I am friends with a couple in their 80's. Wife has been diabetic for many years and was able to take care of herself as far a medication and diet until last year. She had several episodes (if that's the term) where her husband had to rush her to the hospital. Daughter-in-law, an RN has a friend at Social Services and tells her the husband can't take care of wife properly. He is a proud stubborn man who didn't want anyone saying he couldn't take care of her. He told social worker to get off his property - she came back with sheriff.
He got subpoened to court while wife was in rehab center where she fell out of a wheel chair and broke her hip. He went to court without an attorney and the judge appointed a lawyer to be both her guardian and conservator. He put her in a nursing home and proceeded to sell off their jointly owned property to pay $7k per month plus meds and whatever else. One day I visit she is comotose and other days she is wheeling herself to the dining room. She blames her husband for being there and wants to go home. Only son wouldn't agree to be guardian as he discouraged to do so by the daughter-in-law. My friend has a lawyer now and I have gotten involved but I am getting the idea that although he hired this lawyer to get her home, the lawyer is using me to keep him calm while he helps the court's lawyer sell of their property. There were other options than a nursing home but once the court appointed the lawyer, who by the way has never met his ward, her husband didn't even have the right to learn about her condition or medications or anything about her care until the new lawyer got him permission to learn these things. What are the chances of ever getting her home with a caregiver who looks after her exclusively. Nursing home caregivers have 15 patients each. She is getting more depressed by the day. It's like she has given up.
Would it be fair to say that you are, as it were, taking a position that the husband wishes his wife to return home, the wife wishes to return home, you fear for her will to live if she becomes depressed in care, and you are therefore entirely supportive of the idea of her returning home and the husband's being her primary caregiver with appropriate support? Sorry - that sentence became a lot longer than I intended it to, but is that the gist?
I can understand how it would look as though the court has glossed over what the individuals' wishes are; but the court is drawing on decades of collective experience of what has proved to be in elders' best interests. The difficulty is that the court's view of best interests would put safety first, then family life, then personal preferences; whereas your friends' view of their own best interests may have other priorities: primarily, the husband's pride and desire to care for his wife, whether or not that is in reality going to work.
So the husband now has a lawyer (yes, pity he didn't think of that before, but what good is that), and you are concerned that the lawyer is paying his client's wishes a lot of lip service while actually working to make the court's care plan work. Well, now. The thing is, that lawyer is acting in his client's best interests as well as he is able to; and I think you might usefully take a leaf out of his book.
The court will have looked at a recent history that included several emergency admissions to hospital. On that basis alone, the court concluded that in spite of his best efforts the husband is no longer able to care for his wife; and I suspect that the hope of her returning to her own home as before is therefore a lost cause.
So, given that the current arrangement is not what either spouse wants to happen, and your fears that this situation could prove devastating to the wife's mental health, what are the alternatives that could be proposed to the court-appointed guardian?
You say you feel that the lawyer is using you to keep the husband piped down. In a way, you're probably right, and perhaps the lawyer should be more frank with you and not treat you like some kind of patsy; but the point is that soothing the husband is a very useful thing for you to do. Given his very proper pride and his fears for his wife, the husband is, I imagine, not working very constructively towards a compromise. But he must, if his wife is not to be shut away in a nursing home forever; and it is by guiding him towards a compromise that you can best help both of them.
Are you close enough to the situation to know what the available alternatives are? Please update, I wish you every luck with helping your friends - it's very good of you.
The son refused guardianship because the parents are stubborn and not looking at the reality of mom's health and safety. That's howv they ended up with a public guardian.
The wife's husband sounds like he is mobile and can take care of real estate investments, but that's a far cry from caring for a very ill wife.
As for bringing the wife home to visit her house, never ever do that. That would create a lot of emotional havoc on both the wife and husband when the time comes to return her back to the nursing home.
I do look back and wonder about some old family stories - not quite as bad as your uncle's emergency stretcher idea, though! I wonder how much was done to help my grandmother before she was forced to leave her home. I recall comments made about how "useless" social services and long-term care plans were, and its crossing my mind at the time that perhaps not too much persistence had been applied. But then again, there are the stories/?urban myths about suicide pacts carried out by couples who have vowed never to be parted, and no one wants to see that kind of thing happening either.
I conclude, I suppose, that Marylouise is right: we all need to decide well in advance what our personal definition of quality of life is, and hope that by planning we're able to keep within it.
A propos, I've just had a discharge planning visit from our local Occupational Therapist. She has trotted off with a long shopping list of equipment we're going to need. We've cleared out mother's bedroom ready for a hospital bed. I will be trained in using a hoist, a slide sheet, an air mattress. We'll be issued with a washing table, as the bathroom isn't accessible for wheelchairs. All being well, mother will be home in around ten days with a "maximum care package" of two carers, four times a day, to help with repositioning, washing, toileting, dressing and transfers. The rest of the time, which is to say around 21-22 hours of the day, it'll be down to me - on me tod, as we used to say in London. Gulp!
Marylouise, I'm 51, by the way, and reasonably fit, and stronger than I look, and not shy of squeaking for help. And I'm still slightly dreading the responsibility of caring for my mother: it's not myself I'm worried about, it's my ability to ensure her welfare. So in case you feel I'm being prejudiced believing that your friend may not be able to care for his wife any longer, that's the angle I'm looking at it from.
A person who is in their 80's will not be able to learn about health conditions or what medicines are needed for their spouse. If anything happens to my Mom and she needs around the clock care, my Dad would be the last person we would pick to help. If you ask him what are Mom's current medical conditions and what meds is she currently taking, he couldn't answer that, but he could explain the big bang theory :P But ask Mom what are Dad's current medical conditions and what meds is he taking, she could answer each and every question. It's their generation where the woman took care of everyone who was sick. Thank goodness the younger generation gets it, they both help.
He has a lawyer now and he is expecting this new lawyer to get her home.
The judge appointed a lawyer as guardian/conservator because the social worker and daughter-in-law said husband could not take care of her and son would not take guardianship. I read the court order that gave this lawyer control, and basically that's what it said. She was not in court to try to make her wishes known. The law says the guardian is also responsible for her social and emotional well being. This is funny because he has never met her.
The couple owns rental properties jointly and that is the property that is to be sold to pay for her care. The court-appointed attorney immediately emptied their bank account of over $40,000 to pay for her care. The rents from the properties must go to her care too. Husband is living on very little SS. Her SS checks go to the Court lawyer too who gets paid with % of what he pays out for her care. The court lawyer's speciality and only job is working for the court as guardian for people. At 7,000+ per month husband is delinquent in the payments and that's why the property is to be sold. New lawyer says they can't sell their home.
I don't know how to look up records at the courthouse to find the best lawyer, but I will take husband to our local council on aging and suggest someone there could do that.
CountryMouse, yes, she wants to be home. He wants her home and wants to get her a home caregiver but I'm afraid he will have no money to do that after everything is sold. That will be another reason she can't go home.
I visit her every day and she is getting more depressed. She said husband put her there and left her but he visits every day.
There is a care plan meeting tomorrow. New lawyer got court lawyer to allow both husband and me to be there. I will go and take notes.
Thanks everyone who answered my question. I hope people will consider all options when dealing with an elderly relative. I'm no spring chicken myself and I see I have some legal papers of my own to have drawn up.
If not too much time passes, would your friends' money stretch to in-home care? And would the husband be able to convince the court that there would be no repeat performance of his telling social workers to get off his property? You and I might think it very natural for an upset elder to tell an uninvited nosy busybody where to go, but that kind of thing goes down very badly with these professional cabals. They cannot understand, it seems, why the general public does not fall gratefully on social workers' necks and embrace their advice. Perhaps they should all be forced to undergo one of these visits as part of their professional training, to see how they like it.
But to return to the question of compromise: if you take a step back and look carefully at the proposals, would you say that the couple would be able to live safely at their home even with in-home care? Would their money hold out? What are the husband's own needs likely to be in the short to medium term? - is he very much younger or fitter than his wife? It might be a good idea to have a couple of other options up your sleeve, such as nearby retirement facilities that they could move into as a couple and receive day-to-day support. The point is that I wouldn't be optimistic about the court's agreeing to her return home without an awful lot of assurances in place - they'll be focused on preventing any further problems. Best of luck, let us know how the meeting goes.
And I very much like your taking "notes to self"! We live and learn, do we not.
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