I am my granny’s guardian and my brother her conservator. We are a great working team. Her 2 children and other 2 grandchildren are not willing to help (1 child and 1 grand have multiple pending charges of elder abuse, fraud, theft, etc).
We choose to step up and take care of my granny, and with that has come all of the legal cases as well. She has been diagnosed with dementia and we had her in her home with caregivers coming 5 hours a day. The constant home issues, groceries, meds, daily needs were too much (me and my brother both work full time and have multiple children at home), so we did place her in assisted living. While this has lightened the daily and weekly needs we have to tend to, she is not happy and does not want to be there. I receive no less than 25 calls from her a day & will talk to her at least 1-2 times that she calls. She wants to go home, isn’t staying there, she’s fine to take care of herself, who put her there, etc. she will threaten to harm herself and eventually hang up on us. She does not remember previous convos or calling so much.
The stress of the calls is overwhelming. The guilt of not answering all of them weighs heavy on me. When I do answer and she ends up upset and hangs up, I carry that weight to and feel terrible for her and that I can’t help her or make it better.
I don't want to take the phone away and she will likely go to the front desk to call.
I know we cannot “fix” anything when it comes to dementia, but how do I deal with the guilt and stress and know what the right decision is?
I have lost all energy in life in general. I missed being an active part of my girls' senior year due to dealing with my granny. I do my work, and then have no interest in ANYthing (cooking, cleaning, talking to anyone, going anywhere, etc). I feel that I am about at rock bottom emotionally, physically, and mentally. But I don’t know how to help myself.
My brother is a great support and we are a great team, but he is also feeling the same.
We are the ONLY ones that will help or consider taking care of her as well as all the legal issues from the criminal acts against her. I have to be at every court hearing, with sometimes as little as 1 day notice, taking time from my job and using my PTO and not being able to take PTO for myself, as it is much needed. We have had to take out restraining orders, waiting on bond revocation hearings, and probate hearings due to the other family members making contact with granny against probate judge orders and conditions of bond.
I love my granny dearly, and want to be there for her, but I feel that I am at a place where I am choosing her while letting myself and my immediate family down.
You need to let ALL of her calls go to voicemail, and if and when you decide to return her call, you need to keep them short and to the point. The minute she starts complaining, you tell her that you have to go and you will talk to her when she's in a better mood.
You obviously have a lot on your plate right now, and don't need the extra aggravation. Your granny is where she needs to be, plain and simple. She is looked after, fed and safe. You can't ask for more than that, so quit feeling guilty for nothing. You're doing the very best you can. and that's all any of us can do.
Wishing you peace in the days ahead.
Talking to her about the same issue over and over again is pointless, resolves nothing. They all want to leave it is part n parcel of the script they follow.
Time to set some boundaries and stick to them, you are cheating your family by letting Granny control your entire life, IMO that is very unfair to them and there will be a price to pay later in life, resentment will continue to build, by now I would assume that they are tired of listening to all the Granny woes and all the time you are spending on her issues. Might be time to shift gears and stop letting Granny control your life.
She sounds like she should be in memory care, the one my step-mother is in does not have any phones in the rooms for the same reason you are dealing with and because they call 911 at the drop of a hat.
I think we are close to moving over to memory care but not quite there yet. The ALF she is at, actually has 2 levels of memory care in addition to the AL. She only acts this way towards us and is a completely different person with the staff and other residents. The dr's and staff don't feel that the dementia has progressed enough to warrant moving to the memory care side yet. We do believe that some of this is also manipulation, but with the dementia, it is difficult to tell when she is manipulating. She has not only been taken advantage of and manipulated by others, but she is also a manipulator herself and lies to cover up others bad deeds and things she doesn't want known. In talking to the Dr's that see her, this makes the situation with her a bit more difficult and blurs the lines so much more.
I was also so drained. The same with work too. I'd constantly have to take off to take care of one thing or another or court hearings. I was also working full time and have my own family to take care of. Don't feel guilty to not take the phone calls. Even seeing her name and number ringing on my screen made me cry because I was so exhausted. I eventually just had to block her number entirely.
I notified AL of the situation. AL will call you if there is an emergency so leave it to them. Take care of yourself too
after the great feedback from everyone here, we are going to make some changes, and put ourselves first knowing that she is taken care of, safe, and healthy. Phones will be removed by weeks end, and I’m getting everyone in my crew on board to visit her 1 weekend a month, so that it doesn’t fall all on me. A one hour visit, per person, per month is doable and won’t be overwhelming for anyone.
For now, let her volume of calls go to voice mail and take ONE per day to respond to. Let her know you love her and that she's in good hands where she's at, and that you'll see her soon. You have no reason to feel 'guilt' over providing her with room and board in a nice ALF. You have not deserted the woman by leaving her to rot in the street. THEN you should feel guilty, but not now as you've done nothing wrong. Focus on yourself and your immediate family right now while you put granny on the back burner, knowing in your heart that she's in good hands where she's at.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with your own life now.
Please work on not feeling guilty, since you are doing nothing unethical, illegal or evil. Maybe think of it as grief, not guilt.
As for the phone calls, you are allowed to ignore any and all of them. You can block her for most hours of the day if that helps. She will not remember that she called. When she talks about going home, this is most likely Sundowning. When she asks who put her there, or any other unproductive question, you can tell her a therapeutic fib: "Your doctor has you there untll you can show him/her that you can do all your ADLs, then he/she will release you." This way the blame is on others and the responsibility for getting out is really on her.
The best strategy is redirectin or distracting when any unproductive topics come up. It sounds like she may need meds for anxiety/agitation/depression. Is she currently on anything? If not, talk to her doctor.
Who brought the criminal charges? If it was you and your brother, maybe you should consider dropping them so that you can get your life back sooner rather than later, but only you and your brother can decide if this is a worthwhile strategy. Who is paying for all of it? If it's not granny's funds, this would maybe be an deciding factor in dropping some or all.
You are in burnout. Remember that your marriage and immediate family has priority over your granny no matter what. I wish you much wisdom, clarity and peace in your hearts.
The criminal part is long and complicate, but some of the charges the Adult Protective Services reached out to the sheriffs office on, some were from state law enforcement, and some we have filed. They are not something we are willing to drop completely, although we have dropped many of the charges to offer a plea deal and not drag it out. So far, any charges the judge has ruled that the defendants pay.
Thank you for your insight. I feel that I am burnt out as well, but sometimes we need to hear it from others.
If you "lose" the phone, make sure the Administrator and RN are made aware so they don't go looking for it. Tell them that GMom is not allowed to use the main desk phone. Explain that having the access to a phone is making it hard for her to get used to her "new home". The staff is free to call you on important things or emergencies but remember you work.
I also firmly believe that AL is not the appropriate place for someone with dementia. Memory Care is better able to handle situations and the staff is more connected tot he residents. They can redirect and try to get residents involved. And that they are on a routine that then becomes familiar to them.
You can instruct the staff that she should not be allowed to use the "house phone" to call you or your brother.
The other thing I would do is discuss her anxiety and are there medications that can be prescribed that would lessen the anxiety that she feels in a new place.
Calling you and your brother all the time she is not "allowing" herself to settle in.
With dementia she probably does not even realize she is calling you as often as she does.
If this is becoming more than you or your brother can handle you could talk to the lawyer about this "what if" scenario.
"What if" you and your brother no longer wanted to be her Guardian and or Conservator? Is there a possibility then that the court would appoint a Guardian and you would not have to do this. The only risk is ...the one child and the one grandchild might then be able to petition to be the Guardian and or Conservator. Is there a remote possibility that this could happen? If so then from what I could tell Granny would still be at risk.
That is part of our fear, that others will petition the courts and could potentially be granted the responsibilities due to the criminal charges still pending and haven't had court dates for convictions yet.
I think just hearing from others that it IS okay to not take her calls, and to limit her phone usage and reassurance that we should not carry guilt by doing so.
You and your brother chose to step up and take care of granny - and then found you couldn't. There's your problem. You may want to be there for her, I'm sure you do love her dearly, but the reality is that there aren't enough hours in the day. You say your brother is also feeling as overwhelmed as you are.
I think perhaps you and brother might do best to speak candidly to your legal advisors and ask what the court can do for your grandmother if you (both of you) step aside.
The court, if your grandmother were to become a ward of the state for example, will not allow her to be left in the hands of any convicted abuser so you need have no fear on that score.
As for taking care of her: the net result of your and brother's taking care of her is that she has lost her home and part of her family, is living in a place where she does not want to be, and evidently does not agree with the steps being taken on her behalf. That's why you can't have a moment's peace or a conversation that doesn't result in one or both of you getting upset. Restricting her right to communication would be one solution, but a very bad one; blocking her calls would be better, but doesn't address the real issue. This is - it must be - incredibly stressful for you two and it's horrendous for her. Don't lose sight of the original aim, which was to make her life *better.* I should ask your brother if he'll consider a major rethink.
We have no problems making sure she is taken care of, healthy, and safe. We kept her in her home for the last year with daily care and she has declined. Our decisions have been ALL for her health, well being and safety. Her NEEDS are top priority, not her WANTS.
I don't know what you mean that we should not loose sight of the original aim, to make her life better..........are you saying we are making her life worse? If we left her in her home or allowed her to become a ward of the state, that would not be "better". While our choices for her may not be what she wants, they are what she needs: safety, health, and all of her needs met.
We just need to learn where to "draw the line" without guilt or grief and to have boundaries. Hopefully she will settle in and adapt to her new home and we can have enjoyable calls and conversations with her again.