Hi,
First time poster, but I have been reading a great deal of content from this site since my mother started having problems. She's 73, not been diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's, but is suspected of having it. We're in the process of getting her Medicare because my dad's family healthcare is no longer valid after he changed jobs and his new job does not offer family care. So she's been without insurance for some time now, and in that time she's developed many of the signs and symptoms associated with dementia/Alzheimer's. It's gotten very bad, very quickly, and sadly it only seems to be getting worse. I'm desperate to get her healthcare so I can get her to a doctor and see if there is some form of treatment, though as I have said I am using this site for advice and reference material as much as possible.
My mother's at the point now where she barely knows who I am, or at least who I am in relation to her. I'm her friend sometimes and her worst enemy at others, but never her son. When she takes a turn she calls me every name in the book, and I do what I can to brush it off, but after a while it starts to wear you down and I'm finding myself needing an outlet of some sort to get things off of my chest so I don't let go at her one day, because no matter what it's not her fault she's dealing with this. Enough about me, though, that's not what I'm here for.
In recent times her bad turns have become very bad. She's verbally abusive to me most of the time, and that's fine, I can deal with that, but when we're out and I'm taking her for a drive to calm her down or to take her to one of her favourite shops, she's started getting very irritated at me to the point that she keeps begging me to pull over and let her out. When I don't, she gets more angry and, when the car stops at a light or a stop sign, she'll open the door and try to get out. I typically have to jolt the car forward or make a right turn as quickly as traffic will allow to keep her in, and it's reached the point where when taking her to a restaurant at times she'll get up mid meal and storm off. Not every time, but sometimes. It leaves me in the awkward situation of having to chase after her, but also settle the bill as quickly as possible, or if we're at a fast food place, dumping whatever food we have left and running after her. I then have to endure more and more of the vitriol she slings at me, accusing me of everything from stealing from her to having multiple girlfriends that I mess around with (...I don't even have one at this point in time...) and whatever other story she can come up with. She's also stuck in her childhood when it comes to her home. She grew up in a children's home and she still thinks she lives there, even though she left it 56 years ago and has had a wonderful life spread throughout the globe. We live in the US (Arizona) at the moment, but she constantly thinks she's back home in Scotland and has to get home to the children's home she was raised in. When she doesn't get to go there, even though she's at home with all of her belongings around her, she goes off again. As I'm the primary caregiver at this stage, I'm the main focus of her anger, so I write it off and try to calm her down, but it's getting harder and harder to bring her back to reality, and I'm coping with it less and less myself because it's just getting too much. I can't put her in a care facility because she was raised in a children's home when she was young and I just can't see her end up in a place like that at the tail end, as well. That's not fair to her and it's my biggest fear with what's going on.
So I'm just looking for any advice or tips on ways to calm someone down who is reaching these sorts of stages. Anything at all helps, I could just use some advice.
I understand that Mom was raised in a Children’s Home,. But, she has become a danger to herself and those around her. Just my humble opinion, but I would file for Medicaid for her and get her to a doctor for a formal diagnoses and cafe plan. You cannot live like this indefinitely. One day, you will snap, or she will. You need to get her medical help. While writing to us to “vent” is fine, nothing will change unless you become proactive about getting her help. Mom’s mental condition will continue to deteriorate and one day, something traumatic or even tragic could happen.
Thank you for your response! Perhaps I'm giving the wrong impression when I say turning a corner or jolting on the gas. I mean as soon as she opens the door, and her seatbelt is always still fastened. I would never willingly risk the life of my mother by putting her at risk of injury or falling out of the car! You're right, though, if I can find a way to get her into the back seat of the car and engage the child locks that would be ideal. The only problem is that she gets car sick in the back of cars, and so I will need to look into a solution for that, as well. As far as my own temper is concerned, I can moderate myself just fine around her. The problems come when things build up and I have no way to let it out. That's my own issue and I will find a way to deal with that, but I have not and do not let go while my mother is nearby.
Thank you for the advice, I will definitely be looking into all options that are available to us now that I've gathered a few more ideas from here. You're correct that things cannot continue as they are, it's becoming too much for her and too much for me, so I am open to as many options as I can find.
Thanks for your response and your frankness, I appreciate it!
Thank you for the response, I do agree the child locks sound like a good idea. I have to find some way of making that work, but she has always gotten car sick riding in the back of a car, so I'll also have to figure out something for that, too.
It's not that she derives no pleasure from going for a ride, quite the opposite, it calms her down a lot of the time just being out and seeing the scenery. Unfortunately in recent times it's so happened that she's worked herself up during a drive that this happens. It's not an everyday thing, which is why I still take her out, it's just obviously quite concerning when it does happen.
You are right, it is past time now where she should be seen by a professional and hopefully have some form of treatment. We are working on that as best as possible and the advice I've gathered from here already is giving me new areas to look into. I will be doing that as soon as possible.
Thanks for your response, I sincerely appreciate it!
Does Mom collect SS? Did she work in the States 40 quarters (10 yrs)? If not then she never paid into Medicare and may not be able to receive it.
If she does receive SS when did she start getting it? If at 62, then Medicare is automatic at 65. If she took it at 63 or 64 its automatic. If she took it at 65 then Medicare should have been done at the same time. If 66 then she needed to apply for it at 65. If she is entitled to it, taking it at 73 is going to have penalties.
And now she is showing signs of Dementia which u cannot get a formal diagnosis because she has no insurance.
You need to talk to Medicare but u do realize that it only covers 80% and the doctor has to except Medicare. Another option would be Medicaid for her health insurance. But you need to find out about Medicare first but Medicaid could be her supplimental.
I recommend that when driving with Mom, you put her in the back seat and put the child locks on. Same with the windows.
Thank you for your response! She didn't take medicare at 65 because she still had full insurance through my dad's work. It's only at this new job that they are not offering a proper medical plan (he is also uninsured at the moment), and we are somewhat scrambling to figure out what to do, which is why we're in a bit of a mess. My father is 62 and does not have medicare at this point in time, either.
My mother does not collect SS, she tried applying for it when she was 65 but hit problems because of my dad's age. I wasn't with her at that point, so I don't know the specifics, but it seems the people trying to deal with her were actually giving her a bit of a runaround and she just sort of gave up on it at that point. She has not paid in herself (she's been a housewife since she had children), but I believe my dad did pay in for her, then again I don't know much about the SS system in general, so I don't know if that is how it works (we're British, we're somewhat stumbling in the dark when it comes to all of this because we've not dealt with it from the US perspective before).
I do want to get her on Medicare as quickly as possible, it's just something I've never dealt with before, so getting her approved has proven to be quite the tricky business. We applied online but were told that was not the way to do it, and so got rejected, now we're trying to get her down to the SS office near us to apply in person, but that has obvious difficulties when it comes to her and being present. I do know it only covers 80% and will try to sort out supplemental when possible, but right now my main concern is getting her some kind of coverage so I can get her to a doctor. I have considered Medicaid and have applied for it and the Long Term Care version offered through Arizona's AHCCCS program at the recommendation of a social worker I was talking to while in the hospital recently. Waiting to hear back from them at this point in time.
That would be a good idea with the car, having her ride in the back. The only problem is that she gets car sick in the back of cars, has done her entire life. I'll have to look into ways of sorting that out, but it would definitely help having the child locks on. Thank you for that tip!
Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it!
This is a long hard road that for you and mom seems to be rapidly progressing. Has she been checked for a UTI? Test kits are sold in drug stores. UTI's can cause symptoms you are seeing and not necessarily the pain often associated with them.
Thanks for your response! I do my best to avoid any confrontational behaviour around her at any time. When someone has an argument with me, I try to get them to follow me out of the room to sort it out, so that she does not have to be around it. The problem we're having is that quite literally anything can be a trigger for her. A simple misspoken word, driving past a car accident on the roads, certain forms of trees, or even responding agreeing with her. Anything can cause her to go off if she's looking for it, and yes I do absolutely try to keep all conversations with her light hearted and fun, or change the subject if she starts getting a bit angry, but that does not always work. She's always had a spirited personality, and sadly that seems to be exacerbated now that things are progressing with this. I've known about not trying to reason with her or argue with her when she gets going, so I don't do that, but things still manage to trigger her.
I appreciate the advice and suggestions for the YouTube channel, I will absolutely look into that ASAP!
She has actually been tested for a UTI recently, which came back negative. It's something we were concerned about right at the start, but it appears not to be a factor.
Thanks again for your response, I sincerely appreciate it!
Call your local Area Agency on Aging, or whatever social services for elders are called where you live - you can look them up online - explain the situation as regards your mother's medical insurance, and ask them how you can get her examined by a qualified practitioner urgently.
Institutions such as the one you imagine your mother's having been raised in do not exist any longer. And even if they did, your mother would still have you as her primary caregiver and advocate. There will never be circumstances in which you will be forced to abandon her to some soulless care home. So stop being afraid of that, and instead wake up to the risk being posed to her, you and others by leaving her unassessed and untreated.
What the heck is your father thinking, by the way, while all this is going on? How come you are your mother's main caregiver? And how old is he, that he has just taken on a new job with inferior benefits to the last one?
Thank you for your response, I understand and appreciate the gravity of the situation, and will be reaching out to whatever resources I can find. I still have reservations about care facilities, but I will do research on them because you are absolutely correct, it's not healthy to keep going the way things are going now. I appreciate the frankness of your response, and yes, I will be looking at all options at this point.
As for my father, he's 62 and a computer programmer, this new company is on the smaller side and they do not offer health insurance options at this stage. I don't know the specifics, unfortunately, but that's what I've been lead to understand. He took the job because his old job was a contract that was expiring, versus a permanent position with this new company, and he was unaware that the healthcare options were so limited.
Thanks again for your response, I sincerely appreciate it!
It probably is time for a facility, sadly. At best they will try to medicate her to change her behavior. At worst she would be so medicated she would look like she was catatonic. Good luck to you. You're going to need it.