My father has Alzheimers. My mother is the caretaker of him, plus she has respite care coming in 4 days a week for 4 to 5 hours a day. I am in a constant worry about him. It is almost obsessive. I know he is getting the best care they are giving him. My mother is a little "hyper" so of course if she tells him to do something and he doesn't comprehend it she will get upset and raise her voice with him sometimes instead of walking away for a couple minutes and then try it again (which usually works) When she raises her voice, he then gets upset. I know it is very hard for the caretaker. I am sometimes on the phone with her when this happens and it upsets me very much. I probably just need to hang up, but then I am calling back 10 minutes later to see if things are ok. Am I crazy to be like that?!!!??? I am always worried about him falling or getting sick or getting that call from my mother that he needs to go to hospital for something. I feel like sometimes it is taking over my life right now. I know you can't hover over him or put him in a "bubble", but its a constant worry. Anyone else feel like this? I know you can't control everything. I need my mind to be at ease somewhat--I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old that needs my attention.
With regards to the "worry" aspect, I know exactly what you mean. My mom is in an Independent Living facility, but I realized that I am in a near constant state of hypervigilance, waiting for those phone calls that come every six months or so, that she's in an ambulance on her way to the hospital, due to high BP, or a fall or something. I know that in terms of "caregiving", compared to most of the others on this board, I have it way easy, but I haven't come up with any coping mechanisms.
I couldn't get my mom to realize my dad was not just being willful and she yelled at him so much he eventually threatened to shoot her. They had guns too...all unloaded and placed out of reach, at least after I made an urgent visit. Mom did not want to do anything at that point, but after several falls where EMTs were called because she could not help him up, and never even told me about, finally had him placed in skilled nursing and then finally began to let me help with finances and such. Then Mom fell after keeping everything at that level of help for as long as she could, not admitting just how bad things were getting for her, and me not really wanting to see more than she wanted me to. Plus, I just did not know back then what I know now...but could I have changed the course of events a whole lot? Given them two or three happy years together instead of separate nursing homes? Probably not.They had not been getting along well for years before any of it started, really, and marriage counseling was just not something they did as people of their generation and culture. I remember telling the estate planner on one of the routine visits that I was fearful my parents were going to die, and instead of reassurance like I was fishing for, he told me that yes, they were. I realized he wa right, but I still thought we had a lot longer than we did. We did our best to get the grandchildren in to see them and spend time on the few things they might still enjoy, to make a few good memories...but also felt a lot of wishing those memories had not been so few.
Things will happen at some point whether you worry or not - you do the best you can, maybe get a LifeAlert or Lifeline or something if they will accept that, try to engineer some nice times and photo ops with the grandkids for them (if you can - don't feel guilty if that's just not possible or too likely to be traumatic). There is probably no getting around the feeling in the pit of your stomach every time you have an unexpected phone call until you hear enough to know its not one of "those" phone calls. And when it finally IS one of those phone calls, you will probably surprise yourself with how well you handle it.