How do you avoid burnout?

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How do you avoid burnout?

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My 82 year old mother just moved in with me after a bad fall. She broke both bones in her lower leg and after surgery had to go to rehab. She lived with my brother in her home, but after 5 falls resulting in breaking bones in 2 years, it was decided she would be safer with me. She is very resentful at not being able to go home with my brother and is very combative with me about everything. Now 3 weeks in, I am just tired. She doesn't sleep well at night and wants to get up every couple of hours. I had to put a guard on the bed to ensure she doesn't get up on her own but I'm not getting any sleep and am feeling resentful that she sleeps most of the day. I can't sleep then because she will get up, or try to whenever she sees I'm not right there. Honestly I don't know what to do about it. She's very mean to me all the time and when I call her on it she says fine I'll go live with your brother. Her safety won't allow that and she doesn't get it. Any suggestions would be appreciated?

Burnout Mental Health Mom

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If your mother is a competent adult, you should allow her to live where she pleases, i.e., with your brother.

No one wants to be told what to do, even if it is for their own safety..

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If you're already experiencing burnout after only 3 weeks, you're in big trouble. Does your brother want her to go back to her home with him, or is he over it all too? I think if it were me, I would let her go back to her home, and let the chips fall where they may. If God forbid she has another fall, she may end up having to move into a nursing facility, which might actually be the best thing for her and her safety. You don't deserve to have to put up with her meanness, and you certainly don't need to be going without sleep. That's not good or healthy for anyone. Please take care of yourself, and next time mom says "fine I'll go live with your brother," take her up on it, and help her pack. Wishing you the best.

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Who is her PoA? Has she ever had a test or diagnosis of cognitive impairment or memory loss? Like BarbBrooklyn noted, if she is mentally competent she can go live where she wants. But "she doesn't get it" which is probably one sign that she has cognitive decline. One condition of her living with anyone should be for her housemate to also be her PoA. Without a PoA and an inevitable medical crisis highly likely in her future (or cognitive), it would take someone with legal guardianship to manage her affairs. If she doesn't have the funds for a facility you can help her apply for Medicaid. That is another separate discussion. For now please clarify if anyone has PoA for her and if she's ever been diagnosed so that the responders can give you appropriate suggestions. Thanks.

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Sounds like your mother is suffering from dementia, what with staying up all night, sleeping all day, being mean and combative in general. Why is she 'safer' living with you? If she wants to go back to her own home, providing someone is with her all day, why not hire an Occupational Therapist to come in and tell you what needs to happen to safety proof the house for her return? Once those changes are made, she can go back home WITH proper care, especially if she's found to have dementia, b/c folks suffering from dementia cannot be left alone.

If you're tired after 3 weeks of dealing with her, you need to figure out alternate arrangements. First, I'd get her evaluated to see what exactly you're dealing with. Is she suffering cognitive impairment? What level of care does she require? 24/7? Then you go from there. Back home with caregivers or is your brother willing to stay with her all the time? Falls happen NO MATTER where an elder lives, by the way, even with safety measures in place. My mother has fallen 69x and it's been nobody's fault but her own. She does things 'her way' which means she takes NO precautions, pays NO attention, and would fall if she lived in a padded room! She lives in Memory Care now, where it's like a fortress, but she's taken 9 falls in the past 2 weeks alone.

Figure out what's best for mom AND for you. If you don't want to house her (and I wouldn't either), then figure out what Plan B is here, asap.

Good luck & Godspeed!

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Mom is blind and needs help going to the bathroom or anywhere really, and my brother doesnt help her do those things.He will let her sit in wet pants for hours and she gets uti"s a lot.She is also diabetic and needs proper meals that she doesnt get there.They have lived together all his life and he is tired of it all really. Im in the prosess of getting poa but her and my brothers names are on the title of the house and hes afraid medacaid will take it from him so he wont apply for it.Ive talked to a lawyer about a quick deed to get moms name off the title so I can apply for medacaid for her.She has alot of other medicle problems that the family feels I can address better.But I dont want to feel stuck I want to enjoy her last years with her.People tell me I have to let go of the little things,that maybe im trying too hard to do it all.

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First please schedule an appointment with a Medicaid case worker so you and your brothers can get educated about what Medicaid can do for your mother. There is A LOT of misinformation out there about Medicaid and you might be surprised to see what they can and cannot do.

Catholic Family Services put me in touch with a no-fee attorney service that gave me lots of good advice when I was researching Medicaid for my parents.

You should also start researching senior living options. This is a tough one if you are going to need Medicaid. Most Assisted Living facilities do not have to accept Medicaid, but will if someone has been a resident for 2 years. So the sooner you get Mom into one the better for the long term. Nursing homes are required to accept a certain number of Medicaid patients but your Mom may not qualify for that level of care yet.

Check out other financial options. I was surprised to find out that Mom was eligible for a VA pension called Aid and Attendance because Dad had been in the military during a time of war.

The advice about getting a physical therapist to evaluate Mom's house is an excellent one. Small changes may make a big difference.

Next, stop trying to do it all by yourselves. See what outside help is available thru insurance or Medicare-home health aids, PT, food delivery, even equipment. Please don’t make yourself miserable trying to do what you believe is the right thing.

Your Mom May not be happy about some or all of these options but what happens to her if you get sick? Go to the PBS website and watch an excellent documentary called "Fast Forward" for an enlightening look at aging.

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Oh boy, this is hard on all of you.

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. Of course you are tired. Caregiving is extremely exhausting.

I am quite sure that your brother was tired too.

Her falls are concerning. Falls are dangerous. I found it terrifying every time my mom fell. As you know, injuries can happen in falls.

Your mom wants to live in her own home. Your brother sounds as if he has already burned out.

Your brother is concerned about the house.

You are having difficulty caring for your mom. She’s blind and needs assistance with everything. She has injuries from her falls.

Have you called anyone to help, such as Council on Aging in your area?

Or perhaps someone that aids the blind population in your area. Do you live in a large city or metro area or a small town?

Your mom needs to have an assessment done on her needs.

She may need to move into a facility. You aren’t abandoning her if you place her in a facility. You can visit and you will be able to sleep at night.

Best wishes to you and your family.

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Yes, think about it. In a facility you get 24/7 care from multiple people. At home it's 24/7 from one or two very tired people. Plus senior facilities have staff who are experienced in dealing with older people.

(1)

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To avoid burnout;
Put out the fire.

Quote by Penny Reid: “Don't set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm.”

You are already on fire. Your Mother's needs are extinguishing your own & resentment will start to smoulder.

Many of us have stepped in to help... but found the needs just too great. It happens.

Time to change the plan.

This is usually by adding oodles of home help (if possible/appropriate) or moving Mom into residential care facility.

Good luck with your new plans.

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What a great quote!

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It seems like your situation happens all the time. The sons are golden to mom and can do no wrong while the daughters who actually do for her get treated like garbage. You're not alone. There are many of us.
Your mother will not listen to you about your house being the safer option for her to be living in. No matter how well you explain this to her or how kind and patient you are with her, she will deliberately misunderstand and continue the terrible behavior towards you. Talk to your brother about what the situation was like when she was with him. Was he staying up all night long because mom kept getting up every hour? My guess is no. Did she behave abusively to him and not allow him a moment to himself because she demanded every second of his life? No on that one too because the resentment, anger, and abusive behavior is saved for you, and there has to be a hard NO on putting up with that.
Get your brother to explain to her why she can't live with him anymore. Then you tell her straight that living at your place is the last option for her. The next will be a nursing home.
I'm sorry to say but sometimes seniors need some tough love from their families when they start behaving like your mother is.
In the meantime, bring in some home/health caregivers to keep her up during the day. Or look into adult day care for her. This will keep her from sleeping all day. If the behavior and living situation doesn't improve then you'll have to her placement in a care facility. It doesn't make you a failure as a caregiver either.

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This sound like Mom may have controlling issues. You give her the main attention in caring for her therefore you become the target, especially when her anxieties surfaces.
Talk to all whom is involved with her caregiving. Much help for you is needed.
Mom is aging.there are discussions ,goals and plans needed for everyone can be happy and peaceful.
I pray that you get wisdom,and direction.

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This may sound crazy or redundant but i find it easier to keep my mood up and my patience in tact when other people are around or when I have contact with other people.

Doesn't matter really who they are: friends, a support group, chats, phone, zoom, helpers, anyone. People lighten the load just by their presence.

Reach out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, yes, I , too, have caregivers who come in. That has been key to my own happiness. Not just physical help but another person to care and bear the load.

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It is necessary for your brother to back you up and reinforce the importance of your mother cooperating with your care plan.

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It is necessary for your brother to back you up and reinforce the importance of your mother cooperating with your care plan.

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Your mother is suffering from not only physical pain, but mental pain in realizing her everyday, normal life is over. She has lost her independence and her home, others are controlling her life. No wonder she is disagreeable. While I and others see what you are doing as heroic care by taking your mom into your home, she sees it as a pretty bad event in her life. She is taking it out on you; you don't deserve that, but you are the handiest person. I am sorry you are going through this. What I said may not help, but I am hoping your love for your mother is not destroyed by this, and maybe letting her know you understand her perspective might help her not see you as the bad guy.

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If you want to keep your mother in your home, hire at least an overnight home health aide as many nights as you are able just so you can get some sleep.
Try not to react emotionally when she is mean to you. When she says she wants to go live with your brother, answer that your "brother cannot have you there right now..". She may imagine that at your brother's she can do what she pleasrs, but you have determined this is not safe for her. Her choice is between your house and a facility.

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If you dedicate & sacrifice everything to care for someone it is inevitable if that is your only focus. You need things going on for yourself that you can devote your attention to when they’re napping, watching tv, are in bed etc. I have seedlings going in the hall outside my mom’s room, will soon have plants on the balcony & front porch which is still nearby. I also am redoing the basement storage room & shop while my mother naps in the afternoon. I have a wireless camera set up in the living room so I can check on her from my cell phone. I also have hospice & when they come out I can mow, listen to music & sing. You have to fulfill your inner spirit to keep your vitality & give yourself tranquility, intriguing new interests/hobbies near them so you can make sure all their needs are met which then give you a distraction break.

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gees have you got it mastered! My first thought is that having a hobby set up near by, my demented mother would be sure to destruct it. Same way if I put a jigsaw puzzle on a central table she will put it all back in the box when 1/4 is completed....

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Don't hate me for daring to suggest this....but do I understand correctly that your brother was living in your mom's home providing care? I'm sure he's appreciated the respite you've created....but wondering if ...just wondering....would you have space for brother to move in with YOU? Then he could take shifts tending to mom. Maybe if the house is owned and hers, the proceeds could go to getting an addition or "granny flat" on your property. What is so unsafe about her own home? Stairs? People fall in nursing homes and assisted livings as well. They just do. No place is truly safe. You could let her go back and let life take its course. If she breaks another bone and winds up on the same path she has been, so be it. It seems rather essential that you have some back up ideas because it is tremendously challenging to care give in the first place, both mentally and physically, and throw in being treated meanly....My mother has dementia and our lifelong relationship has been antagonistic. But I also need a roof over my head and so I am the one indebted so feel what I do to help she and my dad is payback. MOST of the time I don't mind...but a medical crisis of my own made me less able to do what I had been and it's become increasingly challenging. Don't let caregiving destroy your own wellbeing, mentally or physically!

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I feel your pain. The sleep issue is difficult. I went through it my first 6 months with my Mother and then sundowners. What helped me immediately was Melatonin gummies. I give her 2 as a “snack”. She thinks they are candy. I also felt a bit bothered that she would sleep all day while I was looking a mess and was so TIRED.

As for the meanness she is showing. It’s not you. She’s mad at her situation and most likely taking it out on you. The loss of their independence being taken away from them by their CHILD is what upsets them. I found myself frustrated and felt unappreciated. What worked for me was becoming “the parent”. I found my Mother needed guidance, assistance and for me to take care of her. And for that to happen, I became the Mother. I’m firm with her just like I’d be with my own children. If she says something mean to me, I address it just like I did with my kids. When she’s combative, I’ve literally told her that she’s worked so hard her whole life, that it’s time for me to be the Mother and take care of her. Believe me, I’ve had my moments of breaking but she truly is my responsibility now and I needed to take control. I’m sure my method is not ideal, but it’s worked for me. And now she likes it. She feels spoiled when I do things for her. I ask her “who’s the special Mom here?” She replies “I am!” ☺️

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My mother's Memory Care had a policy to prevent sun downing and nighttime restiveness in residents. They were not allowed to have a TV in their room but were encouraged to sit in the activities room to watch with other people. This kept them from sitting a dozing in front of the TV all day. Plus, they also had at least 10 other activities planned during the way to engage, socialize, and keep the residents physically and mentally active. It took a few weeks but Mom soon settled in and started sleeping at night.

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I am so sorry that you are having this experience. Of course, you are burnt out. Your needs are not being met. You need the basics: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace. some "time off" to meet your own health needs and "time off" to nourish your soul doing activities you enjoy with people you value. Here a are few suggestions to try:

1- Keep mom on a fairly strict routine. Make sure she doesn't nap for more than 20 minutes during the day so she gets her needed rest at night instead of during the day.

2 - Talk to her doctor about her difficulty sleeping during the night. She may be referred to a sleep specialist who can prescribe medications and treatments to help her fall asleep and stay asleep during the night.

3 - Talk to her doctor about the behavior problems you are experiencing with your mom. Part of her problem is anxiety or frustration and part it is not getting her own way. The doctor may prescribe anti-anxiety medication to help calm her agitation. He/She may also make a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment.

4 - Get help, NOW! Ask family, friends, members of faith community and/or paid help to give you some "time off" caring for mom. It might be most helpful to pay for a sitter to be with her at night. This way you can get a full night's sleep while the sitter helps your mom throughout the night. Most sitters are paid minimum wage.

5 - Please consider that is may be time for your mother to be placed into residential care. If she won't cooperate and is making it too difficult to meet your own needs, she may need to be cared for by others. The staff can keep her to a routine AND deal with her nighttime issues which appears to be a 24/7 job right now. No one person can do caregiving round the clock and it is cruel to even think that you should try.

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You answered your own question but don't know it. She is physically in bad shape. She is vey disrespectful and mean to you. You are being physically and emotionally damaged by her behavior. Why on earth are you putting up with this? I would either get her a caretaker so you are out of the picture or I would place her for her own safety. Do not let her treat you this way when you have reached out to help her. Don't let her get away with that. I think it is beyond the point where she can live with the brother.

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You are burned out and are going to be burned out for a long time until your mother passes. Essentially this is as if someone signed you up for medical school and you had no intentions of becoming a doctor. That's the unfortunate truth, regardless of where she is living. You'll have brief respites but the internal conflict of not wanting anything bad to happen to your mom in juxtaposition with the feeling that you simply want to rest and for the responsibility of taking care of her to go away is emotionally draining. In essence, you're in a no-win situation. No matter how hard you try to give her a good quality of life and to keep her safe, eventually you'll lose the battle. That was the ultimate realization that took a very long time for me to accept and to deal with, and it was the source of ongoing pain.
Money and planning right now are key before you become too exhausted to think. Is your mom's estate set up in a trust so that you will not have to pay capital gains or income taxes on her home when she passes? If you haven't already done so, you, your mother and your brother need to talk to an estate attorney so that all of her documents are in order sooner rather than later. Ours came to our home. There are also ways to use her assets to pay for in-home care now. In Cincinnati, 9 hours a day, 5 days/ week was approximately $1,000 per month and it was well worth it. Unless she qualifies for Medicaid and a skilled nursing facility, you'll be paying approximately a third more for assisted living and she sounds as if she needs a level of care somewhere between assisted and skilled. Skilled is approximately twice as expensive. You might do better having someone stay with her at night while you get some sleep.
None of this is easy; in fact it's likely the most difficult thing in life you will ever do. All of the other answers are great. But this is also about securing resources...and having a plan. Otherwise you will not be able to survive at this pace indefinitely. God bless you for your efforts. You will not regret them. You will only regret not trying.

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To her to shape up or go back to live with brother but let her know next time she falls that ya'll will be checking her in to a Senior Home.

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Please don’t use a move to senior living as a threat. That might be the best, and safest option for all concerned. Out of the 3 places my mother was in last year 2 were wonderful for her. The third was during the start of the Covid crisis so I can’t really put any blame on them for a bad experience.

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I know what it's like to be burned out. Everyone needs a break during the day or a vacation in order to recharge. Like someone else said falls happen everywhere. To me it seems like you have 3 choices. Keep her with you, but have others help you out in order to allow you to have time for yourself & family, also get the sleep that you need to recharge yourself. Let her return to her home & help your brother out with her care. Find a facility (AL) where she can be assisted. The other thing that may have caused her resentment & behavior towards you is if she was not involved with the decision to move in with you. If you choose to keep her in your home you should join a caregiver support group & share your concerns & listen to some peer advice.

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You did t say if your brother has a job outside the home. I assume he does so your mother felt tht she had to cook, clean,wash for him as she as done all her life. Now I assume you are feemals and your mother thinks it is now your job to cook , clean, wash. and I just bet that you do something's different than she did so she cricatizez every move you make or don't make. If your brother can it would be nice to ask him to come to your house while you do your shopping or spend a day at the beauty shop get your hair, nails done maybe visit an old friend go out to eat. Maybe your husband take you for movie, dinner.,call home care to come stay with her for a weekend and take a trip.It may be time to put mom in a nursing home or assisted living.. if you don't take care of yourself then you can't take care of your mother.

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Sharon,
Could I add that maybe she can ask how her brother did things for her mother and try to mirror that as close as possible to so as to eliminate the constant criticising or at least reduce it? Just my 2 cents

CindyCatLover

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It probably would be much easier if both you and your mom share the same bedroom. This way you can react to her unexpected wake ups and console her as needed, plus it would probably easier and faster for her and for you to fall back to sleep. If this this is not practical then it is going to remain difficult for you, and maybe you need to consider another place for Mom.

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I have been told by several professionals that the caregiver is the one that gets the behavior. I can say the same thing in the same way as my husband does (he does very little actual care and a great deal of entertainment) and she will laugh at him but cuss me out. I know it is very hard to do but, don't take it personal and have a sitter come in a few hours a week so you can care for yourself. Believe me when I say that is a MUST!!!

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lunacat001,

I have some different ideas that may or may not help you, hoping that they will.

Could you possibly ask your brother how he did everything for her and try to mirror that as much as possible? (Providing it was healthy care)?

That might help reduce the criticizing.

Could you ask her what her favorite music, hobbies are?

You could listen to her favorite music with her and it might cheer her up and open her up to you to ease the tension and open a whole other door to you.

What about going to the park or a nature walk? That might do a world of good for the both of you. Just getting out in the fresh air and the sound of birds singing is wonderful. I know it's healing to me. Or you can go to a lake, beach or Ocean. The sound of the waves is sooo soothing.

What about board games, jigsaw puzzles, crosswords, etc, that the both of you can do together?

A pamper day for the both of you.
Get a manicure, pedicure for the both of you. ❤

Aromatherapy for the both of you could be a wonderful thing.

I'm trying to think of a holistic approach for both of you.

Comedy, Romcom, Fantasy, educational, documentaries, etc.

These are just some of the things that I can think of off the top of my head.

If I think of anything else, I'll send it your way. 😊

I hope this helps! ❤

Keep us posted!

CindyCatLover

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Can she afford to move into AL? If not, is it affordable to hire an in home nurse or aid a few hours a day to give you some respite? Nobody can do it all and unfortunately caregiving isn't for everyone. I also am on the receiving end of verbal abuse and manipulation from my LO as I am the POA and she resents much of what I say and do for her. Has no concept of how many hours I put in a week to manage all her financial and medical affairs, taking away from my own family and personal needs. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

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Imho, it's quite clear that this living arrangement needs amendment. Your mother may have to opt for facility living. You CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT continue with sleeplessness as your health will fail and you will be good to no one. Prayers sent.

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You need and deserve help. You must be able to remove yourself from the situation from time to time, even if it's only for a couple of hours. If family or friends are not able to help there are professional caregiver agencies in almost every area of the country. If you can't give yourself loving care you won't have any to give others. Good luck and God bless.

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Blessings.. Peace ...Strength Joy.
I was a caregiver for my Auntie who was 85 and a retired correction officer very tough lady but sweet.
She went to Heaven on Feb.27 this year and I miss her soooooo much.She did not have children.
I had to hire help because it was difficult.
I had a nurse button set up and a video monitor to communicate. Getting up at 4:00am is no joke.
I would commute about an hour and 15 min. to go take care of her. My husband understood and would help any way he could.
We had to move her home with us and that was the best thing we did. She was so much happier. She was able to move about in a bigger space and be around family members more. Her attitude changed for the better.

I just stated a business called Caring in Honor.
Because what I did was honoring God through my services for her and he was pleased.

So now I can care for people in the same way and their love ones can get a much needed break.😊

I would train with Teepa Snow and I connected with support groups.
I attended training classes and did a lot of research.
This was all new but God sent people to help us.
I did loose weight and experience stress so I know what your going through first hand.

Pray for your loved ones and see them as God's children needing help and you'll see a difference. You don't know just how long they are with you,so consider the time and keep saying I LOVE YOU!❤
Get the support you need that's why we are all on earth ..to support and love on another.
Scream,Yell..get it out but it will be over and you will be rewarded.

Stay connected to Love.💙

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How do you avoid burnout?

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