How do I know when it's time for mom to go to an assisted living home?

Hi

Does your state have programs that will assist her without going into a facility?

My mother resisted AL for 10 years, she lived alone in the mountains of NC, sat around and watched game shows all day.

Finally had a slight stroke at age 93, was afraid to stay alone at night, we swooped her up moved her to FL near us, placed in a facility.

She loves it and said "I wish I had done this sooner, new friends, activities, dining and I do not have to clean"! Loves being with people more her age! She teaches sit down aerobics three times a week!

Go figure, she is now almost 99!

It's time NOW for mom to go into Assisted Living where she will get help with her meds, 3 hot meals a day, and socialization with others that will keep her occupied. Your mother is not "independent " at all, with you doing 95% of everything for her! You have a husband to look after and burn out is real, and very unpleasant. You matter too, please don't forget that.

Going into a facility" is not the horrible scenario some folks like to portray it to be, quite the opposite actually. My folks lived in a hotel like AL they loved. They felt fortunate to have the funds TO live in such a place, in reality.

Get busy looking for ALs that also have Memory Care available for when mom needs it.

Good luck and stay on the forum. Keep us updated.

Is there an Adult Day Program in your area? That might help with some of the "alone time"
Also the Adult Day Programs also usually provide a snack and a lunch some also provide a breakfast. Typically a van sill pick up the participants in the morning and bring them home between 3 and 5 (depending on where on the route they are)
If there are no Day Programs if there is a Senior Center that has activities that might also be a way to get her involved. (If there is a chance that she might wander that would not be an option)

By the way to answer the question you posed...
It is not a matter of when YOU think it is time for mom to move to AL...it matters more how SHE feels about moving to AL. If she does not want to move you can not "force" her to move.
I will say that I am of the belief that a person with dementia should not be in AL. There is a risk that they can wander off property.
And you never know when a person that "Never wanders" or "Oh, they would never do that" will wander or do what they would never do.

You can check with the Senior Center in the area and see if she m ight qualify for any programs that might provide a caregiver for a few hours each week.

I think she would have safer management and more activity were she in care.
If she doesn't wish to do that and you are all right with maintaining current level of care with perhaps some help brought in, then while there may be risk, at this point we are all going to die. Perhaps it IS better to be able to do it in our own homes.

Only you can gage the level of safety and what you have to give. At some point this isn't sustainable for your own health if care cannot be hired on. I wish you the best of luck but this has to be your decision to make.

When this question is asked , it’s usually time , unless your mother can afford to hire help in the home. That is temporary at best . Mom is nearing or at where she will need 24/7 supervision which is very expensive at home . Most with dementia sell their home and go to assisted living at some point .

It would relieve you of feeling as responsible for every minute of her day if she was in assisted living .Do you have POA to help her find a place and to sell her current home ?

It's an awful shift whoever you make it for your Mum. At least full residential care is usually fully air-conditioned and hopefully you can find a place that is good, happy, good vibes, rooms with half decent outlook and access to sunshine.
Just done this with my Dad. You need to be in good robust health and show your leadership skills.
If I'd listened to my babies I could not have done childcare and kept my job. Feels like the same now with my parents. Best wishes.

I read one of your responses and the fact that her sister is in a local AL facility is gold - your mom is ready for that now too! If they can room together and had a good relationship, even better.

Don’t delay - she is not independent anymore and you can’t continue this way.

Not every facility is the same. Visit many. We found some horrible situations and one that was amazing. We put mom in that one and the staff are very caring. Things mom has had available since moving in: a TV room, a craft room with activities director, llama day (they brought in a llama for everyone to pet/hug), Elvis impersonator night, weekly manicures, twice monthly hair stylist appointments, church each Sunday, special events for holidays including making special crafts, mobile library visits every two weeks, field trips (visiting flower fields, cookie companies, etc.), and of course in house doctor visits and a van and staff to take them where they need to go including to the doctor, eyeglass shopping, etc. I will also say Mom is amazed much of the food is made scratch and she can request beverages whenever including coffee and whole milk (her favorites). It is a small facility with a country feel to it, far from the big city. I think that makes a difference.

If your mom needs your daily assistance and you are finding it to be too much, it is time for assisted living.

Yes, your mother requires assisted living, because you are doing so many things she no longer can for herself.

LindaGA,

I went through something similar a few years ago. In a nutshell, parents were both in denial about living independently. They could no longer do this. My mom was adamant that no one could come into the house and she really needed help. Mom had the beginning signs of dementia and dad was blind. Two story house, no neighbors that were close to them, and my sister and I live in different states from them. We looking at various solutions, tried to use in home care (Home Instead), toured a few senior communities (mom hated them). In the end dad fell and ended up in the hospital, he went into a senior community for rehab. Mom really had no choice but to follow him in. She really needed to be in memory care (the repeating does make you a bit nuts).

I can tell you it was not easy, but neither was watching them fail trying to live the life they used to have. That life was gone.

Does your mom have the money for a senior community? Have you looked into any with her? I would suggest you call A Place For Mom or another company who take your mom's location and needs and they help you find a suitable AL or memory care facility near you that will work for her. You can't live her life for her. You need to live your life. I know it is hard. My mom really fought the situation but in the end, she was safe with my dad in the community where my dad was sent for rehab.

My mom passed this last June. I'm thankful that she was safe when she passed but she never really liked the community. She just fought the change. My dad was, and still is, content. We talk weekly and he says he is happy.

It's not an easy situation to adjust to, for anyone involved. You do what you can, you research, and you ask a lot of questions. There is no perfect answer but doing nothing is definitely not the answer. I so wish you good luck and send good thoughts your way. Don't be too hard on yourself, people on this website care and it is a great place for asking questions and finding support.

I would try finding some in-home care for your mom first, before AL. Your local senior center might be able to provide companion care for her. That's what I found to partially resolve the boredom issue for my 92-year-old mother with onset dementia who lives with me. My mom loves playing board games (easy ones for dementia patients) with her companion who comes to our home for a few hours a few days a week. That gives me some free time as well.

Good luck with your search for the best way to care for your mom. But please remember you need self care as well.

Grace

You are doing EXCEPTIONALLY WELL caring for your mom.

You have a lot on your plate. You say you are already burnt out.
Listen to this (your burnout messages) and adjust as you can / need to.

This is what I would suggest you consider:

FIRST - The issue of telemarketers is a huge red flag. However she accesses these, learn how to block them (could mean getting her a new phone where you can limit incoming calls) - I would block all internet / computer access. And, of course, she shouldn't have access to any cr cards or banking / finances.

* If you can afford a few hours a week of caregivers, get people in.
* Research volunteers: organizations, churches, neighbors (?), and colleges. Many students want/need experience (on their resume) working with elders... those in nursing, geriatrics, social work, counseling programs). If you can give students a small stipend, all the better. You can even find a student savvy in computers / phones to learn how to block telemarketers.

* You need to make you as much a priority as your mom and husband. I KNOW THIS IS HARD - IF NOT TRICKY or seemingly impossible. However, you are already burnt out so you must make changes for both of them, and for your own well being. You cannot run on empty.

You do a alot and that is heartwarming and commendable. A volunteer or caregiver can easily work with you as you have so many needs in place now.

I would recommend that you start with writing out a NEEDS LIST for new people coming in to help. Writing things down helps everyone understand and clarify what needs are, what is done, not done, needs attention.

"I THNK SHE SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME ALONE" -
A volunteer can help her with this (reading to her, looking through magazines, talking about current events or knitting - whatever interests her), including perhaps giving her a gentle hand massage (it does wonders).

Reach out to your community - many people want to help / support an older person (and an adult child) to be as content / happy / safe / secure as possible. It is the human condition to want good for others - it is what compassion is all about.

Give yourself a hug and more. Do something nice for yourself. You not only deserve it, you need it. Make time for you / alone time. Even starting with 10 minutes at a time will help (as meditation will - just a few minutes a day). I've been on Rick Hanson's Zoom Wed night 6pm meditation for close to two years now ... he is amazing and supports me in many ways - with the meditation, his talk/dharma discussion - fascinating), and meeting some of the close to 400 people worldwide that join him weekly.

* Get support however you can. Zooms can be useful / supportive. Although find what works for you. It is HARD / CHALLENGING to manage needs and not burn out. The best of us do ... while taking care of business and 'trying' / 'wanting' to take care of ourselves. Part of the key is asking for support, reaching out. And, making those 10 minutes a day just for YOU. And, come back here ! we are good people having been through the drenches ... there is a lot of support and compassion in this site.

Gena / Touch Matters

Gena / Touch Matters

Your mom should not live alone period. Anything can happen because your mom cannot use good judgement. You realize that your mom needs to go into assisted living because Dementia does not go away. How would your mom react if there was a fire in her house? How do you know if your mom's taking all her medications? How do you know your mom isn't being too trusting to someone trying to scam her? Assisted living takes care of your mom's meds and meals. She will be safe. Find a place nearby so you can visit often. She may not agree, but it's important to keep your mom safe.

I would say when it’s too much for you to handle or it’s disrupting your home life . I know it’s hard but there are places that are there for these reasons . Not everyone is built to be caregivers to their families 24/7 . We all have our lives too and most older adults need specific medical needs and attention.

LindaGA: It is time for facility living for your mother.

I am in the process of finding a memory care facility for my mother. She has been in independent living but we’ve had to add more and more help. Right now most of her interactions are with her aides but she has always been very people oriented so it has been hard seeing her world shrinking so much. I think we have found the right facility for her, they are amazing! Heck, I’m tempted to move in myself! We are taking her to see it later this week and I hope she likes it as well. I have looked at a number of places that sounded good on their websites. It has actually been a relief to see how many good places there are. She could be happy at any of them but one has really stood out. My brother, who handles her finances, is happy too because it is cheaper that 24/7 in home help.
You don’t have to do it all, I could never offer my mother what these places can, and I don’t have other family members to care for on top of it all. It will only continue to get harder so you need to find a way to share the load now. You deserve a life as well!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I understand somewhat. I am an only child and my parents health has really declined since the beginning of the year. I live 5 hrs away in another state and I have been spending 1 month there then one month at home to try and help. When I'm there I'm homesick and when I'm home I feel guilty. They are in denial about their limitations and live in a farm they can not take care of. They have to pay people to do everything and they are being taken advantage of. I want them to sell it and move closer to me but there is resistance. My dad had a stroke in February and one day he wants to sell the next he wants to die there. My grandpa died there and he was born there. I am exhausted and at my wits end and don't know what to do myself. When I do have some time to myself I don't know what to do. I am not qualified to do this. I wish you the best.

The social interaction that is available in an independent living facility is very important for slowing the decline. Also, if you can watch The Last Alzheimer’s Patient (on Max), Alzheimer’s can be slowed and reversed with diet and exercise, something she may benefit from in a facility.
The sooner the better, because there is a point where it’s too late to change their environment.

In order to maximize and maintain her cognitive capacity, your Mom could benefit greatly by activities that are social and with interaction with other adults. Your Mom really can't be termed "independent" as you are taking care of her household, all her bills, insurance that's due, etc. That's a false sense of independence as you "prop up" her life. But, cognitive decline will increase sharply if she is not interacting with other adults. The Neurologist told my brother that "reading the newspaper is not enough. You need to be discussing World and Local events with other adults". That sums it up. You Mom can have slower progression of her dementia by interacting and with various social activities. It seems she also needs "help" with her medication regime. I think she is a good candidate for "Assisted Living" rather than Independent Apartments. However, please visit a number of BOTH, and you will have a better grasp of where your dear Mom will be a good fit. I can't tell if you are in a small town or a city, but no matter: Select Assisted Living that's not too far from you, and then your relationship with you mother can revert to Dutiful Daughter who visits frequently, who brings treats, whose visits bring joy and smiles, rather than the Life Manager role you currently fill. You can then work on improving the quality of your own life, but the main objective here is to slow the cognitive decline of your Mom. That cannot be accomplished with her being alone much of the time. Special activities, outings, movies and adult friendships with others in Assisted, once your Mom makes the transition, will bring a higher quality of life for her.

You've gotten a lot of really good responses here. Each person is different, though. Another thought might be to see if your mom is ready for memory care in the same facility your Aunt is currently living. They could still visit daily. It's a lot to deal with and all you can do is make decisions based on what you know at that time. I've spent much time second-guessing myself and living with all the guilt and anxiety that comes a long with that. Hind sight being 20/20. I've done a darn good job for my 95-year old parents. Just moved my mom to Memory Care (out of the apartment she shared with my dad in Assisted Living...same building). Talk about guilt. Four weeks later, Dad walks over to her place daily after breakfast each morning and then spends the rest of the day there; eating lunch and dinner with her and sleeping on her lounge chair while she's sleeping in bed. Guess what? I have more time for my husband now. It's a win/win. It's tough going from "child" to "caregiver", but it has to be done. Just remember the tough love your parents gave you. Same thing. They did it for love and that's what you are doing, too. Sending you and your mom prayers and positive thoughts. I wish you and your mom well.

If she can not meet her own needs, stay safe, or stay healthy ALONE, then she can no longer live alone. Assisted living is for people who can take their own medications with minimal prompting. Seems your mom needs more hands-on care.