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Recently there have been number of scolding posts that imply selfishness and ingratitude on the part of tired, worn-out, strung-out caregivers. The argument is: your mama took care of you and now you have the nerve to complain about taking care of her?

So, I ask you: is this really a parallel?

Of course, there are similarities: the physical care, the trips to the doctor, the worrying, the medications, the sleepless nights, the responsibility that goes on for a decade or two-ish.

But I would argue this as well:

When my mom took care of me, she was in her twenties and, at the time she needed to lift me up, I weighted about 10-15 pounds.

She changed my diapers but only for a couple of years and I was still pretty light to lift.

As a child I could eat, drink, dress myself, move objects, make phone calls, and leave the house for many hours a day on my own.

I was pretty cheeky at the age of twelve but i did not have a driver's license, a check book and a credit card. I was not in a position to spend all of the family fortune/college/retirement money on clothes, jewelry and records.

Also and significantly, I was getting ready to go out into the word to have a life, which brought much joy and, ultimately, travel into my parents' lives.

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Wow, Cher. I was just having the same thought about comparing birth to death.
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Compare apples to oranges is a good answer. Think of a Bell Shaped Curve.
Birth to Death. Sorry to put it that way.
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It is a comment made out of ignorance by people who most likely have never done any caregiving.

My response to that was "really, have you ever tried to pick up a 150 pound baby who has fallen and is dead weight", that usually silences them.

We all know how caregiving is going to end, to compare the two to a child that grows and goes off on their own is ridiculous. The only time that you could compare the two are in cases when you're dealing with a physically or mentally disabled child.

Other than that, not even close.
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I don't know that it was a passive/aggressive guilt driven comment - more likely, it came from having been told by a family member or friend that as they were taken care of by their parent when they were growing, they should be taking care of their parent (with the unsaid but implied "yourself".)
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apples and oranges IMHO. Infants grow into toddlers into preschoolers and on and on, point is they are constantly evolving and growing more independent whereas the senior with Alzheimer's/dementia is devolving and going backwards towards total dependence with an adult sized body.

very very different and kind of a passive aggressive guilt driven comment I think!
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One was pleasure, one was pain! ....and I don't need to tell this group the difference!!!!!! LOL
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I'm one of those sandwich people. Up until November when Mom came to live with me, I had watched my grandson from the age of 2 months. It was suppose to be a shared job but that fell thru. I had him five days a week. I'm 65. Talk about tired at the end of the day. Then I have Mom with Dementia. Thank God my husband was home. My daughter had to put him in daycare. I still have him 2x a week. Right now Mom is easy, but it's going to get worse unlike a child who can learn and become independent Mom is going to rely on me more and more. Eventually, a decision is going to have to be made. I'm not capable of taking care of an invalid. Besides being five ft tall, I don't have the strength. Yes, I feel selfish at times but she could live 10 years. We want to enjoy our retirement while we can, not at 75 and 78 when we may have our own health problems.
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That's ok. I'm so glad you have a lawyer.

big hug and good luck!
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Salisbury: I can so relate, it does something to your soul...My sister and I did so may things for mom with a loving attitude. Mom is 82, she was assessed in hospital, and it was recommended to her that she look into Assisted Living. We did the tours, all 3 of her daughters and her... it really opened my eyes to how toxic the family is. Anyway while she was in hospital, we would go to her home and pick up toiletries, clothes etc for her... She decided she wasnt ready for AL and wanted to go home. She arrived and insisted that things were stolen, she called the police and broke my sisters heart, as the police treated her as a criminal. My "out of town" sister seems to be the favored one, who only shows up a couple of times a year... and mom confides to her all the time. This sister has major financial problems and sees moms house as revenue for her needs. It really is a mess. I have a lawyer and we are documenting everything for future - I just hope we dont have to use info. Got off track a little... but needed to vent ;)
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Ah, I see. then you agree with most of us: namely, that this is quite different. It is sort of sad that I can have more rational conversations with my grandchildren than with my mom (89). My mom was combative, too. Mostly, though, she just destroyed me behind my back. She insisted that i take her car, then called the police and said that I stole it. Sigh... she said terrible things about me and it was all untrue. I visited her every day and she was always furious because I "hadn't been there in five days."
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I am not too sure that I was very clear... the comment I sent is the one where people say "your mother looked after you, so now it is your turn". I am a caregiver to my mother, yet she is very combative, paranoid, and just very unpleasant to be around. Doctors have said that she does not have dementia... but is delusional. Her behaviours remind me so much of when we were children, and we were the vulnerable ones.... now she is vulnerable.
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Hello Adultchild,

I am not sure which comment you resent.

By the way, there are a number of threads here about less than sympathetic parents.

For myself, I never assume that families are the same.
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I resent this comment, my mother was not nurturing and she was very narcissistic, her needs came first.. our needs were not even acknowledged. So the comment assumes that all mothers were the same with their children. When a person makes this comment to me, I say, you were very fortunate to have had such a loving parent. I muster up a smile, just so I dont come across as a victim.
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Maybe I missed a similar situation to mine, but I'm in a situation where I am raising my 10 year old son and caring for my 89 year old mother who is in the first stages of dementia. I'm the only child - no other siblings to help.
There is no comparison. My son brings me joy every day as I see him mature, play sports, get good grades, etc. Although I love my mom, I know there is not going to be any more growth, just declines. No specific bellyaches about taking care of a woman who can do very little for herself, there are enough valid and real similarities to what I experience with my mom on this topic here. Rather, just a real life answer - no comparison. One is a joyful task, the other, not so much.
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You are right. A baby is growing toward independence. The declining faculties of the elder bring much sadness, bewilderment, confusion and anguish into daily life, for both the elder and the caregiver. The one thing I do find similar, is that now I feel toward my mother as I did toward a newborn baby. She is so helpless, so fragile, I cannot let her be in the hospital alone, but need to be there as much as possible. I feel a protectiveness for her, that I would want someone to feel toward me, if I were as debilitated. I agree our society has a long way to go, to know how to be of best assistance to caregivers and elders.
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My mom is now my child. Yes she did take care of me the best way she knew how and we had nothing similar to a fairy tale childhood. Bottom line, she was there for me and I will be there for her the best that I know how, which is more complicated....POA, etc.
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Explain what you mean Fitzgerald, if you could? Thanks
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greeneyedmom . . . that is really sad.

somewhere in the heat from Alabama all the way to Washington State, my two cents.

Kids. Elderly. I am 55 very athletic, and I can bend like a 35 year old. That does not mean anything other than, this. Kids run, they run from you up the stairs down the stairs, hide in the closets, if there are four of them that is not the same as the Elderly. They are apples and oranges.
I was a caregiver UNPAID for my mother and father for two years, and then a PAID caregiver and a household helper for the rest of the time. I did this because my parents needed me. I had two other sisters that were convinced I had the time. They have their houses paid for. I do not bicker, I do for my parents. They deserve it.

Kids are Kids
Elderly are Elderly,

It is kind of like cracking an egg, you never know what you are going to get inside two yokes or one, meaning, actually that was dumb. both are different and they are apples and oranges or grapes and prunes. :-)
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oops fitzgerald to some other post was talking about someone's answers being sloppy and they were not.
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Fitzgerald, so what is the false equivalency, sloppy, invalid logic, that actually as I read it word for word is very true. People are living longer. Medications are keeping people alive longer. Knee replacements are keeping people alive longer, Hip replacements are keeping people alive longer, how is that sloppy? Just asking, to start a good discussion, not a confrontation.
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this, it is very hard. Give caregivers private and professional the understanding that backup is essential. I have two backup caregivers, because I learned the first time.

She appreciated it, when I had a backup, and her life ended on Oct. 6, but the reality is, I worked 190 days 11-13 hours a day without a day off. I was just about dead tired. It has taken me this long to figure out what was wrong. They do not have all he answers going to the hospital. Give them time, they the doctors are making gr

Just take care of each other and be accountable to yourself. We are no good to the elderly if we are sick. I was never contagious, but I always stayed away from the facility. ALwAYS.
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we are human, I speaking from being a caregiver for nine years, just spending one month in the hospithis, al, as I was totally burnout and lost 50 lbs. No one is selfish. Everyone has a gut feeling for if they are doing too much, and for some if they are new at t
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Elderly woman.....dang auto correct!
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I compare the 81 year old elderly Oman with moderate dementia, that I care for (not a relative), to that of a very smart 5 year old, only because I have nothing else to compare her to. She is still able to care for herself(bathe herself, dress herself, toilet herself), but needs meds set out, is not allowed to drive anymore, but still thinks she can and throws fits and has crying jags over it. Huffs and puffs around the house if she doesn't get her way. Refuses to get her butt out of bed to go to church or to the senior center. Drives me insane some days (I have only ever watched children), so this is all new to me, lol
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2burnout2smile, you are right on target. I would only add that some young parents lay a foundation for becoming dependent upon their child way later in adulthood by becoming emotionally enmeshed with them very early in their life because that's why they had the child to begin with in order to secure they would be taken care of later in life. Thus, they work against the developing child's, teenager's and young adult's striving to become independent from their parents with no regard for them having their own lives then and hope their adult children will not leave them like my wife's parents viewed her. She told me once that her mother told her when it looked like we were going to get married, 'why do you want to get married, stay here and live with us, take care of us and we will take care of you?' to which my wife said no, but that was not the end of the emotional battle for freedom.

So, no even with a healthy adult child/parent relationship there is no valid pound for pound comparison between the care that a psychologically, physically, socially developing child receives and the care that a psychologically, physically, and socially declining elderly adult receives. Plus one is done by someone usually in their 20's who is young, energetic as well as healthy enough to handle the demands while the other is often done by someone in their late 50's and some on this site are even far older who often don't have the physical health or energy or psychological stamina to care directly for an aging parent which I think about the oldest person I've read about being cared for on this site is around 103 years old. My dad often said before he became old that older people don't have any business taking care of older people because they are too old.
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There is no valid comparison, although some of the tasks involved are similar. Completely different situations and completely different circumstances bring a person into these roles. Just the obvious makes it clear: you raise your own children, under most circumstances, because you chose to bring them into the world. You didn't ask your parents to birth you, but you still have to take care of them. One is voluntary, the other is not.
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If I may add to this discussion by saying that children strive to become independent from their parents. Some elderly parents/parent strive to become and more dependent on us often with no regard for our lives or our happiness. Also a very difficult task to undertake in our late 50's or 60's with what's left of our decent years. People living so much longer now that the playing field has changed dramatically. Care giving can go on for one or two decades after which time, we are so changed, so tired, so old, so depressed and so done. Planning NOW so that I do not become a burden in my old age. A colleague of mine (a medical dr.) said he personally sees his elderly patients gripping to life on a daily basis, long past the point of quality. As he so eloquently put it "when you see yourself sliding down the slope of life, best to just go with the flow". That's my plan. Know when to hold em', know when to fold em'.
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I would argue that my mother is getting much better care in my home since I handpick the helpers, pay them more than they would get at a facility, and oversee and track her medical visits myself rather than rely on a doctor coming in periodically to update charts. However, I cannot say that for everyone who relies on home health care.
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Spg, I endorse Jeannegibbs response to you! Please tell us how hiring home health care (strangers!) is really all that different from having strangers care for her in a facility setting, except that in a facility, there are nurses and nurse practioners and doctors around to diagnose medical issues early on.

I'm glad that you're having a rewarding time of it. Keep up the good work, but being a tad less judgemental would be nice. Not all of us can afford to take time off from work to caregive, even temporarily.
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Whoever is doing the comparison probably has never cared for an elderly family member. Children grow up to take care of themselves; become more independent and stronger every day. Taking into account is the caregiver's age, career, family and their health status...no comparison, none, zero! I was 30, working, carrying for my children and going to school. Now I'm almost 60, trying to work, care for my mother and keep my head above water everyday...no comparison.
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