Can my grandfather be forced into an assisted living facility?
My grandfather had a stroke a few years ago. Since then he has become verbally abusive to my grandmother. They recently moved to a new house that was more "elderly friendly" (i.e. no steps, all one level) after my grandmother collapsed about a year ago. You can see that she is depressed, stressed and just doesn't even LOOK good! The verbal abusive he gives her every day is taking it's toll. He swears at her frequently (and she is a God believing, church going woman so this REALLY bothers her), he yells at her and she won't even go into public with him anymore because he belittles her and embarrasses her infront of other people. Before they moved, they looked into assisted living, but he said he WOULD NOT move to a home or an assisted living. Ideally, my grandmother should just leave him and go on her own, but we don't think they can afford two living arrangements, plus my grandfather is not fit to live on his own. He has also become loud, obnoxious and flat out mean to everyone else as well, even their children and grandchildren. My grandmother is afraid to leave because she says she would "have to live with that on her shoulders." What do we do?
Unfortunately she was getting worse and more abusive so we started trying out some meds, then she became confrontational in the Shoe store with a lady and I had to physically remove her...it totally freaked me out, so I resigned to adding another drug to her daily routine.
The Dr and I agreed that we didn't want her to be a zombie but needed to take the edge out of her behavior because it was becoming more and more abusive (I have younger children at home, she had gone after my boy at one point).
While her almost manic behaviors have not exactly gone away, they have been dulled down somewhat and she is more easily swayed to do things without a huge fight.
The thing that finally convinced me to do it, outside of extreme burnout, was that she was getting herself into more dangerous situations and for her own safety it was necessary, and really for our safety as well.
It is a path that I was hesitant to go, but now I am ever grateful that it is there for us.
Also, when we finally get financing for my mom, it will be less of an issue having her go to a home, less of a fight and easier to deal with from the care facilities point of view.
Your dr can then give clear prognosis and make medication suggestions or if he is trusted by parents -- gently suggest that they consider getting more help in the home and this May at least relieve some of the tension, fears of being moved from their home, etc. parents being together 24/7 especially when one or the other becomes more frail or in ill health can lead to this tension and abuse of one another. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't intervene to try to help.
Your grandmother has to stop feeling guilty because if she doesn't, her health will suffer. It's not selfish. She given her entire life to this man and he's decided to lash out. This website has a wonderful FB page! If your grandmother is computer savy, she could perhaps log on and read some of the wonderful things going on. Perhaps she would 'see' she doesn't have to take the abuse just because he's had a stroke.
The problem is that she's been berated and insulted to the point that it's likely hard for her to think clearly and to defend herself verbally against him. So he continues to be a verbal battering ram.
These are dynamics that don't change overnight. Believe me, I've seen this personally.
Can your grandmother move in with any relatives, although I suspect that she would feel guilty leaving him even to protect herself.
The battered woman symdrome is at play here and it sometimes takes a lot for a woman to stand up to a batterer.
I agree with Hadenough - GF will "suck the life" out of your grandmother.
I would contact APS as well as look for someplace else like ALF for your grandmother to live, but be prepared for resistance because of the psychological battering she's taken and probably the low self esteem she now has. It will be hard to get her to leave him even though he is an absuer. But don't give up. She shouldn't spend her senior years with someone who is so abusive.
There comes a time when you have to protect the vulnerable from the predator, and your grandmother is definitely at risk.
Good luck - this is a difficult path to walk.
First, treat Grampa. When he is as good as he can be helped to be, then consider whether that is "good enough" for grandmother to continue living with him.
Hopefully GP will be open to seeing doc and getting some help. I still think he is acting out out of fear, filters gone, and just plain figures he can act as he wants. My dad would be curse borderline mental abuse with my mom in late years and I would be furious and tell ask her why she put up with it and she would just say...he's not always like that, he apologized after you left and felt sheepish...and I know he did, but it was still unpleasant to witness. I finally just spoke out when he did it in my presence and that seemed to curtail it...at least in my presence. But I can tell you, every time I mentioned moving, getting in home help, being more social, etc. my dad nipped it in the bud and said "we're staying in our home, when we need someone, we'll hire someone, we don't need strangers in our home"...we'll he died and mom was brainwashed to these mantras and now she won't allow help in the home.
Hope you fare better.