Funerals for elderly parents/inlaws; should we attempt to discuss plans with father-in-law?

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Funerals for elderly parents/inlaws; should we attempt to discuss plans with father-in-law?

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My MIL and FIL are in their mid 80’s and currently living in AL/MC. They retired 26 years ago and moved out of state. They moved back here approx 5 years ago. Due to being out of the area for over 20 years and in AL and with memory issues the past several years, they have lost touch with most of their friends, their former church family, etc. The few friends that still live in the area are in similar state of memory issues/poor health. Few of our friends really knew them as they chose not to be active/involved in any of our lives. (Long story) They had previously planned to be buried in a neighboring state where they are originally from, having bought cemetery plots there in 1968.

My husband and I have discussed what will happen when they pass away. Other than our immediate family, my BIL and his immediate family, who live 1500 miles away, and a handful of our close friends, I doubt anyone would attend a funeral for them. They have not been part of a church in this area in over 26 years, so there is not even a pastor who knows them. They have not been very good with finances, so we are trying to stretch their funds as far as possible. At this point it seems foolish to pay the expense of transporting their remains to another state where nobody in their family lives to hold a funeral and bury them. We discussed possibly having them cremated and taking their remains that way-to save money. We would have a memorial service here with our friends and immediate family. Does this seem appropriate? Inappropriate? FIL is somewhat cognizant of things, but MIL is too far gone to really understand. Should we attempt to discuss it with him? This is so hard to balance the practical and financial realities with what their wishes were at one time. They even purchased a headstone already and engraved their names and birthdates in it. At a loss...

End of Life Funeral Planning Paying for Care

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If you will be footing the bill, then do whatever you can afford. I would not have 2 services myself. If I was you, I would probably not have a local service, i’d Go with cremation and have a small family service in the neighboring state. Because either way your brother has to travel for it right? We are facing a similar issue with my FIL, he’s been in this state less than a year. No one here knows him but his 3 kids. Rest of the family is 2500 miles away. Kids need to ask him about all this as he’s probably not gonna live out the rest of the year. And ultimately his kids will probably have to pay for the majority of the cost so.....he may not get what he wants. He may end up cremated and buried in the local vets cemetery with a simple graveside service. I don’t know if his family would come out here for a service either.

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My uncle and his wife were buried in the veterans cemetery. That’s what they both wanted. The army was a huge part of his life.

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I can only attest to what I have done. I transported my dearly departed wife from Nevada to Illinois for funeral and burial. cost me a small fortune. I chose not to have services in NV. because only one of her friends ever visited her. At least back there I have family that helped me.
I don't really see a need to have a full blown funeral but a grave side service might be nice.
How far would you have to transport them? That would be a big expense. You could arrange immediate burial and reduce expenses some.

Others will be along with their suggestions.

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my father did not want a funeral service or wake. Just as well because he wasn’t getting one anyway He just wanted a cremation. my husband and I already had to pay for my mothers because of his gambling

so when he died (88) i informed my aunt who let others know. My friend put me in touch with a lovely funeral director from her church. As I was in another state they took care of everything when I arrived three days later we just sat down. Picked the cheapest coffin, put funeral notice in both major papers and a really nice floral display for the casket

the funeral company did a great job
i was the only one present. I put his tam o shantor on the casket and said goodbye. It was actually very nice

he did request that his ashes be taken to Scotland and spread throughout the highlands but he currently resides in the garage

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I was talking to a DIL of friends of my parents. Her FIL had pasted and she asked her MIL what she wanted for her funeral. MIL said to be cremated and then buried with her Mom and husband both had also been cremated. DIL asked where were they now? MIL said, well Moms under the Birdbath out back and Bill is in the cellar in the filing cabinet under B.

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Well. The happy thought is that there is absolutely no need to make any decisions about this now.

When the time comes, you will know with more certainty a) how much money there is and b) - to a lesser extent, but still - what the surviving spouse's requirements are likely to be.

At that time, if you can comply with their wishes, do. If you can't, get as close as possible; and I'd agree that interring their ashes in their state of origin sounds about right. Meanwhile, you'd better find out if the burial plots have a resale value - not so as to put them straight on the market, just for information and so you would know hypothetically what the procedure is.

Try not to muddy the waters when thinking about this: don't second-guess them, and justify not complying with their wishes because it's a better idea to x, y, z. Do them the courtesy of assuming that they knew what they were about when they made their plans. You are then left with a much tidier - and, yes, colder and more clinical - decision-making process of yes/no answers based on pure numerical values.

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Could you just consider a very simple ceremony and bury them where they purchased the plots given that those were their wishes when they were of sound mine. I don't think you should be concerned with the number of people who would attend. If the costs have already been paid it would seem that there would not be much added expense. It sounds as though the travel would not be far. If you choose cremation which personally I am in favor of you could wait until both have passed and bury the remains at the same time. Personally I would just concern myself with the honor you are bestowing them and not the number of individuals that would most likely not be present. I wish you the best with your decisions.

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Would be nice if they want to do as you suggest. Although, cremation is practical. It’s hard to think about these things but it’s inevitable.

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Because the cost will probably fall to you it seems, I would have them cremated. When both were gone, I then would take them home. Have a small graveside service. A minister would be nice or a layman from a local Church. Then go and have a nice lunch.

You may get away having both put in the same plot.

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Yes, JoAnn.

Very sensible suggestion. Lots of people do this. Perfectly acceptable.

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Thank you for your experiences and your perspectives. We are in Dallas and the plots they purchased are in Shreveport. About 3+ hrs away. They also bought plots for my husband and BIL and when we suggested they sell those to recoup a little money (they have very little left) they could not conceive why their sons would not be buried there. The fact that they have wives, children and lives in other states was not a consideration. *sigh* So there are actually 4 plots in a very desirable area of that cemetery. The profit from selling them could go toward their care. We could also do an even trade with a cemetery here, but a few years ago, when they were more lucid they would not hear of it. Their funeral expenses are not paid. They tried to buy pre-paid plans at the tune of $25k per person, a few years ago and we were able to help them see that they could not afford to empty their savings for that. That was all they had for their current expenses. I guess we’ll just have to cross that bridge when we get to it. I’m the type of person who likes to do research ahead of time and thoughtfully consider all my options so I don’t make an emotion driven knee jerk reaction. That is why I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons now, so we can discuss it as a family and come to a concensus.

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It sounds like you know just what they want, after all.

Respect their wishes. It is only right to bury them in the plots they selected more than 50 years ago. If your husband and BIL want to get rid of their own plots, that is fine, but respect their wishes. Karma is real!

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Cost is important. Don’t do something that is over your budget.

Let me share something my dear grandmother always said to everyone. “Give me flowers while I am living.” She felt too much emphasis was placed on funerals. I agree. It is more important to show love to others while alive.

My grandmother had respect for everyone, including the dead. She grieved, mourned but most importantly she showed enormous love to people while they were alive.

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It is absolutely appropriate to discuss. If person is able to comprehend, explain your wanting to honor their wishes while balancing w financial realities. If they do not understand, you will have to make the best decision based upon the realistic situation of logistics, family expectations/customs/feelings/beliefs, and financial realities. It is never easy.
I have taken care of several family members through their final years, wills, trusts, pre planned arrangements, ect. It has been much easier with the ones where there was an honest discussion about what they wanted before they were in the last stages of life. Many feel its morbid and dont want to talk about end if life issues. I have learned over the years, it's a very kind thing to do for your loved ones. It relieves them of painful decisions when they're grieving and ill prepared to concentrate on such important issues.
Let the person know you want to be sure things will be done according to THEIR WISHES. Explain you want to act on their behalf so you need them to tell you EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT.... and then PLAN IT OUT IN WRITING. Meet with a funeral director and preplan things so they know costs, if that's the route they chose. Involve them, they will feel better about it, not as if YOU are doing something TO them. Its such a delicate issue, and it's a complete rule reversal at this stage...a very difficult situation to be in.
If they chose cremation, find out which funeral homes are actual crematoriums, they will be most economical. Otherwise, the funeral home pays a fee to the crematorium for their service, thus YOU pay extra.
Oobituaries are expensive. Many are choosing to just use social media today and spare the cost since so few people get daily newspaper delivery any longer. Discuss what is right for the situation.
There is an ENTIRE CATALOG of things that can be done with cremains! It is amazing. If there are multiple children, do they each want some if the ashes? Do they want to have ceremony to spread ashes somewhere specifically?
So very much to think over and discuss. Best of luck to you. I hope it can be a productive and bonding experience for you. When I planned with both my grandma and my mom, each experience was a loving, sharing experience that made us closer. They were trusting me to do a very important thing for them. It was a sign of trust and faith.

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Think you missed the MIL is in Memory Care and FIL has dementia. We tried having this conversation several years ago when they almost spent all their final savings account on a prepaid plan for each of them to the tune of $50k!!! They couldn’t wrap their heads around the fact that they no longer no a single soul in that state, and it would not be feasible to have an elaborate service there that nobody would attend. *sigh* They do have small life insurance policies that will pay for a basic service and expenses. We are going to have to wait to pay until they pass.

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Less is more in my opinion. I’d not discuss it with the in-laws and when the time comes do whatever you find simplest for your family that’s here. Funerals are to comfort the living, not being added stress as they far too often wind up doing.

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So true! Big fancy weddings and large funerals are stressful!

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Are you the POA? If so, you can sell the plots without their knowledge. If they ever ask, you can say, "Remember, you already took care of that." It's just like selling a vacation property they will never use again.

The really cheap method we have chosen for my mthr is donating her body. In this way, she can be useful after her death for some kind of researchers (she was a scientific researcher herself). Cremation is free and the ashes are usually returned within a year or interred, your choice. A local university hospital has an interment ceremony once a year in their flower garden. The place we chose sprinkles remains over the Pacific Ocean where mthr always wanted to go on an expedition. Best part is that it is free when you are within a certain number of miles of a contracted location.

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Yes, my husband is POA. Thanks for that reminder. I need to have him look in to that-at the very least selling his and his brother’s, to help some with finances.

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It sounds like most costs have been already taken care of. If not, have them pre-pay now or start making payments. This does not obligate you to make regular pilgrimages to their grave. Honoring their wishes is the last thing you will do for them, and is a gesture of love and respect that can never be repaid. You don't need a pastor, have family members read a few meaningful prayers and share memories. Then come home and share your loss and grief with your close friends.

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No-the only thing that is paid for is their plots and their head stone. They have not pre-paid their funeral expenses, because they do not have enough $$ to do so. If money were no issue this wouldn’t be as difficult.

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Funerals don’t have to be expensive or large. To family and community members, funerals provide connection and closure. Funerals are healing.

You should honor their wishes regarding remains. If possible, discuss anything with them that you don’t know.

After paying a funeral home several thousands for a cremation, I learned that most cities have crematoriums that charge only hundreds.

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I've got my plan when the time comes - no funeral, no obit in the paper, have a celebration of life instead. If you want to visit a fast food place, your favorite, feel free to do so. If you want to go down by the creek and take pictures, feel free to do so. If you want to ride your bike, feel free to do so. Do what makes you happy, and I will be your guardian angel. Feel glad that you knew me and not sad because I am gone. I am also requesting to be cremated

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Was he an active duty veteran? If so he and his spouse are eligible to be buried at a national cemetery at no cost for plot or headstone. You can have both cremated and interred at the same time. We have prepaid for MIL cremation, FIL passed in the early 90s. Right now he's sitting in a very nice box on her dresser. Upon her passing, cremation then national cemetery together. If he was a veteran, you will need a copy of discharge papers, death certificate, and marriage certificate. Something you may want to look into. If so, frees you up to sell other plots so they can have a bit more money in their pocket when they need it. They may like this idea since it is a show of respect for their service.

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Yes he was! Their VA benefits are what is making it possible to pay for their AL and MC facilities! Thank you! That may be a good selling point.

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Discuss it and Somehow Respect their Wishes...You will End the Discussion Faster than when they Die and you Cry....

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Easier said than done. They don’t have the money to have their wishes carried out though. And that is why the OP is here asking for advice.

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I am in sort of the same circumstances--6 years ago my husband and I moved back to city we were born in and both of us had family in. He lived for 15 months and died of a massive stroke at 71 (I am 4 years older, this was second marriage for both of us) There were still plenty of his family and friends to attend memorial services--he was cremated, and I buried 3/4 of the ashes in the plot his mother had purchased for him (but not for me, although I presume there is room for my ashes there). I saved some of the ashes to be buried with mine in my father's family plot about 120 miles away. Moving back to my hometown, I discovered that my old friends have either died or moved away. I have made some new friends, and I hope some of them will attend my memorial, and I have also joined a church, probably for the same reason! However, what my children do with my remains is up to them, I can only offer suggestions as to what I would like. I am collecting photos that I want displayed on computer screen and I have readings and music that I want played given to my 2 children. Will they follow my wishes? They will probably fight over them as they do over everything else! By then, it won't matter to me.

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My mother will be buried with my father, 200 miles away. She has a couple of small insurance policies that will not cover the $12,000 estimate we got to fly her remains in a casket back home and then have a local funeral director arrange a graveside service there. It is exactly like paying for two funerals. Cremation is much less costly and within her means so that we can prepay her expenses. I have told her once that she needs to agree to cremation and that other than being in an Urn everything else will be the same. My wife and I will also be cremated and our expenses are already paid. She agreed, then a couple of weeks later she told me she didn't know about cremation. She's afraid. I didn't say anything or argue but she will be cremated and I feel I have been honest with her. I could have just done it and not told her at all. I suggest you do the same.

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My inlaws are interred in the veterans cemetery. There was a short service, with two members of the military present, to fold and present the flag. It was a moving experience.

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They have already purchased a burial plot for two people ($3000 or more). If there is a headstone ($3500 or more), that means there is a foundation for it ($200). These actions were made when they didn't have dementia and were of sound mind. So, if it were me, I would honor their actions. Next, choose a funeral home to take care on their needs when the time comes. Write up a contract with choices itemized. Now look to see if they have any life insurance. If they do own any small policies (say $1000 to $10,000), they can be signed over to that funeral home for their services so they are not considered an asset. Then, if it falls short, just pay a little each month, and see how far that gets you. As far as knowing the pastor, it doesn't matter. If they were church goers or at all religious, have a pastor officiate a service where ever you have the memorial service or at graveside. And remember, if FIL served in the military, he is entitled to an honor guard and taps. Don't forget to work out the details of that:) This was taken care of by the funeral home for my dad and was beautifully done. Ahead of time, collect your thoughts and write their obituary and a few memories that exemplify their life, philosophy, humor, what have you so that you can share these insights with the officiant when the time comes. You'll be glad you did this ahead. That's where the talks with FIL come in. They don't have to know why you asked if he and his wife had a favorite song, but you will know how to make their service more meaningful and having those memories in your heart will be wonderful too.

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I would not discuss it with him, period. It will give him something to obsess about, as those with dementia tend to do. It only drives everyone crazy. When the time comes, do as you wish, especially if you are footing the bill. Let him think that it’s set up exactly as he wants it, no harm done there - it may bring him some comfort.

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This conversation reminds me of my oldest brother and his wife. He passed from a sudden heart attack at 69, and had been very active in his church and community. There was a very large funeral at their home church, and then he was transported to his wife's home town where they had purchased plots next to her parents. Another large funeral. His wife survived another 20 years, and when she passed, I went there and spent some time with my nephews. There was a small memorial service at the church; just a handful because her social network was almost gone. She was cremated, and her sons, grandkids and I drove her cremains down to her home town, where there was just one cousin left of her immediate family, and we had a small graveside service.
With the odds of people moving away from their original home area, this kind of thing comes up often. There is still an unused plot in my name next to my parents in my home town, a thousand miles from where I have lived since I married. I talked to the cemetery management recently when I was up there visiting, and they said the options were 1)selling it, couldn't say what the market was; 2) donating it to our original family church (which is probably the best idea), or 3) donating it to them for use by someone in need who couldn't afford to buy a plot. I also got a call recently from a family friend whose immediate family has moved several hundred miles away, and whose mom passed recently. They had had a service in the area where they have been living, and have cremated remains that they would like to bury with their father, who is already buried here. I gave them contact information for our current pastor, and they are working out details for a graveside service here, and I have notified people here that knew their mom and family.
This situation arises often, with our mobile population, and it's not uncommon to have parents going "back home" for their last journey. However, all of my immediate family and friends are in this area, and much of my extended family is still near my grandparents' home town, so there is no reason for me to consider my parents' gravesite for myself, especially as my husband is buried here locally. It is something that we all need to think through while we can still think!

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I believe that all people, while they are able to do so, should specifically talk about their funeral plans but 99% don't and won't and it is so difficult for those who remain. In this case, I don't think talking would accomplish anything - far too late now. Decide among the survivors what you want to do when the time comes and then go to the funeral home and set up all the provisions for that time. Be done with it and let it go and have some peace in the meantime. You make the decisions - what you feel is the best.

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After reading this, I am amazed at how many want to sell the extra plots at their families graves. How is this even possible when a lot of old cemeteries have curb around the graves? I own three cemetery plots, one is for 12 people and one is for 4. The other is full. On the 12 grave plot only 8 graves have been used. However it is completely enclosed by a raised curb with one large tombstone in the center. There is one family name on one side and another on the opposite side. There are six graves on one side and only two on the other. That leaves four empty graves. But if I Could sell them, they would NOT be members of the same family. I cannot for the life of me see how this would work. Who wants strangers buried with them? Also not everyone wants to be cremated. I for one wish my entire remains to be in one place come judgement day. If I was cremated I would try to haunt whoever did this to me. To that end I have already arranged my funereal. Or I should say my burial as I cannot afford a funereal.

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ive been to a lot of cemeteries and those type of plots are not very common. At least not in California. That top of plot was common a long long time ago.

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Our culture has stigmatized "end of life", we need to begin addressing it as "part of life". Our population is overwhelmingly aging and this issue is more and more being dealt with than ever. There is not enough space for every living person to be buried in their own plot. You can have your ashes interred on top of an existing grave of a loved one, placed in water, around a tree, in about any place you want.
But the REAL issue is the discussion between family members. We will ALL face death. We ALL must discuss this with our family or loved one who will be there when we are gone, while we are healthy and thinking clearly. It is our responsibility to begin these conversations now, and take care of these issues, so we dont leave our families with these same questions and dilemmas.
No one wants to do it, but we have a responsibility to make it happen. Death IS part of life. And making these plans is just taking care of our loved ones.

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I have put my wishes in writing and made sure that important people in my life have this paper. My plan is specifically designed to be not expensive, since I would prefer my money to go to helping my living friends and family and a particular charity. We all need to decide what we want and make it known. It is difficult to sit in a funeral director's office and decide what the person would have wanted.

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So their plots and headstones are pad for? Did they pay for caskets? If that is the only thing remaining to be purchased, use their funds and inter them where their plots are located. Maybe a few of you can travel to said state and have brief memorial service(s) as they are interred. Perhaps a family member or two would like to speak about their life or lives, assuming that they wouldn't die on the same day.

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Yes-@Linda22 is correct, the plots and the headstone is all that has been paid for. The cost of prep, caskets, vaults, transportation and service will still be pending. We live in a different state than the plots. There are NO family members or friends in that state.

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It sounds like they would still have to pay for preparation, caskets, transport to another state, and interment at the cemetary. My parents have plots in the family plot, and we still had to pay to inter Dad's ashes.

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Yes, DILKimba has answered your and my comments on the post.

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So it sounds like you have burial plots and a headstone. You could have their remains cremated and then buried in the plots. It may be less expensive to abandon these items and have them cremated and interred in a local columbariam. You should probably figure this out now, since when the time comes it will be harder to sort this out. You will be upset and will be given very little time to settle on arrangements. I know how that goes. I will mention that there is such a thing as immediate cremation, so there is no casket to be purchased. Can the burial plots be sold?
The memorial service sounds like a nice idea. These things are for the benefit of tne living, so thinking about the friends and family is important in that decision. I believe it is appropriate to have funeral arrangements that you can afford and to not be going into debt for something beyond your budget.

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NO. NO. NO. DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO BEFORE YOU TURN THE OTHER CHEEK

DR COPPERTINO

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How is this reply pertinent to the discussion??

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DILKimba: That leaves you in a bit of a quandary. You may be able to sell the two plots. But the headstones - to transport such heavy items to your interment spot of choice is going to be an issue. Perhaps it's best that you don't worry about what to do with the headstones. They were bought, period. I wouldn't discuss this with them - too upsetting for dad. Have the memorial service there with your friends when the time comes.

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Funerals for elderly parents/inlaws; should we attempt to discuss plans with father-in-law?

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