How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Sadly, I think you’re right. I’m at that cross road and it’s quite painful to endure dealing or running with such a person,especially when it’s your mother.

I know this all 2 well... it seems my mom's mental illness's have gotten worse since she became handicapped. And now that I'm her caregiver she is treating me like crap just like she did when I was doing her job when I was a kid... There's no appreciation what so ever. Never will be...

Hello....I not only take care of my grandmother who suffers like your mother does but I myself suffer from mental illness. I think the fact that I have issues also helps me cope. I always feared that people would judge me by my illnesses and never take the time to get to know the real me. So in dealing with my Grammy no matter what happens I always remember that it's her illness talking and when she gets me super frustrated (which she can do a lot) I think of the most amazing time I ever spent with her!!!

I noticed this question is about eight years old at this time and I hope you were able to resolve the issue. Unless you've had some training on dealing with mental illness, you won't be able to deal with your mentally ill parent on your own, especially if you've never had work experience in this area. Let's say you would've had a work experience at a mental hospital. This would've given you enough experience to deal with your mentally ill parent if you would've worked there long enough. When I was a ward of the state after my rescue from my abusive parents at age 13, I was eventually placed in a children's psychiatric hospital where there were tons of children with multiple types of issues, including but not limited to a history of surviving abuse. The workers who dealt with us dealt with a wide range of people and some of them were actually pretty wild when they went off. No one wanted to be there and no one is really made to be cooped up so this was unnatural for all of us. Being locked in a ward with a bunch of strangers is very unnatural and enough to make anyone go off. Some of us will just run to our rooms only to have the staff come harass us and make us come back out on ward despite being harassed by our peers. That didn't work with me and I went off on the staff and many of us like that ended up in a concrete room with nothing. That room was called the QR or quiet room if you please since it had nothing in it. Yes, there are people who know what mental illness is especially if you're locked up at a young age since you know what it's like to be in prison as someone put it. A mental hospital in some cases it's just a taste of prison life which is why the hospital for children eventually shut down after events like coming up with a program called "without walls". This hospital was called Sagamore Hills located on Dunhan Road in Northfield Ohio. The old program was really not much help and was not as good for troubled children since so many of them for long periods of time and some for years. If you suffer abuse for too long at a young age there's always some level of scars left behind by the abuse. You may want to delve into your aging relatives passed to see what may be behind the mental issues because there may have been past abuse growing up that may have left some level of mental scarring. This is usually the culprit behind why some people have issues besides a chemical in balance in the blood. You may want to have this person evaluated by the right kinds of professionals and have blood drawn by a specialist who knows what to look for to see if there's a chemical imbalance in the brain causing the issues. There could also be some form of vitamin or mineral deficiency which is also easily correctable. One friend of mine was taking B complex which really helped him. I don't know if he still takes it but you may actually want to look into it for your aging relative. If there was also past abuse at a young age, there's probably permanent scarring and I would be very surprised if this person ever held down any kind of job depending on how bad the mental illness might've been. There are so many different types and levels of mental illness and some people may actually appear normal until certain things happen that are triggers, triggers that should be avoided. For some people, it's actually better for them to be alone to avoid triggers and emotional upset that could lead to further problems. Avoiding triggers is actually best for your well-being because stress as once mentioned really does lead to a host of physical health issues, especially unexplained ones. If someone has an unexplained physical problem, the first place you're going to want to look is at their stress level and why they're stressed. Whatever is stressing them should be resolved and the problem removed and you wouldn't be a bit surprised to see the physical problem soon vanish if it really is stress related and not some other underlying physical condition, medication reaction or some other cause.

AmberA - I feel your pain! My mother has been in the hospital for the last 10 days - and her mental illness has gotten so much worse. She's diagnosed with dimentia with delirium - and there are elements of paranoia. She just called me and said the nurse was 'jerking' her around and now she's fearful that 'she's going to come back in here and hit me in the head and kill me' - do I have to stay here? She's getting discharged tomorrow and is aware of that - but she thinks she's going back to her apartment. Earlier today she was aware that she's going to AL - so she can talk with the other ladies there...

I've been trying to take care of her for six years and moving her in and out of AL - to her own apartment - which became such a disaster (she wasn't able to take care of it or herself); now she's going to an Adult Foster Home - hopefully a smaller setting will be more soothing to her - I just wish she would get a grip on reality (seems to come and go). I'm hoping to be able to see her - but already I sense that she's going to be calling and complaining about the other residents (all very nice older ladies) and/or the caregiver - a wonderful, kind caring woman - who I feel must be eligible for sainthood to open her home and care for people in this condition.

At any rate, I'm managing her finances and have the responsibility of cleaning out yet another apartment (she makes such a mess of everywhere she lives, that is no small matter!!!) Friends are offering to help move a few things she can take with her - but I know at the end of the day I'll be the one there with the final mess to clean up.
And my BP is running high - I'm afraid to take it anymore. I've already had the cardiac condition (mine was treated by undergoing an ablation a few years ago)...so the stress of this event with my mom isn't causing those crazy palpitations that were occurring before the ablation (I'm thankful for that - otherwise I would have had a heart attack by now, as those were 'stress related')...We can only surmise who was causing my stress??? Hang in there...this is a great forum. I posted in Caregiver Life Balance and received many words of encouragement there. I still find it amazing the number of adults who are trying their best to take care of elderly parents - and we have such similar stories, issues, concerns. The Socialworkers at the hospital said that caregivers should not be relatives - they're the worst ones as far as taking the abuse that our parents want to dish out - they have no problems telling family members where to get off - things they'd never say to a stranger - or one could hope they won't.

How do I care for my parent with mental illness? To preserve my own health and sanity I've placed her in the care of professionals as much as her money will allow, even though it means no inheritance. No amount of money can replace the comparative peace of mind I have knowing she is care for in ways that I don't have to. I pity those who have little to no financial reserves available and find themselves the One Holding the Bag.

That's not to say I do things for her. I'm the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain, managing finances and medical care. But in minimizing contact, I'm trying to preserve what's left of my health. In 7 months my blood pressure has skyrocketed (when I had no BP issues before). A benign cardiac condition has morphed into something malignant. Anxiety levels are barely manageable.

This forum has helped a lot.

OMG All these letters sound like my mom. I have been going crazy for the past 3 years. At this point I have my phone blocked from her incessant calling and messaging. And am not talking to her cause it does absolutely nothing but raise my blood pressure to the all time high of 234/101 and you know what she tells me - take another pill! She is being well taken care of at home but she is still driving me crazy. I hear what's going on from my sister who still talks to her but lives 2,000 miles away. I get her mail and stuff she sends over to my house. Thru dealing with her I had to deal with my dying dad who was a saint. He told me he was afraid of her as she went after him with a knife, chair and a vacuum! She bad mouths me to everyone and all I did was help! She has people believing I am the worst person that walked the earth! I am at the end of my rope. I am 69 and not in the best of health, she is 90. I had to laugh reading about the bad back and moving furniture - fits her to a T. I've been to ER with both of them so many times I lost count. Filled out so many applications for various things, it just goes on and on. It's a never ending nightmare. It was nice to read about other people with the same problems - and I have no answers!! Just needed to blow off steam!

Meds help my mother. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism - diagnosed only in her 90s. She is 104 now and also has vascular dementia as well. I am 79 and still care giving at a distance. No counselling type therapy will work after a lifetime of the illness. She has been emotionally and verbally abusive all along. The anti-psychotic injections (twice a month) help a lot and also an antidepressant. When she was younger she would not consider any evaluation or treatment - family problems were not her fault, in her eyes, but everybody else's fault. Having a mentally ill parent is a huge burden and brings lots of hurt.

" I've lived with this my whole life and at times it's been h*ll. " Yes!

You are not alone - there are many here with this type of problem. ((((((((hugs))))))) to both of you.

susanesmith I am 55 and my mother is 77. She is bipolar with psychotic effect. Been untreated except for a short period in 2008, for most of her life. I was forced to pick her up from GA and bring her to be closer to me. She has picked at me all of my life, but when things are good, she is sweet and funny. I took her to the psychiatrist asap. She has refused her meds. Now they are going to give her a once a month injection! I told her it would bring her some clarity and help her have better days. She seemed ok with that. I too believe that because she was untreated for soooo long, that there is no going back. Thankfully, a little bit can be managed. Even though I know she has mental health issues, anything she says to me is hurtful. Sending you love and blessings. I know how hard it is.

My mother is 92 and I'm 71. She's BIpolar and now has some dementia too. She didn't take medication for her BP but after my father died 10 yrs ago, she's been taking them (long story). She still has manic episodes twice a year but they're not nearly as bad as they were when she was unmedicated. She's been in AL for several years and they deal with her well. The facility physician has recommended a psych evaluation but she refuses to go. I've been told (and it's also my feeling) that because she was unmedicated for over 60 years her BP is difficult to treat. With the exception of the two episodes, she does well. I can't force her to see a psychiatrist and the facility can't either. I've lived with this my whole life and at times it's been h*ll. I still have anxiety when she's manic but at her age I don't have any hope for a cure and am convinced there's no panicia.

Has your Dad ever talked about what he believes are his religious obligations with a moral theologian? I did and what an eyeopener! I was piling all sorts of obligations on myself and I was just plain wrong. If this is a matter of what he believes the Bible says, then maybe talking to someone who actually knows a lot about the Bible, might help. Sometimes people forget the Bible wasn't written in modern English. The way it is now, he is actually enabling her bad behavior and not getting medical help.

My mother has been mentally ill for most of her life. She had a breakdown in her 20's but took medicine to keep her illness under control But she refuses to see a doctor anymore or take medication. In the last 20 years she has become incredibly mean and violent. My father is almost 78 and he has been trying to take care of her (part of it could be some sort of love and part could be his religion that keeps him doing what no one else would want to do). She orders him about and treats him like a slave. We can't understand why he doesn't leave her. I couldn't even begin to tell you the horror stories of what she's done and how she acts. My sisters and I are worried about getting our dad out of this horrible environment. She is paranoid, schizophrenic and refuses to see a doctor or take any medication. She is now requiring him to do everything physical for her (including personal hygiene), although when she wants to, she can move around and go to the bathroom just fine by herself. She doesn't allow him to leave the house anymore or visit or talk to any family members. When he calls me (in secret while walking the dog), my heart breaks when he tells me what she's doing. She's physically abusive to him but he won't seek help because he's embarrassed. He won't leave her and he can't get her to go to a doctor. What can we do?

rovana - that is very interesting. My mother was finally diagnosed with BPD when she was 96. I think they are too reluctant to give treatment to PDs here in Canada too. Only when she got suicidal did they act. Before that the harm was emotional - to myself and to herself and others. That should count too.

dherrington They did the diagnosis when mother was in hospital for something else, and her senior nanny broke down in front of hospital staff and told about the abuse she had been subjected to. Frankly, I think if it had been a family member they may not have gone ahead with the diagnosis. It really is a very difficult situation. If you can document her behaviors and take them to her doc when she is seeing him/her about something else and let the doc know - give the doc your account of your mum's problems, it should help. Ask for a psychiatric evaluation. It sounds like your mum is delusional and needs an antipsychotic. Good luck.

dherrington, there was an interesting article in the LA Times recently by a doctor from Britain. He was talking about involuntary medication of seriously mentally ill people. At the end of the article, he made some fascinating comments comparing US to Europe - he said that he thought in the US we considered danger to self or others to be an extremity - namely imminent physical harm - whereas in Europe they were more proactive and considered danger to self to be much more realistic, like if "you don't take your medication, you will have a poor lifestyle, on the streets, malnutrition. etc." so they can act to hospitalize much sooner than waiting for a physical attack. All too often people try to "help" or protect mentally ill people long past the time that professional intervention is necessary - so instead of "forcing" treatment which might well help the patient, the illness just drags on, destroying lives. Wish there were some answers. Will be interesting to see how Laura's Law works in California.

I know this post is old, but how did you get the BPD diagnosis? Relocated from disabled husband (Lyme's disease/Liver disease/Metabolic dementia) and daughter (focal seizures) to help mom with deceased husband's estate to GA from PA. My mother wanted us here to help sell her home so she could move back North to be with us. Once here we realized that she suffers from mild cognitive impairment, dependence on ambien, extreme emotional swings and religious delusion (she thinks my husband, daughter and I are possessed). She has become increasingly confrontational and is in complete denial about her condition. We had to call EMS because she was acting strangely. This made her angry, so she called the police and hired a lawyer to have us evicted. We have involved adult protective services and they didn't help, but are they aware. She is abusive to my husband, b/c she thinks he is the head demon, but smart enough not to say it to anyone else. Police tell me to get an involuntary commitment for evaluation, but she is not an imminent threat to anyone. She also suffers from diabetes, coronary artery disease, depression, anxiety and has an infarct on her left occipital lobe. We spend about 20 hours a week at doctor's appointments and I spend another 15 hours a week sorting paperwork, arranging medical transportation, etc. This doesn't allow me work enough for us to move out. Almost at my wits end. In addition, I believe she has a Personality Disorder which may be the cause of a lot of the drama.

This is an old thread but if someone stumbles on this I just want to say my heart goes out to all caregivers of a seriously ill person with personality disorders. Particularly Borderline and Narcissistic PD. These people are impulsive, verbally abusive, sometimes violent people. They seek to control you and make you their servants and whipping posts. They are paranoid, vindictive people that find pleasure in your pain. How does one care for someone like that and doesnt suffer severe damage themselves? Dont talk about boundaries, because PD people. Iew boundaries as personal insults and challenges to overcome by stepping up their crazy level and vindictiveness towards you. My personal advice? Run! Save yourself and beg God for forgiveness. If you dont you sill see him sooner than you think because you are going to stroke out yourself.

Busylady, short answer, yes.

Long answer, it's her illness with its intrinsic anxiety tinged with paranoia plus maybe dementia where she can no longer even tell herself some of her worries may not make sense, plus worrying about being worried and trying to give herself a sane explanation for why she is worried.

Untreated mental illness can be like a little window into hell. You probably get nowhere trying to reason with her, but reassuring her she is a loved person and distracting her with all the good things about her you can think of, and telling her that many people worry when they are in her situation, but what others say about her just isn't that important, especially if it isn't true, and "everybody" with an ounce of sense can see it isn't true, may get you a LITTLE peace...but medication, if there is anything she can take, might help a lot. She really is suffering, and the rituals and obsessions are the things she has to try to keep that suffering at bay.

My mother-in-law has obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety disorder and she is in a nursing home and she is always calling my husband and I telling us that the care givers are miss treating her. She constantly tells us people are spreading lies about her. Is this all a part of her mental disorder?

Ya'll are all describing my dad.....he is in rehab right now recovering from a broken hip. 2 days ago, he left 6 messages on my mom's cell phone that "she'd better have protection" if she shows up at the hospital. He has threatened her so many times in their life, police have been called, etc. He truly is Jekyll & Hyde. They have been married 57 years and it has been going on since the beginning. He is now going into an assisted living facility when he leaves rehab (he doesn't know this yet), Mom is killing herself trying to care for someone who says he loves her but acts like he hates her.......Freud (sp) would have a field day with him....btw, he could charm Freud into thinking that everyone around him are the crazies....

My mother has BPD, and she just burns everyone wherever she goes. I took care of her for 9 years, for the last year she has been going back and forth between my siblings out of state and she has reached a whole new level of insanity. We are all out of ideas and don't know what to do.

Lroye.... Please forgive me when I say this, but I chuckled when I read your post because I can't tell you how many times I used to get criticized so I simply told them, "I'll make you a bet. You can have all of mom and dad's money if you can go a week with her. No joke." People used to scoff at me and my husband would tell people how serious I was if they thought they could do it better.

Fortunate or unfortunate (depending how you look at it), my parents have the money to keep them in a nice assisted living facility. As you can guess no one took me up on my bet. Go figure!

I've decribed this feeling as just a steady stream of toxicity that is dripped into your life. If it was a stranger saying all the ugly things and belittling and criticizing you could blow it off, but when its your parent, you just can't. Whatever the reasons for it, whether it is deep-rooted anxiety or a mistaken belief that criticism and perfectionism is some kind of evidence of love and concern, it is absolutely normal for a healthy person to be sickened and dragged down by it. I hated to find myself just running away from it and just wishing it would stop. But I had to stop visiting daily, keep visits shorter, and sadly, distance myself a little more than I ever wanted to emotionally.

My mom is in a skilled care facility after an essentially failed rehab stay...too long a story for here - she'd been in assisted living out of state and I used that as the entree' for moving her here after my dad passed on last year. I do my mom's laundry since she is now close enough to make it practical, though this nursing home will actually do it for no extra charge - just to force myself to go there and to have a "reason" to be there every few days, because I feared I otherwise could easily slip into not visiting much at all. I think that might be a key - if they think you are a captive audience they just let it all loose on you rather than even try to think about how it makes you feel and how it makes you not want to spend time with them. Not that perspective taking is going to be a strong point for folks with any kind of dementia, but if they notice that they can't just fully take your presence for granted they may be able to learn some limits that make things tolerable.

I know the stress and pain that you are going through! Believe me my mother has suffered from a personality disorder for over thirty years and refuses to get treatment or an examination by a physician so I am not sure what type of disease she has. I am an only child and live over thirty five miles away from her. She has three sisters that all live in the same area. Can you believe that one has not spoken to her for over 15 years, the other about 6 months and the youngest, which lives 3 miles away from my mother whom is single and retired may see her once every other week. All family members are in denial and refuse to assist me with a family intervention meeting in persuading my mother to get treatment but yet expect me to be at my mother's beckon call! I am married and work full time and have my own responsibilities to take care of. My health is not the best and I frequently feel ill after seeing my mother. I feel abused by her behavior and it is wearing down! I love my mother but I also and concerned about my emotional and physical health. I don't know which way to turn. Help!

How is it that folks over 65 are to be considered sweet little old people with no recognition of past history as crazy, evil, wicked, criminal or demonic?????
....What a mouthful of truth! Mom's hateful to those close to her - nothing new (BPD, NPD, possible MPD) - and it slays me when someone says that they just LOVE her because she's so understanding and compassionate. I've offered to give her to them and they laugh - they think I'm joking....

My mother is succeeding at shortening my lifespan. I'm not terribly upset about that because I don't want to live as long as she has anyhow (90 yrs), but next week or next month is a little sooner than I would like.
I can't quite figure whether my little narcissist/munchhousen/demon is truly attempting to take me out with her or just could'nt care less what effect her crazy is having on myself or the rest of the family. She is a smack in the face of anything true or Godly and a constant source of offence to me.
On the days when I need to attend to the queen I am litterally paralyzed up until the last possible moment to ready myself & go.
She has run her "con" on others well and I get absolutly no help from her doctors. I am ready to temder my resignation (again) and hand her over to the state in order to save my own life. My husband fights me on this...worried about what people would think, but not so much worried about my wellbeing. She has been sucking the life out of me for 15 yrs..(since my father died).
She refuses any outside help unless she goes on one of her little "vacations" to the hosp and rehab at the NH. The docs are more than willing to milk the medicare cow for all they can & they'll have to answer to GOD for that. When she is ready to come home she'll tell them she is perfectly capable although her slave is required to do most everything for her. The cycle then begins all over again. The docs have acknowledged the parrtern but have all but accused me as the cause.
How is it that folks over 65 are to be considered sweet little old people with no recognition of past history as crazy, evil, wicked, criminal or demonic????? How is it that we allowed the government to close all the institutions and dump these lunatics in our laps?????? WTF???????

Here is a little of my experience in caring for my elderly mother who is mentally ill and now has dementia. I have had to drop everything (job, children, and my life) to care for my mentally ill mother. Growing up my brother and I just always thought she was just a mean old lady but as I've aged have figured out she has some mental illness. She has never been diagnosed w/ anything besides dillusional disorder. She now has dementia and is just as difficult as before. She keep getting lost and people contacted the police and they contacted the Adult Protective Services and they deemed her unable to live alone. It was either I take care of her or put her in a nursing home. With her paranoia she would not have stayed in any kind of housing that was shared I moved in w/ her. By the APS being the ones who came out to be the bad guys I was her only hope to keep her out of a nursing home. That hasn't made it any easier. We are in year 3 and she is in an adult daycare that is paid for through a medicaid program Elderchoices and I also get some reprieve through this program. But with all this said your best bet is to see if the local police dept can connect you to services that assist in caring for someone who can help someone who cannot care for themself. Good Luck and God Bless

Assisted living sounds like a good plan. We just can't uproot everyone but she does need help Some one in the assited facility might be able to set up a bank plan for your mom and the bank could handle her needs with permission from you to give her X $'s per month or week for spend money this may require you to take a trip but in the long run that would be easier for you and your family. But like all things this is just a suggestion.

Thanks, Neon. That was nice. And good for you!

Dear Annlidiot, you aren't you know. What a good description. I was so happy to have a lable for this disorder than I searched and searched for material, found some great stuff, My mother lives with me, my choice and she's always been NPD ever since I can remember and almost went insane from the age of 13 to 21. When I read this info it was OMG this is my life, I plan on writing my own book sometime in the near future and be more specific, it should be enlightening and humorous as well as heart breaking. It damages everyone in the family in some form and the only one that can change is me. I've been going to a therapist for the past month. He told me yesterday that I have a good handle on it and that I don't need anymore therapy

#1 recognize it
#2 Understand it
#3 Gather yourself
#4 on't feel guilty
#5 Be "CALM"
#6 If necessary GET OUT

LOL tHATS ALL i DID WHEN i WAS A TEENAGER WAS TRY TO FIND A WAY OUT NOW AT THIS AGE i'VE INVITED HER IN WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE, wELL THE SIBLINGS DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER AND i COULDN'T LET MY PARENTS LIVE ALONE AS THERE WAS NO ONE TO HELP THEM.

Well enough said there are so many and you know what I find interesting our childhoods were horrific and we aren't that way???

New reading material

Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH? Written by Karyl McBride PhD

Have a good day and do something nice for you each and every day. Neon

All this chat about personality disorders is interesting, did you know there are websupport groups specifically for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and others.....all you have to do is do a websearch. You may find information help and coping skills that aren't available on an eldercare site like this.

Here in a nutshell for everyone who is reading & doesn't have a frame of reference for what NPD is a good explaination:

With narcissim, it is a CONSISTENT personality trait so to speak, where the person organizes their entire life around convincing others that they are much more superior than they might orginally think the narcissist to be. They might go to great measures to do this regardless so they lie, cheat, etc. What makes this disorder so interesting, is most of the time, people who truly have this disorder don't recognize in themselves that they truly feel inadequate to others. They build up many defenses (which include lies and grandiose thinking errors) to keep themselves from experiencing the negative emotions associated with a loss of self-worth or self-esteem. But underneath all of the energy expenditure to convince others that they are superior (and thus themselves) they UNCONSCIOUSLY feel like they are below par in all the areas that matter most in life.
You can sort of view narcissim as the "fake personality" a person adopts to keep them from feeling inadequate. The unconscious feelings of inadequacy are greater than those who do not suffer from this personality disorder, which is why sufferers go to great lengths to maintain this personality.

Most often, they will come from a childhood environment where the people whose respect & love mattered most (ex: parents) was witheld and they felt and/or were greatly criticized as a child unless you succeeded in the areas which seemed important. And almost as often they might come from a family of the opposite extreme where they may have been the favorite - showered with complete praise and never needed to question their superiority until you got to school as a young child and didn't receive greater adoration than the other children from your teachers (for example)and this built in anxiety which motivated you as a child to search for a solution which ended up evolving into this disorder. Narcissists are skilled at manipulating codependant relationships to reinforce their sense of superiority.