How can you help a husband with depression that refuses to go to the doctor?

First, put your own oxygen mask on. Depression is a treatable condition. Get treatment for yours. This is a good example for your husband and you will be able to cope better when feel better about yourself.

Then, consider your options. If talking it over with his son might help him, do it!

The husband of a dear friend of mine was depressed and refused to consider treatment. They'd been through a lot together. He'd helped her through some tough times. She did every thing she could think of to convince him he needed treatment. Finally she decided that although she loved him she could not live her life this way. She divorced him and got on with her own life. The really strange thing is that he improved on his own. He pursued some interests in the community and became more active in general.

My own husband was depressed after a head injury. He just wasn't himself for nearly a year. He claimed he couldn't be depressed because he wasn't sad. A psychiatrist explained to him how the injury changed the chemistry in his brain, and that he would probably need an anti-depressant the rest of his life. That little pill gave me back my husband.

Depression is not your husband's fault. It is treatable. Refusal to consider treatment is his fault -- that is, he does have control over that. If he won't do this for you, you have some hard decisions to make.

But first, seek treatment yourself.

Goodness, how terribly hard it must be!! :(
Has this been a lifetime thing, or has it come on fairly suddenly (after an accident, after a prolonged illness, inability to do many of the old things he used to?)?
Does he have a primary care physician that you can make an appointment with? That would be where I would start if it were me. You could call the doctor's office and discuss your concerns with them first. It may be that someone other than you (his sons or the doctor) can help him see how bad off he is, when he probably believes you have other intents. Most people that feel like they want to die actually believe the person they are closest to will be better off without them.
As a last resort, if he threatens suicide, call 911. He'll be terribly angry with you, but he may finally receive actual care.

I had to be so firm with my hubby...he was supremely depressed, he could work, as he LOVES his work, but he was so depressed that all he did other than work, was sleep. Sometimes as much as 4 days in a row. No matter how much he slept, he never felt any "better". He was moody, angry and just a pain to live with.

I also suffer from depression/anxiety. I have been on/off meds for 20+ years. I have a therapist and I go regularly, yet, I couldn't change or even help him.

It finally took tough love and a decision to leave him that pushed him into seeing a psychiatrist who also does therapy. LUCKILY it was a good match, personality wise, and she has been able to help him. He'd been on antidepressants, but the doc bumped up his dose and within a few weeks, he was perking up. I have noticed small changes, very slowly over the year (he started in January) and embrace each one with hope that there's more to come.

He'll never be a perky, outgoing, super affectionate guy--basically, he isn't the man I married, but he's doing better and as long as he continues to improve, I'll be grateful for it.

It did take the threat (and I would have divorced him had he chosen to not seek help) to leave that shook him up. I wish I had done this 10 years ago.

First, though, you do need to take care of yourself. Then you can weather what his "moods" may throw at you.

It's not an overnight cure. I know my hubby will never be the same as he used to be, but I can live with the man he's become.

Involve your kids if you need to. I have 5 kids, one will NOT speak of anything relating to our marriage, so I sought support from the kids who would give it. My Sons In Law have been the BEST..inviting him to go golf or fish or hike..things he loves but won't do alone. (No, he has no friends).

Best of luck to you--and just so you know--anger is most men's "go-to" emotion. It's "manly" and masks true emotions which they don't want to feel. Not personal to you, so don't take it as such.

Dear Pray8903,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, I know its not easy. I know its hard to be patient and supportive in this situation. I think your husband might be suffering from dementia, high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, or general age related depression.

My father was grumpy and it made it hard to help him. I don't know if you can get a doctor to come to the house to check on him. And if you can't, I hope you will get some help for yourself to help you cope. For myself, I wished I had sought out a support group or counselling, or tried to access more resources in the community for my dad. Thinking of you.

I think that you need to google helping a spouse with depression for there is a lot of information out there.

If you google this, you will see a long list. Part way down are two articles from psychcentral dot com, one in particular is about helping your husband. I would read those first. 

Thank you Midkid, and everyone!
The suggestions are going to help me to help my husband, I think.
Even though I have been told person's with Asperger's are not good candidates
for talk therapy, and medication in the past has just made him more silent,
I think it is time to get him to a psychiatrist again.

First of all, thank you all for your comments.
I talked to my husbands son yesterday & he told me that as long as he can remember even during his childhood that if something didn't go right his father would always say he wanted to die & wished he was dead. This was a eye opener. I was no aware of this. My husband & I have been married for 15 years & I didn't know this. His son told me when his dad starts the "I wished I was dead" stuff that he tells him to get off that crap & doesn't feed into it.
I think everyone is right about fixing myself first. I need to learn to deal with this and put myself out of the situation instead of feeding into it by crying & begging him to believe how loved he is. Maybe, just leave home & go for a ride or something.
Thank you all for your help & any more help I can get. I will post updates on how this works.
God Bless

I wish I could suffer from depression. But I can't. Everyone in my family and almost everyone I know is depressed to some degree. Someone has to be "not depressed".

My now deceased sister announced to the whole family one day, "My shrink says I'm probably bipolar". My mom, who has had a lifelong battle with depression replied, "Well who isn't ".

Mom and sis used to talk about suicide, don't want to live etc. we'd all get sucked in, OMG! NO! SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU ETC...

It took me a long time to understand tough love.

LOTS OF PEOPLE LOVE YOU AND WED SURE MISS YOU BUT I DONT BLAME YOU IF YOU WANT TO END IT. ITS YOUR DECISION.

But I caution. Make sure you know they are bluffing, looking for attention and sympathy. I'm in no way a professional. I'm just relating my personal experience.

"I wish I could suffer from depression. "

No you don't.

Cmag, you're right. That was a thoughtless comment. Well played sir......

Windyridge,
Trust me, you don’t want to suffer from depression. It’s a dark & lonely place to be but I also believe it can get fed into being larger than it really is. The worst combination for a person suffering from depression is another person suffering from depression. I knew people like that once & it was bad. They thrive on each other about whoa is me, life sucks & misc... I begged the person I was close to cut off that relationship, that they needed positive vibes in their life not more negative. That was probably the case with your mom & sister.
I do believe a person has got to want to be happy. Pull up their big girl/boy pants & find their treatment. It may be walking, hobbies or being around friends.
I believe I have probably fed into my husbands depression issues. Of the 15 years we’ve been married, I didn’t know he had said the “I want to die comments” all his life. He would get aggravated with something & say it from time to time but now it’s like a weekly occurrence. I believe I myself, has done all I can. I have to take care of myself & when those comments are made, just take myself out of the situation. Go for a walk, ride or to a friends house. Also, and do a lot of praying.

We have been able to get nurses and even doctors to the house. Contact your local hospitals and senior health services. This has been a great help to us.

Thank you

Depression sucks big time but if the person does not want to get better, it will not happen.

I caution people using words like "fault" -
More appropriate words could be:
a decision
a choice
behavior due to medical issues
Blaming doesn't do any good - for anyone;
taking responsibility does if a person has the mental capacity to do so.
Being aware of words / language we use is important. The last thing any of us want to do is exacerbate an already (potential) volatile situation. Gena

Sounds as though he isn't "hiding his crazy" any more. So sorry! I'd clue his son into his wild behaciors, and schedule a group meeting with you, him, and his son. a

I met my ex husband when I was 15 and we got married when I was 20. I had no idea that he had a history of chronic depression or that it ran in his family.
I believe his stemmed from having an overbearing, controlling and demanding father. He could do nothing right. His dad was very outgoing (to hide HIS insecurities and his depression) and my ex. husband was/is very introverted. You can imagine what a shock it was to find him sleeping 20 hours a day! He would go to work but then was exhausted (at 25 yrs. old). He also suffered horribly with migraines. He had few friends and didn't want to go out much, which got much worse as time went on. It got to the point (after 20 years) that we had no social life. He was content staying home and wanted me home also. I'm an outgoing person and, for me, this was h*ll. His saying was "I'm waiting to die." Sheesh, way too much for a young bride to handle.

I finally confronted him about it and said that I'd have to leave if he wasn't willing to try something. When we went to couples counseling, the therapist always wanted to see him for private therapy. He started taking antidepressants at my urging. However, he wasn't pleased with the side effects (along with the blood pressure meds, they caused sexual difficulty). They seemed to help him be a bit more outgoing but I think it would have been better to go to therapy for a longer time also.

I started forming a life of my own without my husband. I'd go out with my coworkers and other girlfriends and try to enjoy myself. I even ventured to Mexico to take a nurse's Spanish class with 5 coworkers. I had a ball. The black cloud over my house was gone and the sun was shining in other places!

Depressed people often think THEY are no good. He started accusing me of having affairs because he knew he wasn't making me happy. The truth is that I had never even looked at another man. This hurt me to the core. Everything that I had put up with, all our talks until 5 am, telling him how great he was and how much I loved him, made no difference. He stopped taking the medication, stating that he couldn't see any difference. Back to square 1.
I went alone to counseling one more time. She said,"You've been married 30 years. Look back on those years. Now, look ahead 30 years (I'd be 80). Do you want the next 30 years to be like the last 30?" The answer flew out of my mouth, "Oh, h*ll no!" She said, "There's your answer."
I left the marriage for good around our 30th anniversary. It was very sad and I told him it was my inability to conform to his lifestyle. I harbor no ill will against my ex. He has a "disease" and I can't fix it. But I needed to crawl out of that black hole to live what life I have left.
We still talk occasionally and he's a nice guy. I'm sure we'd still be married if he didn't have depression. That ruined everything.

I kept visiting Mexico and, two years later, met a wonderfully outgoing man. We dated (long distance) for a couple of years then I moved to Puerto Vallarta and later we got married. We had to move back to Tijuana (cheaper there than San Diego) 5 years ago because my mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I knew she'd need some help. I also needed to go back to work. Here I am, out of the black cloud but sad because Alzheimer's disease is destroying her life.

Pray, as I see it, you can grit your teeth and stay BUT form a life of your own. You should set boundaries for what behavior you'll accept from your husband, or you can leave. Either choice is horribly difficult. I would suggest you get into therapy and stay there until you feel better. God bless you.

I would speak to her son about what's going on and tell him what you told us here because maybe he'll listen to his son. If your husband is competent I'm not sure there's going to be much you can do unless he starts hurting himself or threatens to. If this happens, you can call 911 and have proper help come out and ask for people who deal with suicidal cases. They can make him go to a hospital. They can give him the ultimatum to either go voluntarily or they can call the squad out and they can take proper action and make him go. They can also help you get him baker acted for 72 hours

Since I wasn't aware what the "Baker Act" was, here's what Wikipedia says. It sounds like it's only used in Florida (?)

Florida Mental Health Act
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The Florida Mental Health Act of 1971 (Florida Statute 394.451-394.47891[1] (2009 rev.)), commonly known as the "Baker Act," allows the involuntary institutionalization and examination of an individual.

The Baker Act allows for involuntary examination (what some call emergency or involuntary commitment). It can be initiated by judges, law enforcement officials, physicians, or mental health professionals. There must be evidence that the person:
possibly has a mental illness (as defined in the Baker Act).
is a harm to self, harm to others, or self neglectful (as defined in the Baker Act).
Examinations may last up to 72 hours after a person is deemed medically stable and occur in over 100 Florida Department of Children and Families-designated receiving facilities statewide.[2]

There are many possible outcomes following examination of the patient. This includes the release of the individual to the community (or other community placement), a petition for involuntary inpatient placement (what some call civil commitment), involuntary outpatient placement (what some call outpatient commitment or assisted treatment orders), or voluntary treatment (if the person is competent to consent to voluntary treatment and consents to voluntary treatment). The involuntary outpatient placement language in the Baker Act took effect as part of the Baker Act reform in 2005.

The act was named for a Florida state representative from Miami, Maxine Baker,[3] who had a strong interest in mental health issues, served as chair of a House Committee on Mental Health, and was the sponsor of the bill.

The nickname of the legislation has led to the term "Baker Act" as a transitive verb, and "Baker Acted" as a passive-voice verb, for invoking the Act to force an individual's commitment. Although the Baker Act is a statute only for the state of Florida, use of "Baker Acting" as a verb has become prevalent as a slang term for involuntary commitment in other regions of the United States.[4][not in citation given]

It is used in NC and probably other states, but it may not be called the same name.

In order to be able to help your husband, first you will have to help yourself. Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. This is a difficult, THOUGH NOT IMPOSSIBLE, task.