Mom is 80 years old & extremely manipulative. Both Mom & Dad (83) live with me. I told Dad she was manipulative & he said she couldn't be. Classic example: we went to dinner and Mom was using her walker. She was fine during dinner, but walking out, she got within 10 feet of the car, started crying, stating she was in agony, couldn't go on and wanted her wheelchair. I had to move the car, get the wheelchair out and wheel her 6 feet all the while she was moaning. We got in the car, and I said, "so, we're going home?". She was perfectly happy and said, "no, we're going to costco". She was able to get into Costco fine with the walker, and puttered around for a couple of hours in the go-cart. She moans and groans and cries when we insist she walks for exercise (20-30 feet walks) if it's just the 2 of us, but if there's company, she's quiet as a mouse.
Dad say's she can't think manipulatively, and refuses to confront her on this behavior.
Am I nuts or what?
You have to outsmart her if she starts what, to you, looks like manipulation. Don't ask your father to sort this out. I think you did right to move the car and get the wheelchair because there WAS the possibility that your mother WAS in agony. But when she asked to go shopping, then you needed to stand up to her and say that since, in the previous few minutes, she had been in such agony you couldn't possibly consider taking her to Costco. Perhaps your mother has reached the stage where she thinks more like a child than an adult and therefore needs you to act like a wise mother. Please let me know what happens if she acts in a similar way again and you act like a wise mother dealing with a child instead of you being your mother's dutiful child trying to keep her happy. Good luck.
No matter what you say and do, your parents are a team. She's playing you like a fiddle; and he's the silent partner who will not intercede until you find the courage to put your foot down and she starts dumping on him. Pitting them against each other is a losing proposition, so treat them as a unit. And yes my dear, Peter will definitely have to pay for Pauline. It's your house, they are your guests, and you are no one's beast of burden. As long as you keep catering to your mother's every whim and tantrum, nothing is going to change.
-- ED
I can't add anything to the wisdom others have shared except this:
Get counseling for yourself. Go out with friends. Be /enjoy who you really are at least part of the time. Also( I learned this from my counselor) sometimes good enough is enough. Don't aim for perfection.
God bless you !
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