How do you deal with an abusive parent?

These two articles may be worth reading. Good luck. It's hard.
Carol

https://www.agingcare.com/127206 Caring for parent who didn't care for you
https://www.agingcare.com/137122 Elders abusing their adult children.

Don't.

If possible, set some boundaries and stick to them. They will learn that controlling behavior won't work.
Just like a child they will push as far as they can.
If they get abusive, walk away for a while. Tell them you'll be back when they decide to behave like an adult. Give them some time to think about it before you return (1/2 hr or more).
"Is this the same mom/dad that taught me manners?"
"Who are you and what have you done with my parent?"
"If you're going to lie to me I need to excuse myself"
"Did you misplace your compassion?"
"Trying to exercise control over the one caring for you?"
etc., etc., etc.

Have you read the book "Elder Rage" yet? The author talks about her own abusive father and how she dealt with caring for him. My Dad has always had a mean streak and reading this book at least gave me some ideas of things to try.

I deal with a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) mum and find I have to set limits and review and reset them continually. It isn't easy as she continually pushes the boundaries. Detaching with compassion is great if you can get there. I periodically need to distance myself - which in my case means not responding to any contact - taking a break to lower my stress levels. For me recently the pressure has triggered some bad childhood memories (PTSD) for which I am going to counseling. I am hoping to develop more strategies for dealing with mother as she ages and her needs increase. I don't know what your arrangement is with your parent, If he or she lives in your home it is much more difficult than if he or she lives separately. Hope you are finding some answers. It is a very tough problem.

Is it a legal fact that loved ones diagnosed with "dementia" cannot be placed in a care facility by anyone other than themselves signing themselves in if they have not been diagnosed as incompetent?

SIS:

I just finished reading Carol's "Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships." Mom has a PhD in Child Abuse, and made sure to install lots of buttons to have an excuse to "work" us when we misbehaved. At the time, moms were considered goddesses who knew best; so she could go on "disciplining" us with cigarette burns, a hot iron to an arm, raw rice we knelt on while watching each other's naked bodies, a whip made up of telephone wires (if you were 12 y/o you'd get 13 lashes [1 extra just in case she forgot to punish your for a real or imaginary transgression like asking for a mango pit]).

She was a peach. Broken down, I "detached" into my mind so the pain wouldn't hurt anymore. During a family reunion in sun-drenched Puerto Rico she rambled to my sons about how tough she was with me and all that "I don't care is he's 7 feet tall, I'll slap the s__t out of him." I smirked, and she got up from the other end of the table to actually do it. I told her I'd hang her bones to dry in the beach if she ever touched me again.

Unable to inflict any physical abuse, her mouth is running on all 4 cylinders -- even in her sleep. That doesn't work either. Easter of 2005 she dressed as Mary Magdalene. People around me talked about what a faithful woman she was. I wanted to stone her. The following year she had to do one up, and carried a crucifix she made from tree limbs in the backyard. I wanted to nail her to a cross that could hold her weight long enough for stray dogs to take the bones away in the middle of the night.

Instead of seeking forgiveness from her children, she's atoning through outside sources. My sisters feel sorry for her, and now claim she's been a source of inspiration in their lives and are grateful for the ongoing psychological abuse. They should all be committed. But I know better. Mom's just "dopefiending." She's as manipulative as ever. During the day a wanna-be Mother Theresa feeding and caring for the neighborhood's little "angels." Thugs in training who don't go to school, work as "spotters" for the drug pushers, and have no respect for their own parents. At night either the Gangsta B__ch, Heroin, Homicide, or Hooker Barbie outfit comes out and anything goes.

In sum, she fears me. She knows that I know who/what she really is and what she's up to. I've "detached;" she keeps her distance from a son who doesn't know how to be grateful for all the sacrifices she's made on behalf of her brood -- including killing our spirit, dreams, and aspirations. Come to think of it, our self-respect, self-esteem, and self-respect were dictated by a woman who's never had any. To gain her acceptance, we had to do whatever this slavedriver wanted. A woman whose terror tactics were designed to ensure her children's subservience. It's no wonder my sisters never did much in life except become of replica of their mother.

Her platinum hair and white daily wear don't fool me. But she's a martyr to everyone else. "Saved" through her daily deeds, she's already paved her way to Heaven.

I'll take care of her tombstone when her time comes: "Heaven Doesn't Want Me, He'll Afraid I'm Going to Take Over." Wherever she goes, there won't be any buttons to push.

Big Sis. I also am in this same ordeal, and I can't really give too much advice because I could use advice. I can say that it just helps alot to be in this network where you can ask questions, and people give good feed back. I suggest taking things one day at a time. Make SURE you make extra time for you, and even therapy if thats a option can be helpful to talk and get your feelings out. Everyone needs to vent. I wish you luck! kellyb

Sorry for the typos and the irreverence. I meant "self-respect, self-esteem, and self-worth" + "Hell's Afraid..."

Everyone thinks (or acts like they think) my mother is the grandmother found in all of the generic storybooks. She isn't. I have tried to deal with the issue in the following ways: I call her on her behavior, I have pointed out that she is stuck with me as her caregiver and we need to work toward getting along, I no longer pretend she is easy to deal with when people tell me what a sweetheart she is, and I am going through counseling to help me deal with her. I read books that help me understand her. Leaning on this website helps. Before my father died, he asked me to take care of my mother because she was so tough to deal with at times. He told me that I would stand up to her when necessary. I am a special ed teacher and I work with children who have neurological disorders and behavior issues. My training helps me with Mom. My mother and I are only 5 feet tall,but my family is afraid of her. I have learned to stand up to her because I know I deserve better treatment. I refuse to pretend she is Mother Teresa, but I have learned to love her where she is at and she seems to love me back in her own way. At times I just walk away for awhile. It is very important to do so at times. I can visualize my father grinning at me from a cloud in heaven while pushing me to hang in there with her. Oddly enough, my mother and I are developing a working relationship. I avoid my siblings who treat her with sainthood characteristics and live miles away from her, and I try to remember that love is what counts. I hope some of this helps.Best wishes.

Emjo... my mother also has BPD.. I have been verbally abused and belittled by her for so my years, I can't even count, however, I always jumped at her every need (no matter how much it hurt me or my family). I finally started seeing a counselor about 6 months ago and she is teaching me to set my boundaries, stick to it, etc., but I still need to do certain things for her, such as take her to the doctor,etc. She lives in assited living, but she wants ME.. my children and my husband refuse to see her anymore as she is so mean and hurtful to us all, so now, when I do see her, I do it alone. This is fine because I have put my children through way too much their entire lives. She has ruined EVERY family occasion or holiday that we have ever had. So... today, I am taking her out.. is she happy about it? No, of course not, because "I have turned her grandchildren against her".. so, i will have to listen to her rag about why my children aren't along, instead of trying to have an enjoyable afternoon with her. She tells everyone how mean I am to her, how I never come and see her, etc., but because she also has dementia, she can't even remember that I was there last week and took her out to lunch..I find the entire situation impossible, but feel totally stuck since I am an only child and my father died over 10 years ago. I read the book "Elder Rage" and although it does give some pretty good ideas, my mother does not learn from the boundaries.. she simply calls more and leaves more messages..
One good thing though is that my therapist suggested i get an additional cell phone. Only she has the number to that phone, so I can choose to simply put it in a drawer and not answer, and then when I am mentally prepared I can listen to the 17 messages that she has left me in the last two hours. LOL!! (the number of messages is totally true!)
I pray for everyone who has to deal with this type of parent and look for answers and guidance where ever I can. The problem is.. we can't get rid of it entirely, because we still have to manage the money, the doctors appts., balancing the checkbook, buying the groceries, dealing with the mail. Thank the Lord that she does not live with me.

I think if we have an abusive parent, we have known it for years, as the signs are there from early on. If you have done your best for the parent as far as elder care, his/her physical and medical needs are met, then we need to re-program ourselves, as healthy adults, to ignore their ridiculous attempts to continue controlling us and everyone they abuse. One, they are afraid of losing that which they masterfully wielded for a lifetime, and they realize on some level, they are losing, period. I have started to look at it as mine is going to get what is coming to her now: the best DETACHED care I can give her and no arguing with her demented denial. Don't jump every time they command. Do what you need to do for them, but take care of yourself first. Tell him/her: "That's the way it is."

My problem is an "abusive spouse". My world is apparently "all about him now". He requires 24/7 care now for his safety? What about the spouse being abused?

DESPERATE:

If he's of sound mind -- and if you can afford it -- tell him you're going to kick his a__ to the curb. Either he cleans up his act or finds someone else to put up with all that BS coming from left field when you least expect it. Some men, however, need to be trained to say "Pretty please" and "Thank you." ... You're not his beast of burden, and he won't get more unless he gets that through his head.

Desperate2: aren't you the person who started the thread about having eye surgery after being beaten up by your husband? Did you ever tell your children? Were the authorities called and did you press charges? Maybe there is a "good place" they can keep him, and you can have some peace. Like jail, maybe?
If you remain his victim, you are dishonoring your own life.
When I answer a question like this, and find a similar one by the same person later, I don't waste my time again. There is plenty of help out there for you. You have to take the next step and quit talking about it. After a while, no one will respond to you. Have some self-respect, dear one.

I completely empathize with everyone and I'm afraid I don't have answers, but wanted to share here. My dad who had been living alone recently ended up in the hospital very near death. He was very weak and unable to care for himself, so, when he was discharged, I had him come stay in a very nice nursing home near me to get better. Well...unfortunately his health has not improved and he is always mad. He's mad that his legs are swollen from edema and DVT, but then he's mad at the nurses for trying to get him to put his legs up. He's mad that he can't go on outings until he's better but he won't do his physical therapy so that he can get there. He's mad at the cook for not serving him the right food. It goes on and on. He's threatened to leave...and go where? I have read some posts that people should just be able to do what they want...but I'm not going to let my dad hurt himself. I just won't. I do all his laundry and pay his bills, but he could care less. He just expects it. He even told me recently "I only care about Me!"

Making matters worse is that I have two of the worst sibblings on the Earth. One is certifiably crazy and started emailing me at work with insane threats and a list of things he wants from my dad's house. The other is just a total unfeeling jerk who won't return my emails or those of my dads In fact, he wouldn't even return my call to say that my brother died in March. He just blew us off.. So...it's just me...out her on my own trying to help a person who doesn't appreciate it who yells at me every time I see him. At the same time, I'm trying to keep a career and raise my beautiful 13 year old daughter who has totally had to take the back seat to all of this.

I just don't know what to do. I am doing the best I can to do the right thing, but it is tearing my family apart and causing emotional damage to my child that I fear cannot be undone. I am not going to be able to keep this up.

give them a space and keep them there.

Bless You for being so considerate of your Family, or at least trying to be of help.
My problems are similar in some ways...however, I'm slowly learning that it is my life and welfare that has to come first. In your case, you have a daughter to consider along with yourself. "We have to care for ourselves" or we cannot be of help to others. That includes your father's needs. First, you need to be secure in your own needs and care for your own health and mental state...nothing is more important. I wish for your success in achieving this goal first, caring for yourself. There is no other choice. I'm praying for you and others with my support.

Jaccare - my mother is just like that. She is currently in assisted living and, of course, hates it! They don't do things quick enough or correctly enough, etc. All she does is complain and I have been putting up with this for so many years, I can't even fathom the number of days and hours I have wasted on her. I am an only child... so there are no bad siblings to even vent to. I have taken her on vacations.. that she has ruined, she has ruined every holiday in my childrens memories and she even told my daughter that "she was a disgrace and never should have been born".. the stories of emotional abuse are so many that I could never even begin to tell you all of them.. However, I recently began to see a therapist and she is slowly teaching me to put me and my family first.. I take care of her financial and medical needs - she is in a facility that takes care of her needs and I don't need to have her interferring with my family any longer. I see her when I can and talk to her on the phone, when I am mentally prepared.. other than that I keep my distance. SHE HATES IT!! since I have ALWAYS been at her beck and call, she can't and won't understand why I have backed off.. I have always wanted that sweet and loving mother who my kids could adore and have happy memories of.., but I finally get it.. that mothers does not exist, so no all I can do is protect my family from the mother that does exist and move on with my own life. I still feel guilty about not running over there every day and not answering the 20 phone calls a day, but at least I am doing it and learning that there is a life out there for me and my family that does not include being subjected to her abuse and ingratitude..
It's a long row to hoe.. but with fortitude, we can make this!!

I have a verbal & physically abusive mother. She lives in a "mother-in-law" quarters on my sisters property. She has caused my sisters marriage to end in divorce with all her intrusions and abuse. My sister has tried to set boundries and it just causes my mother to be even meaner! Now my sister has a new boyfriend who comes over and my mother is abusive to him. My mom does not care who is around. I am talking about my sisters little children and her boyfriends 5 year old daughter. My mom's only income is Social Security which isnt much. I have told my sister to sell her house and pay mom the money she gave her to have the mother in law quarters built and have my mom go get a condo or something. My sister is reluctant to sell (memories) It seems they are all bad ones to me...But I feel this is the only way to get my mother off her property. My mother feels that since she paid for her own place and the pool that she can have full reighn of whatever she wants. I don't know how to covince my sister that this is the only way to get rid of her. My sister syas she could have her evicted for abuse, but I know she will never do it. I need some advise PLEASE!!

This is a great forum!

I have an emotionally/verbally abusive Mom who's tormented my oldest daughter last year with threats about me, badmouthing me and so forth. She even manipulated her into sex trafficking situations which landed her in foster care.

My Mom has a lot of power but I'm much smarter than she is, my confidence also comes from experience of being balanced and healthy (which she isn't). When I stand up to her and tell her that she's crazy for yelling at the top of her lungs when being calm is far more productive she recesses.

But she also retaliates in petty ways like leaving rusty nails in my bed, push pins in the carpet or tormenting my toddler with erratic behavior. My siblings accept her behavior and tolerate it in short intervals. But being that I'm the caregiver in the family Mom really tries to control me.

My biggest challenge is getting up from beneath her financially. If I could just land plentiful work, secure property I'd never look back, happy to move on with my life and teach my children the truth about Mom.

Caregiverz: You need to get you and your children away from your mom. I wish you the best.

My mom wrote me an email that hurt me so badly. I will never forget it as long as I live. She has six kids, and only 3 talk to her including me. I am almost 50 and the hurtful things she said will remain in my mind. I am the only one who helps her financially when the others are actually wealthy and married and me, single and check to check. My son lives with her, and just found out he has been addticted to precription drugs. She has enabled him and protected him, and now that I want to put him in treatment, she sent the nastiest email saying that I was evil, never cared about him, manipultive, a bald face liar, and mocking me in a sence saying "i care so much about my mother". She brought up some other hurtful things in my life that I had no control over. I am very proud of myself, I didn't cry, as I am used to her mean remarks when I talk to her on phone. I have told her I will call her when I feel like talking and not every sunday like she demands. Other siblings haven't talked to her since 1999 for nasty letters they got. She did email the next day and said she wished she could take back everything she said. I will remember every word even long after she is gone. She has always thrown daggers at me, and even talks bad about me to my son. She has ruined my relationship with my son as well. I wish I could move a million miles away to escape. She gets on my nerves so bad, so instrusive, and now the abusive emails she sends. I just can't get out of my mind all the things she called me. It has forever changed our relationship for good. It will never be the same again.

Macy: How did your son come to live with your mom? You say you can't get all the things out of your mind that your mom wrote to you and that it will ever change your relationships with her. It will never be the same again.

What was your relationship with your mom like before? From all you've said, it seems it was never equal or loving or good. Why don't you end this toxic relationship? What do you get out of it? I ask that question sincerely, because you must get something in order to continue. Do you feel like she loves you for the help you have given her? Have you been willing to give so much more than you get because you need that crumb she might throw your way?

I'm not judging you in any way, just giving you some questions to ponder. I agree, your son needs help. It sounds like your mom spins the same web to keep him close by enabling his addiction. If he is an adult, then he may not be within your reach to help. Do your best, but cut your ties with your mom.

Get some counseling and find the person within you, the real person who does not need to be abused to feel loved.

Best wishes, Cattails.

Wow. As often as I hear about other people with this kind of mother I am always amazed that there are 'others' out there. Being a mother myself it has always been astounding how she could possibly not love me. I can't recall that I ever felt warmth from my mother. To compound things, my dad married her 60 years ago at 17 (he was 20) and they dysfunction he sprang from taught him to make up his own lies about reality too. He has stuck by her, sung her praises, is truly if not totally insanely still in love with her. He has also told me all my life how much she loved me even though I could tell, as a kid and teenager, that he knew she was not treating me well or like the rest of my siblings. He just chalked it up to "I just don't understand women" and "you and your mother are exactly alike" (which is not true - I have been much more like him in fact - I look like him, am a business person while she has never held a job, I have been told all my life that I think more like a man as far as reasoning goes (didn't really consider that a compliment but there it is!) while she is an attention seeking drama queen. My husband (2nd one, the first one treated me just like - surprise! - she did) says she complains with her mouth full. I can remember being in my bedroom where she threw me in a rage as a little kid and praying to God that I could say the right thing so she wouldn't hit me or smack my face or be mean to me. She told me at one point in my adult life that she didn't really think that she ever really bonded with me, sort of in the same tone that you would say you just ate a sandwich. She has told my children that she feels sorry for me that they have me for a mother. My son in particular won't go visit them anymore because he and I have a very good relationship and with his wife as well, and they refuse to be around my mother who continues to bad mouth me. My other two kids just have totally stopped talking to them and never visit. Of course, my mother has written to me that I am evil and that I am to blame for the misery 'in your whole family'. She is and has always been on a campaign of smearing me.
I have been though counseling and I understand so much that I did not before (my divorce which was 22 years ago). I never truly knew how badly dysfunctional my family is.
I agree with Eddie, above, who stated that she is afraid of him because she knows he knows how bad she truly is. My mother is a charmer when she wants to be. People think my parents are 'cute' and that it is so wonderful they have been married for 60 years. To me, those 60 years were ones that were particularly at my expense. Neither of my parents protected me. My dad had to believe she was a good person or otherwise he would have had to do something. He also took a few liberties with me that he shouldn't have when I was younger and there of course has been no way for me to receive any empathy or support for that.
Now they are elderly. They are also fairly wealthy. I have been more or less "rumored" three times to be written out of the will. Whenever my mother decides to go on the attack against my unwillingness to let her run right over me, that's when it starts. And the rest of my siblings, who have not experienced her really bad side, although they all are aware it's there, distance themselves. Nobody else wants to be the 'goat'. They also live nearby and I do think the constant exposure to her craziness has numbed them over time. I live away and when I am around it, I am just appalled. The most recent thing was my dad's 80th surprise birthday. My mother did not even invite me, although she did invite my son and his wife. I do believe although they care for him and really seem to like him, it isn't lost on her that he is after all my child and she can't help but feel the need to attack him sometimes just do to the fact. They for instance got there, after driving all night to get to their house and so the next day slept in. My dad got up and threw out the coffee when they weren't awake around 10 am and then berated them, saying things like he didn't see why they even bothered to come at all. So rude. When the party was actually held, my mother was walking around telling people that she wanted to get married again when my father died! At his party! It then got even more bizarre when some of my siblings took sides about whether or not she SHOULD get married again! My son said the party ended and the fight ensued about this topic with alcohol involved. My mother ended up throwing some people out of the house, my dad followed them out asking them to just stay and that she didn't mean what she said and people were crying, etc.! SOOOO glad I wasn't there anyway! Total insanity. Thankfully, I do have other siblings to take care of them in the future. But in protecting my own sanity and self respect, I know one day this is all going to culminate in real ugliness when they die. There will be, I know, bad scenes to come regarding their stuff, money, etc. I don't even want to go to their funerals when the day comes because all of this makes me sick to my stomach. I am grateful for faith and I continually turn to it for solace and to God to help me 'do the right thing'...though with people like this I am not sure what that is.

It's amazing how one grows up and realizes that no matter how good or how hard they have helped their parents, in the end it was expected and how ungrateful they've been. After my father passed away my mother who had never been alone in her life, always enabled, and never dealth with life on her own, had a wonderful husband who did everything for her, and became ill passed away after a long illness. I was there for both, every weekend, staying after an operation while taking my holidays from work to do this, buying the family home so they could come back to, and taking in my mother after he passed away (she could not afford to be on her own). The abuse increased, to the point where she would humiliate me in public, constant degrading every day, criticism for everything I did or said - living on a daily basis with this is exhausting and now I have come to the point I don't want her around. She apologizes and its the same thing the next day - I realize this was there all my life - it is worse now because she is an unhappy miserable old woman wanted to reflect her unhappiness to me and make me miserable. How kind or a mother! I really can't stand being around her, don't have friends over when she's around as she embaresses me in front of them in my own home. She is nice to everyone else - jeckle and hyde syndrome - she knows what she says and wants to be hurtful. I hate her which is horrible, but how can you not. All I've asked is that she be nice to me, respectful, and somewhat grateful for the all I do for her and the life sacrifices I've made to look after her. Now I want her out of my house, which by the way is the family home that I bought at fair market value. And this is the appreciation I get.
Being a caregiver is never easy, but to tolerate abuse is unacceptable.
Any suggestions????? I've had it with her.

Frustratedtoo, your post says it: to tolerate abuse is unacceptable. So stop tolerating it. Easier said than done, I suppose, but entirely possible. Are you in counselling?

If you cannot set and enforce tight enough boundaries in your home, than remove her from your home.

Looking forward to reading all of the replies. I am SOOOO sick of abusive behavior and PTSS is definitely where I am at. Nine kids, husband who learned to abuse but is thankfully getting counseling and help and nine awesome kids. Borderline mom and abusive in-laws who now live with us. I am a 'nice' person so if I set down boundaries they work for awhile and then they don't as the limits are pushed. Ready to pop at the moment.

mom29and2inlaws, stop being so nice. Could you get counselling? And wouldn't that be something ... your husband in counselling to learn to avoid being abusive, and you in counselling to learn to be tougher. :-D Hey, whateve works!

Husband is in counseling - just started a month ago or so but it is helping some already. I have seen a counselor for over a year and a half now and that has helped too. I suppose I need to conquer and divide how pissed they make me when I am tougher with them and separate their passive aggressiveness from myself. Every day is LONG. Trying. I have hope that they will get used to my being less nice and more blunt about stuff. I think the brother and sister-in-law went through this too or rather I know they did, and then all of the problems were blamed on them, the caregivers at the time, and a big poor me was given to us. I really get sick of it all. Probably a good night sleep will be of some help too.