Am I wasting my time trying to help my husband continue to do some of the simple household chores he used to do, pre-dementia? He seems to want to - he asks to - but when I say, “sure, go for it!” he can’t or won’t follow through. It’s almost as if he is purposely setting himself up for frustration and ultimately, failure. Do you take everything out of his hands and quietly take over? I get that he has a ‘broken brain’ but does repetition help like it does with a child? If you walk them through a task once, twice, ten times, does that lead to them possibly doing that task by themselves in the future?I read an article on a medical website saying that people with dementia will often learn to use the computer if left alone to experiment with it without pressure. Have any of you found that to be true and does it extend to other tasks, in your experience?
Today my husband started emptying the trash cans into the bin, preparing to take it to the street for pick up. He has done this weekly for years. He enjoys doing it and actually seems to look forward to it. Today, he couldn’t remember which rooms have trash cans or where they are located in the room. I walked him through the process and told him when it was time to roll the bin to the street. His response? “What, are you crippled?”I have to admit it made me laugh out loud (although not entirely due to amusement) but I got to thinking, am I just wasting my time and effort helping and encouraging him to contribute to the household?
Do you try to teach and model or do you just smile and turn on the tv for them so they can nap while you work?
It was discribed to me at one time that
Dementia is...you know its a stove but you forget how to use it
Alzhiemers...you forget its even a stove.
Each room could have a sign outside of it, showing the location of the trash can.
Then, maybe hand him a laminated card with the steps to taking out the trash, all the way up to taking the can to the curb.
Signage worked for my mother in the beginning stages of her dementia, but doesn’t work, now.
Anyway, we are early enough in the process that my husband is aware when he’s being manipulated by me so giving him busy work probably won't cut it…yet. Or maybe I just need to learn to be more stealthy in my manipulation. I did start having him fold and put away his clean laundry as I’m having to do so much more of it now. That takes him an hour or so a day but he usually doesn’t bug me for help and at least for that hour nothing gets broken or lost; SCORE on that one! (Although having him put the clean sheets back on the bed was a colossal fail.)
I’m beginning to see it’s ME who needs to learn - to go with the flow, which will undoubtedly be erratic. That is going to be hard for someone who runs a tight ship. I’ve worked hard at creating a balanced and structured life that feels good to me and now I’m having those weird stress dreams where I’m losing things and spending whatever sleep time I have frantically searching for them! Oh well, at least I’m getting some sleep unlike a lot of you!
Thanks again for your suggestions.
I agree with others who recommend finding "purposeful" tasks that he is willing and able to do. You can purchase a large quantity of nuts and bolts then mix them together. Ask him to sort them, and then screw them together. You can purchase a large quantity of color socks and jumble them up in a laundry basket, then ask him to sort and then pair them. We had my 100-year old Aunt folding a large pile of kitchen towels twice a day. Sometimes she did all of them and other times she would quit. There's no wrong way or answer.
I learned a lot about dementia from watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. I highly recommend them since she gives excellence insights about what's happening to our LOs and practical strategies on how to better interact with them.
I will just say, please don't expect your husband to do things anymore just because he's done them for years, as all that will do is frustrate you both.
Instead try and find simple things that he can still do like folding towels or the laundry, and see how he does with that.
But honestly as he progresses in his dementia, it may be best to just let him sit in front of the TV and nap as living with a broken brain is exhausting for the one with it.
And yes, that will mean that you will be taking over all of the household chores, but of course that will also mean that they will be done correctly, and you won't have to redo them because they weren't done right to begin with.
You have to learn to choose your battles wisely when living with someone with dementia, as all battles are just not worth fighting.
While I respect you wanting to be able to teach your husband new and old things, that can and often will just lead to frustration on both your parts.
This isn't easy, and things guaranteed will only get harder, but you must remember that you are stronger than you think and that this too shall eventually pass, and you will come out of it stronger, wiser, more compassionate and empathetic.
So I wish you the very best as you take this difficult and often heartbreaking journey with your husband.
May God give you the strength needed for each day.
I think the busier you keep his mind going, the better. Dementia may regress less.
I took care of a man for a bit, with the beginning stages of dementia. He wanted a tablet, so we got him one, I got colored markers made him a color chart and he was able to read his emails and do stuff he needed to do.
More middle stages of dementia clients, I would ask them to fold clothes or things like that.
Id say it's like having children, but pretty much in reverse, but if you can keep his brain as active as you can the better. Use the TV like parents do, when you really need a mental break.
Your story is so cute, made me giggle. Best of luck, welcome to are forum. We are here to listen , vent to and help lead the way, if we can.
"Do you try to teach and model or do you just smile and turn on the tv for them so they can nap while you work?"
I'd vote for a MIDDLE OPTION.
Finding tasks that he CAN do sucessfully. Either on his own, with some verbal prompts from you, or with you by his side.
Set him up to SUCCEED with tasks at the right level. This will be a moving target & may even fluctuate by day, but worth it in my opinon.
Feeling USEFUL is a wonderful thing. No matter how small the task may get over time. I think it's called *Validation Therapy* or such.
Eg Even a simple thing as brushing teeth. There is a world of difference having someone do that FOR you (TO you) & being independantly able to brush your own teeth. Inbetween are so many tiny tasks! Being able to squeeze the toothpaste out while the caregiver holds the toothbruth steady.. a small thing.. yet the man with advanced Alz I assisted with this task was all smiles 😊
I felt it was a piece of positive in his day (mine too).
“What, are you crippled?” deserves a quick and clear answer along the lines of ‘You do it to help me’. That's the point - not 'for your own good'. Perhaps you are overdoing the ‘teach and model’, and need to do more of the ‘ask and require’. Learned helplessness can almost certainly be attractive for people with dementia (at least the early stages), as well as for anyone else. He has forgotten, and ‘teaching’ won’t stop him forgetting again. However he needs to do what he can 'to keep the show on the road'. Perhaps look for tasks with a flow – once you start there isn’t a break where you have to remember the next bit.
I hope that someone with more knowledge of dementia will chip in to give more ideas – and to say if my guesses are correct. Good luck!