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Now that I am 3 months into being my Aunt's caregiver (in California), my mother is arriving tomorrow to move into her new home near me here in Montana.


I would love to hear from anyone who is caring for two people so far apart.


Thanks!

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Haven’t done that but first thing I would say is start out with your mother the way you want it to be. Set limits, don’t do things with her or for her “just until she gets used to the changes” and don’t let her take over your life. Good luck!
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As the last of my immediate family I ended up careing for both parents who were 600 miles from me.

As for out of state aunt are you the sole person looking after her? You have POA? Control of her finances? Medical info? Does she have dementia? Mobility issues?

I would need more info to give much advice. But you will have to spend some time with her and lay some track, assess the situation or hire someone to oversee her care.
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xrayjodib Feb 2020
Yes I have POA.
She is in assisted living.
She does have dementia although her Doctor has not given her a full diagnosis. He states as advanced memory decline vs dementia.
I have control of all finances.
She has no mobility issues.
She is in assisted living due to memory issues only. She can do her everyday things, but she doesn't remember to take meds or if she has eaten. She had totally lost the ability to make any kind of decision other than what to wear. Even that takes 5 or 6 changes before she's tired and sticks with what she has on at that moment.
Thanks!
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Xray, I live next door to my 90-yr old mom (in MN), manage care for my MIL (86 in LTC local to me) and am PoA for my mom's 2 sisters in FL (ages 97 and 100) who live in their home. You need to be organized, for sure, as your LOs lose abilities and memory capabilities and this will sneak up on you. So for your distant people it really helps to have contact and a relationship to anyone who can be a local ally for them in cases of emergency or just needing accurate info. This can be family, friends, and especially neighbors (if your Aunt lives in her home). Be sure to show gratitude to these helpers. You also have to have all her critical and sensitive info under control if she isn't on Medicaid. Do as much online as possible. If she's in a NH call the admin and staff often to forge positive and productive relationships with them (and again, be sure to show gratitude).

For your mom, if you are her PoA, be sure to get all her critical info under control and make sure anyone who visits in her home won't be able to see or access check books, credit cards, cash, passport, jewelry, sensitive records, prescription pain meds, etc. So, a locking fire proof safe (on a rolling cart cause they're heavy) is what I use. Make sure you keep track of keys and don't necessarily give your mom access to its key unless she really needs it. I just read on this forum about how a LO was caught ripping up what they thought was mail and it turned out to be the deed to their house. She had never done anything like that before.

My aunts in FL are cared for partly by a trusted relative and partly by a companion from an agency. I do as much as I can online and have a very communicative relationship with the agency admin. Every time I visit I take photos of my Aunts' state IDs, prescriptions, confirm who their current doctors are, etc. One aunt is 100% mentally functional and the other has late stage dementia.

The concern for your aunt will be advocating for her optimum health, and protecting her from harm or financial abusers (usually family). If she's on Medicaid, this latter issue won't be a problem. But if she has assets you will need to be vigilant. The same goes for your mom, as scammers and thieves are always looking for their opportunities and the elderly are always vulnerable, especially if your mom still drives and has a smart phone or computer. Which reminds me: storing her passwords and making sure she isn't constantly changing them will require some attention. Best to try to get her to trust you to manage all her accounts digitally and just give her paper printouts of finances she is interested in seeing. Keeping good record of contacts, and details is very important, and creating a management system that makes your caregiving efforts as easy and stress-free as possible is very important. Blessings!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Geaton,

Geeeeez, you have your hands full!
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At one time I cared for both of my parents at the same time and later my brother and mom at the same time as well as my oldest daughter who has health issues.

It’s all about scheduling. I had to be extra careful with their doctor appointments, making sure they weren’t scheduled for the same day and time.

As far as daily living. I learned years ago to meal prep, cook and freeze to reduce stress and eat healthy. I despise fast food junk and not going to allow myself to become unhealthy from eating junk.

I did not take enough time for myself. I continually put myself on the back burner. All work and no play is miserable for anyone. Don’t neglect yourself like I did. Make the time to enjoy your life. Your mental state really does effect your entire life.
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Geaton777 Jan 2020
A huge YES to the self-care part! Important advice, NHWM!
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I would move them together in the same facility.
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When my mother first became ill, I was married and lived 700 miles away. I personally found it extremely difficult to manage her care from a distance. The constant, unexpected trips home were expensive and physically/emotionally taxing. Later when I divorced, I moved near my family and the hands on caregiving years began. It’s been 10 years now and has included the care of my mom, my aunt and my dad. I’m still caring for dad. I used to be proud of myself for all that I did but now I’m just tired and bitter. Everyone’s journey is a little different. I hope yours is the best it can be. Good luck.
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how can you be a caregiver if you do not live with them -- if they fall or get in other injuries, they are still by themselves. How do you change diapers unless you pay for 24/7 caregivers, and you have to be very wealthy to be able to afford that.
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xrayjodib Feb 2020
Cetude,
Ok, when I say caregiver, I mean I am responsible for everything relating to their medical and financial care.
My Aunt is in ALF in California. Her home of 42 years had to be sold for her to afford to be there.
My mother (currently with me) is moving into a retirement village in the independent living section.
None of us is very wealthy. No one needs diapers yet! Lol
Even though we are not all living together, I am still completely overwhelmed with handling two other peoples affairs. Assisted living facilities don't schedule Doctors appointments, pay bills, do their shopping or anything other than monitor meds and make sure they don't run off.
In that respect, I am taking care of two women.
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For years I have taken care of my husband, aunt and mother. My mother just recently passed away so now its just two. Both have dementia. My aunt lives in assisted living now but see and take care of most of her and my husband is full time. He has other health issues. The only suggestion I have for you is to pray for peace and joy in all you have to endure. It is not an easy task at all. And the other is make sure you take time for yourself and have a person you can vent or get suggestions from. If you don't think of yourself first it can be a mighty challenge.
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between my aunt and mom and with my hubby's family.. It ws a bit of a stretch. then my married brother became part way of my taking care of hil.

As it turned out, I was able to place both mom and aunt into facilitty...One stop shop for them It was great.
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xrayjodib Feb 2020
Mayday,
My ultimate goal is to move my Aunt up here to the same facility as my mom. They're sister-in-law's.
The problem I have is that my Aunt doesn't want to leave her son. There is an elder abuse OP against him. She doesn't remember the sutures and broken rib caused by his abuse. She only remembers the "sweet little boy " from yesteryear.
I am praying with all my might that God opens a window for me too get her here!
You confirmed it would be so much easier!!
Thanks!
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How is that possible? They must be in good health. I am taking care of 2 elderly womem. Both of whom are on Hospice with Stage 4 cancer. Each live in their homes alone. I also assist 4 others. They just need help with errands. All of them are within 6 miles of my home. It's important that I take only those are living close to me. The 2 hospice patients are priority. I have to be ready whenever they need me.
It is quite the juggle, but it is my calling. I get very little pay from IHSS. Others pay me out of pocket ot with their medical insurance who offer these programs.
Good luck to you.
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xrayjodib Feb 2020
God bless you girl!!
They are both in descent health.
My Aunt in California has dementia. Although her short term memory is shot, physically she's in fair health. My mom who is temporarily with me, has her mind, but has several medical issues.
There is no financial gain for me.
I love them both.
I have come to realize that caregiver stress is relative! Even though we are all basically on the same journey, we all have very different experiences.
So supporting each other is so important!!
Again, God bless you for all that you do!!
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My mom and aunt were SIL's too... By the time I got them together, mom got ALZ and stopped talking, and aunt says very few words....
And then the facility moved them into different rooms... for the facility's benefit. They put mom in a room with a woman who had to have the tv on 24/7, with the noise... seriously????? no night time rules :( television 24/7 on and speaker on, even when hospice .. After I had a whole night with my mother, and talking and praying with a friend who actually lives in another country to pray with me, cuz she was up and alert....Thank God my brother decided to come down after 9 calls in one day.... That roommate would have had her tv re=set over her head.....
It's been a few years... no I do not hold grudges... trying not to, hence this website... I am getting it out... Please accept my apology..\\
Your mom and aunt are SIL's like my mom n aunt.... I hope they get along...
It seems like they may have their brains still engaging...
So, keep note.. Do they act accordingly? nice? hopefully,,,. Your aunt must be like mine...no kids... no immediate relatives.. children.... For I was physically closest to my aunt. I moved her 2 minutes away... Makes things much easier.
Aunt's other relatives are states away, and she does not want to live there... I am good with that... I drop in and see her anytime I want....
And on the last note: Keep your LO's CLOSE TO YOU... It's best for them and you.
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My apologies: I saw that your aunt has an older son who abused her...
If you can... dont say anything... Tell him she is out visiting.. She will return when she wants. Thank you for being concerned... (only if it were that simple)
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I’m in a very similar situation although both LO are in the same city. I’m not having an easy time emotionally & am struggling to try to care for myself. I honestly feel like I live in WTFLand. I don’t know what either one is talking about half the time.
Moved mom to AL here after dad died a year ago. She’s virtually blind & has memory issues. My hubby has low memory & aphasia since a stroke 3 years ago. He wasn’t able to work again & recently retired.
The paperwork is daunting between medical insurance, benefits claims, assistance claims, and everyone getting it wrong & you spend all day on the phone. Doc appts for three people, special needs. It’s never ending.
At any given moment there can be an emergency, real or perceived. And the awful dread knowing hubby doesn’t have long. I’ve sat in an ER with earbuds playing calming meditations on my phone. Sometimes the same one over & over just trying not to lose it.
I have managed one short vacation per year alone. Lifesavers. I’m working like hell to get a life. I get done what I can & go with the flow. That’s the best I can do. I look forward to other’s answers so I can learn too.
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xrayjodib Feb 2020
Hang in there Sundog!!
Many hugs!!!
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