My parents moved close to me from 3 hours away just before I turned 50. At the time, I had one child starting college and one starting high school. In 2020, my father died during Covid lockdown in home hospice which was a terrible experience. Since then, my kids have graduated college and live very far away so it’s just me, my husband and my mother (90) locally.
I am turning 60 which has brought in a lot of self reflection. I think I’m just numb. I do have a couple of hobbies and am so fortunate to be financially secure. I know I don’t have a lot to really complain about compared to a lot of people. But I’m just so weary of caregiving. I’m an only child (please don’t reply about siblings who don’t help) and I’m the only person to call, visit, take to appointments, listen to health problems, prepare food, etc. There is no one else. But I carry all the mental load, banking load, slow walking load, health complaints, etc. We are one thing away from disaster at all times.
She thinks she is independent. I had to really force her to consider inhome PT via Medicare which she actually enjoys. This is the only help she has other than me. Why pay someone when I can just do it for her? I feel such guilt that my husband and I travel very little. I feel guilt that I don’t see my children much. Neither of my parents cared for their own parents like this. My mother used to say caring for old people is the worst thing in the world.
My parents were good parents in most ways. I was definitely encouraged to stay local for college and not expand my world. They would watch my kids when they were young for a week or so in the summer but didn’t ever offer to move near us and really help me even when one of my children required special help so I had to quit my job. I didn’t expect the help or resent the lack of help. But now I look back and see how I was primed to be a caregiver for life. I feel all used up.
If she says no, well than that's on her. But begin the backout of taking care of her. Calmly and politely, but firmly.
You mentioned "preparing food." How extensive is that? Is that daily? Sign her up for Meals on Wheels (at her expense, if there's a charge, which is pretty minimal; in some places it's free). If she complains about the quality or lack of menu choice, point out that AL has dining rooms where she can order from a menu. But you simply are not available to do her cooking anymore.
Visit less often, and limit you calls with her to once a day. If she wants to go somewhere. If there's a medical appointment you feel like you need to attend, go ahead. But if she wants to go somewhere optional, like the hair salon or shopping, say no, or let her use and Uber or taxi or the bus, if she's capable (I know at 90 maybe she's not). Otherwise, group all the errands into one outing a week that's convenient for you, and have your time to yourself the rest of the week.
And finally, plan some trips! Memorial Day is coming up. Plan something for at least the three-day weekend, or the whole week. Visit one of your children, or go to the beach, or whatever. Make a plan now, in plenty of time to tell your mother that you won't be available. If she wants, she can use an agency to pay for in-home help. Or she can sit at home alone. But she doesn't get to dictate your time anymore. Next up, the whole summer! Make plans. Maybe you want to invite someone to visit you. Once your mother sees you're serious, you can bring up the AL options again.
Keep us posted on how it's going. Honestly, you don't know how much time you and your husband have to be able to enjoy life together. I hope it's 30 or more years, but just in case it's not, make the most of it now.
Long ago I told my parents I'd do no hands on Caregiving or cohabitating. I loved my parents very much, I just could not go thru constant histrionics anymore as an older person myself. Thank God I made that choice, is all I can say. Some have the nerve to tell me if I haven't wiped their arses or taken their temperature, I was never a caregiver. I didn't realize that as I endured 10+ very long years taking them to ERs, hospitals, doctors, specialists, having meetings with AL doctors, staff, memory care staff for mom, and 1000 other things, literally.
I'm saying this to you to let you know AL doesn't mean your interaction with mom is over. Not at all. It's just different. You become a crisis manager, a finance manager, an advocate and someone who's called constantly to bring her what she needs. Be it snacks or adult briefs or rash creams for the invisible rash that the doctor cannot see but is driving her crazy for months on end. Or a new adjustable bed, clothes, driving her to eye doctors for glasses and oral surgeons for tooth extractions.
AL has a million benefits for mom and less for you, tbh. She'll be living in a hotel like environment with staff to assist her 24/7. An in house doctor who visits a few times a week, traveling lab services, Rxs shipped directly to the AL.....3 hot meals a day and companionship with others her age. They can all complain together and be catty about who's diamond ring is larger. And she gets autonomy, which is more important than anything.
You get some of your life back.
Deal.
Nowhere is it written you must be The Caregiver. Just that you care and you love her. Now it's time for others to do the dirty work. You get to go visit as the daughter again and not the resentful caregiver.
Do it. Find a great AL and ask the RESIDENTS how they like living there?
Tell mom in no uncertain terms that you're done caregiving. I love ya ma but now off you go to Assisted Living.
Best of luck to you
However, the time that we can't manage for ourselves may not be that far away. For example, I've needed transport home from the ER/Urgent Care twice this year so far (having arrived by ambulance). I am trying to resolve the health issue but, if I can't, we will need to consider alternatives. It is NOT FAIR to our adult son and his wife to call on them when I need a ride home from the ER at 3:00 AM, groceries or simply more help.
I absolutely never wanted to reach this stage, but it is what it is, at least for now. Finances are an issue, of course, as they are for all but very well-off retirees. We are fortunate in that we can pay for a period of in-home and/or facility care with long-term care insurance (that is if we qualify) and retirement funds. We can also consider a 1-way ticket to Switzerland, although that appeals more to me than to my husband.
None of this--NONE of it!--is easy or pleasant. "Happiness" likely left the building a long time ago when one reaches this stage in life. AC's respondents often state, legitimately, --"You didn't make your parents old or sick". That is so true, but it's not what many old-old people wanted either. Here we are, mired together in excess longevity!
She is being selfish. And you need to get a backbone and tell her the situation needs to change, you cannot do all of this anymore for her.
Your mother sounds like mine. We were all encouraged to stay local and we did. However my daughter (only child) was dating the man who became her husband and moved from NYC to San Francisco. I moved out here and my mother was livid with me. I am so glad I decided at age 58 to relocate there to be near our grandkids. If I decided to wait until they were both dead, I would still be in NYC because my father is still alive at age 97. But the amount of guilt and snide comments from my mother in 2013 when I left were disgusting.
It's now time to have a come to Jesus meeting and lay out the way things will be going forward, and that your time as your mothers caregiver is coming to an end by the end of May.
Give your mother the option of either hiring full-time help(with her money)to do all that you've been doing for her including her ordering meals/groceries to be delivered, or she'll have to move into an assisted living facility where she'll have the 24/7 care she requires and have her meals prepared for her, plus they can take her to any doctors appointments in their van.
And you must stand your ground here. The only way to get over any resentment/burnout is to learn the word NO. It's such a beautiful and powerful word when used correctly. You may want to try it. I think you'll really like it.
Bottom line is that you, your husband, your marriage and your children/grandchildren MUST come before your mother. And any mother that would want their child giving up their lives for them is extremely selfish and not a good mother at all. I'm just saying.
if you’re not getting anyone wise helping then seriously there isn’t any alternative
you haven’t said how old your parents are
I’d tell them your doctor says you are suffering from exhaustion so you will need to reduce sone of the things you do fir them and calls make a schedule
boundaries is your new and best friend
you need to look after yourself as well
Make that schedule
print it so They can refer to it
And maybe view options if rents are financially secure to help more?
check with local charities
as fur advice tell them you have burnout and can they possibly suggest anything to help you cope alone
sometimes we think we are doing best by giving everything up but that’s not the best
think of it in another way
you can’t give to them if you’re not rested and well - so look after yourself as well?
you’re over giving not exercising any boundaries
boundaries look after yourself mental and physical health-self care
Time/Space boundaries
How you spend your time (e.g., "I will not answer calls between x and x hours) try it
best wishes
She had moblity issues and low vision. I regret I could not have down more for her.
Have fun with her and don't forget to tell her she is the best mom in the world!
at 94. It was mentally and physically difficult. I had a caregiver group. Have fun
with your loved one. And don't forget to tell her she is the best mom in the world!
This is my opinion of course, but if you get the right home assistant, they wear street clothes, will take her to lunch, dinner, movie, shopping, and they become friends and companions before you know it. Please take care of yourself, you have kids and a spouse, don't let that get neglected.
Best Wishes,
Kelly
My Mom died April 1, 2026.She had just turned 95 in February . I know it’s hard ,,,but don’t put her in a home .My prayers and love go out to you .
The doctors told us 11 years ago that she had the on-set of dementia. I read up on the disease and learned there were only three things I could do to stave off the deterioration of her mind. Diet, Exercise, and Socialization.
We now have dogs that need to be walked twice a day for 30 to 40 minutes. We live in an age restricted neighborhood. We regularly socialize with two dozen of our neighbors.
I cook, clean, garden, and help her get dressed. I drive, I shop, I provide entertainment.
I thought I had this. I thought I could keep my promise. However, for the last year, I have not received any communication, any cooperation, or any appreciation. What was once an act of love is now a drudgery that exhausts my 81 year old body.
When we first learned of the disease she begged me not to ever “stick” her in a home and leave her there. I assured her that I would never let that happen. But now… I worry about what happens next week or next month. She frequently refuses to eat or take her medication. She is argumentative and visibly unhappy. A couple of times she has gotten angry and violent.
I also worry about the toll this is taking on me. The joy I once shared with her is gone. Our kids have their lives and their problems. Our son lives over 1500 miles away but makes an effort to visit once or twice a year. He calls us at least once a week. Our daughter is 45 minutes away. We see her a couple of times a month and we call her once a week. I don’t expect that will change.
We have a nice home with super nice neighbors. However, I can give up everything we have to see that she is well cared for but that will leave me just the car and the dogs. The future looks bleak.
I am finding the last ten years of my life have been one great big giant thankless slog. I had many years where I realize now I didn't have a care in the world. But everything came home to roost seemingly at once. Between my developmentally disabled sister-in-law's crap, caring for my unappreciative parents for the past five years, my husband's recent health issues and now my daughter's pending divorce which is causing considerable upheaval and changes for me, I have to say life can really suck.
Call the caregiver added Physical Therapy. Or Occupational Therapy.
Mom can do laundry..the caregiver can help.
Mom can go for a walk..the caregiver can help.
Mom can peel potatoes....the caregiver helps.
Gradually the caregiver can "help" more.
Do this for a month or so then you and your husband "have" to go see one of the kids.
Don't tell mom it is a planned week away just suddenly something comes up and your help is needed.
Make sure that you have all the POA paperwork needed.
In any emergency you can be reached and any decision can be made. And if it is a true emergency you can be home in less than 24 hours.
If mom won't go for the caregiver then you tell her that she has to go to an Assisted Living for a Respite stay so you can get a break.
Once in AL if she is doing well you can decide if that is better for her as well as for you.
That means no promises, no hands on caregiving, no moving them in, or moving into their home and selling yours. All big mistakes. Especially the ones who never helped with their own aging parents! Why do they think they can get away with this?
The problem is that parents in the 80-90s age group are seeing any facility as a prison or asylum! They have this horrible 1950's image from movies and are totally scared of them! They need to snap out of it and face the fact this is 2026, those days are GONE! We live in modern times now.
Especially when they flat out refuse Assisted Living, which provides meals, housekeeping, laundry and local transportation. They have their own apartment and bathroom, privacy, and can make coffee or snacks if they don't feel like getting dressed. They have plenty of help around the place, activities, you name it.
Oh hell no....why not have my adult kid (working full time) wait on me hand and foot, and don't pay them? They will be happy to come home from 8 hours of work, and work another 6 hours free, right? They will be thrilled to take their paid vacation days off to take their "helpless" parent to the Doctor, pick up their meds, or worse, have to take their parent with them on their own vacations they work all year for? The adult kids get no privacy, double the housework, or no socializing with their own friends. Why should the "helpless senior" pay for Uber rides, or arrange and confirm all their own medical appts, cook their meals, do their own dishes, do their laundry, their banking, or all the many constant chores....when they can get their adult kid to do it ALL for them?
I hear you Stella, I would have such resentment inside. You become an adult, yet don't get treated like one. You never imagine the burden of elderly, selfish parents in your 30s and 40s, being too busy raising your own kids, and to make a career. Of course you feel used up, and you need to take steps to stop it.
Start by booking a cruise with your husband. Arrange for someone to come in to check on Mom while you are gone. Give her a list of numbers for food delivery. Tell her, "I know you'll be just fine here yourself." Hire someone to come in a few hours a day, like a college kid. Tell her you can't be contacted out at sea, too. Be totally excited about it, to discourage her negativity.
You could also mention, "What are you going to do if something happens to me? Just because I'm younger, anything could happen. Then what are you going to do?" What if you suddenly get a serious illness (like heart attack or cancer), you have major surgery, become disabled and can't work anymore, and need your own caregiver??
I think these selfish seniors never think about it at all. Why should they?
BOOK THAT CRUISE! Then don't tell Mom until it's 2 weeks away.
Troubled mind Janet eeh!?!?
You are suffering from the overload of last trauma ( father) in resolved and current caring and you’ve got burn out
sort it out before it affects your mother
it isn’t a sin to say I need help
it isn’t a sin to say I’m tired
it isnt a sin to want a life for yourself
Speak to your mothers doctor / health care/charities even and find out what your options are
then comes hard conversations
Mum you are 90 now and I can’t provide the care you need
ive looked into sone really nice places- have a look at the pictures
i need to know someone is looking after you/ there for you - it wii ok bt change our relationship
in fact ill have more energy when I see you
ive arranged a bus xx day
maybe
caring us a challenge and without help it will majority of the time lead to burn out
that’s not even touching the point that you need a life as well
get the info and start that ball rolling
Don’t talk about it
just do it
you can always make calls as well
reassure her it doesn’t change your relationship