Mom non compliant with requests.. Will not allow anyone in house. She is physically abusing my sister but sis won't retaliate as she knows mom will forget or deny everything. I flew down so sis could handle on going legal affairs. I set boundaries that mom actually followed for awhile. I refuse to be present with mom while she drinks wine heavily. As Mom's MD refuses to help, I fear I will have to fly down unannounced and physically put her in car to get diagnosis and transfer my POA to get guardian ad litum. How do I proceed? How do I get an evaluation so we can figure out next steps? As sis can't drive I'm at a loss to see what I can do to get Mom settled and get sis out of her house? Sis is paying unbelievable mental, financial and physical costs for caregiving. Mom is in better physical shape than either of us but dementia means she won't take care of herself. Need some Florida folks who know that state's laws. Since neither sis or I can get traction other issue, we need someone to give us legal resources toget her into permanent facility. Sis doesn't want to do that but I'm just fine with playing bad guy role. Sis is widowed. I am not.
Plan on at least 2 weeks, with an open ended flight back home. Do as much as you can before going there--then hit the pavement running.
I'm not in FL and have no idea of their elder laws. COnsulting an elder care atty before you go would not be a bad idea, maybe sis can help with that before you get there.
Good for you, to be able to be the bad guy. Every family needs one.
Hopefully sis will be amenable to the changes and will thank you in the end for stepping up.
Good Luck!!
I agree you need to go there for about 2 weeks to get anything done. Stay in the house & when she starts saying threatening things or physical threats call 911 right away and tell them she is threatening, is delusional, may have a UTI & won’t allow care. Once she’s transported to ER (take your PoA docs with you) then start working with the medical team to have her moved to their psych wing or unit. Make sure you tell them she is an “unsafe discharge”. Don’t believe any promises to provide help after discharge… they want her out & will not actually help. Been there, done that.
Her alcoholism may add another dimension since she may require a medically supervised detox.
Hopefully your sister is not a co-PoA. She is dysfunctional & an enabler, co-dependent on your Mother. I wish you all the best in getting your Mom the help she needs.
"Don’t believe any promises to provide help after discharge… they want her out & will not actually help. Been there, done that."
If mom takes medication tell her she needs to see the doctor before he will refill them. This worked with my daddy. Once you have her in the car take her to the neurologist. Have a talk with the doctor BEFORE she goes in, let him know whats happening. If she goes tot he hospital then DO NOT LET HER COME HOME! Seek assistance from the hospital social worker that should be assigned to you. I would not let my brother come home, he had a friend bring him and within two hours he was back in the hospital. THEN - he agreed to go to a rehab. Via social worker mom should be placed in a facility that can and will assist her needs. You can also try a group home - I know when I used a group home they were better than the nursing facility my daddy was in. Blessings!
It’s the United Way hotline and if nothing else, it may be easier to get insight before the legalities of getting FL services involved — and if your mom’s not declared incompetent, she would likely make your role as POA hellish or revoke it.
Baker Act mom. Look it up.
Can sis provide phone video of mom’s behavior? Can you? Is sis able to call police if there’s harmful behavior? Police can get the Baker Act ball rolling.
I don’t believe you’d have to be there for this if there’s an ongoing threat. This is a mental illness issue and the Baker Act is there to provide emergency help for those in need. That would be mom and sis.
I’m a former Floridian.
An Elder Law Attorney can advise you and sister.
" homehealth" services to help her and this will help sister in meantime while you are assessing the situation and finding placement for her. What if your sister got ill and couldn't supervise support there?
You can tell her it is safety issue for 24/7 care. Have her PCP give you a " level of care needs" assessment so you know if she qualifies for independent, ALF or 24/7 skilled care or maybe memory care placement. You most likely will need to go down there but can do a lot of leg work on phone/ computer.
* Hire an elder law attorney (get legal authority (w/your sister?) and discuss selling the house for income for your mom to have to move into a facility (if house selling is financially needed to support her move)
- That she (mom) won't allow anyone else in the house is something that MUST CHANGE.
- You hire someone and give him or her a key.
* Discuss this with an attorney and APS. You want your mom to be safe as well as what you do being legal. You/r sister need to have the legal authority to make required / necessary decisions.
* At this point, it sounds like your mom needs someone to be there 24/7 - although I might be mistaken about that.
* I recommend you / your sister contact facilities with various levels of care.
They may not take her if she refuses to go however you will definitely need medical determination before they will take her (in memory care) or perhaps in general.
There seems to be (IS) some (legal-?) stigma around the (a) diagnosis of dementia, legally, and to due with facilities. I am not sure what this is about - although it is real. I'd suggest you call and ask what their (facilities) criteria is for taking a person with dementia although say you do not know what level it is - and you currently do not. You might even say she is forgetful vs saying she has dementia. And, do you know for a fact that she does have dementia?
* Some places may have a waiting list.
* Try to do this research before you go so you can visit communities when there, perhaps with your sister.
- Even if your mom doesn't go there sooner than later, it will give you a good idea of what is out there, costs, and availability.
Call APS.
Perhaps get another / new MD for your mom.
If she actually is able to follow your boundaries, then her mental state / dementia may not be as you perceive even though people go 'in and out' of clarity, ability to think logically, etc. Check out Teepa Snow's website and call their office. It is a wealth of support and information.
Let me know how things proceed.
Gena / Touch Matters
You do what you can and realize that it all you can do.
Try to take care of yourself as best you can.
It sounds like your sister is living in the house with your mother? Is that correct?
How is your mother getting wine? However she is - this needs to stop immediately. Take away her cr cards, bank cards, etc.
That her MD 'refuses' to help is a huge red flag to find another MD asap.
Gena / Touch Matters
If mom is abusive to your sister, the doctor will need to report this to authorities.