Hello Everyone,
I am 38 years old from Ontario, Canada and I live part-time with my 78-year-old mother and my girlfriend the rest of the time.
Unfortunately, my father passed away 8 years ago from a heart attack and I was handed (for lack of words) the responsibility to assist with her and our home which is fairly large.
Over this time it feels like she is losing her ability to understand when or when not to say things (the filter so to speak) and has upset my girlfriend enough times that I just keep them separated.
For me, I just feel like I am at my wits end with this, she doesn’t respect my views and agitates me about them. She acts very selfish, and demanding and will guilt me when I don’t do something or disagree with her.
The biggest issue is that I have a tough time with my anger and she has me so wound up that I just blow up at her (not physically) I tell her to stop but she just says I have anger issues and keeps complaining or demanding.
I try to walk away but sometimes it’s not that easy, I have reached out to our family doctor a few times but our “healthcare system” is so backed up that it could take months to years to have this addressed by the professionals she needs.
The bottom line is that I am concerned that something regrettable will happen and even that I could have a medical issue as I have high blood pressure as it is and a family history.
Could I get some advice to help me with this, it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
The other option is hire help to come in using Mom’s money . Tell Mom this is not working and you need to move out and go back to your own home with your girlfriend .
You are propping up Mom’s lifestyle . Giving her a false independence . If Mom does not need assisted living for personal care yet , and you are just there taking care of the large home, and meals , perhaps Mom could downsize to an independent living apartment in a senior community where she would get housekeeping once a week and up to 3 meals a day .
Mom is nasty to your girlfriend because Mom wants you all to herself . In her mind , your girlfriend is an obstacle .
If Mom refuses options for help that AREN’T you , then back off and “ let her fail” at living in her big house . This is what I was told by a very wise social worker . If you keep doing what Mom tells you to do , she won’t accept help from strangers or sell her home . So long as you are the solution for her , nothing will change for you . In fact it will get worse as she needs more help .
Mom is too controlling . That’s not fair to you . The person who needs help is supposed to be the flexible person .
You should not be her caregiver anymore .
I don’t know about Canada , but in the US we have Agency of Aging who can do a care needs assessment and help with placement . We also have APS ( adult protective services ) who are called to report a vulnerable elder who should not be living alone without help . They can also assist with placement . Either way you have to “ stop helping “ Mom “ let her fail “ , if she refuses to hire help or move out of her house to a senior community where she gets help .
How exactly did you get "handed" the care of your Mother? Any other family around?
I also have high blood pressure too, so you have a perfect reason to back out. Your Mom can hire people, like most of us do without husbands. You are old enough to back out, sop propping her up. She needs to downsize from a big house, and knows it.
Of course she may refuse, so tell her you will hire people (she pays for) to help her. Or she can downsize, sell her big house and get a small condo, or Senior Living. She will be waited on daily, and still be in charge. I'm 70 and planning to sell my ho,e and downsize, it's too much work and money by myself.
Mom's been a widow long enough to know this. Don't let her destroy your prime years of life, especially when so disrespectful toward you. She needs you, you don't need her. Not everyone lives forever in sheer bliss.
You are a grown up adult. You have choices and decisions to make that no one can make for you. I myself would not be taking care of this woman, nor frankly living anywhere near to her.
I would be getting help with my anger issues before they destroyed a relationship I actually cared about--that with my girlfriend.
But that's me.
And you are you. And only YOU can make decisions for your life. And only you will bear the repercussions of those decisions.
I can only wish you the greatest of luck with your choices.
M “is losing her ability” to control her own behavior appropriately. She is ‘selfish and demanding’. This will get worse rather than better. You need to deal with it now. Ignore her – look up ‘grey rock’ and use it when you don’t want to get into an argument. I recommend ear plugs to avoid listening to her. The more you do what she wants, the harder it will be to make her reasonable – why quit when she’s ahead?
It would be surprising if your GF is not as fed up with this as you are – unless she actually wants a part-time relationship. It might help to go together to a counselor, work out where you are both at, develop a goal, and decide on a game plan to reach it. Your lives, your relationship and your futures are on the table.
If she refuses, move out and leave her the phone numbers of a few caregiver agencies in town, Uber, and Wal Mart delivery service.
Best of luck with all of this.
Do you want to change that?
Start there.
This forum led me the way, to digging myself out of extreme burnout, to enjoy my time, my life with my retired husband, and less time with mom and less aggravation
First of all there is no room for guilt here, you didn't cause this, your moms again is not your fault, it's nature's fault and what happen, we can't have life without death.
Your guilt is often not guilt, it may manifest into guilt, but most of the time it's grief, greif of watching your moms aging, changing, and her brain changes.
Have you educated yourself on dementia, if not please do. Teepa Snow on YouTube is good for that. If not her there are plenty of others and books.
Welcome to are forum josh.
But regardless, the fact that you too have high blood pressure and anger issues, means that you like your father are a ticking time bomb and could have a heart attack any time. Will it be worth it? Of course not.
So time for you to first get help for your anger issues and then move away from your mother. If your mother can't handle the responsibility of a large house, then she'll have to sell it and downsize to something smaller and more manageable or move into an assisted living facility if she's needing help with her care.
But bottom line...you are NOT responsible for your mother or her care. You are responsible for yourself, and making sure that you're being the best version of yourself, so you can live the life God intended for you.
Your mother is not going to change, nor should she have to. It is now you that must make the necessary changes to improve your own life, and I hope you will.
In short, she's manipulating you. She's also trying to act as a wedge between you and your girlfriend so that you will break up with her and you can become "hers" effectively "marrying" your mother.
She hasn't lost her filter, she knows exactly what she's doing and she's going to keep doing it till you stand up to her and enforce a boundary. If your mom "wore the pants" in your family did your dad ever stand up to her? Have you? She is also testing you to see how far she can go with her demands before she breaks you. If you never stand up to her, this will continue. She might also be doing this for attention. Any attention, including negative attention, means to her that you are giving it to her, instead of your girlfriend.
You might want to look up how to use the "gray rock" method.
Or lookup "Emotional Incest"
I found when my SIL separated from her ex, suddently my Husband (her brother) was being asked to pop around, fix this, advice on that. Then came invites to weekend BBQs - just him (casually remarking I'm sure Beatty & your kids are busy..)
I didn't know that term *second husband syndrome* but I sure as h3ll felt the effects. I had to open my Husband's eyes to this insidious preditory behaviour. (I tried tactfully, explaining it as some sort of survival instict). Once he SAW it too, he put an instant stop to it.
That was not an elderly widow, regardless, was same result. These controlling types only stop when WE place boundaries.
If she protests or refuses to "allow" anyone but you in to help tell her that the choice is home/heath care assistance or she's on her own.
I totally understand how she presses all your buttons (very likely deiberately) and instigates with the games until you finally just lose it and explode on her. This is the relationship with my mother since childhood. Even then she would instigate a fight with me to get the explosive meltdown tantrum. That's what she wanted. She doubled-down on her efforts around holiday times because she loves ruining happy times. By getting her child (and sometimes one of my sibs) to act up she remained blameless for ruining a holiday yet still enjoyed the satisfaction of knowing she did.
So I totally get where you're coming from and the only way to keep yourself healthy and prevent a violent tragedy happening is to go 'Grey Rock' with her. It's a good thing you don't live with her and are her caregiver. I was.
You ARE NOT her husband. Your mother is jealous that you have a girlfriend and is trying to ruin that. She wants to be your top priority in life. She is in a sense competing with your girlfriend by instigating with her because she wants your girlfriend to explode with anger in front of you then you'll get rid of her. My mother pulled this for years with both my husbands. So they avoided her. So did I. For six years I didn't even speak to her.
You ALWAYS take your girlfriend's side in front of your mother. When she says nasty things about your girlfriend, you put her in her place quick. This is the most effective if you do it in front of your girlfriend. She should defend you as well when your mother is acting up. This shows that you have each other's backs and your mother needs to see it.
I did homecare for 25 years to more seniors than I can remember. In my experience I find when you play their games and allow yourself to be manipulated, the behavior gets worse. I have seen family caregivers put at the end of their ropes so badly by a manipulative elder that it nearly drove them to an act of desperation. This is what I told every one of those family caregivers.
-Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
My friend, no truer words have ever been spoken. You set the terms and conditions with your mother. Then she gets a choice. Either she agrees to them, or you will be forced to put her out of your life.
If she has dementia, you living there part time is futile. She will need someone living there all the time, or she will have to go into a care facility.
Stop letting her manipulate you. This helps no one.
Set terms and boundaries with her or she loses you. No more games. I also find that when people act like she does and it's not dementia-related they put the brakes on this behavior fast when there starts being talk of being removed from home and put into Long Term Care.
You'e observant enough to realize that she's losing her filters. You recognize that mom needs professional help, but it will be years. You need professional help too, so that makes both of you.
What a mess! You can save a lot of worry and misery and possibly your relationship with your girlfriend by MOVING COMPLETELY OUT OF MOM'S HOUSE! You don't have to explain to mom. You make a grownup decision and you do it.
"But that'll make mom angry!!"
So what? It's not the end of the world if mom is angry. Let her stew and steam. You can send food over, stop by briefly once a week, and find her a nice handyman. Maybe she'll run off to Hawaii with him. At age 78, she's not too old to have a fling. If you weren't the man in her life, she might find other friends who would be glad to do her bidding.
Send a 'Grey Army' worker, an older single handyman over..
Oh, & watch Driving Miss Daisy.
Maybe you already know it, but if not they will provide assessment and assistance to senior with disabilities.
Maybe they will even help with getting Mom few appointments, asses safety of her staying at home etc.
What I find comforting somewhat they do provide support for caregivers, my husband has Parkinson’s no dementia but it is possible, at one visit his case worker told me if he starts acting up or I feel at any danger they will assist in placement.
He is extremely mild man and dementia is unlikely to happen so I am not overly concerned.
They also assist with other things and can provide caregiving, respite, day programs, transportation.
They were lifesavers for my GF when her mother was dying as she had caregivers day and night.
Whenever I’d say no to my mother or stand up for myself, she’d tell me I had anger issues. I spent my childhood trying to keep the peace. In middle age I started to recognize how she’d goad me into a fight. All my life she has insisted I am the one with issues, while considering herself perfectly lovely. And so I have gone Grey Rock. Seriously, look it up! Now that she has lost the ability push my buttons and get me to react, she’s moved on to insults. Last time I visited her (now in care due to dementia, but even her “dementia” is peculiar) she hurled comments about how fat and ugly and old I’ve become. (my husband nearly blew but I got him to stay Grey Rock) I could tell it bugged her that she couldn’t get a reaction from me. (but my feelings still hurt)
Plus I, AND YOU, are in the positions of power. You don’t have to put up with her bovine excrement and can walk away. I know all about the guilt, the fear, the sense of obligation. Nothing I did was ever enough. My mother tried to kill herself when I refused to leave my husband and 3 kids to be with her 24/7. (that’s what got her placed in care, away from us)
It may be dementia - my mother’s filter ceased to exist. Or she may be simply selfish, determined to get her way. Or both.
You are not not responsible for fulfilling all her needs. You are not responsible for making her happy. You are not responsible for easing her jealousy. Repeat as needed!
BTW, my BP is back to normal. Save yourself!
Living in peace in a small apartment would be worth it.
I announced to her last week that I am going to move out (into a place of my own) as she currently has a stranglehold over my life. She doesn’t respect my boundaries and this is the only way I knew to enable myself move forward with a life of my own.
Was she *issed? You bet! The night I told her, she called me self-centered, blamed me for my father being in a nursing home, said I have issues, and she didn’t want to see my partner’s face again.
However-once she had time to process things, she calmed down, and is now supportive of my move. My sister also convinced her to extend my partner an invitation to Thanksgiving this year when she wasn’t going to.
I don’t know your particular circumstances and how your mother would react, but I think you know deep down that living with her is not healthy for you. It is not selfish to prioritize your life and relationship. There are other avenues and resources to help your mother.
Even if she becomes angry and throws everything at you that she can to get you to feel guilty, let it roll off your back like water on a duck. She literally can’t control you, a grown man, or your feelings.
Are you, by any chance, living there rent-free in exchange for providing her care? That kind of ‘deal’ is a siren-song for many young people trying to get by these days, but it’s a deadly trap.
Don't let your fear of ‘something regrettable happening’ keep you there. Something regrettable has already happened and there will inevitably be more regrettable things happening, regardless of where you live.
Though some detective work, and because of a family that is full of secrets. I figured out the day before my mother fell, my brother really really went off yelling at my mom.
I'm sure she was still very upset, and I have no doubt it is what caused her anxiety to not be careful.
So please get control of all that.
I do understand your frustration.
Start your life with your girlfriend. Mom chose the life she is living. She is no longer independent. Stop propping up her false sense of independence.
The house is too much for the both of you.
Take care everyone, and best of luck to each of your situations as well. 😊