My 83 year old mother shows overwhelming favortism to my youngest brother, she screams at me when he is around and he screams at me as well. We grew up in a dysfunctional home and it is still dysfunctional. I recently moved back in my Mom's home but it only lasted a couple of weeks. My Mom still takes care of herself and my brother as well. I'm having a mental issue with the favortism, I do not know how to deal with the issue and it makes my heart bleed that I can not communicate my feelings with her or my brother. This has been going on every since I can remember I do not remember my childhood around 12 years old until now at 59 years old it has always been this way however now she and my brother has become violent and My mother says it's my fault. I need advise and help I don't know what to do.
Your profile says you care for 92 yo Elbie. ???
You say Mom is 83 and takes care of herself and the family is dysfuctional , she shows favoritism for your brother since you were a child and now she and your brother are violent .
I am happy that you left her home .
Stay away and seek help from a therapist for your mental health. You can start by getting a check up from your PCP . Maybe they can recommend a therapist .
Favortism can happen at any age .
Stay away from abusive family . You can learn to live a better life without them.
Good luck .
Unfortunately my sisters’ relationship fell apart several years ago and I don’t think they will reconcile. They will not be in the same room together and will not talk to each other. and I act as the go between. I feel stupid enabling this behavior but there needs to be some communication between the three of us about our parents.
I blame my mother for a lot of the hard feelings and bitterness they have for each other. It’s a sad situation. I am going through the motions to fulfill what I believe are my obligations to my parents but I just don’t feel much for my mother anymore. Dealing with her in her old age has opened my eyes to who she is and it is not pretty.
Why you would have moved back in with your mother to begin with is beyond me.
For your own mental health's sake, please stay away from both of them and get yourself into some much needed therapy.
You at this point in your life owe your mother and brother NOTHING, and neither will ever change, so quit holding out hope. Time to be realistic and know that the only person you can change is yourself, so start today by cutting your ties from your dysfunctional family and move forward towards a more healthy you and life.
I will leave you with one of my very favorite sayings....."Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence."
If you have not moved away from a dysfunctional family for all these many years, it's late at 59 to sever the natal cord. You say you're having a "mental issue" with your mother's favoritism for your violent brother who still lives in her the family home. That you moved in with them, but have now moved out again (GOOD on you for that latter).
If this is the case I think you honestly need much more than the sympathy and caring of a bunch of strangers on a Forum. I think you honestly need mental health professionals to help you break habitual patterns of reaction. In fact it is quite late to address this lifelong habit.
As to a pattern of favoritism: I am not a believer, but I've often read the bible for its lovely and poetic allegories. I recommend reading about the Prodigal Son. (Luke 15, 11-31) It is an age old truism that the most troubled child often gets the most attention. He/she is often seen as the most needy. Parental instinct plays into it.
Step outside the bible to psychology and there are many theories as to how dysfunctional families "divide up the goodies (love)" or how they "choose a victim". At its worst it can move to a child singled out for severe physical punishment and even death.
Knowing these things doesn't help YOUR pain.
Please seek help.
I wish you the very best, and your case is more proof of my belief that the best place for children who have reached the age of majority is 1,000 miles away from their parents.
Not saying I don't need to see a therapist now, I'm sure it would be be good for me but op definitely needs to start there
Accept this, neither of them will change, leave them in your dust, reinvent yourself become a new version of you.
Happiness and acceptance can be on the horizon for you, start the change now.
Read melody Beatties books, about codependency
It may be 2 steps forward and one step back, but continue to move forward.
Letting go of old habits is so hard, letting go of people you care about is even harder, just remember as much as you care about them, they can't care about you. It's just not in there DNA, I guess you could say. Most of the time there is no good reason and you did nothing wrong. The only thing you did wrong was being there for people that will never be there for you. Blood or no blood
You have years of brain washing to over come. You can't just over come it with our help. Today you made the first step in getting that help. So keep stepping forward.
One of the things that was hard for me when I started therapy was admitting I was mentally abused. I don't know why, because it shouldn't be, but you can't turn your life around without admitting it . The other thing that's been hard for me was asking for help. Admitting you need help, because so many times in my life I was disappointed because the people I thought cared where not the ones that would help me. So I learned not to ask for help, I didn't feel like anyone would be there for me.
But we are here for you. Take the suggestion that people have given you that you like and ask more anytime.
Best of luck to you my friend
You cant be the scapegoat if you aren’t participating.
and I’m sorry. It’s a shame and it’s never going to get better. The above is what I did and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
She was 95 with onset dementia & I was caring for her when all this ugliness really came out full force. He started telling me how I was going to do things for her while he did nothing. He told me he had “POA….he had control”.
I ended up telling him he could do it all himself & walked away. To spite me he took her to a lawyer and amended her trust to remove me completely so that he would get 100% of her estate.
Walk away for your own health & sanity.
Senior Services or talk to a lawyer.
ive told him off over the years
he doesn’t stop
i just brush it off or make a joke now - it’s not going to change
I’m always helping family- they just ignore it - he says it’s not favouritism and I’ve always been there for him more and he treats us all the same
- I was quicker on academic so that may have appealed to his ego
who knows
sometimes in life there are things you just have to ignore
earlier years I felt a little resentment but as my family grew up and matured they realised it actually doesn’t matter- the lovewe have for each other is stronger - no one has to prove anything
S for your strong feelings -I think it’s wasted on closed ears you need to speak to a counsellor- it’s not your family who will
mend you it’s you
and a counsellor will steer you how to
best wishes
Perhaps, then, she will feel God's goodness.
Do you have any available counseling through your work? Every job I've ever held offered free EAP services. Maybe there's something available through your city or county. I'd reach out for assistance to help with emotionally detaching from this situation.
Your physical absence needs to be immediate if they're now violent.
In a nutshell....
I had a twin brother and for as long as I can remember, he was a tattle tale. He was without a doubt my mother's favorite. As she once told me, "we love our boys".
My brother was always on the hunt for something that I had done or was doing that could get me into trouble with my very strict parents.
The biggest error that my parents made was acting on his tattling. It paid off for him because it got me into trouble. I would get called on the carpet and/or blindsided, punished, shamed, etc.
I learned to be very secretive and underground but that didn't stop my brother from hunting for anything he could find.
He would even criticize - to my parents - my mothering style when I was raising my two children. Mind you - he never married or had children himself.
The unhealthy relationship between he and my mother deepened after my father died in 2004. We were 45 years old at the time. Over the ensuing years, the triangulation was crazy.
Anything that I did or said that set my brother off would become a huge huge deal with my mother coming after me - sometimes they would pile on together. Any apologies that I made were discarded and disregarded.
Way back in 2016 - one particular event - I was very upset and here are a couple of things that my mother said to me. (From my journal).
* I'm jealous of her relationship with my brother.
* I'm resentful because I "think" he has been given more than me.
* I started this argument.
* I'm too sensitive. I've always been way too sensitive.
* I was just as "bad" as my brother growing up.
Blame, blame, guilt, shame........sigh........
I didn't realize the depth of the co-dependency and enabling between them until I had to bring my mother into my home in 2017 to care for her, and she brought with her the toxic relationship with my brother.
To make matter worse, by this time, my brother was a full-blown raging alcoholic and pill popper who was no longer able to hold down a job. My mother had been financially supporting him to some degree for most of his adult life and it was still going on with a vengeance.
It was miserable for me. It didn't end until my brother passed away 5 years ago. I do miss my brother and the relationship that we never were able to forge. I blame my parents for not putting a stop to his tattling which became a life time dynamic.
So I'm very sorry that you're stuck in the same situation with people who should be supporting and valuing you.
It's not your fault!!!
It goes back to the parent(s) who could put a stop to it.
You will never change it.
Don't blame yourself!!!
I wish you peace and happiness. 💕
It is trauma and wounding.
WHAT TO DO?
I sense you need to develop inner resources to set limits with both your mother and your brother. You are currently (perhaps over a life-time) allowing them to interact / communicate / talk to you as they do ... (perhaps it is emotional / verbal abuse).
You need to say: S-T-O-P immediately when this starts to occur.
You need assert how you feel and that being disrespected will not be tolerated.
They will continue to do / 'test' you as this is a new response from you and for them to hear.
At some point, you will need to make a decision:
1) Allow this to continue.
2) If they continue when you state your boundaries and needs, you will need to:
a) Either leave the room; and/or
b) Decide how to be involved with your mother and your brother.
3) You may need to step aside or down - get out of this dyfunction. Only you can do that. It will hurt as it is a huge loss to you - although being in this 'family dynamic' is toxic and (will continue to) affect you in every way: emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically.
Whatever you decide, consider if you want to get into therapy. It is wounding and trauma. You need to learn (your value as a human b-e-i-n-g) and that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It starts with you believing you deserve how to be treated by others. They won't do it on their own. As the saying goes "We teach others how to treat us." Yes. We do.
You (may not) will not change your mother perhaps although you will change yourself and not only feel better about being you, you will MEET a new you.
To encourage this change of self-image / self-love / self-respect, include exercise and a good diet, get enough sleep, increase/find supportive networks - and as needed new friends to support you in loving yourself / valuing yourself.
From my point of view, this is the goal. If your brother doesn't get on board, then you need to ask yourself: Is this relationship worth it?
And, yes. My sister was one year older than me and favored by my mother.
My mother was told that my sister needed 'special attention' due to being legally blind in one eye. Whether that has anything to do with my mother's feelings / behavior with how she treated me ... or having two young children back-to-back and no inner or outer resources to know how to 'mother' to support the development of both her children - who knows. The thing is, we all need to deal with who we are and do the best we can to be the best 'me' and 'you' possible - through hard inner work, and support.
Gena / Touch Matters
You owe them nothing.
Let someone else deal with everything.
Live your own life.
I am in a dysfunctional family situation myself. After high school, l lived with my mother for over 30 years just so I had shared housing and decent jobs since I lacked sufficient income to live on my own. My mother had mental problems, but we worked things with our faith. One of my sisters was jealous because Mom and I did some traveling and she could not join us. Sorry, but my siblings lost the West Coast for greener pastures.
Finally, my mother was forced into assisted living when too old to care for herself. It was a relief off my back to live by myself in peace.
The worst thing is, he's a man I spent a few nights with over NYE 2019-2020. Hence him being early 50s (my age).
She has him stay with her for about five days every fortnight and they get drunk together, fight, and generally behave horribly. He still wants *me* but I want nothing to do with him.
My father refuses to intervene, in fact he and his partner prefer me there. So again I have gone no contact with either of my parents. I am living in my car or motel rooms.
I can't believe she's done this and it's in its fourth year.
This is what worked for me:
1) Put a lot of distance between you and your Mom and brother. Physical distance. Make a life of your own, be financially stable and proud of it, and don't seek affirmation from them. Don't request or expect financial or emotional assistance from them, now or in the future.
2) When they want you to see you or you see them, thoroughly vet out the reasons before agreeing to anything they say. If you have to hang up on them, do. If your instincts say "no" then believe your instincts. Don't offer your home if they come to visit. Don't let them manipulate you into providing them anything.
3) Seek help of a therapist.
My Mom used to pit my brother and sister against me. She threatened to dis-inherit me. I said "please do." She did, and I didn't care. I went "no contact" for awhile with her and visited my Dad separately from her.
After my Dad died, I later went to "limited contact." When she came to see me, we couldn't be in the same room for more than 2 hours without her irritating me. My brother kept on telling her to stop being such a bully. She denied being a bully. When I was in her city, I never stayed at her house, never took anything she offered, always paid for my own meals, as everything she provided had "strings attached". I never knew when or in what form, the payment would be. I made sure she never used the guilt trip on me. I couldn't even throw trash away in her trash can, as she would dig it out and try to use it against me.
My brother did his time with her during her retirement years. He watched over her, took her places, fixed things around the house, etc. I kept in touch with my mother via my brother. In the meantime, I've built up my finances and my education and totally could give a damn less about her. Whenever she visited, I was always anxious around her and couldn't wait for her to leave.
Yes, my brother got numerous things from my mother. She paid for his car insurance, down payments on real estate, gas money, monthly allowance (yes, he was married), etc. She would throw it in my face. I did not react positively or negatively.
In her early 90s, we had a big "blowup" and I told her that if she didn't respect my rules while she was in my house, then she was no longer welcome. She called my brother and got no sympathy from him. However, her behavior did change toward me to be more respectful.
In her late 90s, beginning of dementia (although we didn't know it at the time), I'm the only one she trusts with her health and finances. I ended up being her primary caregiver for the last 5 years of her life.
So, my advice to you is to quit trying to get affirmation from your Mom or your brother. Do what you can do to become completely independent from them. Be an upstanding member of the community.
You can do it!