My mother (91) lives with me. She is wheelchair bound, stage 6 dementia as well as heart and kidney failure. She complains about her eyes. She has a bad cataract in her right eye, but can see out of her left eye. She sleeps 20 hours a day. My sister who lives 2,000 miles away thinks I should have her cataract removed and mom agrees. Suggestions on how I tell my mom it isn’t going to improve her quality of life? I don’t want to put her through the surgery. She doesn’t read and has no interest in any activities. She can see the TV but doesn’t stay awake to watch it. Thanks.
Yet I wasn't 91 and slept 20 hours a day. I could see considering it being done if she was not sleeping so much. Why exactly does she want it?
Ignore your sister. Someone not caregiving Mom has nothing worth listening to.
If I were 4 years older with dementia, other life-threatening health issues, on palliative care, and already sleeping 20 hours/day, it's a strong possibility that I would derive no benefit from cataract surgery. If I had the capacity to choose, surgery would probably not be my choice. However, everyone is different, and improving quality of life may be a consideration. My surgery did not involve full anesthesia, but I did need to understand and follow the post-surgery procedure.
I just love how you say that you are only 87! You remind me of my cousin who lived to 101!
She was our ‘energizer bunny’ in the family. She always looked towards the future, went on many trips, out to lunch with her friends, etc.
She read a million books during her lifetime and was an absolute delight to spend time with. I never, ever saw her as an ‘old lady’ because she was so young at heart!
She died not that long ago. I miss her terribly.
She doesn't get a vote in this. It isn't her FAULT she is 2,000 miles away and disconnected; but it IS a fact.
IF your mother can go through this surgery without it being a catastrophy (such as itching at newly operated eye CAN and likely WILL be-- I think any MD would concur) then the decision is hers to make UNLESS you as her POA realize that she is no longer CAPABLE of making this decision. She is only risking the loss of site in an eye that can already not see in a body that is, I think you recognize, failing now.
I wish you the best. This is your mother's decision if she can make it.
But fact she is sleeping twenty hours a day sounds as though she is not thinking clearly about this.
AND if she cannot make it, then it is your decision. For me that decision would be NO. But I am not you.
Your sister should never have been brought into the discussion at all until it was scheduled or mom talked to her about it. Too many decisions from those who really cannot judge something adds confusion.
Like I am doing.
Also, after the surgery there are many different eyedrops she needs to have for about 2 weeks and the dosages and types change almost every day, so it is complicated for the caregiver.
She needs to be able to lie still during the surgery because in my experience they don't put you out completely. Then she cannot rub her eye at all afterwards.
I personally would not attempt it.
Not my agenda either but my cousin was in great health, no wheelchair, no walker, no dementia, no major issues. She was able to enjoy life!
Her body just gave out at 101!
Most people aren’t so lucky as she was.
I disagree that cataract removal wouldn't improve your mom's quality of life. She may not read because she can't, due to the cataract. TV watching must be difficult with a cataract. Stage 6 dementia is serious stuff, but she may be declining cognitively because she can't see well. Hearing aids and good vision correction are necessary to prevent acceleration of decline, according to my DH's doctor.
I'm not saying she should have the surgery, not saying she shouldn't, but I do think you should confer with the ophthalmologist who would do the surgery before you completely rule it out. That's probably the best place to look for guidance in your mom's situation.
If anything the OP may need to get hospice on board since her mom is sleeping 20 hours a day. Sleeping that much is often a sign that end of life is near.