Grandmother moved in. How do I fix this, move past this or be okay with her leaving?

It would be very helpful if you could answer some of the questions that the responders have asked you. They would be better able to give you their best advice, if they had the information that they have requested.

You said your Grandmother was pretty much “independent.” That is a bit confusing. Did you mean “dependent?”

You are not 'abandoning' gma if you get her into a Skilled Nursing home or Assisted Living; you are saving YOURSELF and your FAMILY from falling apart. Your husband is outright telling you he is unwilling to have another child because of the untenable situation that exists inside of your home, thanks to grandma.

In addition to her other issues, it sounds like grandma is going down, or already on, the dementia road, based on some of the behaviors she is displaying. Nothing is going to get better, either, since you can't even talk to her, nor is she willing to acknowledge a problem or get medication to treat her issues.

You say you feel trapped and that grandma is ruining your marriage and your life. What other reasons do you need to get her placed ELSEWHERE? She won't like it, of course, and she'll be kicking and screaming the entire time, but you owe it to your husband, your child and yourself to get your lives back. You will not be 'abandoning' her because you will help her get set up in the new place, help her furnish it, and go visit on a regular basis. That will enable you to go back to being the granddaughter instead of the chief cook and bottle washer and the scratching post she's come to use you as.

It's a win-win situation. Go out and look at some facilities in your area and narrow it down to 2. If she'd like to have a say in where she lives, by all means let her. If not, select one FOR her based on her income or whether she needs Medicaid funds, etc.

And finally, I will tell you that my mother begrudgingly took in her mother when I was a baby, basically because she felt it was The Right Thing To Do. My grandmother was a difficult woman, my mother was a nervous wreck, and MY life was a torture chamber as a result. I used to keep a black & white marble notebook of all the crazy things that went on in my house so when the Men in the White Coats came to take my mother away, they'd have a log of all her behaviors so the psychiatrists would know what was REALLY going on behind the fake smile she wore on her face for others. To this day I have a bad relationship with my 93 y/o mother and cannot stand to be around her, frankly.

Do whatcha gotta do so that YOUR children aren't writing MY story when they're 60 years old.

Best of luck!

This dynamic will NOT work ANY LONGER. Grandma must move to facility living. Your marriage health is of utmost importance and she is interferring ALSO with child rearing.

As others have said, it's time for Gma to move into Assisted Living or Senior Independent Living, as her living with your family is Way to disruptive and preventing you from enjoying your own life and family, especially if her being there is preventing you from having another baby, if that is your desire, it's just not fair for all of you. And it will only get worse!

She would probably do very well in AL, after the usual adjustment period, and enjoy the activities there and being with her peers, and then you can get back to being her loving Granddaughter who visits and advocates for her safety and wellbeing. You would still be in her life, just in a better way for the both of you. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

As for furniture and things, Everything is easily replaceable what with second hand sites like NEXTDOOR and FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE. It doesn't take much or cost too much to fill a small Senior apartment, a small sofa, a comfy easy chair, a sturdy TV tray or a small dinette and a couple of chairs especially if she uses a Computer or enjoys cards or puzzles, a twin bed, or maybe a daybed/captain's bed with storage underneath, her own dresser (would double as a TV console) and side tables. You probably have most of these things laying about your house. The less the better with Seniors as they do eventually become a fall risk, and you can always add in things as she feels she needs more. Please don't let silly inexpensive furnishings be the thing that stops you from pursuing your future happiness and hers as well, as she probably feels simular to you from her own loss of independence.

Hopefully you haven't co-mingled your monies in the purchase of your bigger home, or made the "Promise" that you would "Never" put her in a Nursing Home, but if you did, Promises such as these are made to be Be Broken, as they aren't fair and they put Way too much pressure on you and your family, and it just is Not Fair for Anyone to do that to another person, Never! Trust me I know, as I lived that Phooey for 13 years in caring for my FIL in our home, and it only made our life hell for the last 5 years of his (Hospice/death in our home).

If for some reason you did co-mingle monies, thankfully it has only been One year, and you guys can make arrangements to pay her back, for whatever she may have put towards the downpayment on your home, if not, all the better, but you need to separate now, and just be her advocate for the future, and Remember, you are not responsible for making her happy, we are only responsible for our own happiness, as far too many people get stuck in that rut of feeling Responsible and Guilty, but Stop, it's Not Your Problem! As the kind and decent Granddaughter that you are, your responsibility is to see to it that she is Safe, housed comfortably and cared for, and to live your life, just as she raised you to do.

Your GMa has lived her life and enjoyed her retirement and you are entitled to live as and enjoy yours in any way you see fit. Your responsibility is to your husband and your children, so Please don't shortchange your marriage or your babies, we see that far too often here on the AC website, it's your time now! Do this for You! Take Care!

My YB built a small apartment onto his home 22 years ago and moved mother and daddy in with him. He has stated, several times in the past 10 years that mother has aged so quickly that this was the WORST decision he ever made. None of us sibs were 'supportive' of it at the time and less so as she declined and demanded much more of YB's time. She won't allow but him to care for her and he is tired and sick himself. I can see him dying before she does.

One by one she stopped allowing any of the rest of us sibs to step in and help in any way.

It's impacted YB's brother and family life tremendously, and mother, who cannot walk up a single step w/o 2 helpers, has not been a 'part' of the family. The big gathering space is above her apartment and she cannot possibly manage the 17 stairs up.

Getting mom and dad into some kind of ALF apartment before they both needed so much care would have been a better choice.

Mother is quite social, but YB only lets her out of the house one day a week.

Are there any relatives that can assist? Maybe not as everyday caregiver, but to come stay at your house so your family can get out of the house on weekends or vacations.

If she is capable of living alone, then maybe have a talk with her that the arguments are taking a toll on her and the rest of you. Don't blame - show some empathy about how it might make her feel. What would it take to put her home back in order to be liveable. Maybe that would be a good goal for all of you.

If she has no plans to return to her own house, then discuss selling it and moving to assisted living where she will be around folks her own age and wouldn't have to be involved in day to day activities of younger folks. Again, express it from her point of view of appearing to be unhappy in current situation.

Profile says Gma is 80.

First, I think Gma needs a good physical. If she sees a doctor to see how hip is doing thats a good time to ask for an evaluation. Gma being "put under" for the surgery may have effected her in some way. If she was showing signs of Dementia before, anesthesia could make the symptoms worse. Add to that the big changes she has had to deal with. As we get "up there" change can be overwhelming. Was it discussed with her that her stay would be permanent? Did you ask permission to sell her things?

Going to say this from the perspective of a 70 yr old. My MIL was 92 when she passed. She found herself in rehab after a bad bout of a UTI. She lived in Fla. One son in NJ, one in Ga. the other in MS. The POA lived in GA and was still working. It was determined that MIL needed to do her rehab near the son in GA since none of us could stay any length of time with her in Fla. I wasn't there when they explained this all to her but I know she didn't like being told how "her" life was going to go. That she couldn't live alone anymore and since none of us wanted to move to Fla., she would need to move in with one of her sons. She was losing a house that she loved and her independence. And, she had never gotten along with the GA wife. Wife had a tendency to want to control things. It took a while to get it all together. The day before the transport, my MIL passed. She willed herself to die the Dr. said. She was a stubborn woman. If she wasn't going to be able to live by her terms, she wasn't going to live.

I guess you thought it was permanent, she may not have thought so. In her position and if I was in my right mind, I would be mad if my girls took it upon themselves to clean out my house without my input. And to make decisions for my future without me being involved in those decisions. Is this how it worked with Gma? Because if you just took things upon yourself without consulting her first, she is probably mad. If she has Dementia, thats one thing, she can no longer make decisions for herself. But if she can still make informed decisions you took that away. She had a right to decide where she was going to live. I think as we age, we hang onto the independence as long as we can. I am not trying to be harsh here just trying to see it from her perspective.

Also, be aware that for an 80 year old not used to having children around a 4 year old can be a little too much for them. Ok for a visit but not to live with. Does Gma have an area to herself. Is her bedroom big enough for a chair and TV so she can "get away".

We are not there so have no idea how independent you gma is. I know a lot of woman in their 80s even approaching 90 still able to live by themselves. Is there a family member who can stay with her. Or like suggested, see if a local AL has a respite room available. She may find she likes it. Then you can go from there.

I'm thinking for the sake of your relationship, she needs to move out if she has the finances to do so. Her moving to a senior apartment or assisted living and helping her with the transition is not abandoning her. She wouldn't need all that much stuff to reestablish a new living arrangement. I think you and your husband should beg8n to make plans for the vacation. As part of the planning, can you find someone she can stay with? Or maybe have her relocated before you go away.

If you sold all the things from her house, does that mean she still has a house? Can you sell it and get her a little condo or something close by? As someone else asked, how old is she? She may or may not be old enough to appropriately go to senior living. If there is no house to sell, could she get a little apartment somewhere close? You can furnish them cheaply between IKEA and the Goodwill. You must get your life back for the sake of your marriage, your child, your future.

Now that she has reached the point of pretty much being independent, maybe it's time to have a discussion about her moving to an independent living community. If she needs just a little more help, there are assisted living communities that will manage medication, do laundry, provide 2-3 meals a day, and have somebody check up on her during the day. All of them have activities and maybe your grandma would make some new friends.

We are looking to move my own grandma into a mixed independent/assisted living community. We've already looked at multiple facilities and picked one to take her back to. She does not know about it yet. My grandpa was a veteran and grandma qualifies for VA survivor benifits. Once we know what the VA will give her, then we'll talk to her about it.

My suggestion would be to look at 4-5 communities first, figure out what she can afford, and take her back to 2. That way, if there is anything you don't like about a place, you can cross it off the list. Take somebody with you like another family member or even a really close friend. Two sets of eyes and input from another person is helpful. My mom and I discussed what we liked, didn't like, what grandma would like or not like, and weirdly enough, amenities. One place was crossed off this list because another facility would transport her to doctors appointments. Things like that. Figure out what she needs and what she can afford. Do the legwork so your grandma doesn't get overwhelmed.

Please check out frontotemporal lobe disease. She may have had damage to the front part of her brain that manages executive functions. Usually the patient is unaware of the changes.

Also realize that Gram has been uprooted from her "normal" - in her own home, in charge of her place and the relationships within. She is probably muddling through doing what feels normal to her as the head of the household. Discuss with your husband what would be the best ways for Gram in relate to both of you and your child. Start reinforcing whenever her behavior is in line and gently remind her when she oversteps boundaries.

It might be helpful to bring in others to help with Gram's care - family, friends, church, and paid help - so she gets used to others helping. Then, you can have those getaways you need. If your trip is imminent, then explain to Gram that _____ (fill in the blank) will be staying to housesit and help her when she needs it.

If she becomes so negative that it is hurting all your family member, it may be time to place her somewhere else full time. Facility staff can go home after a long day with difficult people. You can't escape when the difficult person lives with you.

Important questions, I don’t see that anyone has asked are: How old is Grandma and how does she function physically? How is she mentally, other than treating you like a child still? I have a feeling that she may be younger than some are assuming and may not be needing the type of care in the suggestions put forth here thus far.

Grandmother has had a lot if disruption in her life in a relatively short time - perhaps independent living would be good for her and for you.  Can you look into options for independent or assisted living? Don't feel guilty - actually the greater socialization in a AL may be very good for her. 

I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you. You need a break. Take a trip. Make arrangements for her to stay at an assisted living facility while you are gone. Some offer respite care for caregivers.

This is a good way for her to experience a facility as well. Do you feel that she needs more care than assisted living? You could look at nursing homes in your area to place her.

Marriages do take a hit when couples are primary caregivers to a loved on. It’s stressful. When there are children in the home it’s even harder.

I realize its awkward but you will have to have another talk to her about not interfering with your parenting.

Tell her that you really wanted to help her out but you now realize that this situation is not working out for any of you. Tell her that you are going to look into finding her an appropriate place for her to live and you will visit her.

I think you know the answer. You are already losing your life to her...when your husband says now he does not want to bring another child into the situation, you should realize that she must go into a facility, or your life as you know it may be over. Don’t sacrifice yourself and your family..Grandmother has had a good run, but it’s your turn. Find a good place and buy a few basic pieces she needs for her new home, and let go of this guilt. This situation will not get better with age.
Best wishes.

Did you commingle her money with hers when you bought the bigger house?

I suggest finding an AL that accepts Medicaid after a set number of years private pay. Plan on using funds from the sale of her house together with her SS to provide for a few years of private pay AL. You could use your family trip as an opportunity for her to try out the AL in a respite stay.

Please consider your grandmother's behavior sounds much like early to mid stage dementia behaviors, particularly if those aggressive personality traits are something new to her old age. My father with vascular dementia had very few memory problems even in the end stages; however, he displayed personality changes and selfish aggressive behavior from the early stages.

Just because your GM raised you is no reason for you to compromise your and your family's lives. You helped your GM with direct care and emotional support following her hip surgery and your uncle's death. Well done. Now that GM has recovered and has most of her independence back, go back to being her advocate and help her find more appropriate living arrangements. Your primary obligation and responsibility is to your child, your husband, your marriage and your future child - they ALL come before your GM.

For the sake of your marriage and child, she needs to move into to either assisted living or nursing home. As countrymouse suggests, place her in a facility for respite care while you & husband go out of town. She just might like being with people her own age.

First things first: your husband and you are planning to be out of town for how long? Taking your little daughter with you?

This could be an opportunity. When your grandmother says she won't stay alone, is she expecting you not to go, or to take her with you, or what?

If it's that she has never adjusted to the idea of being on her own in the house since the loss of your uncle, what about looking for respite care nearby and using this time to see how she takes to life in a good facility?