I met my boyfriend 5 months into him putting his life on hold to provide full time hospice care when his mom was given months to live from various kinds of cancer. He had no help. It was hard to see him but he made time. After a few months of dating, looking back now, I think everything got to him. I am not perfect but I was so good to him, there for him. He became very macho, stopped communicating, & was hateful at times. I felt like I could do nothing right. I had been abused by my ex-hub so I don't put up with much but I tried...it just wasn't him. When I DID stand up to him, it got worse. Eventually, I was convinced I just wasn't good enough for him. He was very hard on me, blamed me for everything. Nothing I could do made him happy...made him be nice for long.
I'm 33 & from day 1 thought I'd marry this man. I was going through h*ll in my life & he was my blessing....right?!! I told myself he was stretched thin trying to make me, mom & his (working) dad happy. We decided to be friends but that went over like giving a crack head skittles. Weeks before his mom passed, I tried to just fake it & be supportive. He stopped texting but I checked in daily. After she passed, he was sweet again, thanking me for being there & proving how much I loved him. Before long, one small thing made him snap & I was the crazy evil lady again. He blocked my #. (Not the 1st time). 2 weeks later I went to his house. He wouldn't open the door but SCREAMED through the door & said I'd done all sorts of things which weren't true. I was balling & apologized for not understanding how horrible this had all been. I blamed myself. I begged for forgiveness. His was screaming at his dad for letting me in & to get me out so I left within 1-2 minutes. YES I FELT HORRIBLE FOR HIS DAD!!! I felt horrible to cause my ex & his dad more pain!!! I had NO CLUE....because I'm an idiot....that he would or could be capable of that much hate.
I've read forums....these relationships don't seem to work out & I've been/am an idiot it seems....but YES, I do love him. I won't put up with being talked to like he did but can someone change JUST because of this? I just want to understand. This man made me feel loved. He tried for a good 7 months, despite BOTH our misery, to make it work. Until 1-2 months ago, I ALWAYS knew he loved me & feeling loved is rare for me. I CARE about this man but I also want to understand for many reasons....what the crap happened!!!? I'm ok alone!! I just got laid off from a job where I was miserable so it's all about new beginnings here. Not trying to save a burnt casserole. I just need peace of mind & my heart wants to help if I CAN. He didn't deserve to watch his mom die. He told me it was hard to fall in love with me while he was losing the woman he'd loved his whole life. No one deserves to be mistreated but no one deserves to feel what he's feeling....& he's alone...& I can't help him. Bless you all that have lost. I've only ever lost my best friend in a car wreck, next to me. Drunk driver hit us head on at 115mph & I'm only survivor. If it is any comfort...although I know it's not....I felt her so very close to me after she passed...& I knew, even though someone "took" her life, that she is where she's supposed to be. I can't explain that feeling or how I know it but I assure its accuracy & it's the comfort that got me through years of reliving that moment. Our loved ones are happy.
Thank you for your time. I do fear that I'm just cray cray & as I wrote this I thought, "Why would u put up with that!!? Who cares why!!?" Feel free to tell me the honest truth. Just have a heart when you do it, if you will. Please :) If you give criticism out of disgust, the receiver can assume you just aren't the happiest chicken in the cage. I'm human. I swear it
And I have never had love at first sight or felt what I felt for him. Abusive men are actually very skilled at being everything you want them to be. I actually don't put up with anything....not after my marriage. His change was just SO drastic and I was kinda in shock. We stopped dating. I told him I would not date him until we could be friends and he could show me he could be kind to me. I do truly refuse to tolerate that, but I shouldn't have tolerated it from him even as "friends". Deep down I knew he couldn't change back but i wanted to believe his behavior was a product of the h*ll he was living. He treated his mom like an angel. Painted her toenails, took her wherever she wanted, read her poems, held her hand, played with her hair. How could he be a monster? But it's not my job to figure this out anymore. I have to heal. Move on. That's hard enough as it is & I have a newly developed back problem from my wreck I have to heal from too. Pain & depression do not mix. He and the pain and daily migraines from Meniere's disease causing missed work, and being bullied for 2 years after being superwomam at my company for 6 years (makes staying home easier) equals i just got laid off, which is a blessing, but I have a bit to take care of. It's time to heal. My livlihood depends on it!! I truly thank you all. Your words mean a lot. More than you know.
Maybe you're trying to prove you're worthy (by having this psycho love you), maybe the drama feels normal to you because of your childhood, who knows. But there's something going on since this is a pattern with you. A woman with a healthy ego and self esteem would run the other way after the first one or two incidents you cite. Yet you kept trying to make it work. Your words "from day 1 thought I'd marry this man" tells me you were very needy for a relationship. Maybe work on being OK with being by yourself for a while.
You do NOT deserve this type of behavior. And you need to learn what Iyanla Vanzant said, "When you see crazy coming CROSS THE STREET." It took me a long time to learn that, but now I can spot crazy a mile away and I run in the other direction. I'm too old for the drama and crazy. I wish the same thing for you!
But when i lost my best friend in a car wreck 11 years ago, i felt everyone's pain. I was with her when she died, the last to see her alive, so everyone needed me as closure or comfort or that person to blame. I FELT their anger. Not all towards me, of course....but i was there for many people's grievings...& no one's anger felt like his. Like my ex's.
I feel like the issues he had prior to this weren't yet resolved...& greiving can bring up unhealed wounds....
Bless you again for your words. I quit dating for years because i didn't want to keep attracting the wrong men, abusive men. I reckon i need to hit the books again and focus on loving myself cuz a stronger woman would have put an end to this months & months ago, knowing they didn't deserve it. I made excuses. You live & you learn... :)
Many of us on this site are in or recently have been in grief. We are watching/have watched our loved ones lose themselves and die. Grief does indeed do strange things to us, and we may not be ourselves for a while. In fact, the original reason behind wearing signs of mourning was as a kind of warning to others. "This person is emotionally fragile and may behave a little odd."
Others can share their grief experiences, but personally I don't buy that grief makes you push away the ones you love. I could be wrong but I sense something else is going on here.
But whatever the cause, this man is not ready to be in another relationship right now. Maybe if you'd met him a year from now things would be different. But they are what they are.
Accept that this relationship is not moving forward. Go on with your life.
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