My sister in law, that lived with my mil, died in February of this year so we had to move in with my mil. She's 80 years old and can't live alone. I believe she has alzheimers, but she hasn't been to a doctor for years now so she's never been diagnosed. My mil refuses to bathe and I'm disgusted by this! She has a little dog in the house and it's never been house trained so it uses the bathroom all over the house, and she claims she can't see to clean it up. The "I can't see" line is used every time it's convenient for her, but she sees just fine! The "I can't see" line is also used every time she uses the bathroom and leaves her mess all over the toilet. She doesn't want us to wash her clothes! This place stinks! She sneaks around a lot, goes through our stuff, and takes things out of our bedroom. We've had to install locks on our bedroom door and my 16 year old sons door to keep her out.The biggest issue is the dog. I hate that dog! We try to get my mil to eat. but she wants to give it to the dog. We buy steak, cut it up for her, and she gives it all to the dog. We go buy her a Sonic burger, she takes 2 bites and gives the rest to the dog. Everything we give her, she gives to the dog.My husband has told her to stop, but she sneaks and does it anyway. She's doesn't want to eat anything but sweets. She's going to die and we will be blamed, but we can't get her to eat! Let me say, before we moved in here, I cared a lot for this woman, but not anymore. We have been here for about 7 months now, and I've never even sat on her furniture because it's too nasty. We live in our bedroom, because we can't stand to be in the front of the house. I go to my mothers house to cook our supper because I'm disgusted by the smell here. The absolute worst part, the part I have cried myself to sleep over more than once, is I have a 2 year old little boy that's being raised in one room. We can't let him go into the living room, down the hall, or in the kitchen because of that nasty dog. When we 1st moved in I kept the floors swept and mopped because of the dog using the bathroom. But I could sweep and mop and 5 minutes later there's puddles of dog urine. I decided the dog didn't need a clean floor to piss in. My husband or mil cleans up after the dog, and I stay back here trying to entertain a 2 year old. I'm so tired of these bedroom walls. I've begged my husband to send her to a nursing home, but he says he can't until her mind is completely gone because she's always told them to never put her in one. Everyday I think about leaving, but I don't want to take my son away from his daddy. I know I sound like the bad guy in all this, maybe I am, but I can't take this. I'm suppose to make sure my kids grow up in a clean environment and now I've brought them into this hell. What do I do? Do I leave my husband? Do I keep pressuring him about the nursing home? Or do I just keep living in this bedroom, for possibly another 5-10 years, and wait for life to be normal again?
As far as the dog is concerned, it's not its fault. It just doesn't know any better and with the over feeding is probably obese and likely to have health issues. I inherited my mother's little dog when she went into a nursing home - obese, obnoxious and not particularly house clean, but now slim, sweet and 100% clean. It's not animals, it's the people that have them.
And what would she have done if your husband hadn't move in? Of course, she probably would have gone to a retirement community.
I know the dog just doesn't know any better, but when I have to keep my 2 year old confined to a bedroom and the dog goes where ever it wants I've come to hate the dog! I wasn't raised up having a dog in the house, and I just can't get use to there being dog mess and dog hair all over every thing.
As for her dog, the dog can eventually be trained to piddle on indoor doggy pads or learn to go outdoor.
YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY IN THIS!!!!! Quit feeling so sorry for him (OK, sure I feel sorry for him too, it sucks to see your mom like this and acknowledge the severity of the situation) and start feeling more sorry for your kids, and maybe yourself. He doesn't want to break her heart?? He'll ruin your lives and the kids' early years, which only come once, though?? Look around, if your regular home you would normally live in is too far away, is there a relatively inexpensive residential hotel nearby you could live in while hubby gets done what he needs to do, if he needs that much of a push to get it done? Just pack and go if you have talked til you are blue in the face and nothing is done. You can visit him and he can visit you there when brother comes over or if you can get any other respite. And if MIL goes into a care facility, you can both visit her and the kids could have a pleasant memory or two of the situation, instead of what they have now.
Something is very strange about this arrangement, in my opinion. The day I'd bring my two-year-old child into this environment would be a very cold day in hell.
To let you know MY advice, if I knew who you were, I'd call Child Protective Services.
My sister died taking care of our mother and at the rate you are going, your MIL will out live you, too.
So start looking and start planning, because you are moving soon, like it or not.
MIL needs to be in a nursing home and attended by a doctor.
Your husband can figure it out at this point, but as others have said... The very devil himself would not keep my children in a nasty place like that. Small children and dementia patients do not go together.
Your poor teenager. This is hell on earth to him, I promise. Not having a clean home to come to with friends is affecting him, I promise you that. You will reap his resentment if you don't end this ridiculousness.
Living somewhere else doesn't equal divorce, but those children are #1 to you. Look at what you are doing to them - it will be real & permanent damage, which is cruel in its own way.
Personally, that dog would go tomorrow if I were there. One way or another.
Get yourself & the younguns situated, and then maybe you can help,your husband take care of one thing at a time.
then she could have Macular Degeneration, the Wet form, being the worse,
where central vision is lost, with just an outer ring of fuzzy vision, giving her
enough fuzzy sight to navigate the house, cook meals, etc.
I have the Dry form which still gives me Central Vision so I can still drive
and read the mail OK
Best to You !!
Called Placement in my SG = she goes to some kind
of living where she is helped, a senior residence of
some kind, and there are businesses in CA that
specialize in this, with some kind of government help =
Assessment is made as to health, income, etc and a
Placement plan is suggested, with any payment for
this Placement service made by the place she ends up
living at =
This is how it is done here, have no idea of other
states and cities = there also is low income Section 8
housing, and low income help = Key is finding the
RIGHT person who knows how she might fit in with
whatever programs and services are in your area =
Plus lots of good ideas here, Ggod Luck !!
Most of us here are on the elderly side ourselves. Think back to your childhood. In those days (that makes me sound ancient lol) we fell of our bikes, played in the dirt (and often ate it) and in most/many cases there were dogs, cats, birds and other critters in the home - outside maybe pigs, cows, horses, chickens, ducks and what have you. No-one ever died of a little dirt but we ate "real" food, often home grown without pesticides and most everything was made from scratch, not processed to death and full of chemicals like you find in a supermarket now.
Neighbours grow most of their own food and keep chickens. They've always lived that way. He's 84, she's 86 and fitter than I've ever been. My mother is in a NH and has (proudly) been a vegetarian for years - eating fruit and veg from the store, imported and sprayed to death with lord knows what. She's had Parkinsons for 15 years, has had dementia for about 8 years and is close to passing. Makes you think doesn't it?
Me, yep, played in the dirt and always had critters. I now live out in the country with 2 dogs (one, formerly my mother's, sleeps in my bed), 5 cats and a big old goldfish called Ralph. Trying to renovate this poor little old house a room or two at a time and deal with 2 acres, my house is a disaster with stuff everywhere, dust, dog hair and cat hair right now. Am I terribly ill? H*ll no!
In the past week my mother has had another stroke and another fall. I was at the NH this morning and went to shop for her needs/wants, then I mowed for 3 hours with the tractor. The dust, and pet hair? It's not going anywhere - tomorrow is another day - and I've always been as healthy as a horse, no allergies, never go to a doctor..
I'm rambling, sorry, but my point is that a bit of dirt in whatever form never killed anyone ... it's the chemicals in/on our food supply that is making people so ill. Just my two penny worth.
My mother used pee pads for her little dog but put them down wrong way up so the pee poured off into the carpets. Once she went to the NH I spent $12,000 on paint and carpets to get the house ready for sale. I cared for my mother in her house for four years - she had another four years in her house with her beloved dog (which now lives with me, dog people, and is house clean). Impetigo (I have no idea what that is) and dysentery is usually only seen in third world countries where the water is contaminated and filthy. It`s unknown in North America.
Look in the Unmet physical & mental needs section. Point #5 specifically asks about urine & feces covered living areas. There are links to other assessment instruments that look into the whole family arrangement, where the child sleeps, plays, and their overall development. Something to keep in mind.
YOU and your kids should not have to be the ones dealing with your MIL. Your husband needs to step up and do something. You need to address this with him. Help him make the right moves. Living in the condition is NOT healthy for anyone. Their are diseases that you can get just from breathing the crap....
I'm sure you cannot smell yourself, but as you are out and about, people can smell YOU!!! I'm very sensitive to smells and I have been around with "young" people smelling like pee or mothballs.
-ALL of you need to move out, and leave the MIL in the house alone.
-Get Merry Maids or someone who specializes in clearing and cleaning the house.
-Either get a dog trainer, or give the dog away to someone who can take care of it.
- Get a CARETAKER for your MIL. It's cheaper than a NH. This way the caregiver can take care of your MIL. If you get a good one he/she can even cook for her and take care of the dog...providing the dog is trained.
You can probably get away with a caregiver 8-12, and 5-9 pm. This way you can keep the cost down.
If none of this works then NH it IS!
I cannot see any other options in your situation.
You have to remove yourself and your children to make them safe, then find a way to force her hand so she has to be admitted to the ER (if she says she will kill herself or others, that works for a psych eval). Once she's in the ER, you refuse to bring her home, and make the hospital social worker find a placement for her. Then your husband can blame social worker and he's off the hook to mom.