just have to be blunt, even if it is your parent, and let them know it's their behavior that's the problem, not yours.

I'm inclined to agree, maybe she should of remained in assisted living. It may be that that is what she's pushing for, rather than just coming out and saying so. It may be that they could provide her more structure than you can. But I feel your pain, it's hard to try and do the right thing only to be treated like that.

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I took my mother in, and I had my eyes wide open, or so I thought. She was also manipulative and spread mistruths to the rest of the family in such a way that they don't even talk to me anymore over something I don't even know about. I felt the same way:Here I was giving up my space and time without promise of anything except that my mother was safe. In return, she perpetuated stories about my private life to others. Just a bad situation. Now, I approach her whenever I hear anything that is not right. I just address it right on. I don't let it fester inside of me whereby the stress would probably end up killing me. I say, shoot straight and talk about everything. My mother would scoot to her bedroom and close the door. Well, that does not work anymore and I just walk in and we talk. I try not to get dramatic, and I try to keep her on track and don't allow her to deviate and throw a red herring in there to divert me from my goal.

I think you also need to act en parentis at times, meaning that you are parenting your parent. It's hard being a parent to young children and discipline and laying down the law can be difficult even when its a good idea. The same goes for you mom. Your biggest decision is whether she needs to be in assisted living for her sake and yours. Once that decision is made, then determine some guidelines that you both follow to make it work and stick to them. Good luck , I know it's probably more complicated in reality than what you can fit in a paragraph. Years ago, my mother used to say that you can attract a lot more bees with honey than vinegar. Maybe a bit of sweetness goes a long way.....(I say that, but I know how hard that is too at times).

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Paula, my mother did the same thing to me. She asked me to come here to help with her and my father for about 10 years. After I came home, she told people that she had taken me in because I had nowhere to go. That was untrue and pretty demeaning. I wasn't poor, but she painted me as a poor pitiful pauper child. When I spoke to her about it, she said well, it was true. She does that. When caught in a lie, she will just change to truth to what she wants it to be.

It is funny now, but I have to admit it hurt my pride when it happened. She has a long history of throwing her children under the bus to make herself look better or to get attention. I should be used to it by now.

I have a feeling your mother may be a bit like mine was and suffer from two problems -- First, feeling more competent than she is and second, not wanting others to see her as incompetent. I'm sorry that you made such a drastic change in your life to accommodate your mother. I hope that you have enough resources to move out if it should become too bad for you. Your mom can always go back to AL, but I worry also about you, since you gave up so much.

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What did you expect?

I'm sorry for how that sounds - there isn't a way to put the right tone of voice onto a question when you're just typing it in plain text. What I mean is, what expectations did you have of how your mother would be?

If you can take a bit of time out for a "nice cup of tea and a sit down" and have a good think about all this, try comparing what you thought was going to happen with what has actually happened, and with what is likely to come. And if you come to the conclusion that the mismatch is too great, and you cannot do the incredibly hard and steep learning curve ahead, which is only fair because you're only human, then Pam S is right. You walk away with your head held high, having done your best.

If, on the other hand, you're as stubborn as a mule (speaking for myself, here) and you're up for the challenge of your life, then you gird your loins, you grab every source of help and support going, you grit your teeth, and somehow, God knows how, you will get through it. You will begin to distinguish between your real mother and the evil disease mother, and the hurtful bull-what will gradually hurt less.

But you have to volunteer. Do not be passive and let things just happen, because you will end up hating your mother and that would be cruel and dreadful for both of you.

Can someone tell me how not let her push my buttons?

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