How do you cope when you have to care for your mother-in-law because your husband's family won't?

GRRRRR You don't HAVE to caregive Why do we all think we do have to. It's not right, it's not fair and it is certainly not reasonable to EXPECT a businesswoman to give up her job to care for her mother in law. I don't care WHO earns the most money. It simply is not about the money here. Firstly its not the responsibility of the children to pay for their parents care for starters. Secondly caregiving comes as a package of emotional turmoil and stress as the caregivers suddenly gets transitioned into a situation they have no experience of and even less knowledge of how to manage. It's not even like childbirth where you have 9 months to prepare - this is sudden transitioning.

My personal view and it is personal not judgemental at all is that all partners should consult through mediation on this so both feel able to speak without resistance and both people's view should be HEARD. Assisted living is likely to be the end outcome so sooner rather than later would be my advice in tis type of situation. Who am I to comment.? Im the businesswoman who DID give up her job to care for my own mother and I find that incredibly stressful, financially ruinous and totally unsupported by professionals who will tell anyone who cares to listen that they care about the people in their caseloads....twaddle....they care about ticking boxes and getting you off their caseload as soon as possible and if you even dare to disagree they will send in the big guns to tell you what to do.

If that happens to you make sure you have your own big guns there too and then they have to listen. My big gun was my daughter......she just sat quietly and took notes as did their associate and said periodically....please have the courtesy to hear my mother out her viewpoint is quite important in this you know since you are expecting her to do all the caring. She never wavered once in what she said just kept repeating that phrase because they KEPT interrupting me.

Just a word of caution for those of you who are or are about to embark on this route and some of the tricks along the way that I have learned

Has her son gone into the doctor? Has he sat in a chair in that little room and heard the doctor explain that what WILL BE BEST for Mother is placement, and has he looked the doctor right in the eye, and said, "I don't care what you say, I'm not willing for her to be placed where she can get the best care." ?? If he is just getting these messages from you, then it is a lot easier for him to whine about "promises" and to continue in denial. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I'm sure he is a very fine man and a dutiful son, but I'm afraid that he currently is using very poor judgement.

There are professionas on your side, but have they spoken with him directly? If not, arrange that!

Are there any "outsiders" he might listen to? A good friend, a golf buddy, a preacher ... any one he would see as objective?

As a last resort -- a VERY last resort -- perhaps you should talk about a legal separation until he is free to honor his marriage committments to you. You don't need a week away. You need the situation to fundamentally change. And, sorry to say, it doesn't sound like it is going to change without you forcing the issue.

My heart goes out to you, your husband, and his mother. All good people, caught in a very bad situation.

God bless all you in-law caregivers. I am an in-law caregiver (retired now for 1-1/2 years), and I am stressed beyond belief. My husband is supportive but still works and does not really know how to help me. I don't love or like my in-laws. They are rude and selfish and don't care how demanding they are. I want to make their lives pleasant, but they are so unpleasant. I cry on a regular basis and wish it would all end. Anyone who is going through this has my sympathy; i just wish I could stop feeling guilty for hating the position I am in.

First, let me say kudos to you for being the adult among children and putting the needs and feelings of your in-laws ahead of selfishness. However, this does not mean that you should be taken advantage of.
Do your in-laws have enough income to hire in-home help? If so, schedule paid caregivers to come in 2 times a week or so. Or, if you are interested, draw up a contract to have your in-laws pay YOU to do this work (that should get the siblings attention.) My Mom's caregivers do personal care (bathing, etc.) and shopping (the cost is $12-18/hr - a bargain in my book!). This little bit of help really gives me a break. If the other children complain about their diminishing inheritance, tell them that they can "substitute" for the paid caregiver whenever they'd like.
Continue to visit and do things for your in-laws...but only as your time and schedule permit. You are getting your in-laws too dependent on you. This happens as seniors age. They find the person who will is dependable - then work him or her to death. It does not make for a healthy relationship.
How dare your husband's siblings foist off their responsibilities on you? Also, the hub needs to make it clear to them that you are not "free" labor. If HE doesn't tell them, they will not listen to you.
It is smart for you to take a big step back. Let your in-laws know that it is not personal - that you need some time for your own life. If they try the guilt trip on you (ie "we're such a burden"), hand them the telephone numbers of their other children.
Caregivers are those who take on the responsibility...it is rarely equitable. It's like an adult version of the game "tag" - those who get tagged are "it." No one will volunteer to help. They are playing on the sympathy you show for their parents. And as for your comment that you are not "working" - taking care of one's family and caregiving seniors is ten of the toughest jobs one will ever do.

PS: do not agree to take your hub's parents into your home unless you are prepared to take on ALL of the responsibility. If you hub or his sibs have not stepped up by now, they never will. btw, who has their POAs?

virginiajnorto
Please get medical POA as soon as you can. I hope your mother's dementia is not so far gone that she is not competent to sign a POA. While you are doing this, I would also get the Durable POA because you are going to need it. Acutally, she will need for you to have it. Has the doctor spoken to your brother and SIL to explain medically what is going on. Sometimes we hear from a professional what we will not hear from a family member. Tell your SIL that if your mom stops taking her meds because of her and something bad happens then the SIL can be held liable, but I'd get the medical and durable POA first.

Well, since he promised her then tell him it is his job to care for her because he is the one who made her that promise. He is using you to run a nursing home in your own home. Who's he married to anyway? Is he a mommy's boy or your husband? I think he needs to wake up and chose. He also needs to realize that as an adult he can change his mind about promises made in the past because circumstances change. Sorry to be so blunt and rough this morning, but that's how I feel about it. I wish you well and hope he wakes up soon.

While I'm not a therapist, but have been in therapy now for 8 years dealing with family stuff, I suggest that you find one to give you an objective 3rd person's input and trained support to deal with all of the chaos and family dynamics going on here so that you can stop throwing yourself, your husband, your marriage, and your children under the bus. I hope you can get the VA benefits for your inlaws. Do they draw social security? Would part of it be enough to pay for home help? Unless one is rich, no one with children has the means to pay for help at home with elderly in need of care. It sounds like the absolute last resort, which is not a nice one, would be to inquire to see if they qualify for medicaid and could go to a nursing home that takes medicaid? I commend you for being such a great daughter in law looking after them as if you were their daughter. It is sad when you have to help like your MIL who never had to deal with family business matters. My uncle has experiences this in reverse since his wife has dementia and she ran all of the family finances and business matters because his work as a tool and die worker for Ford meant he worked the late shift and was mainly home on the weekends.

I'm in a similar situation only much worse I have been caring for my MIL for a few years now. I had NO idea it was going to be so stressful and difficult but I also do not have support of the daughters whom live from 7 mins (one doesn't work and has grown children). The other lives 20 mins works but also has grown children. I do not get support from my husband, this is expected of me because I don't work, but I currently have health issues that are taking a toll. My MIL has vascular dementia and is getting progressively worse she can no longer read or write and barely knows who's who and what's what.continues to fall has accidents and now being combative. For years I've been trying to get my husband to get DPOA and medical but nothing and I can't do anything because she's not even my mother! I'm just the caregiver and I'm at a point that I'm ready to give up. To much for me to handle not to mention I'm neglecting MY family.

BS0213, it probably literally is too much for you to handle. Dementia is progressive. It gets worse. Very often it gets worse in ways that make it impossible for a single person to care for the person in a private home. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The dementia would progress whether she were your own mother, whether other family members pitched in, whether you had hired help -- it would progress no matter what. It doesn't sound like she is now competent to make legal decisions (but don't take my word for it!) so it may be too late for DPOA and medical proxy. But somebody has to take responsibility for acting in her best interests. And it sounds like that may soon be placement where she can get the care she needs from healthy, rested, trained professionals, who have backups for when they have their own health issues. Obviously you and your husband won't abandon her, and you will continue to visit and advocate and see that she is getting the best care. But it may no longer be feasible to provide it in your house. Again, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is the nature of the disease.

Please don't give up! You've done awesome selfless care so far. But it may be time to take care of your own health and find other ways to see that MIL gets the best care she can.

weesheart, I completely understand what you are gong through! My situation is nearly identical to yours except that my husband is an only child so there are so siblings to fight with. My MIL has a brother that lives out of state and no other family. My husband and I owned a business and I was working from home when my MIL's dementia started and had to stop to care for her. I had no choice because my husband earns more and we needed his income. She was hospitalized for s few weeks after overdosing on insulin and other prescriptions and recovered at our home for two weeks. As the female I was stuck with bathing, and personal care. After she returned home (prior to dementia diagnosis) I ended up having to take her for Doctor appts, shopping, cleaning, and managing her medications. I was a Business Manager so naturally all the paperwork, research, insurance issues and her finances fell on me also. He tries to help but he couldn't do that after working all day. It seems some have bashed your husband a bit but I understand that as a team sometimes one of you has to take the harder part so one of you can continue to work and earn a living. But if I were you I would be super upset with your husbands siblings! And upset with her husband for not setting them straight. It sounds like they don't respect him and he needs to stand up to them. I have had some anger with my MILs brother for his lack of help. Although he did step up and agree to pay for an aide 4-6 hours a week to help me out. But now the argument has been that she desperately needs more care and it has taken me months and months to convince my husband and his uncle of this. Finally at Christmas the aide had 4 days off, my husband also had 4 days off work so he went with me to handle his mothers care. All of s sudden the state of her dementia hit him like a ton of bricks. We usually discussed her care on a daily basis but apparently experiencing it made it real. He has since been way more supportive and very emotional. I also gave him s scare because I came down with a heart condition that requires me to reduce my stress. We have taken steps now to get her into Assisted Living soon. A few days ago I emailed him and his uncle quotes from the amazing people on this forum along with a chart of the stages of dementia to help convince them that she needs more care. His uncle is still not on board but it doesn't matter because we have the POA not him. You may have to take drastic measures to get some help. Go away and see your family TAKE YOUR WELL DESERVED BREAK and tell your husbands useless siblings that your husband is going with you! Leave them no choice! Secondly you need an Aide to help you. If your MIL can't afford it, could she Qualify for Medicaid? If not tell the siblings they must each contribute $100 a month to help pay an Aide. Bottom line is you have to stand up for yourself and your husband needs to stand up to his siblings. It won't be long before she will need Assisted Living or a Nursing home and they will have to contribute then. Don't try to protect them with your MIL, a harsh word from her may guilt them into helping. Just feel fortunate that you actually like your MIL. Mine has been using me, playing me, and taken advantage of me for nearly 30 years, never done a damn thing for me or her son except cause us grief and now I have to do everything for her! That will mess with your head. I feel for you and wish you all the best!