We were able to put my mom in a memory care facility two and a half years ago. My dad, not wanting to leave her, joined her in the same room. About a year ago, the two had to be separated and my dad was moved into his own room in AL.
Because the two do not get along 24/7 and recent history of injury in their time together, my dad has been restricted in how much time he can spend with Mom and where they can be together...no longer allowed to be alone in her room. This has caused him a lot of unhappiness and depression. Unfortunately, in his quest to be with her 24/7, he has not taken the opportunity or time to get to know residents in AL, though he and Mom have participated in activities together when she was able to do so.
Mom now needs skilled care and must move. Dad wants to move back to the house he lived in for nearly 60 years, with Mom in a nearby facility. Mentally, dad can handle that right now, though his mental capacity is diminishing slowly. Physically, he has difficulty with steps (for shower and laundry) and there is some concern about him fixing his own meals and taking his meds. He has learned to navigate steps like a toddler would, so that is actually less of a concern. His balance is somewhat shaky, but he realizes when he is having difficulties and does have a walker.
The bottom line is that siblings are in Conflict about the best next move for Dad. Does he have the right to live in his own home, even if that means he dies there? Morally, should he be required to have home health care, even if he doesn't want it, for his own safety?
We have all paperwork in order and have taken actions on his behalf, such as bills. None of us would live within 20 minutes of him and those closest to him have very busy lives, but he calls all of us constantly, so we would know if he was having difficulties. His house is in a small town, with few resources, though he has his own resources and CAN be very crafty in using them. He doesn't drive and would be unable to walk to the grocery store. The store does not deliver, nor does he want to use the closest one because of expense. When he sees how much it costs to have somebody come in to help, he would probably cancel them.
The difficulty is that he is so very unhappy right now. Moving to his house would make him happy for a honeymoon period, but will not play out according to the image that I'm sure he has in his head. Do we let him move there anyway, or do we insist that he stays wherever mom is moved to, to get the care he would need? If he stays at the house, the end would not be pretty, but every now and then he gives hints that he is also a little hesitant about living alone, so there is a small chance he would only be there for a short time before moving into a facility.
Dad has had a lot of difficulty facing reality, mom's decline as well as his own. He has also always been very self-focused, believing the world should revolve around him and that everyone will come running to do his bidding. We have made it very clear that we are unable to run errands whenever he likes, but are willing to help as we can.
Yes! So which is the closest sibling or the the one who would end up steppin' and a fetchin' for Dear Ol' Dad? I hope it wouldn't be YOU! That would be a VERY slippery slope. Your father must be truly independent and not the kind of enabled "independence" that many elders demand.
Is there any way of arranging a trial period? - you could put it to him, for example, that if finds he isn't managing confidently by [March/Easter/whatever date], then Plan B is [whatever Plan B is]. This would help him save face and avoid the idea that you children are "bullying" him into making a move he's unhappy with.
I don't think the honeymoon would last very long. Even among independent seniors, it's the loneliness they long to escape. And if he's already done well in a facility and knows the routine, he won't be afraid of them in the way that some people are.
By the way. You do NOT agree to run errands. Independent means that - he does it himself, or he pays for services, or he accepts the mark-up the nearest store has to charge for being so handy. You can't delegate "being independent" to your children.
Many seniors will say "I'm capable of living independently, with a little help." There is always a lot of pressure to keep them "in the community" and have family provide the "little help" that they need. "Aging in place" is a big goal these days, to save the government the cost of providing nursing home placement for those who must rely on Medicaid. The tension will undoubtedly grow as the aging population soars, between caregivers who want seniors to take responsibility for themselves and societal pressure to force families to provide care.
This is a sad situation. I think you all understand what the outcome of this will be, sooner or later. For myself, I would be as happy to die in my home of the I-have-fallen-and-I-can't-get-up syndrome. But usually it isn't that easy. It is that you are found, patched together and chucked back into the facility.
How sad. So many posts today involve our living so very long, so very unhappily, and with no upside whatsoever that I can make out. It seems a societal problem.
IMO he will realize that this is not a doable plan...this will happen if you do not cater to him.
I do agree, he needs to be in a home.
Good Luck, I know that it is not easy.
Do whatever you need to do to convince him it's best to stay put in Assisted Living. Even in AL you will need to do A LOT for him............some people seem to think that once a parent is placed then all the work is done for the child(ren) and they can go along their merry way, footloose and fancy free. That is NOT the case, trust me. You'll have your hands full ENOUGH with the crises that happen at AL.
Best of luck........I know what 'stubborn' looks like and I also know what 'picking up the pieces of the mess the stubborn make' looks like.
For over 2 years Dad has been waited on. He has gotten3 meals a day. Meds gotten on time because the Nurse gives it to him. Gets his laundry done. Probably had a place where coffee was always available. Who is going to that for him if he is alone in his own home. Plus, how is he going to visit Mom? And u say they don't always get along meaning the facility could ban him if he causes her anxiety.
Everything you have described about him means he needs to stay in an AL. He really isn't able to live on his own without lots of help. And the loneliness. He is going to expect his children to fill that void. He needs to understand that you have jobs and responsibilities to your own family. Those siblings that think allowing him to go home is a great idea should be told then they can be the ones to help him.
I like the trial period thing. The only problem u would have is getting him back to the AL if he finds he can't live alone.