I cannot control the anger I feel when I Mom ( has Dimentia) is so damn mean to me and negative about everything. Last night, she spit on me, wished me dead and really hit a soft spot for me. I lost it with her. I grabbed her in her back and pinched her. She screamed bloddy murder for a few minutes. I called my Brother to come over and get her out of my home. He did come by and was able to calm her down. She hates me and I do not know how to handle it.
When she got up this mornng, I was sitting on holdong my head in my hands looking down on the ground. She came over to me, held my face in her hands, told me not to worry, She said, you will get another job, it will all be OK. I started to cry and told her I love her so damn much and. I just want to help you. She said, Honey, do not worry about me, I am just an old lady. I hugged her and she was the loving Mother I have always known. It is not being laid off that has me so darn on teh edge. It is my lack of control over my emotions when she gets so nasty and mean. Hoping today the Dr get her on meds to help her. All she wants to do is go home. I cannot take her home , at least not yet.
How does one keep control. I hate this disease adn I forget sometimes it is a disease and she cannot help herself. How does one not take it so darn personal? I feel like the worst child in the world. I feel something has to be wrong with me that I could not control myself. I cannot stop crying and I do not sleep. I am lost and just want to hide out.
NancyH's advice is spot on -- find ways to NOT take the meanness personally. Maybe imagine her as someone you don't know, or someone you know from church or your growing up, someone who you are taking care of for someone else. Sometimes that Jedi mind trick really helps. When you are in a happier place, like this morning, sit down and make a list of image of your Mom that make you happy: like a little stockpile of things to draw on when the going gets tougher.
ANd if you can swing respite care for her, do so. It will help you get back on your emotional footing. If you can't, maybe there is a volunteer in the community who could come, maybe someone from church?
Either way, keep your siblings posted. Don't try to protect them from what is going on. You will need their help and the more they know the better able they will be to pitch in useful ways. Good luck!
I do Love her dearly. I miss her so much. I believe I am in mourning..I wish this disease on nobody adn if I do ever get this disease, I will leave this world at my own hands. If people with this disease really understood thier future, I wonder if they would choose to leave now..
Best to all...
Today I do realize it is OK to lose my patients. It is OK to want to choke her sometimes. It is NOT OK for me to neglect my mental health. If I am not up to par, than I am no good for her. I am a good daughter. I am Loving and, I do realize she does not remember anything from moment to moment.
Thansk all---I appreciate input and the help.
I've recently heard Pauline Boss speak, and then bought her book, "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia." She is a well-respected researcher and clinical practioner who coined the phrase "ambiguous loss" when she and colleagues were working with families of soldiers Missing in Action. These people were mourning for a loved one presumed dead but they had no body -- no proof. That is a very complicated grief! She also worked with family members of the 9/11 tragedy, with similar issues. In her clincial practice she became convinced that family members of dementia patients also have "ambiguous loss" of a slightly different variety. In our cases, we have the physical presence of the loved one, and yet they are "not there" in very significant ways. She talks about the need to accept paradox. In my case, I know that I am both married and I don't have a husband. Those contradictory things are both true. Instead of a partner I have a dependent.
One of the things Pauline Boss suggests is to have a small ceremony to acknowledge each loss as it occurs. It can be simple and brief and it should involve at least one other person. For example, If your mother loses her ability to feed herself, you and your sister might sit and look at old photo albums together. Be open to the glimpses you'll still be able to see of your Real Mother, and cherish them.
The more you learn about your mother's disease and the more you learn about how other caregivers cope, the better equipped you'll become to put your love into practice in helpful ways.
You ARE a good daughter. Hang in there!
You are a wonderful daughter and there is no doubt in my mind that you love your mom tremendously. Still you are losing your mom to her illness and you have also been laid off from work. You have a lot to cope with so see if you can get some help for yourself. Just a thought. Love and Hugs to you, Cattails.
The Dr prescribed my Mom seroquel for her mood swings and outbursts.
Is anyone familiar with this drug? I have read the side effects. I am not sure this would be a good med for her.
Any input?
But ...
I know other people with the same disease my husband has for whom seroquel either did not work or made matters worse. Reactions to this and similar drugs are highly individualistic.
How will you know if seroquel is a good med for your mom? Try it. I assume the doc started on a small dose and that as the only new drug. Observe her behavior closely over the next days and weeks. Report poor reactions, if any, to the doctor. If it isn't a good med for Mom the doctor can select another one to try. Don't give up hope.
Does this sound a lot like trial-and-error? Yup. That is how it works. Based on many many factors the doctor starts with what (on paper anyway) may offer the best benefits with the least risk of side effects. And if that does not work out, it does not mean the doctor is incompetent. It means each human brain is absolutely unique. So, on to the next drug that sounds likely.
Reading the literature about side effects is OK. And it can help you to know what to watch for. But the first and foremost way to decide whether to use the drug is to have a good doctor, trust him or her to make wise choices, and monitor the results carefully.
Last year I was given a script to help with mood swings. I filled it, got it home, and sat and read the package insert, with all the possible side effects, cried, and took the pill. I am simply not qualified to make a decision based on reading a package insert. I doubt that you are, either. It was scary, but I either trusted the doctor or I didn't.
Has anything been said about what kind of dementia your mom probably has?
I expect you will get several responses telling you that seroquel should never be prescribed for older people, or for dementia, or maybe for anyone. Those are legitimate views with some evidence behind them. But this is the drug your Mom's doctor selected as the most likely to work. Try it. If it doesn't work as expected, try something else.
I know how scary this is. I remember sitting with the fact sheet in my hand and crying. But the condition I was trying to treat -- and that you are trying to treat for your mom -- is very, very scary, too.
Hugs to you.
I've had a very difficult time over the past year, being the primary, live-in caregiver for my mother. She has only mild dementia, so when I lose it and yell, she remembers. When I say things I wish I had never said, she remembers. So, sometimes advanced dementia turns out to be a blessing. How wonderful that you have memories of your Mom as a loving, caring person. And how wonderful that she still reaches out to you in moments of lucidity. You are blessed in that regard.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Do ask for help, though. I had to learn that. It's best to ask for help when you're stressed out, and not wait until things escalate.If your siblings won't help you, contact your local agency on aging and find out what resources are available to you in terms of support groups and respite care.
Also contact the National Caregiving Foundation and they will send you some wonderful material and helpful resources. Also contact the Alzheimer's Association.
I pray that you will be able to rest and take care of yourself, as you take care of your Mom. Your health is just as important as hers is. Let her doctors know that you are her only caregiver and that it's overwhelming you. Let your doctor know as well. They might be able to suggest other local resources for you.
God bless you!
It is a miracle drug and I am en
joying her again. Thanks for all the responses.