I am a teacher and I have durable POA and my mom has dementia most likely due to a poorly done back surgery 20 years ago and her doctor prescribing her opiates and now she is on a considerable dose of fentanyl. She is also 86 so her age is worth mentioning as well. We moved her to assisted living and she is not sure why and can’t remember when we tell her repeatedly that she overdosed a couple of times. Her boyfriend who is/ was a retired physician; facilitated her increased amount of meds due to her chronic pain. He and his family also hid the issues my mom was having with her memory and excessive med use. Last summer my sister and I decided that my mom required more care than she was getting (she lived in a small town and there was not an adequate amount of people to find to care for her and her boyfriend moved back to his house with the urging of his kids. My mom was devastated, so we proceeded to move her to a bigger town where I live and where there are many more services. She hated it and wants to move home. It isn’t safe for her and when we discuss all this she gets very mad and tells us we cannot run her life. She expressed interest in moving to the town where my other sister lives (who has medical poa) found a place, showed her and she said go for it! Now she is pissed that we bought a house and says she never wanted that even though she repeatedly said to do it. She is very, very angry and and is accusing us of taking her money when she told us to and though the decision was a better one and would add a better quality of life for her. The house is hers, and in her name. I just don’t know how to navigate this and since she doesn’t remember the decisions we made with her it’s a big mess and a fight. She is constantly texting us the same things over and over and then forgets the mean things she says and then is on repeat. What is the best way to deal with her? Honesty or ? She is ordering us to leave her “stuff” alone and we really need to sell her house and move on from there… I need advice! My heart is breaking for her and it sucks dealing with her aggression and anger… HELP!
Since you have POA for your mom, you are going to have to do whatever you feel is best.
I know that you would like things to be peaceful. I am sure that your biggest desire is to get off of this emotional roller coaster.
Everyone becomes frustrated when there are numerous conflicts occurring over and over.
It’s easy to become distracted. Try to focus on what is most important and work on a plan to implement what needs to be done.
First of all, your mother has dementia and other issues that are complicating things as well.
I know that you are aware of your mom’s condition but you’re still trying to have rational conversations with her. Let go of having unrealistic expectations from your mom.
I think you will achieve peace when you completely accept that your mom is no longer in control of her emotions or what she is capable of remembering.
Then you will be able to make arrangements for your mom without having any doubts about your decisions.
When her feathers get ruffled, and you know that they will, keep your eyes focused on what you need to do. In other words, act according to what your brain is telling you, rather than what your heart is telling you.
Remember that you are doing your best by being a strong advocate for your mom.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
It isn't in her best interest at this age to have bought this home.
I am hoping the OP didn't have any part in signing for this home. I fear she badly needs an attorney ASAP if she did.
Does Mom have a diagnosis of dementia or cognitive impairment?
While a label of dementia or impairement can be just that, a label.. it may help you to mentally step back from trying to reason with Mom - and fully into the role of doing what you need to do (hard as that is). Either with much less discussion, or with a simple statement of fact. Eg Mom, you live here now.
I have seen the hardship all round when a family member tells me their LO has some dementia or impairement yet is also expecting their LO to make rational decisions. They tell their LO somethinh over & over (or write signs) but their LO lacks the reasoning ability to understand.
Does Mom have dementia?
Is the OP currently acting for her financially?
Who actually bought this home and who is it deed/title --it had better be the Mom and not our OP.
Something is very "wrong" in Denmark here.
Perhaps now it's best to sell the house and use the money to place her in an assisted living facility or memory care, as she is only going to get worse and will require much more care.
Our OP is the POA. Sister only has MPOA.
So either our OP bought it in the name of the mother, or the mother bought it, and it had better be that latter or our OP might be going to jail on this one. And that house better be deed and title in the name of the mother ONLY.
You two need legal advice so you do not make another bad decision.
In the meantime stop discussing this with her, her brain is broken, start planning.
Try and take the emotions out of it, this is business someone needs to make sound decisions for her, if you are the DPOA then it is you. You can move her to AL or MC and put her house up for sale using the funds for her care.
It is no longer about what she wants it is about what she needs.
Sending support your way.
You are acting for her financially or you are not.
If you bought a home for her it had better be in her name deed and title, and I think buying a home for anyone of this age is very poor decision making on the part of a POA who is RESPONSIBLE for someone with dementia.
SEE AN ATTORNEY AT ONCE with all the details; this sounds like fraud and abuse.
You say she is pissed "we bought a house". WHO BOUGHT A HOUSE? Because if it isn't your MOM who bought this house herself, then you could be in very deep trouble.
Either your mother is competent and in charge of her OWN finances, or she is NOT, and YOU are responsible and handling her finances as her POA.
WHICH is it?
You, as POA are held to the highest standard of LEGAL fiduciary care. You are responsible to act in your mother's best interests if she is not competent to act for herself. How in the world is buying a home at this age in your mother's best interests? Can you tell me that?
YOU need to see an Elder Law Attorney at once, because I believe that your mother has a very good case for elder abuse and fraud given what you say. This home deed and title had BETTER be in her name ONLY. Otherwise I am afraid you badly need an attorney.
Your mother had an operating POA. That means she was not competent to make financial decisions. It cannot go both ways. She cannot be in control of her life, finances and purchases one moment, and YOU in charge of the the next. And there is no way on earth that buying a home at this point is in your mother's best interests.
The POA should not have LET HER make decisions regarding buying a home knowing she has dementia. You are held to know the law. If you do not your POA pays for an attorney to explain the law to you. I do not believe given the details you give us that this was lawful. Get to an attorney ASAP.
And if this house is not in your MOTHER'S NAME title and deed, then your mother is correct. This would be fraud and elder abuse. Someone could end up in the slammer on this one.
SEE AN ATTORNEY AT ONCE with all the details of this.
This is a complicated mess, and it is way beyond what any Forum can advise you on. You need an attorney. If you are POA your POA pays for expert advise. That doesn't mean a Forum full of folks from around the world. It means attorney.
Good luck.
SEE AN ATTORNEY ASAP
Who bought a house for who and why?
Mom can't live on her own.
Mom, if she has been diagnosed as incompetent (has she)??? She can not make a purchase like that.
You can not ask someone with dementia if they want to move, if they like a particular place, or any other decision that has or may have long term consequences. Sure you can ask a person with dementia if they want a Tuna Sandwich or Chicken salad but you certainly don's ask them if they like an apartment in a AL facility, or if they want to buy a house.
You as POA may be skating on some pretty thin ice when it comes to financial decisions.
Frankly your sister may also be skating on thin ice when it comes to making decisions where mom is to be living. She should be in Memory Care not AL or heaven forbid living in a house by herself.
Suggestion:
Sell the house that you bought.
Find a Memory Care facility
Use the funds from the sale of the house to pay for her care.
She "forgets" the mean things she says cuz she has dementia.
She repeats things cuz she has dementia
She texts the same things over and over cuz she has dementia
Please read Alva's advice and then reread it.
Read your POA, is it immediate or do you need a Doctor to declare Mom incompetent to make informed decisions. If immediate you can step in and make decisions for her. If you have not gotten a formal diagnosis of Dementia, I would do it. Its important to know what type your dealing with. Has a lot to do with what medications can be used on what type of Dementia. You will need a formal diagnosis anyway if your POA requires it.
Realize now that Mom has short-term memory loss. She has lost the ability to reason and show empathy. You are now the adult and she is the child. You need to do what is best for her and you. Right now an AL is best for her. Probably Memory Care in the future. Sell the house. Your POA should give you that ability. Sorry, Mom can no longer make decisions concerning her life. It's now you. Toughen up. I did what I needed to do and I refuse to feel any guilt for those decisions, right or wrong.
Maybe this is just a case of we are missing information here. I surely do hope so.
I am also questioning how you and your sister dealt with the detox. Can you fill in those missing pieces? She should still be considered an addict so I am not surprised she is angry. I also should ask is why AL? She is not locked down and can still get access to opiates. She may not be safe yet
see my thread :
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/t-60-days-then-if-no-improvement-moving-to-drop-poa-487163.htm?orderby=recent�
but you and her sister have no obligation to do anything you don’t feel is right
and as Alva said , if it’s unwise in a fiscal sense , you have duty to NOT do it
That being said, if your sister has POA & you have Medical POA, by law you have the authority to sell her old house without her needing to be involved. Same goes for the medical needs she has or will have. Unfortunately, getting her to understand that she is not being nice or cooperative is never going to happen. Best of luck. Hope you have support close by. Use it.
There is an excellent book that helped me through my adventure: The 36-Hour Day. It explains a lot and offers guidance on navigating this disease.
Currently, I’m helping my 90-year-old dad who has vascular dementia.
You will feel guilty no matter what you do. Your mom is not well and therefore angry. All you can do is make the best decisions you can for her to keep her safe and as healthy as possible. You cannot make her happy. She is so lucky to have you!
You can’t make her happy.
Assisted Living is private pay. The price you pay coincides with the quality of care provided. Therefore, if the equity in the house is needed to pay for a good assisted living facility, sell the house.
You never ever ever take direction from a person with dementia.
You take control.
You listen or show compassion and then when they start acting out, you leave for a short time. You do not stay there and take it.'
You do what you need to do for her best care.
It will serve you well to educate yourself on what dementia is, how the brain is affected, and how to communicate with a person disoriented, confused, angry.
You never argue. You say 'okay, I hear you" then you do what is needed.
Expect her to continue to be angry ' kicking and screaming.'
She doesn't realize that what you are doing is for her / in her best interest.
Give yourself time outs (as many as needed).
Hire caregivers as you need/can afford to do.
You do not ask her what she wants, you tell her
"This is a temporary situation ..." (to ease her anger, displeasure)
"We are doing ..." "If it doesn't work out, we'll try something else."
"I know how you feel" (show empathy - although NOT while she's having a tandrum).
You can be compassionate and set clear boundaries. You have to.
And, it is an art form.
I am not sure what to think about the boyfriend. He sounds a bit of a red flag to me. You are a really good daughter (?). This is not easy to deal with.
I just purchased the 36 Hour Day. It is 'good' for caregivers in your situation needing support. A bit basic for me although perhaps a good reference. I studied dementia / brain changes with Teepa Snow for almost two years, years ago. I've been offering care mgmt (15+ years) and have worked with all levels of dementia / elders. I learned how to set boundaries before I started doing this work. Unfortunately, many family members do not and/or are triggered with the relationship dynamics from perhaps childhood.
It is not an easy road.
Take care of yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters