How do I confront my husband about the decline I am seeing?

When my husband retired 10 years ago, I noticed changes in his mental status immediately. He was inert, quiet, & uninterested in things he used to enjoy. At his next appointment I went with & mentioned this to the MD. She did a brief assessment & prescribed an an antidepressant. He was reluctant at first, but did start taking it because he has respect for this MD & has some health care knowledge. What a difference!! Within a few weeks, I had my husband back! My point is that depression can mimic dementia in some cases & maybe that's the problem. Prior to medication, I had never seen him like this. And he had looked forward to retirement because his job situation had become intolerable.

My mom also had dementia (never precisely diagnosed) but it was one of her problems. She would not accept help & showed poor judgement in many things. I worried myself to death, & finally decided that I could not control everything in the world, so if she fell or did something foolish, I would just let it happen. Fortunately I had managed to get both parents into assisted living, but staff were not omnipresent.

Dad is lucid & sharp for a 92-year-old, but is legally blind & hard of hearing. He finally quit driving when we emphasized that if he had a wreck, he could hurt someone else which he would have to live with.

A huge red flag for dementia is when the checking account gets an overdraft notice. This is how my BIL found out his wife had Alzheimer's as she used to balance a checkbook to the penny.

You have no choice. If you want to survive and continue to live, then you must take action. First of all, enlist the help of a doctor. Then the doctor should confront him. Make him understand. Then you can confront him as well. And tell him tht under no circumstances will you accept or allow this behavior - you can't do it all alone. And if starts yelling and screaming, do NOT allow that. I would tell him off that he is not showing you respect and is making you feel like dirt because he yells and screams. And if he will speak quietly and calmly, you are willing to work things out with him. if he doesn't stop, walk away and stop doing a solitary thing for him - and I mean nothing - pretend he is not there. If he then starts up, repeat - he must listen and discuss - no if's, and's or buts. If it still does not help, then face the fact you better make plans to get him out of your sight and home into a place where he will be cared for. But see the doctor and seek advice of an eldercare attorney. Do NOT allow his behavior to destroy you.

It isn't always easy to get someone to a doctor for checkup, but in his case that would be where to start. If at all possible, discuss with his doctor beforehand, explaining the differences in demeanor. Too many doctors don't spend enough time during exams and also don't know the person well enough to see the changes (also, many people, including early dementia patients, can pull up their socks and appear normal during that brief visit!) If he generally goes for checkups without issue, make an appointment and let the doctor examine him. There can be other causes for these changes in behavior. Also ensure they have some one-on-one time, so hubby can perhaps feel freer to be honest? There are other conditions that can present with dementia-like symptoms, but most of these can be treated. It could just be depression, having left behind his daily routine of working - some people seriously miss that (not me!)

I saw the early signs with mom (she lived alone), such as repetitive statements/questions, problems paying bills, not really cooking, etc. I also noted by observation and some feedback from a neighbor that she was self-isolating. The ladies would always go to the Senior Center with bells on, especially the free meals from time to time. She started to make lame excuses and not go.

For those who mentioned hearing loss/issues - there is speculation that hearing loss can contribute to developing dementia (MidKid58 - have seen some of your posts in other threads. Considering his mother has dementia AND hearing loss, there may be a connection! It is a shame that he doesn't even want to try - keep working on him!) Our mom had a correctable hearing issue, but chose not to have the surgery. Now her hearing is really bad AND she forgets to put the aids and/or batteries in!

Keep in mind that Alzheimer's is just one form of dementia. Dementia is the umbrella over all the cognitive disorders. We never got a real Dx for mom, just knew that she had dementia (likely vascular.)

Denial is not just the name of a river in Africa. The problem with those who have dementia, there is no point in trying to reason or argue this (or any) topic. It is a futile effort and can result in anger, frustration and burn out. Sometimes, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone, you just have to go along with it.

Mom is/was adamant that she is fine, independent, can take care of herself and cook. Nope. Anything came up about memory, she would just say she's old, so she is entitled to forget some things (was just over 90 at that point.) There is forgetting things and there is can't remember what you just said or did, can't process cooking (microwave dinners, and packaged stuff in a box is not cooking!) and cannot manage finances is a whole different category! We do NOT mention anything having to do with memory with her.

For those who have issues with the mail, bills, debit cards, etc, I think dazednconfused covered it well:

"I have two suggestions that might help with some of the challenges. One- a post office box and have all your mail directed there. Two- open another account with very limited funds and get a debit card for it that is his alone. Then hide all your other accounts. That way he will feel he has some money and yet if he overspends since it is a debit card it won't be accepted."

As soon as you get your PO Box, fill out the change of address form, sending all mail to the box. Be aware that this is only good for 1 year. You will need to contact all the important entities (billers, insurance, credit cards, SS, etc) and have them change your address to the PO Box.

For the new account/debit, ensure there is NO overdraft protection. Some banks will "float" the overage, leaving you with a negative balance and FEES!

Sorry, I meant my message to go to GreenPenny, though Nancy can read it too!

Nancy, my husband retired nearly 4 months ago at 61, and it has been rough. He is on the couch most of the time as it is Winter and not much to do. He became obsessed with taking his blood pressure a couple of months ago, and when it went up in the evening he checked it more and more, getting more anxious with each reading until he had me take him to the ER...they thought he might be having a heart attack and raced him by ambulance,( a $1,800. bill insurance did not pay), to the hospital for a heart catheter to determine blockage. There was thankfully no blockage or heart attack, but this was a very expensive panic attack due to his obsessing over his BP. We still don't know how much the insurance will cover with the hospital. I am constantly finding little things for him to do around the house. He talked about quitting for years...and then this. I am hoping he will adjust soon, and I hope your husband adjusts with more little things to do if he does not have a big hobby. My husband is learning the hard (and expensive), way. I wish you all the best while your husband adjusts to this change.

Also remember that retirement is a big change in every way, and can cause depression. It can take time to adjust to retirement, and will be easier if he has interests and hobbies. Just another thing to consider.

Get your husband a full mental and physical evaluation.

I'm in the what's happening zone. Mom is 86 and I'm 55. In perhaps less than one month mom has

1) went overdrawn at the bank because she made the rent check out for the wrong amount ( all this for the first time in her life ), 2) accepted a bottle of rum from someone before I intervened ( mom takes the opiate Percocet daily for excrutiating spinal pain and knows better ), 3) come in from cold damp weather in a euphoria saying "it's a sultry day."

I also feel like everything, and I mean everything, she tells me is a lie.

Mom also suffers from Lupus and I don't know if I am seeing psychiatric issues.

Currently, I'm recovering from yet another bout of asthmatic bronchitis, am out of work, broke, exhausted, and have heart disease that appears to run in the family. Together we keep the roof over our heads, etc.

Are your husband and my mom in the same place? I feel completely unequipped to handle this. Financially, we are both unequipped to handle this.

Get the doctor involved. There’s a neuropsychological exam to document decline in memory and cognition.
Don’t try to address his decline by yourself with him. It will certainly result in anger. If driving is an issue, discuss it with the doctor what the next step should be.

I wouldn't first jump to the conclusion of Alzheimer's or dementia. I would have a solid physical exam and find out what's going on with him. You need some answers from a medical professional. I'm no expert, but this also sounds like depression. Men don't do well without a purpose. As far as confronting him, without good evidence and proof you will get anger. Work with his physician as a team and go on from there.

This is it, girl. You need to face it's not going to get better. As a young woman of 65 you need to make some decisions for yourself. For him, the driving is the most important. Has he seen a neurologist? They will test him to see if he is capable of driving. They may give him some pills which may help his overall well being. This is a degenerative thing. The medication may slow it down. You should see about the driving because you and others may become hurt as well as himself. It is not your fault. Stay strong and do what you must for both of you.

Our situations are almost identical.  I am 68 and my husband is 79.  Before dementia raised its ugly head my husband was mildly controlling, snarky, and silent.  I too am concerned about his ability to be cognitive when driving, his decision making is askew  - he now wants to sell the house and move closer to the city,   He was always sharing all the responsibilities of the house plus he paid all the bills.  We've been married for 48 years.  Now I find him sitting in front of the TV 10 - 12 hrs a day watching Fox News,  His neurologist  (he's had 2) tells him what's coming.  The neurologist told him to exercise every day, put puzzles together, keep his mind active.  My husband does none of these things.  When he was well he was a health fanatic.  Now he wants candy and junk food.  I now pay the bills, take care of the repairs to the house, order tires for the cars, pay bills and do everything I can to make Ron's life seem normal.  He has become somewhat distant, yells at me for trying to help him remember, and he's sarcastic if I try to help him do a task like use a debit card,   The only relief I have now is he isn't controlling.  I cry a lot.  Our world has turned upside down.  My husband also had 2 mini strokes which is what he chooses to be the cause of his memory failing, not dementia.  He doesn't want that word used at all.  He keeps telling me he's coming back.  I started 4 weeks ago giving him 300 mg of CBD capsules which are 100% pure.  I have seen a change in his social skills to the good, he's now washing dishes, doing his own laundry, he's driving better, takes our yorkies out, and has long conversations with me but he still can't work our stove, computer, iPhone, microwave, etc.  I buy the CBD capsules from an herbologist in another State.  I'm going to continue giving him the CBD capsules for aother couple of weeks.  It is expensive  - $400/mo.
Joni

I care for my husband who has dementia. A complicated, unpredictable disease as we all know. We focus on skills to improve rather than bring up this horrible disease. Even the Neurologist is not bringing it up during the visit/exam.
I realized my husband is coping by “ anosognosia”, choosing to believe he is OK with some difficulties!!! I now know not to discuss it anymore. He does not remember, he does not get it and he is happy most of the time, believing that he is improving...He was an electrical engineer, successful, handy, hard working. Now, his world has shrunk terribly, and his many talents disappeared.
He wants to help and I let him if it is safe like washing the dishes. He loves that because he feels successful at something. Very sad but I am always accepting and adjusting.
Finally, through Doctors’ intervention, the DMV suspended his Licence. We mailed it back together. I removed the car keys.
I told him the Motor Vehicle asked for them.
I removed the credit cards and I provide him with cash. So far it is working, until the next crisis...

We are not the good team we were for many decades.
I am not a wife anymore, only on paper and in memories and pictures... I am now a Nurse, a Manager and a Mama.

Stay strong and hold your ground!
This shall pass too.
Hugs 🤗

Lots of Alzheimers patients are misdiagnosed. Cerebral vascular dementia is very common as are many other types of dementia. My husband has a history of brain injury and surgery. Dementia is inevitable and has started, and he is well aware of it but still in denial. It terrifies him. After bringing it up several times and encouraging him to see a neuropsychologist or neuropsychiatrist we have tabled the issue at the insistance of his best friend. He is a good man, a great husband, and I will simply retire earlier than originally planned so that we can move on to the next phase of life. It will be challenging for both of us and I will have to plan our lives so that he can function for as long as possible, including downsizing earlier than we might have just to simplify life and moving to an area where we won't have to drive. I will also give up driving, claiming that we don't need the expense of a car and insurance and that walking is better for us anyway. I am fortunate that my husband is very bright and understands the value of prevention. He is willing to take nutritional supplements, work to improve his nutrition overall and exercise regularly. All research indicates that good nutrition and regular exercise is the best treatment for any type of dementia, and the best prevention for those at risk.

Greenpenny... If you feel that your husband is declining cognitively, you might want to start in a couple different directions right now. What I mean is that if you start planning for other things, it might ease your mind from your present situation. For example, you could (on your own) start looking at nursing homes. Just by getting involved with the process will help you. Knowledge is power. Don’t leave things for the last moment. Also, if you feel his decline is cognitive, get with a practitioner of the Dr Dale Bredesen ReCODE protocol. Dr Bredesen has a 90% cure rate for Alzheimer’s. Many (most?) MDs have no clue about this protocol and probably have no interest in learning. I am seeing a practitioner to prevent Alzheimer’s, as I was my mom’s caregiver. Go to www.drbredesen.com and get started. If cannot find a practioner of the ReCODE protocol and are within an hour or two of the Philadelphia area, I would encourage you to get in to get in touch with Dr Reina Marino of the Marcus Institute of Integrative Health. She is my doctor and is well worth the four-hour round trip. You can also find her at www.drreinamarino.com. Getting back to your original question, having these discussions with a man or woman who is in decline is very hard. Quite often, they simple don’t get what you are saying or will forget the discussion by the next day...or next hour. Also, what you are saying frightens them. The more they lash out, the more afraid they are. When you talk about things, make sure there are no other distractions, such as a TV on. Perhaps a discussion at breakfast would be good, as his mind might be more fresh. Plan your questions ahead of time. Form them in ways in which he can answer with a simple yes or no. For example, don’t ask “how are you feeling today?”. Ask “do you feel well today?”. See the difference?! Again, plan your questions and do NOT have a lot of questions in any one sitting. If he has cognitive decline, long drawn out discussions are going to be difficult for him, and it will just make him unwilling to talk in the future and will ratchet up his fear. I wish you all the best. If he has Alzheimer’s, you must take action NOW before it gets worse. Check out Dr Bredesen and/or Dr Marino. Take good care of yourself in all of this. I don’t know how to private message me, but if you can figure it out, go ahead and contact me. Tell Agingcare that it is OK to reach me. I have never done a private message on this site, so I cannot advise, as I type this. Hang in there. Many of us have gone through what you are going through. There IS light at the end of that proverbial tunnel, but you must take action. Remember, your husband is probably very much afraid even if he does not admit it. Be kind to him and to yourself.

He knows.
And I bet he has been covering symptoms for quite a number of years. (I have read that it is often as long as 10 years that people are able to mask, hide, work around problems they have been experiencing)
First thing, your family doctor. discuss depression, very common when someone retires and now finds themselves with less to do. (You used to go to work where you were "needed" now you are not needed in the same way it can be a difficult adjustment)
Then discuss the memory issues. Get a referral to a neurologist or a neuro-psychologist to discuss issues.
And you both might want to take one of those driving classes, it will give you a good indication as to what is going on and it might reduce your insurance rate.

The anger issue if that is new it might be related to the depression, it could also be an indication of a type of dementia. (Umbrella term for all types) At this point it might be beneficial to diagnose the type of dementia.

but I am sure he is well aware of what is going on. It is possible that it has gotten tot he point where he can no longer mask the symptoms or since he is around more you are noticing them. Or a combination of the two.

Is there a geriatrician that specializes in memory in your area? That may be the way to go. They are experts on older adults and will
clean up his medication list. They try to stabilize mood and treat the dementia. There are many causes of dementia. They are not all treated the same way.
Another great resource is support groups for dementia caregivers. Also, there are programs available to learn about these diseases. Your local area agency on aging can help guide you.
It takes a village to care for a dementia patient. A nurse care manager may be a place to start. That could be the beginning of your team.
Good luck.

Losing interest with daily routines may be an early sign of Alzheimer's.
It would not hurt to see a neurologist since he is still ambulatory, and you may want to see an eldercare attorney to get your affairs in order, establish POA, and so on.

Hi GreenPenny. I'm very sorry you are going through this. Even though your mother had dementia, caring for a spouse is a whole different dynamic. It's much more depressing and difficult, as you are losing a partner, and their finances are tied up with yours unlike most parents'. My husband is 15 years older. I'm 57 and very healthy.  He retired a few years ago, and I thought won't it be great when I get home from work, and there's a meal on the table sometimes or the house is clean. Well, that literally never happened.  He had heart disease from years back, triple bypass when he was about 40, GERD for most of his life (just had a Hiatal Hernia surgery - against his oncologist and neurologist's recommendations, but doesn't listen to anyone), has Stage 4 Prostate Cancer with mets to para aortic lymph nodes, and now dementia/most likely Alzheimer's. Upon diagnosis last year, he had already lost most of his ability to reason well.  Little things that had happened or that were said began to add up; and we saw the neurologist and had the "draw the clock" and simple tests but also a brain MRI which indicated temporal and frontal lobe shrinkage.  He was then sent to an OT for a driving evaluation which he failed; the neurologist had told him not to drive until that test was done.  That was a battle that lasted 5 days for me, and sent my anxiety through the roof.  I had to tell him over and over the doctor said not to drive and insurance will not cover any accident if you do!  Still wouldn't listen and would argue. I told him I'm not going to argue anymore, call the doctor and argue with her.  I finally got intervention to get him to quit driving, a brother-in-law with a strong personality came over to help. Still, when I told him to give me the keys, he did, but got angry and said I don't trust him. I calmly said, "no, I don't trust the disease; it's not a character flaw." Currently, he gets a friend to take him to the store, and he thinks he is contributing by buying "basics," even though he doesn't cook, so that contribution is limited since he doesn't have a clue what is  needed much of the time. Rightly or wrongly, I quit taking him to church and on most outings, because the behavior is just plain embarrassing. He currently stays home, as does my 93 year old father while I am at work. My Dad is as healthy as a 93 year old can possibly be, except for limited vision.  My husband is slowing down bit by bit, has difficulty finding words, and it's a challenge to communicate with him. Conversations become circular, saying the same things over and over, and often making no sense.  He's also very emotional, silly, immature. I don't look forward to the battle about giving me the debit and credit cards one day; that will surely be a fight as he is almost addicted to going on outings with this friend of his. The friend is 81, and my husband is 72. They go to 4 AA meetings a week, a couple bank trips, and several grocery store trips. That's more than I get out and I work; pretty sure they're just addicted to "going."  Another battle was to get him to quit looking at the mail while I am at work. He now puts it on the desk, although with dementia, behavior and cooperation can change any day! He was getting emotional about all the charitable solicitation things coming in the mail; calendars, notepads, etc. and wanting to send everyone money.  I told him we cannot afford it; that his medical care is going to be exhorbitantly expensive, which is true. In a nutshell, reasoning is gone, this is not fun, and I fear the future. I currently try really hard to focus on my health, exercise and try to get out with friends and my daughters. It's hard feeling stuck like this having to care for him, and he incidentally was a very selfish and self-centered husband before these last few years of illnesses began. I wish you well. Unfortunately, we're on the same journey, and it's a very rough ride.  Private message me if you like. Any time.

You know,my mother, IN MC, says so awful for the men. Why are they different? Then she would launch into tirade against us. Until Abilify. Made all the difference in the world.



Op, at some point you have to confront what you are seeing daily. Hoping it goes away is something we, many us did, but it got to the point where one could not rationalize anymore. LO jeopardized safety, finances, other people, if still driving. I know this is hard. I do. We do. But at some point you have to take the bull by the horns. It is unpleasant, a battle, harsh things said, accusations made--terrible ones at that. Has he accused you of cheating on him? That could happen. I wish you the best here.

Are there guns in the house?

I was friends with an older lady who tried her hardest not to put her husband in a facility. He was clearly suffering from advanced dementia, knowing what I now know.

There was some smart Azz young
Man who knowing nothing, played to the husband fears that his wife was cheating on him. Told him repair man took her into bedroom. That's all the husbsnd needed. Attacked with a hammer. It did not end well.

This is difficult but can go south so quickly. Best of luck to you.

The sad thing is that some people do not know that their thinking is wonky. That's why they argue, they can't see it. It is super frustrating and there is no winning, you are playing two entirely different games when this is the case.

My dad swears up and down nothing is wrong with him. Yet everyone that talks to him can tell something is wrong. Does he know and is in denial? Your guess is as good as mine, he has his story and he is sticking to it, come what may. Ugh!

If you feel like the NP treated you poorly I would find a different provider, she will cause you more heartache than she will ever help. I had a PT do the clock test and told my dad he doesn't have Alzheimers or dementia, regardless that the brain scan showed a walnut in his head where his brain is. That caused untold arguments, so be sure and start this process with a doctor that knows what they are talking about.

Best of luck, not an easy situation for sure.

My Dh is there.

But he is aware he's slipping. It's been going on for some time, and is in large part due to the fact he is very deaf and is missing so many of the clues that hearing imparts (I am thinking of the "lights and siren" cop chase we were involved in last week---he simply did not hear the cop....and I didn't say anything b/c I wanted him to have to see for himself that this is IMPORTANT to be able to hear the best you can).

He sat in the car and said "She didn't even have the siren on!" And I said, "Well, I heard it" He disagreed, of course, so when she came back with the "warning" he asked her if she'd had the siren on and she said "Yes, sir, I did."

Couple days later he talked about not being able to be so quick on the draw at work with problems that come up (he's an electrical engineer and has always been top of his game). I agreed that yes, I had noticed his increasing forgetfulness, but as he doesn't listen to me, I had not made a big deal of it. All I said was "You do realize that you forget something every single day of work and on trips?" He did agree, and I know it's bothering him.

I guess this isn't a hill I'm willing to die on. He barely hears and I really think that he would feel better if he could hear what's going on. He refuses hearing aids and so that is a moot point.

I honestly do not know what to do--as you don't. DH has had a couple of concussions in the past couple of years and they DID thorough exams. That doesn't always give the answer. I think it's more the day to day forgetfulness that slowly slides into dementia or just plain "battiness".

None of us knows what's in store. His mother is as batty as they come--but is also as deaf and seeing the two of them together is like an "aha" moment. He acts just like she does.

If DH wants to talk about it--do. That's not very helpful, I know, but every person I know who has some type of dementia has had a period of time when they "knew"--whether or not they "remember". DH is quite depressed about getting old. I did tell him the alternative was probably "worse". I don't know what he EXPECTED getting older to be like!

Greenpenny, although you apparently take offense to Glad’s advice about not “confronting” him, she's right. Even having a “discussion” with him may prove fruitless. What do you expect him to say or do? Do you want him to admit he’s in decline? Or say he’ll try to do better?

Although your mother suffered from Alzheimer’s, understand that no two people travel this journey the same way. My mom was nasty, delusional, hallucinatory and combative. My father-in-law was bewildered and lost in his disease. Admitting one has a “problem” like Alzheimer’s solves few of the issues. It’s not like a nicotine or alcohol addiction where one can go to rehab. It’s not like Chicken Pox where one breaks out, goes to the doctor and eventually gets better.



Firstly, your husband needs to be formally diagnosed by a neurologist. If his evaluations show he does suffer from it, it will be the elephant in the room but one doesn’t need to constantly call attention to it. One handles it by making sure paperwork is in order such as POA and estate planning. Others have suggested on this site that having the physician speak with the person who has become a danger on the road can help. Keys may need to be hidden. He may be able to handle some decisions on his own for the time being. As time goes on, you will handle more and more of them.

Frankly, if he does have Alzheimer’s and you already find yourself at the “end of (your) sanity”, you may want to explore other living arrangements for him now. This can be a long road, and it only gets worse. Caregiving for an Alzheimer’s patient is a huge undertaking.

Have you contacted his doctor?

Many, many years ago, I realized that my (first) husband had had a change in mental status and was reasoning in an entirely black and white way. I contacted the neurologist who was treating his seizure disorder. It turned out that there was new literature on this med that indicated that long term use could cause personality changes.

The doc contacted his patient and asked him to come in based on " new information". To this day ( 30 years later) he doesn't know what prompted that med change.

My husband hasn't been diagnosed. I indicated I was interested in that topic. I never said that this is his problem. I intimately know Alzheimers from beginning to end as my mother had it.
As far as confront/versus discuss rationally, you are talking semantics, I'm looking for advice from someone who had had to have this difficult discussion. (My mother never admitted she had a problem, BTW)

Do not confront, that indicates argument. Instead discuss rationally, maybe a marriage counselor. Does hubby volunteer or anything at all? That would help.

I see from your profile that he has Alzheimer's has he actually been diagnosed? If he has Alzheimer's you will not be able to reason or explain anything to him. An Alzheimer's brain can not process the information that you want to discuss. It will only cause frustration and anger for him.