I have caught my grandmother on numerous occasions lying about her care or her being lonely. Over Christmas holiday she told my aunt while I was dishing her dinner plate that we did nothing for Christmas and she was lonely. We went to family's house on Christmas Eve and had many people there friends and family for a big meal I helped her be involved in making. Cutting and prepping seated at the table where she can feel useful. After, we went to look at Christmas lights played cards and sang Christmas carols with her great grands. The next morning we went to church then came home and had a large brunch with more friends and family. Followed by gift giving, later dinner and games. Another occasion she told family out of state that she had not seen anyone all day. Like no one was at our home. Fact was that we had breakfast together went to church then went out to lunch with friends from church and family. Only a couple hours later she told my aunt that she had not seen anyone all day.
The last one that she had to tell my family that's out of town is that she had to bundle up with a blanket because it was cold and I wouldn't turn on the heat for her. She has no less than two heaters one in her room next to her chair and one near her chair in the living room. In addition to this she has two heated blankets one on the bed and one in her chair with a heating pad a heated shoulder blanket and a heated foot cozy. The heaters are set to 72 which on every other day including that one she had no complaints about in fact had said she was cozy. After I overheard her speaking to our family about using a blanket because I wouldn't turn any heat on. I'm worried that people out of town friends or people that don't know me will judge my care by these lies she's saying. I'm an EMT generally working night shifts so I can spend time with her during the day allot of my time is spent with her. I don't know what else I can do and I don't understand why she feels inclined to tell these lies. Could it be attention seeking? Thought maybe she thinks if she tells them things like this they would come check on her or come see her? They wouldn't come see her when she lived a half hour away, they won't drive 6.5 hours. One went near our house 2 hours away and wouldn't even tell her or me (I found out later) I would have driven 2 hours to buy them a meal to let her see them.
It’s a woman of 92 with failing cognitive skills, expressing herself about her surroundings as she perceives them, in the moment.
You and the rest of the members of her family may need to readjust your expectations of what she says because these changes will most likely continue.
You can’t do anything to reverse this but you can gently mention to her that you “and she” saw several relatives and name them, or ask her if she wants an extra blanket, or whatever you think will help her to stay with what’s happening at a given point, but overall, no one should think that she’s being neglected or mistreated or ignored based on what she says.
What a Large and loving family you have. I envy you your energy.
Your grandmother is most likely not lying, rather has a dementia. It feels like lying to you. Her memory bank is most likely empty on these subjects. While she may seem to enjoy large outings and mingling with so many folks, it causes confusion and even stress for elders. At 92 she is most likely part of what is Christmas to many and they all want to see her probably more than she does them.
if you have a smart phone, take little videos of GM interfacing with others or using her blankets etc. you could even include an image of the thermostat. Send this to whoever she is giving her sad stories to. They will quickly see what is going on. I used to hear my DH Aunt telling a favorite nephew all her problems. When she got off the phone I asked her why she did that? I would point out one or two things she said that weren’t true. Once she told me that it made a better story that way. 😳
I told her she was wrong to worry him. Now I realize she probably couldn’t tell me what she had just said.
Finally I learned about confabulation and I began to catch on that she was having issues with her brain. With some folks the signs are very subtle in the beginning. It will progress to where it is easy to tell that she has dementia.
Unless she has been a habitual liar as long as you have known her, I would think along the lines of cognitive decline.
Add that to short term memory loss. Non-truths are the result.
Not telling the truth is called 'lying'. But if she cannot retain memories, then this could be HER truth...
I wouldn't call it lying.
I'd say confabulations - behaviour based on personality traits & brain changes.
Here’s what I did when my MIL made hurtful claims to relatives. I took photos. Lots! Then I sent email with photos to all the relatives.
Don’t mention Grandma’s claims. Just say “Hi everyone. Just thought I’d share some of our family Christmas photos so you can see how Grandma is doing!
Here’s Grandma with her grandkids! (who she claimed she was not allowed to see)
Here’s Grandma having dinner with all the family at our house! (where she claimed she was not allowed to visit)
Here’s Grandma unwrapping a present! (when she claimed she was overlooked)
I made sure my MIL was in every family photo I sent after every family gathering - birthdays, Easter, Thanksgiving - every one. Sure, it took a bit of effort but it guaranteed that the truth got around.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
Check out Teepa Snow videos on YouTube as well, they are great educational resources.
Best of luck!
But sitting in front of the heater at 72° remarking she was "cozy" and while still sitting in the same cozy place a phone call and changed what she said. It's also funny she won't tell these tales to people who will correct her. Only those out of town. People who don't know any better. The same ones who have had nothing to do with her. I could see it being dementia if the situation has changed but she was still near the heater still cozy. I believe it is her trying to make them care of give her attention.
Do not get angry. Do not use a threatening tone of voice.
Tell her simply and plainly that she is lying and you will not tolerate it. If she's doing it on the phone with one of your family members and you are within earshot, take the phone and tell them she is lying. Do it in front of her without anger every time.
The kind of lying your grandmother is doing should not be indulged because it's not a harmless delusion. If some elderly person with dementia is so far gone that they've forgotten someone they love has died or thinks they're living in a different time of their life, there's no harm in going along with it if it makes them happy.
If they are still with it enough to make up lies to accuse their caregivers of abuse and neglect to get attention, that can do harm. When that behavior is allowed to go uncorrected it can result in innocent family members and good caregivers getting into trouble.
Do not allow her to lie about you or her care. Correct her every chance you get.